"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Posts tagged ‘The Hunter’

Couples Counseling

It has been an emotionally tough week for me. I just don’t have the push to move forward with work and have been in a bit of a funk. Combine that with my first session of couples counseling with the Hunter and then a lovely argument with my Ex over wedding expenses and I am burned out.

Let’s talk about the couples counseling first and then I’ll chat about my Ex in another post. We went to see the counselor that I used before and during my divorce. She is lively and opinionated, not someone who merely stares at you mumbling along, which is exactly what I need in my life. She now has this blog’s website, so I gained yet another reader. Yea! Since she is now back in my life, she will need a name, so I am going with Athena – Goddess of Wisdom and War, an apt choice I think.

It is fascinating to be in a room with two people who know me well. They both agreed that I tend to keep a wall up and hide my feelings from loved ones. Really? Athena explained to the Hunter that I needed to hide my emotions during my marriage, which was really helpful for him to hear from someone else. I felt like most of the evening was spent with the two of them talking about me. I had moments when I felt like, “Hello, I am sitting right here!” I don’t say that in a bad way, because the evening was loving and helpful. It was just funny being the main topic of conversation.

Prior to the session, we filled out paperwork which included some background on both of us. One question asked about significant events in our past that caused us great stress. The Hunter put down the trauma that had destroyed his last marriage. Athena gently touched upon it and said that grief had the power to destroy relationships or draw people closer. The Hunter had the former experience.

We all agreed that things appear to be great in our relationship. After Memorial Day, the Hunter has begun to regain trust in me. Reading this blog and my actions have reassured him. He told her that this blog is a very accurate account of events. She told us that we needed more time together because with time, we will continue to iron out the kinks. She was truly happy for me and liked the Hunter. He handled himself exceptionally well and was his usual thoughtful, well-spoken self.

One interesting thing that the Hunter and Athena discussed is that he is very confrontational.  He has no issue with confronting anyone about anything either nicely or not so nicely.  Then he made a very clear distinction that he does not do that with me.  I am the exception to his rule.  I felt special and loved.

One thing that Athena told him was that I would need time in order to be more forthcoming with my emotions and feelings. She suggested that I continue writing and give him notes or texts when it was too hard for me to confront things head on. I felt safe and loved during this session. However, it seemed like every time I opened my mouth I began crying. I just have a lot going on in my head and life right now.

I told Athena that I had lunch with my Ex back in February and apologized for the things I did to contribute to our marriage’s demise. I was surprised that he didn’t get it and would readily get back together. Athena commented that my Ex will not grow or change, so he will stay in a perpetual state of controlling mess. She said not to even bother trying with him. Ahhh, I no longer have to live with it. Hallelujah!

When we got home, the Hunter and I decompressed for a half hour and then he swooped me up to bed. We have been teasingly having a moratorium on sex this week to see who would give up first. I don’t know who lost, but we were both winners with a great romp last night. It felt so good to connect with him. He had told her that we spend 15-20 minutes in the morning connecting. She was beaming. I was too. I think I will take a couple of sessions with her over the next couple of months. With the wedding looming and some other work things, my stress levels are rising. This is a concern for both of them (and me). It will be money well spent.

More Than Words

Saying “I love you”
Is not the words
I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you
Not to say
But if you only knew
How easy
It would be to
Show me how you feel
More than words
Is all you have to do
To make it real
Then you wouldn’t
Have to say
That you love me

Cause I’d already know.

 Extreme

On Monday night, after an out-of-sync Sunday, I came home to a beautiful dinner. The Hunter had asked for an evening of no electronic devices.  He simply wanted to talk and reconnect. I came home agitated from work.  My dog had pooped all over the house. I cleaned up some that morning and the Hunter cleaned up a shitload (pun intended) when he got home. My aptly named Shitz Tzu wasn’t handling his change of food well.  Ugh.

I close my eyes to the carpet I now need to shampoo. I close my eyes to a kitchen full of dirty dishes. Instead, I take a shower, pour myself another glass of wine and go sit down with the Hunter. We snuggle up on the couch. He knows I am still in the fast lane and haven’t begun to unwind.  He asks me to close my eyes and just breathe for a few minutes and relax. I slowly unwind but it takes time. As I mentioned, this week is crazy and Monday was my only night I would come straight home from work.

The Hunter begins to talk. He starts by telling me how much he loves me.  He too wasn’t happy about us being out of sync. He picked up on it Saturday afternoon. He tells me that he is nothing but open and honest with me. He’s right.  But I hold back and keep secrets.  He thinks I don’t love him as much and keep him around for convenience. Ouch.

I open up and tell him that I felt like I was played during our drama-filled Memorial Day weekend. That after my revelation about my blog, his decision to move out and stormy exit, I see him thru Facebook at his parents. I doubted he was going to move out and felt played. It made me put up a wall to protect myself. The Hunter said that he thought about and even went to look at a place, but he also thought about the quote I sent him about taking actions that create the outcome we want instead of merely reacting. He loves me, he decided, so he wants to do what it takes to be with me.

I continue to open up and tell him that I was disappointed we didn’t of out with my friends on Sunday.  I knew not going was the right decision, but we don’t do things with my friends, his friends or anyone else. We often don’t do things I want. One of my girls nights out last week was to a stunning botanical garden at night. I had asked him to go with me early in our dating. It would have been a very romantic evening with dark corners for stolen kisses. He declined and I was disappointed. The Hunter, upon hearing my need for more social outings, said that one obstacle to this was money. I told him that I realize this and I was willing to foot the bill, but in such a way that he would still pay, so it wouldn’t wound his pride. We had watched the Teacher’s girlfriend pull out her credit card after dinner and that bugged the Hunter. He admitted that the $100 dinner he bought was with money he really didn’t have to spend.

He tells me that he knows he has to step up and find a better job/career in order to keep me happy. He has arranged to take a week off to take me on vacation because he knows he needs to do this for me. I am very touched. More to come on this.

My need for more social outings makes me wonder about pressuring the Hunter.  He doesn’t want pressure, but he is feeling anxiety about us because the man can read me like a book and he sees my trepidation. I tell him that I spent a 25-year marriage keeping secrets big and small. From when I bought a certain outfit to an affair, I kept lots of secrets because I never knew what innocuous statement would cause a blow-up or bite me in the ass. I told him that I kept my needs and emotions in check to keep the peace.  These are all very hard habits to break. Particularly since it has only been 2 years since that hellish marriage and our relationship is  4 months old. He isn’t happy that I am struggling with ending my secrecy habits, but he begins to understand.  I explain that I am still adjusting to having people have normal reactions when I disagree rather than abusive, explosive bullying.

I told him my girlfriends think I am nuts to have him living with me, but I like having him around (he struggled with that because it made him feel disposable).  He told me that although this is my house because it is filled with my material things, he feels like it is OUR home.

During our conversation, I had tears because emotions were welling up.  I wasn’t sad or angry, just releasing my emotions which isn’t something I am accustomed to. I finally tell him that he treats me better than anyone else in my life.  Yes, this was my revelation. He treats me more honestly, openly and kindly than anyone in my life. Better than my shitty Ex by far, better than my self-centered parents who did the best they could but not always looking out for me, better than my kids who try, but they rarely give me the Acts of Service that is one of my top love languages.

He is satisfied for now with our talk, so he scoops me up and we head off to bed. It is delicious. First I massage his legs because he has been getting some cramps.  It relaxes him. He teases my nipples and my clit until I am squirming in delight. Then he eats my pussy endlessly. He loves doing that. He finally starts fucking me and it is so satisfying.  As he approaches climax, I feel a rush of liquid. I am convinced he came. He goes down on me and laughs. Nope, that was all me.  He knew he hadn’t climaxed, so he fucks me some more until he cums. We snuggle and I am at peace. Still teary because of the stunning revelation that this man is most likely the best thing to ever happen to me, but for now, at peace.

I found my therapist. Next Wednesday we begin couples counseling.  I am interested in her reaction to my choice.  Also, the Hunter has been opening up about past paramours and present day flirts. That’s a post for another day. Maggie may have to pay a visit to a certain coffee shop…..

By the way, this is one of my all-time favorite songs. So simple, yet so powerful. I sent this to the Hunter as I finished this post. It brought tears to his eyes – me too .  I told him it’s his message to me. Enjoy .

Working in a Coal Mine

Working in a coal mine
Going down, down
Working in a coal mine
Whew, about to slip down

Five o’clock in the morning
I’m up before the sun
When my work day is over
I’m too tired for having fun

Devo

This past week I had two nights out with the girlfriends. It was a good respite and helped me reconnect with them. I had another fun day planned with a girlfriend and her man, but due to utter exhaustion and a crazy week ahead, I postponed at the request of the Hunter. I am sitting here on a Sunday preparing to start some work that is needed for the coming week because the week itself is over-scheduled with meetings and an upcoming trip. The Hunter is napping, but this morning he was having some insecurities about me because, well, I have a lot on my mind and am not focused 100% on him. It’s his birthday today and the first birthday we have spent together. He is not big on birthdays, so my attempts to draw him out on birthdays past have gone nowhere. We spent last evening at a casual waterfront place having dinner with his best friend, Teacher, and Teacher’s latest girlfriend who was waaayyy to quiet. But I digress.

Here is where we stand with things. My therapist is MIA and I need to try this week to track her down or give up and reluctantly find another. The Hunter is moving along like all is well with us and that last weekend’s drama was merely a blip on the radar. I don’t really like that. We need to address the underlying jealousy issues he has and my closed-nature and reluctance to divulge my feelings.  I have always bottled up my feelings because I believe speaking up will cause more drama, but I need to value myself enough to not care so much. The Hunter has also wanted intimacy and sex constantly. He calls and texts throughout the day always, but this week there has been a slight increase in frequency. It wasn’t the week for that, but I understand this need. At one point he said he didn’t like texting me to ask if it was OK to call. I told him how much I appreciated that because I saw it as a sign of respect to me. I encouraged him to keep doing that because it really helps me.

Work is crazy busy with new clients coming on board and old clients needing a lot of things done. I’m lucky and thrilled to have this problem, but it does pull me in all kinds of directions. I just keep making my lists and trying to plug along through them. This coming week is insanity with my out-of-town conference and three public meetings that I need to attend with me moderating two of them. Seriously? I am thinking I will delegate the moderation of one to a better expert which will be a huge relief.

Plus I have the beginnings of Bridezilla with my daughter who, as a true Type A, over-achieving young woman, is planning to have a wedding in the 45 days span where she will graduate from medical school and transition to her residency program (which could be in a different city) all while her fiancé is studying for a major accreditation that is only offered once a year. Ah, that boundless energy and naiveté of youth. I spoke to her yesterday and gently suggested that eloping would be a viable option. After she curtly rejected that idea, “Mom, this is the second time you have told me this and although you would like me to do this, it is not something I want.” I had to explain to her  the meaning behind that suggestion.

I told my dear daughter, that her wedding represents the next chapter in her life. She and her fiancé should create a celebration of this milestone with an event that suits them first and foremost. I told her that I had the big traditional wedding because it was expected of me. All my friends and family were telling me how they couldn’t wait to attend my wedding, so I felt I had no other choice than to plan a 150+ person, open bar, live band wedding with all the trappings. I would have rather bought a house and toured the wine country of France for two weeks, but I didn’t have the gumption to speak up.  My next suggestion will be to postpone the wedding for a year.  I am sure that will be as well received as the elopement advice – LOL.

I think about that conversation yesterday and it speaks volumes. First, it demonstrates the relationship of my daughter and me. She backed off because we communicate clearly and openly. I rarely let her walk all over me because I know that by doing so; she will not learn boundaries and how to respect the feelings of others. I have a funny story about her teen-age years about how I drilled this into her, but that story is for another day.

The second thing about this conversation is how it illustrates that at the very, very beginning of my marriage and perhaps it is indicative of my entire childhood and young adulthood that my goal was not to upset the apple cart. I avoided confrontation and tried to be the “good girl” and the pleaser. I didn’t stand up for myself. The only thing I really pushed was to make sure that come hell or high water, I earned my college degree. Even though that meant I had to attend three universities in three states in order to achieve that goal. To me more than ever, I need to now live my life for me. If it means that I stick around with the Hunter, so be it. If it means I need to strike out on my own, than I am fine with that as well.

So with all of this crazy piling up on me, I have to manage my relationship with the Hunter at the same time. I cannot ignore him, push him to the side and neglect him during this. Plus I know with me out of town for two nights, he will be battling his own crazy as well. But work needs to be my top priority. I have two unlikely events that could occur (although my boss and I compare these events to winning lottery tickets to manage our expectations). If either or both of them hits, it would suddenly result in an unexpected huge bonus. Just in time for a wedding…..

I Want You to Want Me

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I’d love you to love me
I’m begging you to beg me
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I’d love you to love me

Cheap Trick

The Hunter and I are working on our relationship. He is battling his insecurity which morphs into jealousy. He was relieved during the reading of my posts that I too battle with times of insecurity as well. The problem with his insecurity is that it transcends into thinking that I could potentially sleep with any man I cross paths with. That is no Bueno.

I have told him that this toxicity will destroy our relationship. I have told him that if he slut shames me and thinks that lowly of me, then we will be finished. I have told him that he needs to keep that crazy in a box and away from us. That’s how I describe it – putting the crazy in a box.

We all have our craziness and as I hear more about the Hunter’s past, I understand how this has developed in him. This doesn’t mean that I think I can fix it. The jury is out on that. I don’t know if I can stick around as he tries to turn himself around. I don’t know if he is willing to fix himself, because at the end of the day we all know that only people who really want to change can do so and all that heavy lifting has to be done by the person changing.

I won’t delve into the Hunter’s past because that is his story to tell, but suffice it to say, his experiences with women, going all the way back to his mom, have highs and lows with more lows than highs. I am not saying that to paint him as a victim. He has contributed to the problems as well. The Hunter has treated women poorly in the past. He has also treated them well and been shat on so it goes both ways.

Right now he is emotionally needy. He wants to connect with me often throughout the day. Yesterday I had an exhausting day. It started with an early breakfast and went through a series of meetings, phone calls and never-ending demands of my time. I scarcely had a moment to go to the bathroom much less regroup. I also had a horrible time with my memory which freaked me the fuck out. My mom and grandmother had significant dementia, so having a bad memory day is absolutely terrifying for me. I see how my memory is fading as I age and it is terrifying. That’s a post for another day.

In any case, I get home and I am exhausted both mentally and physically. I barely get a second to regroup. I go upstairs to change and the Hunter volunteers to give me a wonderful shoulder massage. It was great, but I needed to immediately change clothes and walk the dog. Then dinner is ready, so we sit down to eat. The kitchen needs to be cleaned and since the Hunter cooked, I clean. Finally 2-1/2 hours after I walk in the door, I get to relax on my patio and have a moment of quiet zen. Sigh. Then the Hunter wants to share a beautiful song with me. Lovely, but where is my time? He gets concerned because he can see that I am humoring him. I tell him that I just need to unwind and veg for a bit. He gives me some much needed space for about an hour. He’s horny and wants sex, but he can clearly see that my head is not into it. He ends up tucking me into bed early and that was the best thing he could have done for me.

But that left him horny and I wake up this morning with the Hunter telling me that he jacked off twice last night. Sorry, dude, but welcome to a relationship. Sometimes I cannot satisfy every need. It’s great that he craves me and wants me. I crave and want him as well, but sometimes I need space. I have more to write about this new “us”, but for now this will do.

Second Curve Ball

I left you, Dear Readers, with the cliff hanger of another curve ball in my relationship with the Hunter. My apologies in this lack of writing, but the short work week and other things have left me with no time to think deeply much less write. I am writing this as I wait for a callback from a cantankerous midlevel manager of a demanding client. I am reminding myself “think of the outcome that I want” but that makes me think evil thoughts, so I simply am telling myself to play nice and make friends.

In any case, what was the second curve ball? I started reading this blog to the Hunter. He doesn’t have access to it, but he asked if I would read posts that mentioned him. I started at the beginning with our New Year’s Eve and over the course of a day long road trip we worked through the blog thru April. I ended it there with the rule that a minimum of 30 days between a post and the reading. It was a wonderful bonding time for us. He said that I had nailed it and he agreed with my description of the events. He was touched with my stream of feelings and thoughts on our relationship. There were times he had tears and times where I had to stop because I was choked with emotion. It has been incredible.

Then we have had the days after this revelation and the Hunter coming to terms with this extreme deluge of emotion from me. As they said in the Spiderman, “With great powers comes great responsibility”. First of all, I don’t read him any reader comments. I do this because the purpose of sharing these posts is to talk about my thoughts and feelings. I also don’t want the discussions between the Hunter and I to digress into other’s opinions of our relationship. It’s not that I don’t value your comments, believe me, they are very important to me, but he and I need to stay focused on us. Make sense?

The other aftermath of this revelation is the Hunter processing this information. It has been incredible for his ego. He occasionally asks if I am going to write about something or if I have written this week. Friends are concerned that knowing he will be reading the posts, I will somehow filter my words. I am hoping this won’t happen. I need this blog as an outlet to process my feelings, thoughts, etc. If I start filtering my words, then the thoughts and feelings will log jam inside me. Not a good thing.

What I have learned about myself is that I do have a problem expressing myself to my loved ones. I am wary of confrontation, I want to please people and have them love me. I haven’t come to terms that people can disagree with me and still love me along with the big one that my feelings need to come first and foremost. Wow, that’s a big one. I do better writing about my thoughts and feelings than expressing them. For an articulate, verbose professional woman, I become tongue-tied and silent when loved ones probe into my feelings and thoughts on tough issues.

The Hunter is still fighting jealousy and insecurity issues. Unfortunately my therapist is apparently in the midst of changing offices, so I have sent her an email but haven’t found a phone number to call. Shit. I really need to talk to her. I’ll write more about his issues because I am out of town for the better part of next week at a conference and he is already nervous about it, but for now, just know that I learned another valuable lesson: my secrecy will only hurt relationships, not help, so I need to use my words whether written or spoken to advocate for myself.

By the way, in the element of time, I am giving up on the song intros. I’ll probably get back to them, but for now, you get me, unfiltered.

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