Today isn’t a good day. Actually the whole week hasn’t been a good one. Anxiety is overtaking me this week. Although I’m taking positive business development steps, these steps take time and I feel like I don’t have more time. Anxiety has been running through me constantly. I’m worried, frazzled and then to make things even that much worse — I’m not working. Yes, I have made it to all my networking events and was charming and nice. Yes, I answered all phone calls and didn’t send them to voice mail. Yes, I answered a few emails, but I haven’t done the work. I haven’t made the calls. I haven’t sent out this week’s introductory emails, snail mail, post cards, etc. that are essential for my survival.
The Hunter just left for a 10-day hunting trip. I think it’s a good idea that he’s not here. Let me embrace my panic and react to it with strong action steps. Let me control my schedule and not be at anyone’s beck and call but my own. Let me work as hard and as much as I can so I can reset my activity level. Let me take some Me Time and sit on the beach to think about where my life is and where I am going.
I think what set off my anxiety is a frienemy who just published a book. I started my company a couple of months before him and we talked about his pending company launch. His launch went much better than mine. He kept several good clients. He has a free office if he wants it. He just wrote a fucking book, has it on Amazon and even produced a cool video trailer (using some stock footage, but production quality is excellent) and he’s doing podcasts and small videos regularly. WTF — it makes me feel like a slacker. It doesn’t help that the Hunter is connected to him on LinkedIn and sees the guy’s constant stream of contents. It doesn’t help when the guy tells me he has 4,000+ LinkedIn connections. It doesn’t help when the guy tells me that he has made some good connections through all of this. It doesn’t help that we DIRECTLY compete.
I feel like I’m making excuses or downplaying the guy’s accomplishments when I say, “the podcast lost me in the 4th minute”. Robin agreed, but still. I also have my own point of view about social media marketing in my profession. I do it, but I haven’t done the podcasts or videos. That’s something I aspire to, so this guy’s actual execution makes me feel like a slacker. I send out regular helpful content to potential clients and clients alike, so it’s not like I’m doing nothing. I haven’t bought the book, but my GF said he got a ghostwriter — so what, the dude WROTE A BOOK. He’s getting activity and people are reaching out to him through LinkedIn. I’m not getting that type of response. The Hunter teases me and tells me to step up my game. At first I laughed. Now it stings a bit.
I am not living the life I dreamed of when I first left my Ex. I am taking steps to correct my financial course, but they aren’t bearing fruit as quickly as I want or need them too. I feel a bit disconnected from my business community and although I am going to networking events, I’m not meeting the big fish. I’m only catching guppies. I realize that big fish require patience, persistence, timing and the right bait. I know that intellectually but try telling that to my lizard brain at 3:00 am. I am in a business of high rejection and I guess that this week it is getting to me. I know the size fish I need to catch. I know exactly how many fish I need to catch in order to survive and thrive. Now I just have to remember what my coach tells me, “Action, action and more action.”
As the Hunter was preparing to leave this morning, I told him that I was anxious. He has seen this before so I know that he was thanking his lucky stars that he was headed out of town as I enter a full blown mental state. I told him that I realize that I’m running a marathon and I’ve hit that halfway point when everyone wants to give up, but I just have to keep running. I know all of this, but it still doesn’t keep the knot in my stomach at bay.
I have to go. I have yet another networking event but the good news is I am following it with Happy Hour with my girlfriends. I have more of the same tomorrow — a lunch with peers and then another Happy Hour with my BFF. Perhaps being around my friends will help. At least it will keep me out of my head for a few hours.