"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for the ‘Work’ Category

Stinkin’ Thinkin’

I talked to Robin, my colleague, today and she said what I have been thinking all week. September is gone — a complete waste.  Between Labor Day, 2 weeks of Irmageddon and my pending vacation, the month is over.  It has created quite a bit of anxiety for me and a bunch of negative thoughts.  I have to get my taxes done and money brings up a tsunami of anxiety for me.  I just have to remember to take small bites of the elephant.  The Hurricane has given me an extension, but I probably will still have to pay taxes and I have no idea how I am going to handle that.  I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

I am taking steps to alleviate the anxiety.

  • Retail therapy:  I went clothes shopping yesterday and spent $$ I really don’t have on clothes and shoes that really made me happy.  This isn’t always the best solution, but I felt great afterwards and still felt good about it today as I sorted my new stuff to decide what to take on my trip tomorrow.
  • Book Club:  the ladies decided last minute that they would descend upon me since it was my turn to host the monthly meeting.  I had less than 24 hours to prepare and when you add in my 4 hours of retail therapy, I was under the gun to have a quasi-clean house, food and wine.  I pulled it off and ended up enjoying the evening.  I was a bit frazzled at the beginning, but with a glass of wine and interesting conversation, I calmed down quickly.
  • Planning:  I spent a lot of time contacting old, new and current clients to see if they needed any help after the storm.  I fixed by CRM to move all my tasks to new dates so that I don’t have to see all the Overdue ones.  I’ve been thinking about the steps I need to take for the remaining three months of 2017 to insure that 2018 will be extremely successful.

I need to get myself on some strong routines.  Routines are one of the things that separate extremely successful people from the rest of the pack.  I need to focus on self-discipline.  Once again, a trait of very successful people.  And patience.  That important quality that is in such short supply with me.  That and money.  Money is in short supply, so I better get back to work and hustle up some new clients.  Sigh.

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The Hunter is Smart

This week I am in the trenches fighting.  I am doing the hard slog of defending my position, covering my rear flank and aggressively pushing forward.  I had a couple of brilliant ideas that are bearing fruit now and will be amazing in 2018.  But right now I am an Amazon warrior and not to be trifled with.  The Hunter found this out this week.

My son is wrapping up his internship and next week will be heading back to college.  He doesn’t like the Hunter.  Let’s not mince words.  They don’t have common ground and it’s clear that the Hunter and I fuck, which is definitely uncomfortable for adult children when they are living under the same roof.  We also didn’t help matters by not wanting his girlfriend to hang around here for days while he is working — too awkward when we are working from home.  My son is an introvert of the 9th degree, so sometimes you have to pry things out of him.

This week the Hunter got annoyed, then mad because my son doesn’t even talk to him.  Didn’t acknowledge him with a “Good morning” as he spoke to me.  I have to agree that my son was embarrassingly rude, which reflects poorly on me as his parent.  The Hunter wanted a big pow wow, but his timing was poor. I came home at 8:30 with the prospect of another 2 hours of work.  As I sat in the car to gather my thoughts, the garage door goes up and there is the Hunter.  He wants to have his confrontation NOW.

I look at him and his eyes are redder than a rose.  “Have you been smoking?”  He counters, “Why does that matter?”  I tell him that there will be no conversations with my son that night.  I have work to do and I am not doing this while he is stoned.  We will do this tomorrow, I tell him.

I march off to my office to crank out the necessary paperwork that is pending.  My son comes in and we chat about the situation.  It’s an awkward conversation for him, easy for me because I know his answers before he states them and we get it pretty much resolved/aired out.  He leaves for school in a week, we just need to get through these last couple of days.

The next morning I am bustling around to get out for a big meeting.  The Hunter and I begin talking and he gets mad that I already spoke to my son.  He’s walking out of the room as I am speaking, so I find myself yelling.  He walks back in “Are we fighting about your son?”  I said no, I am simply trying to explain my side.  I leave.  He sends me a text 30 minutes later about not giving him the opportunity to state his case.  Yep, that’s because it’s my son and that relationship trumps my relationship with the Hunter.  Instead I stay silent.  Which was the smart choice because I had a full day of arguing with attorneys and strenuously defending my position on a number of things.  I was full of piss & vinegar all day, so I knew better than to talk about anything with family when my Amazon is at full power.

He must have re-thought his position because he did some really nice things for me after that text.  He took my elderly Lhasa Apso to be groomed (which was long overdue), made a beautiful dinner, coaxed me out on a lovely bike ride and fucked me really good.  Smart man.  Smart man because the reason I had been late the night before was because I had a long bitch session with my BFF who is contemplating ending her relationship and moving the West Coast.  She and I were discussing the merits of her relationship and then my relationship.  We discussed the question of if I was done and when would be the appropriate time to pull the plug.  I’ll dissect that and write some more.  In the meantime, all is quiet here.  Everyone is playing nicely and I am kicking some serious ass in my business world. I got fucked great last night, so I feel wonderful.  Now, I need to put on my armor and get back out on the battlefield.

Still Rowing

It’s funny how my work is never a level line, but jumps up and down sometimes in the span of minutes.  I took some time to do a mid-year review to check on how things have been and how things are going.  It’s OK.  I’m not setting the world on fire, but I’m making consistent progress.  It’s a marathon, not a sprint I remind myself.

Last week I was feeling off, waking to a headache/slight migraine most mornings.  It took me a couple of hours to shake it off and I still felt icky the rest of the day.  I had a networking event at a business conference where I didn’t know a single soul and it was tough.  I met a couple of nice ladies, but for the most part, it was a bust.

Then in the rollercoaster of my work, I go back the next day for a luncheon, miss the keynote speaker, think the whole thing is a waste of $$ until I see one person I know.  Lo and behold he introduces me to someone great, we are meeting tomorrow and I see a potential series of speaking engagements.  Let’s see how that goes.

I guess I shouldn’t bitch and moan, but hey, it’s one of the reasons I have a blog.  I get a bit frustrated and impatient, but I think that’s normal.  I went to my Weight Watchers this week and the new leader asked for a one-word description of our July.  Mine was “undisciplined”.  I know the things I need to do.  I know I need a firm schedule.  That pertains to both work and weight loss.  Yet I don’t do it.  OK, I’m not in the horrible funk I was in last year and I am doing quite a few things correctly, but once again I am being hard on myself and feel like I’m not doing enough.

I did say “No” this week to an organization.  I have been sitting on the Board for years and now they asked me to run sponsorship.  Now?  When I am starting my own business, you want me to ask companies for money for you?  It’s not even a charity — it’s a professional organization with $100K in the bank.  Sorry, but I have to put my oxygen mask on first, thank you very much.  It felt good and I knew I did the right thing.

I am fine.  I just need to keep rowing because I am in the middle of the ocean with no shore in sight.  The only way to be successful or even just earn enough money to pay the bills and stay afloat is to keep on plugging away.

 

FlipFlops

I had another dream.  Let’s pause for a moment — I usually don’t remember my dreams, so the fact that I’m remembering my dreams this week is remarkable in itself, but back to our scheduled post.  The dream was about me in a group of folks, a business meeting/gathering of a sort.  We were milling around, looking at a very large, newly designed commercial space.  I remember looking at the ceiling — it was a cool design of two wooden squares constructed of beams — kind of like a pergola but inside some type of hip, lofty space.  The focus of the dream was my shoes or rather my flipflops.  I was having shoe issues — one broke.  It was all torn up and when I pulled it off, I realized that it wasn’t my shoe at all and I was relieved, but also like, “Hey, what the heck?!”.  So, hey, what the heck does that all mean?

Back to my internet searching.  In general, shoes represent your approach to life. If you are forgetting shoes (which was part of my dream), you are leaving behind your inhibitions and refusing to conform to some idea/attitude.  I would agree with that because, heck, I was wearing flipflops in a business setting!

To see old and worn shoes, indicates that you will find success through hard work and diligence.  You have come to terms about who you are. To dream about inappropriate shoes for the occasion means that your progress and path in life will be long, hard and laborious.  Amen, sister.  That I agree with 100%.  I think part of wearing someone else’s shoes is about conforming to other people’s old, outdated expectations.   It could also mean you are headed in the wrong direction….hmmm, nope, I don’t think that’s it.

To see flipflops in your dream indicates you are feeling relaxed and at ease….or maybe you are indecisive about some issue/decision.   Yesterday was a good day.  I had a meeting with a potential new client that at the end of the day isn’t going to generate income.  I probably shouldn’t have taken the meeting, but I was itching to get out of the house.  They were great, very interesting and although it won’t result in immediate wealth and riches, they are good people to know.  I also got a couple of meeting invitations — always a good thing.  I ended the day late, but feeling relaxed and productive. Hmmm, but was my subconscious thinking about flipflops because the Kracken destroyed one of the Hunter’s new ones?  Oh yeah, the Kracken wreaked havoc on one of his shoes.  Although I was sad for the Hunter, I also had a glimmer of malicious satisfaction thinking, “Yep, you left them out overnight.”

flipflops

Nope, these aren’t the Hunters, but my dream flipflops broke the same spot…but were all navy blue which is what I wear around the house.

Thank you, DreamMoods.   Now, a message to my subconscious — how about some sexy Freudian dreams?  That would be fun!  OK, enough shadow dancing, let me get back to my hard labor.

I Dreamed of a Black Snake

black snakeI had a very vivid dream last night about a black venomous snake.  The snake wasn’t hidden or slithering that much.  It was actually in a box and then it got out.  Other people around me were afraid of it and looking to me to handle the situation.  It was dangerous, I remember acknowledging that, but I felt in control of the situation and in charge of the snake.

The climax of the dream was that I was lying down preparing to go to sleep and the snake, which was still loose, comes up to me.  I open my eyes and it is by my face rearing up to prepare to strike.  I grab it behind its head and squeeze it tightly.  I get up and declare the I am going to kill this snake.  It no longer deserves to live, but I decide I won’t kill it.  I feel strong and powerful in my dream.  I woke up feeling like quite a badass.

What does all of this mean in my particular situation?  The Google wizards provided a host of websites and they provided some insight.

  • I’m sure it’s not Freudian — it’s phallic shape representing sex.  I am having some great sex but I’m not feeling temptation, repression or anything sexual.  This probably would have been a much more interesting post if it was sexual, so sorry, Dear Readers.
  • Snakes refer to hidden threats.  If the snake bites me then the dream is trying to alert me of something in my waking life that I am not aware of.  If I kill the snake, then this threat has passed or I have overcome it.  That’s interesting because apparently I am in the processing of overcoming it because I didn’t kill it, even thought I could???  I think this represents me controlling my anxiety, which I did last night by going to the gym and having a strong workout.
  • Snakes refer to fear ( and once again for me it’s that awful anxiety again).  They are unpredictable and can strike at any time without warning.  In this situation, the snake may represent something that is unpredictable or out of control.  I could be afraid of the unknown.  With my pipeline virtually empty of new clients (even though I have some great leads with some good potential but a very loooong timeline), I have been having anxiety about work, so I would agree with this.
  • Snakes can point to my creativity and potential (although I doubt that since I was squeezing it’s head and threatening to kill it).
  • Snakes tend to show up in dreams in times of transition and transformation.  A black snake is the dark power of deep transformations from my subconscious. The snake can indicate that I am in the process of healing and transforming.  I agree with this 100% since I am four years out from ending a 25-year marriage and now creating the life I want.
  • A black snake showing up in a dream means I am dealing with a difficult situation, unsettling emotions and I am having a power struggle in my waking life.  They can represent sadness and anxiety in my case.  This would be my work anxiety of late.  Absolutely agree 100% again.  Yesterday I was feeling a bit frustrated and anxious at the end of the day.
  • A key point is to remember is that a serpent in my sleep means I am symbolically receiving a wake up call from my subconscious.  
  • Black snake could be symbol of rejected aspects of my personality.  Points to a dimension of myself that has been avoided and needs to be exposed and dealt with.  Hmmm, that could be with my business development stuff and my relationship with money….
  • Black snakes represent a threat.  It could be challenging and I’m avoiding it.

I think that the snake is my anxiety and by not killing it, I am allowing myself to be anxious, but I am not allowing it to control me.  In conversations with Robin and my business coach today, I described my current state of affairs as being in the wide open ocean and I have to keep rowing because that is the only way to get to the shore.

So let me get back to rowing and kicking the ass of those black snakes…..

 

I’m Learning

My business world is such a quirky, not-normal one.  We like to pretend we are normal and a necessary component of any legit business, but we are a strange bunch.  Entrepreneurial, merciless, and smart — oftentimes a lethal combination.  This week I was at a lovely cocktail party of my tribe and found a whole crop of newbies.  Fascinating.  I have a pragmatic trait of not noticing newbies until they have made it past their first year — why waste my time?  I love the hypocrisy of my buddies telling one newbie that his mentor/team leader is a great guy (he’s not — a complete ruthless asshole) and that he’ll learn a lot from them (only how to be screwed over).   I wanted to tell the kid to make sure that he gets everything in writing up front, but hey, why be a downer when the free alcohol is flowing?

This week was good and flew by without me getting through my To Do list.  Of course, I am not helping matters as I sit here and write, but hey, it’s Friday so WTF and TGIF!  I am trying to get back on a regular schedule and actually made it to the gym pretty regularly and I’m feeling great.  Still fluffy and not losing weight, but hey, I have to remember to be patient.

I continue to find my relationship with the Hunter so interesting as I look from the outside in.  If we had met anytime before now (aka before empty nest), I doubt I would have been interested.  During my previous stage in life, a Provider was key to me.  That’s why I didn’t leave my Ex — I liked the $$ in the bank and the security he provided.  But I digress — sorry, but my writing today is wandering all over the place in some random free thought streams.  I actually just wrote two paragraphs that are going onto another post because it’s off topic.  Wait, do I even have a topic today?  I digress further…

Oh, yeah, the Hunter and our relationship!  We are in a comfortable place.  I am learning that I am a stronger force than I thought.  I am learning to sit back and let other people take care of me.  I am learning to talk about my anxieties and concerns because he (and my dear friends) will provide the love and support to talk me off the ledge.  I am learning that I will be a great success — just like my affirmations tell me — but I have to be patient a bit longer. I am learning to say no to volunteer projects that suck my time (I just bequeathed a great one to Robin — she needs this to get out more anyway),  I am learning that I am not a domestic goddess in any way, shape or form, so I just need to give up that charade and move on. I am learning that the Hunter is a good man with dreams and hopes that are finally coming true.  I am learning to trust him completely and to never be afraid to tell him anything (scars from my past life are healing).

A year ago I was in a different place.  One of apprehensive excitement because both the Hunter and I were launching our new companies.  Folks continue to shake their head in amazement at our courage (or foolishness) in starting two companies at the same time, but I like it because we both understand 100% what the other is feeling.  We are in a good place.  I’ve got $$ in the bank, Robin and I are finally splurging on haircuts after 6 months (LOL), the Hunter has a ton of meetings set up as a result of his smash hit presentation last week, I have a HUGE meeting next week with a potential new client as a result of my relentless marketing campaign (that shit really does work!).  Now my son needs to spend the weekend with his dad so I can fuck the Hunter silly this weekend.

 

Losing Sight of Shore

Losing Sight of Shore is an amazing documentary currently on Netflix. It is the story of the Coxless Crew – 4 women who ROWED across the Pacific from San Francisco to Cairns, Australia. They started with the quote “You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.” Of course that quote was Christopher Columbus, but I had never heard it before this documentary. Grab a bottle of wine and watch it – it’s amazing. These are among the bravest women I have ever seen.

final_ocean_quote_pictureIn any case, that quote has been rattling around my brain this week. It’s been a week of highs and lows. Let’s start with the lows and get them out of the way:
• I have been rejected for new business (OK, shit happens),
• Today marks the last day with a lovely client (I will miss them and the $$)
• A frenemy is riding that high of launching his own company and he’s on that early wave of beginner’s luck that I had. (My green-eyed monster reared its head.)
• I asked a long-ago boss for some business and he soundly rejected me, but I have to say the conversation was really constructive and he was kind enough to walk me through why he was saying no and he was right. (Life lesson, sigh).
• I can’t seem to get myself up on a consistent schedule/routine. I’m really frustrated about this.

Now let’s talk about the high’s for the week:
• I’m winning a new piece of business that isn’t easy, but it could be very cool with a nice payday.
• I have a new project that launched this week – also not easy but cool.
• The Hunter gave an amazing presentation to a small group of his ideal type of client and hit it out of the park.
• My son is hanging with us and it’s been lovely to see him
• I just had a lovely chat with a great friend and we made plans to see each other next week. She’s always a great inspiration and mentor to me.

I didn’t have a lot of wins, but these were good. It wasn’t a particularly busy week (another problem). I spent time on some things that I shouldn’t (correcting that course!). I didn’t spend time on things that do matter (like my cold calling course and other business development).

I am now headed out to sea without the shoreline in sight. I have very little to nothing in my pipeline. Yes, my bank account is now safely in the black with about 6 months of reserve, but I feel anxious and the pressure of an empty pipeline. I have to remind myself that Robin needs to pull her weight with the business development and she can’t be included on every $$ that I bring in unless she has actually worked on it. I’ve been down that road before and I ended up broke & resentful.

I talked to my BFF because I feel the stress. I wake up (unless I exercise and take a melatonin) in the middle of the night thinking about work. I’m having a few anxiety dreams (a man stalking me down a street with the intent of killing me – that was a lovely one). She sadly told me that this is all perfectly normal and probably won’t go away anytime soon. WTF? My other great friend just told me that I just need to give it another 6 months and then I’ll be more stabilized. She should know – she has been an independent business owner for many years.

The Hunter took me to the beach this week with the Kracken. I had an active, not even resting, bitch face on which scares him. LOL. The walk was fabulous. He dealt with the dog and I strolled up and down the beautiful, windswept beach watching the waves, the light dim – it nourished my soul. I have started listening to my daily affirmations and it calms my negative self-talk.  Today we are knocking off early to celebrate his great day and I hope we do a replay. This man truly gets me.

 

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