Today I am a sore loser. Oh I played gracious and nice on camera, but when the meeting ended, I was pissed. Plus I can’t really verbalize how pissed I am because I will simply look like a sore loser.
Well I am pissed and since I don’t feel comfortable ranting about it publicly, then this is another reason to blog.
I was in a contest for public speaking. OK, you know which one. I will have to blur a few details to protect the guilty, me and the innocent. I spent 4 hours of my weekend on Zoom. Yes, 4 hours. Not all on camera, but available, listening, etc.
I had won my club contest and now I moved up to the next level. I had 5 other competitors in my category. My speech was tight and very well rehearsed. I will go out on a limb and say it is probably one of my top 5 speeches of all time. Definitely top 10.
I paid attention to the details by making sure my lighting was good. I set up my laptop so I could stand in order to have better body language. I fucking put on makeup AND lipstick.
I was early in the speaking order, which isn’t always a good thing. I made sure to project energy, strong eye contact with the camera. I had vocal variety, my pacing and pauses were there. I am telling you – I nailed this speech.
As we waited, my club president and VP were sure I had placed. I felt pretty confident too. I listened to all my competitors and it was a competitive field. But my energy, my lighting, my speech’s structure and my winning smile were sure to win the day, right?
Nope, I didn’t make the top 3. That puts me on the bottom 3 and I am PISSED. As I write this, I get angrier. I was fucking robbed. Now keep in mind that I am sharing with you, Dear Reader, my innermost thoughts on this. I won’t say it out loud. But FUCK – I was seriously robbed.
Our club president was texting me and he thought I was robbed. I told him it reminded me of horse shows which can be quite politically subjective. I didn’t say politically, just subjective. I thanked everyone, said congrats to the winners and smiled.
WTF, he and the VP were getting texts from others outside our club who were watching and they thought I had nailed it. I did nail it. Argh.
This reminds me of my days in my old professional life when I would compete for business, do everything perfectly and not get the business due to an existing relationship or some other subjective reason. Fuck subjective. I never, ever win when the criteria allows for subjective. Never.
Argh. I played nice. I will do it again too because I also need the practice in learning how to be a better loser. Right now I suck at losing – anybody can see that. Maybe I should go take a walk.
OK, I did go take that walk. A short one around the small lake nearby. The sky was blue, the breeze was lovely and each step calmed my mind. I was able to recognize that today simply wasn’t meant to be my win. That’s life. I am happy with my effort. I am grateful for my club’s support and encouragement. I stepped outside my comfort zone and did my personal best. That’s a win in itself.
I still hate losing though – LOL. Who doesn’t?