"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for the ‘Taz Wedding’ Category

What’s Going On?

Last week Taz and Hubby were in town.  I had two days of Taz and utter relaxation.  Seems impossible, right?  Actually she needed R&R in a big way, so we chilled on two different uncrowded beaches.  One day her college chum and her dog joined us, one day it was the two of us.  We sat on the windy beach, trying not to fry our delicate winter white skin and listened to the beautiful sound of the waves.  It was divine.  Even more divine because I am a firm believer that the beach is better with adult beverages.

For the first time in almost 2 years I had Taz in a normal, calm state of mind.  She slept, ate and enjoyed being outdoors.  When her Hubby joined us midweek, he took one look at her and said, “Your mom is great medicine for you — you look so rested.”  She played with the Kracken, the Hunter made her delicious home-cooked meals and I made her amazing coffee from the fantastic espresso machine she gave me at Xmas.   We saw Hubby for an afternoon because he flew in a few days after her and we enjoyed a fun afternoon outdoors ending with drinks at a legit biker bar.  It was an idyllic visit.

Now I feel like I’m behind at work.  Some potential new business has fallen apart, but that’s the nature of my beast.  I just say, “Shit!” or “Fuck it” and move on.  Robin, my business partner, is a solid comfort to me.  We just keep moving and trying new approaches.  I’m more willing to chase some minnows, but she’s too smart for that. What’s interesting about my minnow chasing is that it is taking me down unforeseen paths — like talking to a Masters class at a nearby university or having a whole bunch of folks calling me instead of me calling them.  You never know where these things lead which is why I hate to say no to the minnows.

In the meantime, my big, beloved client who followed me to Maggie & Co is moving on.  They are changing their business model and it will no longer include us.  It has nothing to do with our service and they have already told us how much they will miss us.  If all goes according to plan, we will part ways in the next 45 days.

I’m looking at March, April and May with horror.  My car lease is up, our house lease is up and we are moving for sure, the Hunter turns the big 50 and I still have to do my taxes….Oh yeah, and my dad’s big 80th birthday bash which requires me traveling out of state falls in April.  And the Hunter has a huge speaking gig and….well, you get the point.  It’s never dull around here.

Now let me continue my hunt for new clients…..the Amazon needs some cash!

 

Little Lies

Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
(Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies)
Oh, no, no you can’t disguise
(You can’t disguise, no you can’t disguise)
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies

Fleetwood Mac

I promised you the story about how I caused some pre-wedding drama between the Ex, Taz and the now In-Laws. Right before the wedding, I made a whirlwind visit to Taz’s city because she was getting an amazing award and she wanted me and the Ex there. My daughter is incredible and this achievement is an incredible honor. It was a lovely ceremony, lively reception and then off to dinner with Taz, Hubby-to-Be (H2B), In-Laws and Ex.  

Taz had told me something prior to the trip that wasn’t sitting well with me. The Ex was suggesting/encouraging the Happy Couple to go ahead and get married at the courthouse when they went to get their marriage license. The reason was so his law partner wouldn’t have to bring her notary seal to the ceremony to properly witness the marriage license. Taz said they wouldn’t tell anyone they had really gotten married two days prior to the wedding. 

Well, apparently this was bothering my subconscious more than I realized and it bubbled out of me during dinner as we discussed wedding logistics. H2B was telling his mom that he was jonesing for a particular restaurant that he wanted to hit for lunch upon his arrival in my fair city. Taz was reminding him that they had to go together to get the marriage license. I spoke up and said something to the effect that if they were getting married at the courthouse, I wanted to be there. That, my friends, stopped the show and all civilized hell broke loose. 

Taz sent me horrific death ray looks. The MIL asked what the heck was I talking about. The Ex began explaining and the MIL had questions because obviously she couldn’t believe what she was hearing — this wedding was going to be a fake because the kids would already be married. Taz and H2B left the table because apparently H2B wasn’t up to speed on this idea and Taz was upset. It left us parents at the table unwinding this. Rather the Ex trying to provide some rational explanation for his idiotic idea. I sat back and watched.  

Then Taz returned, absolutely furious with me.  By this time the Ex had apologized and confessed that he had given the kids “bad advice”. I explained to Taz that the Ex had explained everything and admitted his mistake. Then the In-Laws left the table which freaked Taz out because she didn’t want them upset. Everyone was way too polite to really let loose and say what was on their mind, but the end result was everyone agreed that there would be no courthouse marriage. Dinner was over and the evening ended on a bit of a sour note. I felt awful for being such a killjoy but secretly happy to have aired this dirty laundry. Actually I was surprised that the In-Laws didn’t know about this. Taz had told me 4 days prior and the MIL is a divorce attorney –I assumed they knew. Anyway, I was staying with Taz and H2B which made for a bit of awkwardness when we got home. 

Taz and H2B spent about 30-45 minutes in their room. I retreated to the guest room and was prepared to call it a night. Then Taz called me down because they had made a fire. We all chatted and everyone was relaxed. Then I learned of more wedding drama — family friends were asking for plus-1’s. This created stress between Taz and H2B because he had cut cousins and friends from the guest list only to now be asked to include perfect strangers.  H2B and his kin would cut off their arm before asking for the favor of a plus-1.  Our neck of the woods apparently hasn’t read enough etiquette books to know that it’s rude to ask and ruder still to ask inside the 10-day window. We chat some more and I headed to bed only to be surprised by having Taz follow me to apologize for being mad at me. I was pleasantly surprised and relieved. 

When I returned home the next morning, I immediately called the MIL and apologized. I didn’t say what for and I guess I was apologizing for creating drama. She apologized for leaving the table and her behavior (which I had no problem with -I thought she had handled it well).  She had apparently texted Taz that night to apologize. What a class act.

Then I called my BFF and asked for a reality check. My BFF is from the same area as H2B so she was mortified with the plus-1 BS.  She was equally horrified with the courthouse marriage idea. As I told her, I got angrier as I thought about it. My damn Ex. What an asshole and here’s why:

  1. He was basically advising the Happy Couple to begin their marriage by lying to all their closest friends and family. “Come witness our exchange of vows” but the joke’s on all of you because this is just pretend. Why the fuck are we even flying in the minister? Why are we spending $50k on a wedding? There is no way that could have been kept a secret and imagine the explosion when the truth emerged? 
  2. Start your marriage with a lie so my law partner and I aren’t inconvenienced. Seriously? If that was my responsibility and I thought she was too flaky to remember the damn seal, I would have brought it or asked other guests who are notaries to bring theirs. It’s an honor, not an imposition. 
  3. The whole plus-1 situation was bubbling up from the Ex’s side. Control your damn guests and tell them NO and don’t bother Taz. She’s got enough on her plate without having to be the bad guy. YOU be the bad guy. They should know better. 

I ranted to my BFF and then got another rant with the Hunter. He plied me with wine and weed which softened my anger.  He thinks I did this on purpose and perhaps he’s right, but it wasn’t pre-mediatated. My rants did give me a whole new perspective of what Taz had been dealing with, although she later brushed it off when I later mentioned it. Perhaps I over-reacted because it’s simply my Ex being his usual douchebag self and I’m still sensitive about his shittiness. 

So Dear Readers, what are your thoughts?  Man, I am so glad I only have one Type A daughter to get married. Another would send me running for the woods. 

Where Have I Been?

I have to thank Dawn for stirring me to write. Life has been galloping along and there is so much to do much less think about and process. First, the wedding. It was a nightmare the week leading up to it, but the actual day was a dream come true. 

Taz runs at warp speed and the week leading up to the Big Day was packed with hair appointments, nail appointments, dress fittings, shopping for a variety of things, more shopping …and she had 30 pages of essays to write. I had 40 goody bags to make and deliver for hotel guests, people to pick up from the airport, Taz and her errands, menu cards to design and print — it was absolute insanity. Fortunately, my son arrived early and was my able, happy-to-help assistant. I had moments of eye-twitching, trying to breathe and control the stress. I had a meltdown or two. It was tough. I won’t kid you. 

Then the wedding day came and as I later described it, the rollercoaster began rolling down the peak without any ability to control it. I released my worries and stress and enjoyed the day. It was beautiful. The venue was amazing. It looked like a fairy tale. So romantic and dreamy.  The night went off without any drama. We have beautiful memories to fill a lifetime, stories to become family lore. 

The Hunter was by my side through it all.  He was awesome. My friends got to know him better.  Even though big parties are not his scene at all, he was with me for the rehearsal, the rehearsal dinner and the wedding. I have come to realize he has a bit of social aniexty, so I appreciate him stretching beyond his comfort zone. The day after the wedding was a brunch, but he skipped it due to a class he is taking. That was fine. 

That night he generously made dinner for my parents because he couldn’t afford to go out to a restaurant. It was a lovely evening.  He later thanked me for giving him that out instead of being embarrassed at a restaurant. I was touched. 

What made me chuckle is that all the Ex’s family and the Marriage friends were just as chummy and nice like the good old days. Not that the past was so great for me all the time, but they treated me like they use to. I discovered that I could care less and while it was nice to see everyone, they can still go fuck themselves. 

The happy couple took off on a two-week honeymoon. It took me about three days to recover from the wedding. I was exhausted — both mentally and physically. But I pulled it off. Now, how the hell am I going to pay for it?  LOL. 

The Wedding Approaches

It has been an interesting week. Taz was here for three days for wedding planning. Man, this young woman can be tough for me to handle. She is so much like her father and it brings up some strong emotions in me at times. Before I rant, know that 70% of the time was fine. She had a couple of times when she snapped at me and I was dumbfounded because it was completely out of line. I swallowed my hurt and anger but became a bit cool. She calmed down and realized she overstepped, but the damage was done. Just like her dad. 

One interesting thing is that perhaps I have been able to be a strong positive influence on her. I like to think so. On one ride home, we talked about her high school counselor, a man that I am forever thankful for being in my daughter’s life. She has stayed in touch with him and by some weird 6 degrees of separation, he is somehow related to a dear friend of the groom. We are talking a thousand mile connection – bizarre, but I digress. 

Anyway, during Taz’s senior year of high school, she was a handful. Too smart for her own good, strong alpha personality, the rigors of all AP classes, the pressure of college application process and a host of other things in her life made her a force to be reckoned with. My Ex and Taz were clashing regularly and both expected me to resolve it. I was stuck in the middle with my Ex bitterly complaining about her, directing me to correct her and then furious when I apparently “failed”.  Taz was simply growing to hate her dad for all his controlling actions. In steps the high school counselor who wisely told Taz that her dad was never going to change — most adults don’t, so she needed to decide if she could accept her dad for who he is. He told her much more, and she listened to him. Heaven has a special place for people like that counselor. I begged him not to retire until my son graduated and fortunately my son was also able to benefit from his wisedom when I moved out of the house before my son’s senior year. 

But returning to the present, Taz really churned up some emotions in me. They weren’t all happy thoughts either. She said some really sweet and loving things but then she zapped me a couple of times. The Hunter has gently asked if I am over-reacting.  Perhaps, but I know without a doubt that she will not be my caretaker when I get old and senile. She’s too tough. She is headed for a glittering, successful career at the top of her profession. She will be a rock star and I am so proud of her. I just hope that the success doesn’t come at the sacrifice of her loved ones. 

Then after the highs and lows of Taz’s visit, I ran into a colleague at a cocktail party. She told me she ran into my Ex at the bar of her neighborhood restaurant. She told me that he’s excited for the wedding, worried about walking Taz down the stairs in her dress and then she told me that he looked so woebegone. That it is glaringly apparent that he pines for me. WTF. I told her that perhaps if he wasn’t such an asshole we would still be married. 

After I left I called a girlfriend to discuss the conversation. Why the hell did my colleague feel the need to share the conversation with me?  She could have simply told me that they ran into each other and left it at that. As I told my girlfriend, part of me wanted to tell my colleague not to have pity on my Ex because he hates her and always called her a dyke when we were married. But there was no upside for me to do that. I simply had to listen and then retreat. My Ex also talked shit about all my business colleagues. He had nothing nice to say about any of them. It always pissed me off because if he was insulting/belittling those in my trade, wasn’t he also doing the same to me?  I asked him once and he kinda of laughed and admitted that I was right — he didn’t have any respect for my work. 

In any case, it feels good to write this and get it off my chest and out of my brain.  Today I feel fabulous. I figured out some complex financial stuff, cleaned my office and flirted with the Hunter.  I broke my alcohol-free January a bit early and feel great about it. My positive affirmations are working and I see a very bright and happy future before me. I found my dress for the wedding and Taz said that it was the most beautiful dress she has ever seen me wear. Let’s leave it there – happy. 

Post Christmas Thoughts

I know that divorced families have to negotiate the holidays and oftentimes it can be a minefield. I came from divorced parents who needed a judge to determine the holiday schedule and it was still a stressful time. I think that gave me a little PTSD when it somes to holidays. 

I planned to have my kids over for Christmas Eve. The Hunter invited Niño and his girlfriend, I had Taz, her fiancé and my son.  My thought was to have them on Christmas Eve and then they would spend Christmas Day with the Ex and his family. That worked out fine, but my Ex was a bit tricky because he caused my kids some guilt because he was spending Christmas Eve alone apparently. I tried to mitigate it a bit by inviting him to church, but he refused and things sorted themselves out.

I have learned that I still have lingering bitterness and anger towards my Ex.  The Hunter is encouraging me to let go, but I am grimly, doggedly hanging onto those emotions. I have done the horrible thing of “keeping score” and I need to let go of that mentality. I am hoping that since I recognize it, I am on the way to healing. 

Here’s an example of my score-keeping:  I had Taz and the fiancé over for Christmas Eve. They hung out for about 5 hours. My son is staying with me while the Happy Couple stayed with my Ex.  On Christmas morning, my son headed to my Ex’s for Christmas breakfast compliments of Taz, then on to the Ex’s family (2 parties), back to my Ex’s and he spent the night (under duress — both Taz and my Ex pressured him into staying).  On Christmas Day, I got no phone call from Taz and only a response to my Merry Christmas text. WTF. I was hurt. 

Then she had plans with her girlfriends and so I didn’t see now hear from her until Monday because we had a dress fitting. Then we spent a lovely day together and the fiancé joined us for a great lunch.  I had Taz all day, but I was still grumbling to the Hunter that the time spent with me is all wedding plans and errands. I don’t get “fun” time. 

He chastised me by  telling me that I am lucky because she knows I can get that stuff done and trusts me. OK, OK, I get that, but sometimes I want to be the fun one!  He replied that I need to stop keeping score and just ignore the Ex’s existence.  Easier said than done, but he has a point. 

One thing that dawned on me as I bitterly counted up the hours they are spending with the Ex versus me, is that baring an unforeseen calamity, I will outlive my Ex easily. He’s almost 56 to my 51 and as I mentioned in my previous post, his three decades of smoking is beginning to haunt him.  He was hospitalized briefly and although Taz says he’s fine, I am not so sure. The Hunter, when he first met him, noted that his color was bad and that he looked sick. I agree. Plus my Ex’s dad died at age 62….

Anyway, that morbid thought has put things into perspective.  Also, I know that he whines to the kids for more time. I sit back and don’t guilt them. My son appreciates that. My daughter prefers the Ex’s faster-paced neighborhood and lifestyle. That’s fine too.  I just don’t want to be taken for granted and ignored. I don’t want them to think that simply because I have the Hunter that I don’t want them around. OK, I am getting horny and fooling around with my son here is a bit tough since our bedrooms are side-by-side. LOL. 

But I like seeing my kids and spending time with them. I just need to perhaps come up with more activities.  I know that visiting my dad was dull because he never knew what the heck to do with me, so I need to apply that lesson to my own kids. We have invited my son to go camping with is over New Years. Once again, he is mindful of his dad and may only join us for a night or two. Damn, I guess I should be proud of the thoughtful son I have raised. In the meantime I get to take Taz and the fiancé to breakfast and the airport. Lucky me!

My Crystal Ball

Christmas has kept me busy. Both of my kids are in town and Taz’s wedding plans are in high gear. Today I am working on my business plan and figuring out how 2016 will look.  It is shaping up to be a transformative year. Here are some of my predictions:

  • The wedding is going to be exhausting, expensive but oh so amazingly beautiful, emotional and awesome.  We are about 60 days out. Dear Lord, hear my prayers….  
  • My son will embark on a big adventure.  I am encouraging him to do a semester aboard for the summer, a road trip across the country, hiking either parts of the Appalachian Trail or the Pacific Crest. The Hunter and I gave him gifts to further that adventure. I am excited to see what he does. 
  • I will transform my business ….. Or go broke trying. I am looking at some new technology, read some good books and have thought long and hard on how I want 2016 to look professionally. Now I need to Get Shit Done by finishing my business plan, creating my routines and stick to them. 
  • I will learn Self Discipline or die trying.  I need it for work and to lose weight and live a healthier life. I need to have a stronger self-control muscle and realize that procrastination is not my friend. 
  • The Hunter will get promoted at his new job and rather quickly.  He will continue to excel and will be rewarded. 
  • My Ex will struggle a bit in 2016. He has some health issues that Taz is downplaying, but I think 30+ years of smoking (1-2 packs daily) is catching up to him. I don’t wish bad on him, but I am realistic. I don’t know how this will impact me, but the possibility is there. 
  • I will expand my social circle and get out more. I spent 2015 hibernating with the Hunter, which was delicious. I recognize that if I want to remain interesting (both for him and me), I need to get out more. 
  • 2016 will be an expensive year. The wedding, my work re-positioning, Taz’s graduation, my son’s big adventure — not to mention my own adventures!  This makes my work re-design oh so important. 

Christmas with the Hunter and our blended families has been lovely. I have been struggling a bit with wanting equal time with my kids, but I’ll talk about that in another post. I’m happy and at the end of the day, that’s what matters. 

Letting Off Some Steam

Life is running full steam these days, but I’m not so much. I am overdue for a rant, so let’s go!

 I am disappointed that one of my new virtual hires didn’t work out and was a complete waste of time and, more importantly, money. She was an important component of my business development plan and achieved zero results, so she’s out and I have to start interviewing again. Ugh.

Then Taz is needing me for a variety of reasons. Her interviews have kicked in and I am her coach for these. I am so thrilled for her because she is really kicking ass and taking names. Her stories are funny, alarming at times, interesting and it takes time and mental energy to give her the right advice. I am honored that I am her “go to” for a lot of this. I just finished interviewing four florists for the wedding, checked on the dress and arranged the fitting, ordered a cake for the bridal shower so we can see if we want to use this person for the wedding cake, and the list goes on. My list is nothing compared to hers. 

Then we have the upcoming bridal shower. About 20 people gathering at my former brother & sister-in-law’s home. I have some of my posse attending , but the entire clan of the Ex will be the majority of the attendees. I opted to have the Hunter stay home because I cannot expect the Ex and his two brothers will behave.  A small gathering in enemy territory with flowing alcohol is a recipe for a clash. Plus the holidays caused quite a few fights between my mom, my Ex and me as I tried to balance time between her and the Ex’s family, so I have a PTSD reaction to conflict during the holidays. The Hunter is accepting of this, however, he (and I) want to make it clear that his absence is due to them. Something along the lines of “He’s not here because I knew you couldn’t be civil” is how I want to respond. Dear Readers, your thoughts are appreciated here. 

Today I have a colposcopy scheduled and I dread it. I am taking headphones so I can listen to music since this apparently will take half an hour. I didn’t sleep well and had a hilarious aniexty dream. The Hunter has a chest cold, but he is concerned and will be picking me up from the doctor. A neighbor is dropping me off.   I am grateful. He brusquely told me this morning to relax and let people help me. He’s right. 

My daily affirmations are wonderful and keep me from sinking into a funk. I need to work on my 2016 business plan and my coach has been awesome with directions, encouragement and praise. She’s amazing. I need to remember that action begets action. I need to take care of myself first and foremost. I need to let people help me. Interesting — I wrote that line twice. Hmmmm.

Last night I came home and the Hunter pounced on me saying that I looked upset. He kept asking me what was up and why I had such an angry face. I finally snapped and said something along the lines of: Why in the world should I be upset? I have a moderate (for me) amount of demanding work (always at the holidays– WTF), my daughter’s interviews and wedding demands, my kids haven’t sorted out Xmas schedules like I asked, the upcoming bridal shower and the stress of that, Christmas for which I haven’t shopped, oh and a couple of medical procedures designed to see if I have cancer. He’s right – I should just be full of sunshine. 

He was a bit abashed and toned it down immediately. I continue to think that he is a sensitive soul and thinks my bad moods directly relate to him. I appreciate his sensitivity, but he needs to accept when I say it’s not about him. So enough ranting. It’s time to get back to work and to be thankful for the many blessings in my life. I am thinking of some right now and it’s the  Hunter, my kids, and the beauty that surrounds me as I sit outside typing this. Lucky, lucky me. 

Tag Cloud