Yeah, I lost it over the weekend. I find myself questioning the life I am now living —again. I’m in the ‘burbs with a 70 pound incessantly barking puppy, renting a place I don’t love in a neighborhood that, well, I’ll be honest — it’s not my socio-economic level. Yeah, I’m a snob and I’m not proud about it. I want nice things. I want to better my life. So if that is what I want, I need to keep working hard to achieve it.
The Hunter and I talked on Sunday evening. I drank 2 glasses of wine and spewed forth my resentment of the dog and how things are right now. I asked him to step it up on the household cleaning stuff, among other things. He looked at me and said, “we have been over this before. Why are you bringing it up again? You are just like other women — never happy.” Ouch. He wasn’t particularly mad. He continued by saying, “we want different things. I’m a simple guy. I try to show you each and every day how much I love you and how much you mean to me.” Ouch again.
I don’t know what I want. I want a lot of things and they involve money. I want to walk down the winding country roads of Tuscany and eat dinner at different inns and hostels. I want to go to a beautiful resort in the Caribbean with a private villa so I can make love to the Hunter in the pool. I think what I need is a good vacation, but that’s not happening. Not right now when Maggie & Co. is still in its initial stages. I need more clients. I need more business. I need more money. I need, I need, I need……
The other problem/issue/cloud on the horizon is that the Hunter, as sexy a man as he is, has minimal interest in sex. He said his doctor had told him a year or so ago, during a check-up, that he has low testosterone. He just isn’t wanting to pound my pussy with any regularity. He claims it is not about me or my appeal to him, but his lack of libido. I gave him a look, according to him, that basically was “WTF, go to the doctor and get that shit fixed.” Ah, the look that says the thousand words…. But this makes me feel insecure. I feel like I’m fat and dumpy and unappealing to him. Sigh.
I have to be honest. I am having doubts. I am having doubts about what the fuck I am doing with my personal life these days.
I told the Hunter we need some date nights. He told me the truth and I know it’s his truth: he’s a loner. He claims he doesn’t have any friends (which isn’t quite true because he talks to and sees hunting buddies and old childhood friends on a more regular basis than I hang with my besties). He prefers to be alone, so any date nights will be when I plan them. I’m actually OK with this, but here is another truth because this post is really about my deep inner unspoken thoughts and feelings.
He has sabotaged outings in the past. I wanted to go to a festival — he was sick with a migraine. I wanted to go to a concert, he went and was bored to distraction (OK, it wasn’t a great concert, but I had the tickets and was going regardless). He dragged his feet and made us late to a comedy evening with some of my old work friends — I was so pissed that night. I could go on, but there is a pattern….
I don’t want to bury these problems. I don’t have another 25 years to toss away on a relationship that isn’t making me happy. Am I happy? I honestly don’t know. I have an eye twitch, I’m under immense pressure these days with work, money is tight, but I see a small pot of silver in the horizon so I feel OK.
I imagine my life without the Hunter and it’s lonely. I know that. I know that the Hunter’s new business would not survive without me and where would that leave this very good man? See, there is another pressure: the success of his business is also partially my responsibility also. I’m the marketing/business development force behind it.
Someone had recommended a book on Adult Attachment on ASV’s blog. I got it and have just started it. No big revelations at this point. I finished another book on Morning Rituals for successful people, so I can work on my self-discipline. My go-to move is always to find a book and try to research the answer. I have pulled out and analyzed my business plan over the weekend — what am I doing right, where can I improve. I revamped my marketing program and sent it to my business coach. I created a series of marketing pieces (quite brilliant, if I do say so myself) that now need to be printed so I can use them as mailers. Oh yeah, I have my taxes to gather up, my corporation to renew, finish up my mom’s estate, replace my car since my lease is up in 3 weeks, renew the lease on this crappy house for another 6-12 months because it expires end of May. I’m headed out of town for my dad’s big 80 birthday celebration next weekend and I have no meaningful gift. I did manage to book plane tickets for me and my son about 10 minutes ago. The list goes on….
Now as I read through all of this, I realize that I need to slow the fuck down. I’m under so much stress and deadlines that I will make hasty decisions that I will repent in leisure. I just need to get this year under my belt. Give myself some breathing room by making enough $$ to pay the bills. Now, I have to go join the gym down the street and get to a networking event. Sigh. I hope nobody notices my twitchy eye….