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Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

Aftermath

After inserting my foot very firmly in my mouth and not realizing that the Hunter has been reading along with all of you, it’s time to explain the aftermath.  The Hunter was hurt and angry (rightfully so) for the full-on blindside I delivered.  We have talked about our relationship, sex life and cleared the air on a number of things inside of our relationship.  Those things will stay inside our relationship and we have come out the other side intact, but we both have things that are still be digested individually.

The Hunter feels betrayed and lied to.  He thinks I have been deceptive.  Perhaps I have been, however, I will also say that confrontation has never been a strong point with me.  I need to do a better job of sussing out my feelings and separating the crazy aspect from the legit part. This blog is a part of that process and I think he now realizes that.  I am chalking part of my rant up to my crazy regarding holidays in general.  I’ll write some more about it as I process more.

On my side, I need to think about how I feel knowing, without a doubt, that the Hunter is an avid reader of my blog.  He is gracious, open and understanding about it.  He says I am a complex woman and this is his best way to understand what is ruminating around in my brain.  I respect and admire him for accepting that part of me.  I am difficult to understand and I make no bones about it.  Hell, half the time I have no idea what I truly think about tough issues.

But now how will I write?  Will there now be a bit of an internal censor knowing that one of you Dear Readers shares my life and my bed with me?  Will I go back to my brain dump and continue my ruminations?  Time will tell.  One thought I had was to password-protect sensitive posts or just leave them marked private so they aren’t published, but I don’t know if that’s the answer.  Is concealment a form of deception or just an omission of kindness?

As I have watched Ann St. Vincent go through the hell of being outed, it reminds me that there are many people who aren’t open-minded enough to understand what blogging means to many of us.  For non-writers/bloggers, they don’t understand our compulsion to put our thoughts on paper/screen in the wide open internet.  I do it so I have a snapshot of my brain processes.  The blogging/writing process coupled with reader comments helps me remember context and specific situations, release anxiety and tension and a host of other reasons.  Some of my stories cannot be shared with friends and family in the real world, but I feel the need to tell/share them.  This gives me that needed outlet.

In any event, I am back to writing, the Hunter is back to reading and life goes on.  That’s enough for today.

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Dear Hunter

My Love,
Technology can be cruel and I apologize. I had no idea that my blog pops on your tablet whenever a post goes up. You have had a front row seat of my innermost thoughts for many, many months.

As we had discussed at the beginning of our relationship and during this two counseling sessions, my blog is how I process. It’s my inner mental journey, so you have seen my secrets while I have not seen your innermost thoughts.

I know I have caused you hurt and I am deeply sorry. You are a kind, wonderful man who treats me only with respect and kindness. It breaks my heart to see you angry and hurt because of me. I don’t have answers.

Do I ask you to radically comprise to fit what I want? Is that fair? We both agree that we aren’t staying in this house when the lease is up, but what’s next? What about the Kracken? I believe we have an obligation to him. We got him, he stays. I will just have to suck it up.

Now you just left having told me that in your mind we are officially over. I’m heartbroken. You are in so much pain because of me and I am so very sorry. I do love you. You have brought joy to me and I am causing you pain.

I”ve Been Thinking

How much do you compromise or give up for a relationship? That’s my current question rumbling thru my head.  After Thanksgiving, I started thinking about my relationship with the Hunter.  The pros and cons.

Pros: companionship, great sex, a man who cares and takes care of me

Cons: I’m not living where and how I want.  I mean, I’m in the house in the ‘burbs instead of a more urban townhouse in a walkable neighborhood.  I have an 80 pound dog who is ravishing my already destroyed patio furniture as I write. I have a man that I have little in common with.  He talks of hunting, guns, vehicles. I talk of articles I read, podcasts on various topics. Our mutual topics: work, the dogs, mundane day-to-day stuff.

When he was gone on an 8 day hunting trip, I fell into a pleasant routine and didn’t find myself yearning for his return.  Actually I was a little  regretful because he creates more mess for me to clean up. That was noteworthy.

Can I truly stand living alone? I was doing it before the Hunter came into my life and I had my highs and lows with it.  What would happen to him? He is financially dependent upon me.  

We aren’t on the same page about vacation ideas, his work goals, where to live, our politics, how to spend the holidays, and other assorted tropics. I like art festivals, museums, farmers markets, brunch.  He likes the woods, rednecks and hunting. I am a cat person, he isnt. Some days I feel like I have a Roommate.  

I have come to realise I’m not an easy person to live with.  I snore, I can be moody – particularly when anxious about work. I need solitude both with work and off time to read, think, write. 

You also have the Dan Savage premise that nobody is “The One” — you just take the person who is .758 and round the fuck up.  He has a point.

The Hunter knows I’m not happy with him right now.  I spent a long day with my kids, their in-laws, my Ex and his GF (very nice lady — we just said hello and then stayed at opposite ends of the crowd).  I enjoyed the day but I could see where it would have been a long, drawn out strain for him. Perhaps it was better that he didn’t join us because it enabled me to determine what I wanted to do. 

But that also leads to the question of “do I want a man who would be fine with such an event?” What would I be compromising in other relationship areas?

I don’t want to make a hasty decision.  My lease is up in May and as my BFF said — that would be the time.  Is it time? I’ve been with him 3 years. I don’t see him as the man for the rest of my days, or do I?

Post Turkey thoughts

Thanksgiving was interesting.  The Hunter went into a full scale anxiety  attack that made us an hour late to Taz’s hotel and ended the day with a “no more holidays ever” declaration.  It was a big test of my patience & understanding.

Today is a big outdoor hang-out day with Taz,  her inlaws, probably my Ex and his GF but the Hunter has flat out stated he isnt going.  He wants to head to the woods with the Kracken.

Let’s back up and run thru the day quickly.  I had made my desserts the night before.  I sensed he wasn’t in a good place when he didn’t pop out to get me aluminum foil last minute.  He usually is great about that.  Instead he took a shower & fell asleep on the couch. It wasn’t a big deal and I took care of the 15 minute errand. This was just a “hmmm” monent.

When we woke up on TDay, he told me he was full of aniexty.  I hugged him, reassured him that we could skip his sister’s if it was too much.  He had run out of pot, so he scampered out to pick up a platter for Taz’s gathering and some pot.  This made us late.  He called me when we should be packing the car and he was still 45 minutes away and he still needed a shower.

He was trying to create drama. “Go without me so you aren’t so late, I”ll drive separately.”  Nope, our festivities were 45 minute drive.  I hugged him tight, told him I would wait and we finally left together.  I texted Taz explaining his panic attack.

The day was great.  Everyone was warm, loving and fun — at both Taz’s and his sister. I drank a little, smoked a little and was loose and relaxed.  My head was in a happy place. He choose to see his demons. He refused to participate in his sister’s tradition of everyone briefly giving thanks for the good in their lives.  He left the room..and me.

Our drive home was mostly silent.  Barely any chatter of the who, what, where of a 10-hour day. Even now on the morning after I sit alone.

I got home and climbed into bed almost immediately.  He smoked a little more, came to bed, woke me up to fuck me good.  It was lovely but it didn’t put aside the doubts that are forming in my mind.  Is the season of the Hunter approaching its end?

Uh Oh…the Hunter is gonna be sad

The Hunter is in his happy place — his hunting lease on a couple hundred acres of farm land.  He has already been up there once and “harvested” a deer.  I am fortunate that when it arrives home it is already beautifully packaged by a professional butcher, so I can safely remain blissfully detached from what this meat once was.

The Hunter is smart and has the butcher make all kinds of different things with the meat.  We have amazing sausage, some small chops, cube steak, ground meat — it’s a great variety to help avoid getting tired of it.  I like the venison, but….I don’t think it likes me.

When the Hunter returned from his first trip, we dived into the venison and probably ate it almost every day.  I started not feeling well but thought I just had stomach bug or something.  I didn’t put 2 and 2 together.

Yesterday I made some venison cube steaks for dinner.  Yep, it doesn’t agree with me.  Within a couple of hours, my stomach began hurting.  It’s still off this morning.  I did a little research on the internet and can’t really find a definitive answer on what’s up with me.  Some folks say to back off the amount because the protein content is high.  That could be the situation with me because I never had problems with it before when we made chili and such.

I am reluctant to tell the Hunter that his beautiful venison isn’t agreeing with me.  He is so happy to be providing for us and these trips are truly inspiring for him.  I’ll continue to experiment this week and monitor the results.  If I can’t figure out the magical combination of venison and my digestive system, I’ll have to confess to the Hunter and see his sad face.  I have a feeling it won’t be sad for long because then he’ll just say, “that’s OK, love, just more for me!”

Vacation Thoughts

Here I sit in bed on vacation. Is it a vacation? I could say perhaps no — merely a round of visits to family. I had a migraine today that left me a bit under the weather for the most part. I did rally for lunch & a bit of shopping that left me wiped out. I got some excedrine migraine which is truly a miracle drug and now I feel much better but due to the high amounts of caffeine unable to sleep.

I’m restless. I feel like I’m not getting the vacation I wanted. I envisioned walks in the woods communing with nature, writing in my journal/blog, thinking of my life (personal & professional), planning, reading – just days of quiet reflective time. It ain’t happening.

My parents are great and thrilled to have me visit. I am having a lovely time with them, but it’s not what I envisioned. It’s OK. I’ll have some alone time soon when the Hunter takes off to his hunting lease for 10-14 days.

I should have packed my vibrator. Both my parents are hard of hearing…

I haven’t disconnected from work as much as I wanted, but that’s OK to a certain extent. I haven’t turned off my phone or my social media. Not so good.

#####

Now, five days later, here I sit at a rest stop as I finish my drive to home and I realize that my vacation was a great success. I listened to three great books on tape as I drove, read one book and most importantly perhaps I reconnected with the members of my family that I love the most.

####

When I returned home last night, the Hunter greeted me with a very clean house, a lovely dinner and then he fucked me really good twice.  What a great way to come home.

I had thought the month of September was a big loss due to interruptions from Hurricane Irma and Labor Day, but I was wrong. It was actually a great success because I was able to spend time with Taz, my parents, and my son. What more can I ask? It was great quality time too and I have nothing but love in my heart for all of them. It was great to reconnect with all of them. I am a very, very lucky woman and I was blessed to be able to have this time and freedom to go visit with everybody. The Hunter has been nothing but supportive of these visits and I’ll have more quiet time when he heads up to his hunting lease in two weeks. All is well.

It was a great vacation after all and I’m ready to get back to work this week.

 

Taz Reunion

I really needed last weekend in the Big Apple with Taz.  Our agenda:  nothing.  We hit the Highline because I hadn’t seen it, we had mani/pedis, we ate great food, we drank a lot of champagne, we watched movies and we talked — a lot.  It was delightful.

Her new place is great and has a wonderful rooftop terrace that overlooks the Empire State Building.  I was comfy and cozy.  Her Hubby was out-of-town having a guys weekend with an old friend, so we had the place to ourselves.

Taz has settled down.  The insanity of 2016 with the wedding, interviews for residency, graduation, moving and the million other things are behind her.  Now it is the insane daily grind of a high-profile residency program, but she is learning how to manage it.  Her temper is cooler, her voice of reason has reappeared and we spent the entire weekend without her snapping at me once.  I think that is a first in about 4 years.

She is also becoming a very wise, insightful woman.  She told me of the plans she and Hubby are making for their life.  They share all their hopes and dreams with one another, fully support the career and other goals of each other — it is a wonderful relationship.  They are both very blessed to have found each other.  I am so incredibly happy for them.

Taz also touched my tender heart.  She told me that she appreciates how much I have sacrificed for others over the years.  She gets it and she thanked me.  She also understands why I adore the Hunter.  Taz explained, “when you told me he grocery shops and cooks for you, I totally understood the attraction.  You finally have someone who wants to take care of you.  I am so happy for you.”

We also laughed about one of her insights.  Our attachments to certain things.  I told the story of my meltdown over my shoe graveyard one Sunday.  She completely understood.  We have a quirky attachment to our stuff.  We don’t want others to break it or damage it because that just pisses us off immensely.  She had an example of a crystal vase that had been in the family for forever (I got stuck with a bunch of crystal vases over the years so I have no idea if it was a wedding gift of mine, my mom’s or MIL).  Anyway, Hubby broke it by accident.  She got pissed.  Really pissed.  He didn’t quite understand her anger.  We commiserated that a fucking photo doesn’t do justice to the item.  We want to hold it, see it.  We talked about how my move from my adorable townhouse to my new locale was a big sacrifice in some ways for me.  How I need to get back to having an adorable place that I love.  It does feed my soul.

Anyway, it was fabulous.  I gotta run because I’m packing for my road trip and leave tomorrow.  I’ll write some more while I’m away….I think…..

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