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Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

I Was Sick

Ugh, like the new kid at school, I caught a cold and was a snuffly, cranky mess for the week.

Colds run a predictable pattern with me:  days of sore throat followed by hacky cough.  Next is a crescendo of runny nose, sneezing and general germy  demeanor that halts people in their track from approaching me.  The cold fades with sneezing, some strong coughing and snot.  Lots of snot.

I’m cranky when I have a cold.  Leave me the f*#k alone.  The Hunter walks on egg shells because his natural inclination is to hover and cuddle and nurse.  I hate that.  Seriously, it could be anyone trying to do that and I’ll bite their head off.  Just hand me a Coke, some DayQuil or NightQuil depending on the time of day, a box of tissues and the remote.  Retreat.  By the end I’ll want food, but otherwise, do not acknowledge my existence.  Thank you.

The Hunter thought he was sexy and adorable telling me he can’t wait to get me in the sack and ravage me.  My nose is red and runny, I’m coughing/sneezing/blowing my nose. I’m exhausted from a week of commuting 2 hours round trip and a long day.   Really?  Sex is the last thing on my mind.  Snuggling is not an option.  Read my above statements.  Ugh.  Seriously?  I just want sleep, lots of sleep, and the remote.

I know I sound ungrateful, however, I think sick folks (meaning not seriously ill, just minor maladies) fall into two categories:  1) ignore me and 2) nurse me back to health.  I am the former and the Hunter is the latter.  I guess part of my problem is that I want to be ignored because my history involved having people that always wanted something from me, even when I was sick.  “What are you making for dinner?”  “Where is ____?”  “Can you take me here, there or yonder?”  “How long are you going to sit on the couch?”  Yeah, being sick in my previous life was not an option.

Now I revel in the glory that if I want to sit my ass on the couch all weekend to read books and watch movies, I can.  Add in a rainy day and you’ll lucky if I say four words.

Today I’m feeling human.  I’m about to jump in the shower and clean all my cold germs off me.  It’s a catch up day of paperwork for Maggie & Co plus my personal bills and what not.  It’s not sexy day.  I’m not feeling it.  I feel lucky to feel simply human right now.  Now, how do I reject him without hurting his feelings?  I have no idea, but I better think of something because he’ll be home in a few hours….

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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

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My Beach Read

My beach read for my recent trip was “The Naked Truth” by Leslie Morgan.  That damn bitch wrote my book.  Actually she wrote the Hollywood version of my book.

She’s doing the newly divorced 50ish woman re-discovering her sexuality with a flair that only privileged white women can do.  That’s my snarky side peeking out.

Leslie is a beautiful, fit, successful writer with two homes.  That hussy was living the dream — my dream — in her memoir.  OK, enough of my green-eyed monster.  Give me a minute and let me tuck my monster away….

OK, I’m back.  Leslie was right on point.  Her pain, her honesty, her humor but mostly her blinding candor made this book a great read for me.  It reminds me that women in our 50’s with an empty (or nearly empty) nest really need to spend some time discovering and uncovering ourselves (pun intended).

No spoilers.  If you have a chance to grab the book, you’ll spend some time with someone who automatically feels like a friend.  Here are some of my favorite quotes – no spoilers, I promise.

“I was crazy about men now the way Lyon had loved each of his high school hookups.  Including me.  Each of the men in my life was a chip of self-worth, helping me rebuild myself”

“Ever ask yourself what are you really looking for, honey?  Sometimes it seems like you’re willing to pay an awfully steep price in order to feel loved.  That’s what you always say about your first marriage — that the definition of an abuse victim is someone who pays too high a ransom in exchange for love.”    This one hit home for me.

Sara (this is her therapist) had warned me to be careful.  She cautioned that the first serious relationship following a divorce can be more intense than the marriage itself, because after a divorce, you are raw and broken and filled with hope that the next time, you’re going to find lasting love to make up for the love you lost.”  Damn, did that ring true.

“You know it sounds to me like Jake (her boyfriend) is your burn ointment.  Your sexual healing after years of Marty’s (her Ex) sabotage.  But that doesn’t mean he’s your soul mate.  Each man you date now is a building block for your self-esteem.  Not the foundation.  Don’t confuse the two.”  Damn, I need her therapist.  That woman is worth her weight in gold.

“Withholding emotion is a form of manipulation.”  Yeah, I may be guilty of this…

“Part of this journey was, obviously, that I had to learn and re-learn that the way I allowed men to treat me was up to me, and only me. I had to thread a particularly challenging needle:  to find validation from men in my life without completely giving myself over to them.”  Yep, still working on that.

“You grew up in an alcoholic home.  Fundamentally, this means that the people who loved you, who were supposed to take care of you, didn’t protect you.  It’s why you are so independent, and yet paradoxically susceptible to abuse and manipulation by those closest to you.”   This was a biggie for me.  My family wasn’t necessarily an alcoholic home, but it was dysfunctional.  Something to ponder further.

Anyway, buy Leslie’s book.  We divorced nymphomaniacs need to stick together.

Naked Truth

Family, Recharge, Nature

I spent Memorial Day weekend at the beachside town I have been visiting with my family for over 28 years.  It was my first overnight visit in over 5 years.  My first post-divorce stay.

My Ex began coming back to this town about 1-2 years ago.  I was glad he did.  He has been visiting with his fiancee and our son.  It holds special memories for all of us.  To put it in perspective, this is where I have told my kids to sprinkle my ashes when I’m gone.

I was the third wheel with my girlfriend and her husband.  They had never vacationed here, so I was able to provide some tour guiding assistance.  I was careful not to be too pushy with my advice and let them suss out what they wanted to do.

I was so happy to drive up by myself.  I brought my bike and pedaled around a couple of times.  We hit some of my favorite spots for dinner, but not all of them.  They are low-key, so we didn’t hit the busy places or the bars.  I would have enjoyed an evening of live music and drinks, but that didn’t happen.

The weather was perfect.  Our beach house was ideal for the three of us and their dog.  I spent my days walking, biking — busy and I felt really good the entire trip.

This place brings back happy memories.  My Ex and I rarely fought here.  It was a place of peace.  As my blog title explains, this place has always been about Family, Recharging and Nature — the beach is breathtaking.  My drive up and back was relaxing.  I stopped at a waterfront restaurant and enjoyed an amazing view and a delicious meal.  My friends were chill and fun.  My room was cozy.

I spent a weekend completely at peace.  The Hunter fucked me silly before I left.  I wish I had taken my vibe, but that’s OK.  The walls might be a little too thin for that.  LOL.

The weekend was the perfect buffer between ending Maggie & Co. and starting my new job.  I had a full day at home to shop and cook before starting my new job.  I felt fully prepared and eager to get going.

As I sat on the beautiful beach, I prayed, “May God grace me yet again with the opportunity to correct my mistakes and begin again.” Then I enjoyed a walk down the beautiful beach.  I was already in heaven….

Beach Selfie

Beach Selfie

The End is Near

Today is the last day of Maggie & Co.  I am wrapping things up, turning over projects to friends and generally tying up the loose ends as best I can.  Just in time for vacation.

I feel great.  OK, my mouth is a little sore from my dentist installing a crown yesterday.  I love my new dentist, as much as one can love an inflicter of pain.  She told me I was a queen and she was just giving me the crown I deserved.  Then she and her staff made sure I was comfy, pain-free, played the music I wanted and generally nurtured me into submission.

I had lunch with Robin this week.  She is well.  We are planning for her to visit me when I move in the Fall.  It was a happy get together.  She agreed that I am so fortunate to be handed this opportunity to hit the Reset button.

My Son broke up with his girlfriend.  I’m relived about that.  She wasn’t the One for him.  Sorry, but she wasn’t.  He feels bad about it, but also relieved.  I think breaking up with someone when you are literally halfway around the world provides some guilt.

I wonder about how this new job will work out.  I’m excited for it.  It seems to have a great culture.  I’ve been reading a couple of books that tackle the issues I will be confronting with these folks.  It’s fascinating and I’m full of ideas.  I know, I know, I have to sit back, watch, observe and learn more about these folks before I jump in with my ideas.  I’ll be patient.  I promise.

I told the Hunter that my plan for at least the next two years is simple:  WORK, Exercise, Rest.  That’s it.  My BFF loved this — very simple.  But it’s true.  I want to work both with the new company and any side hustle I create, so I can pay off all my debt and be financially stable.  I want to exercise because I am perilously close to my all-time high on the scale.  So disappointing.  I’ll write more about the food issues.  Rest because everybody needs to recharge.  Rest may include some play, but rest to recharge both mind and body.

So the end of Maggie & Co as we know it is upon me.  It will still be around because I need the corporate entity for the side hustles, but not the way I envisioned it.  That’s OK, I am much happier with my future.

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Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash

 

 

 

Cleaning Out My Closet

This weekend I was cleaning out my office and going through boxes of photos & crap in an effort to get rid of more stuff.

Mission accomplished. One huge bag of shredded papers and junk tossed. Lots of paper recycled, a box of books donated, 3 boxes mailed to Taz (one was her wedding dress), etc., etc. It was a long, vastly productive weekend.

The first day was a bit slow as I went through boxes of photo albums and I came across boxes of old letters both from my mom’s stuff and my stuff. My mom’s correspondence was interesting. Letters from my dad (post-divorce), my grandparents (both sides), my mom’s sister and more.

At the beginning, when my parents separated and my mom moved 3 hours away to go back to school, my dad wrote a couple of nice, warm letters to her. He missed his kids. Then something must have happened and the tone shifted.

My mom always thought he had been having an affair with my stepmom. Maybe. Later on my stepmom wrote some nasty letters to my mom calling her a slut & accusing her of keeping us kids for the child support money.

My grandparents sent letters about me being unhappy, personal loans that needed to be repaid to them.

I came across one lovely letter from my brother raking me across the coals for not sending my dad a birthday card. I was 13, he was 17. Mind you this is now the brother that has nothing to do with any family member.

It was boxes of evidence of the dysfunctional family I grew up with. Then I found 4 shoe boxes full of letters from friends and family to me.

One poignant letter stood out. It was a draft that I never mailed to a boyfriend. I had picked up and bolted across the country after my first year of college to rejoin my mom and awful stepdad. They had encouraged me to do this. My letter was about what an awful mistake I had made. My stepdad was drunk, nothing was they had represented. I was struggling to figure out my options including joining the military. I had burnt my bridge with my dad so returning wasn’t an option.

I stopped reading the letters. I don’t have the emotional capacity or time for them right now. I want to read them though because they contain information I have long forgotten.

My dad is sending me two more boxes of such memories including my long lost yearbooks and diaries. Oh boy, there is gonna be some interesting stuff there.

For now, I am putting it all aside. The past is the past. I want to focus on the future.

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Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

I Have No Idea What’s Going On

I have no idea what’s going on today.  Money?  No idea what I will end up with.  It ain’t looking robust, but I’ll be fine.  I think Karma sent me a little reminder on why I am choosing gainful employment over this Maggie & Co. gig.  Thank you, Karma, but a little extra money won’t taint me, I promise.

The Hunter is wooing me.  He was hurt that I wanted a clean break.  He is using his favorite tool, sex, to try to win me back.  I can’t complain about that.  We still have so many months of co-habitation that my plan is to just go with the flow.

I said good-bye to two clients this week and put them in the hands of a colleague.  It’s bittersweet, but I’m glad to close those chapters.  I have one to go.  Plus many memos and follow up with these colleagues to insure a seamless transition.  Sigh.

I got on the scale and it was ugly.  Very ugly.  I really have to figure out how to plan exercise into my new daily routine once I start working.  This company works 9-hour days, 4 days a week and then 7 on Friday (including 1-hour lunch).  Add in my one-hour minimum commute each way and I’m occupied 11 hours a day.  Maybe a lunch workout?  Can I handle getting up at 5:00 to get 45 minutes in before my day starts?  My first thought is to work out after work so I can miss the rush hour, but will I be too tired?

My diet sucks.  I’m eating whatever is put in front of me and I’m not making healthy choices.  Ugh.  I have to fix that, but I haven’t really put much thought into how.  I do plan on taking lunch and I will probably also take breakfast since these days start so damn early.  That will help me get back on track.  I’ve been Pintresting  like a fiend on lunch ideas or grab n’ go breakfast ideas.

Now on the positive side, I have been working on my sleeping habits.  I have been making sure I’m in bed by 10 and up by 6.  Next week I will tweak it a little more so I’m up by 5:30.  I’ll need to leave the house by 6:30 to get to work with a little buffer in case of traffic.  I’m driving over 50 miles each way, so my goal is to be early rather than on time or late.

I am keeping myself busy every day.  I have a dentist appointment this week plus I may go ahead and get new tires so I’ll be safer driving in the summer rains.  I have my final industry networking event tomorrow night.  I’m not even sure I want to go.

I also have lots of paperwork to cull through, a call to the IRS to figure out what I owe and troubleshoot why I can’t use the online system, packing up my office or at least cleaning it out really good.  I might as well throw stuff into boxes and be done.

My future looks busy.  Very, very busy.  I hope it translates into money.  Steady, good money.

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Wait, What?

I have a couple of those “Wait, what?” moments already this week.  One is my pipeline of money.  What is going to get paid and what won’t.  I have no idea at this point.  Actually I have the conservative approach and the “maybe, just maybe” approach.  Who knows?  I certainly don’t at this point, so I keep just trudging forward.

The Hunter has made some decisions about our relationship and what it will look like over the summer.  He wants to be simply friends and have me help him with his business.  He sat down with his attorney (who I introduced him to) and they discussed the fact that I still own 25% of his company.  Yeah, the company that is about to start churning out some serious profits.

He has offered me a Promissory Note of a nice chunk of change that I wasn’t expecting.  I found his offer to be very fair.  Let’s see what the Promissory Note says and if I actually get the money.  I can always use the tax write-off.

Next up, he wants to move out of the bedroom and take over my office as his bedroom.  I am fine with that, surprised, but fine.  This means that I have to pack up my office almost immediately.  To that end, I went on Offerup and got a bunch of boxes so I can start packing.

He gently asked me this morning how I was feeling about it all.  I said that I am processing it, but I’m fine.  I have known that all this change was coming, but it is coming faster than I anticipated.  It’s OK.  I asked for this, so I have to roll with it.

The Hunter wanted to cut our romantic ties because he believes that I am seeing someone or am interested in someone else.  “When my gut tells me, I listen,” he said.  I think, like most men, he prefers to think that there is a competitor rather than a complete rejection of the relationship.  I guess it makes it easier to swallow.  For the record, another man is the furthest thing on my mind.  I have so much more to be thinking about.

My friggin’ professional organization has turned into a cesspool of bickering women.  Ugh.  I am setting up the June event even though I won’t be there.  I should have that settled up by the end of the week and then they can go fuck themselves.  I am putting together an amazing presentation with top-notch speakers.  Ha!  I figure I would go out with a splash.

I have been shopping the past two days.  I bought some new slacks and a casual blazer to spice up my wardrobe.  I don’t think I have bought new work clothes (except for my Target interview suit) for over a year.  The new job is a “business casual” environment but as women, what the heck does that mean?  I will dress more professionally than most, but I prefer that.  I hauled my favorite work shoes to the cobbler for an overhaul and got three new pairs from DSW just to add some fun to my tootsies.  That should hold me for now.

Next up, I’m heading to the dentist for a long overdue cleaning.  I have to change my air filter in the car and get my tires rotated.  I have to call the IRS and get my payment program set up.  For some reason I cannot make their online portal work.  Sigh.  I can’t decide if the dentist or the IRS is the worse thing I’ll do this week.  LOL.

I have meetings scheduled with two clients so I can pass the baton.  I am telling them a partial truth (or partial lie – your pick) by saying that I am starting a very large project in another city that will be taking me away from them.  This will allow me to scoot back to them if needed.  Internal agreements with my replacements are being signed.

There are a lot of spinning plates right now, but I find myself working half days.  I get up in the morning and attempt to push my projects forward, then I take the afternoon off to run errands.  It’s nice.  I don’t feel stressed.  I’m ready to start my new chapter.  I am NOT looking forward to packing, but it has to be done.

Hopefully the Hunter and I continue on this cordial path of uncoupling.  Hopefully the folks I’m giving my business to will remember to treat me well.  Hopefully this job is the dream job I wanted.  Hopefully the pot of money is bigger than my conservative estimate.  I got lots of hope.  Lots.

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Photo by Hoan Vo on Unsplash

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