"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

Moving Pros & Cons

We moved.  I only have a couple of items to handle with the old place and we’ll be done.  The house is sparkling clean (cleaner than we got it) and the final walk-thru is later this week.  I’ll grab some stuff I’m donating and some other bits & pieces out of the garage, but that place is EMPTY!  Kudos to the Hunter for all his hard work and organizing the cleaning crew.  I’m so happy to close that chapter.

The new place is great, but it’s been a hard slog to unpack and organize.  I’m still tossing/donating stuff as I unpack.  I pull stuff out and think, “What the heck was I thinking — chuck this!”  It’s been great.  What is really nice is unpacking some boxes of china and dinnerware that I haven’t seen in 2 years.  I can’t wait to throw a dinner party in our tiny place.  We’ll just have to party from the driveway through to the backyard.

I love a two-story place.  Call me nutty, but I like the exercise of running up and down the stairs.  The Hunter hates it for the record.  He is always trying to figure out how to traverse the stairs as little as possible.  On moving day, I thought I would collapse after 20+ trips, but day-to-day I like it.  I feel like my office is in a treehouse.  My desk overlooks the front entrance to the community, so I see the kids headed to and from the bus stop, people walking their dogs and everything in between.  We have a tiny front porch that fits 2 chairs and an end table, so last night we sat out front with the Kracken and enjoyed watching folks stroll by.  It’s the perfect spot for a glass of wine and end-of-day chat. The backyard is also small, but cozy.  The whole place is developing a warm, cozy feel even though I still have tons of boxes to unpack.

When I unpack, I start with the essentials:  the kitchen first and foremost.  Even if it’s not perfectly organized, I have to get it operational as quickly as possible.  Then I figure out the basics of the bathrooms so we can at least take a shower.  The first night the Hunter and I each enjoyed a delightful soak in the oversized tub in the master bath.  I’m not a bath person, but it was awesome.

I don’t have the office up and running, but that is not a top priority at this point.  My laptop is hooked up and that’s all that really matters at this point.  I want the downstairs livable and it is very close.  I have a daybed frame arriving on Wednesday, so hopefully we’ll have a living room worth living in.  Right now the three of us fight over two chairs and one of them is a smelly patio chair desperately in need of new cushions.

However, it’s not all sunshine and roses over here.  First of all, it is so incredibly rainy and soggy that I wonder if we will ever dry out.  The Hunter and I have been stressed and at times a bit annoyed with one another.  We both take a deep breath and have been able to resolve things, but we have our moments.

One key moment was over trashcans.  With all the craziness in the world, we have a strong conversation about the placement of the main trash pick-up bin.  The Hunter wants it out of our tiny garage and his idea was to put it on that cute front porch.  It would be seen from inside the house, but he was going to put some plants to hide it from outside view.  He had it all figured out until I entered the picture.

My head almost exploded.  A fucking smelly garbage can right at the front door?  One that can be seen from the dining room table?  This is the first impression of our new, cozy home?  I put my foot down, hard.  He sighed, hard.  I explained that I wanted a nice place and that trashcan was ruining the vision in many ways.  I outlined my concerns and  he took a minute to listen to them instead of brushing me off like he has been doing recently.  Crisis averted and the bin went back into the garage where it belongs.

Another interesting situation for the control freak in me has been letting go which allows the Hunter space and a place to have his things on display.  His hunting trophy/mounts, books, vintage shotgun shells and the like.  He commandeered a cool shelf unit that I use to display a few of my odds & ends.  I took a deep breath, a step back and let him go at it.  It’s his house too.  Let’s face it, the majority of the house is for me, by me and filled with my stuff.  He’s not asking for much and he deserves that.

Anyway, we are chugging along and the move was basically uneventful which is all anyone can ask for.  Now I’m going to soak in some Epsom salts in my delightful tub before unpacking some more boxes.

paul-baden-530565-unsplash

WTF was he thinking?  Crisis averted!  Photo by Paul Baden on Unsplash

Advertisements

Dammit – Be Grateful!

I’m cranky this morning and felt myself spiraling into a funk.  This time I refuse to sink into it and I’m fighting it.  I have so much to be grateful for — the week was a good one, even though a vicious migraine attempted to undermine me.  Here’s the good stuff:

  • Met two potential new clients and they are both lovely people
  • I had a fabulous send-off lunch with Robin who starts her new job next week.  She is happy, grateful and on the path to stability and great success.
  • Work is going well
  • The Hunter has taken over all dealings with our landlord (actually her boyfriend) and they get along great.  I am amazed at how much relief this have given me.
  • My daughter and son-in-law arrive next week so we’ll have some beach days followed by my son’s graduation.  I’m excited to see everyone.
  • I have figured out a couple of extra income gigs that won’t bring in a ton of $$ but at least they will be fun.  I’ll start in June once we are settled.  Now is not the time to add too much to my plate.

The things that have me anxious:

  • Money — it’s always about money with me right now.  I have lots of debt and not too much income coming in for now.  I haven’t been able to confront my fears by sitting in front of the computer and calculating it all out.
  • My computer is about to take a gigantic crap which has lead me to having to buy a new one today (more debt ugh).  OK, I should be grateful that this laptop has survived 8 years with virtually no issues and I should be grateful that I qualified for an interest-free loan to buy the new one and the Hunter is paying for both my laptop and his new one.  We are going cheap– we don’t need to launch a rocket with our computers, so cheap is fine.  Yes, I researched and figured out what would work.
  • Job search is flat — and it’s my fault.  Actually I can’t say that.  I have to send my resume to someone.  I had a lunch with someone who is being recruited by the same firm recruiting me to set up an office in this area.  It’s interesting, and I like the guy, but why do I need this firm?  He has the same thoughts also.  I’m having a meeting next week with their recruiting partner who is coming to town.  I guess I should be grateful to my coach for the referral and to these folks for finding me interesting.

It really helps me to write this shit out because then I can sit back and say, “OK, Maggie, calm the fuck down.”  I have had some stinkin’ thinking this morning about how poorly I have managed my career and that once the Hunter’s career shifts into stable prosperity he is going to dump my fat ass, that my ass is fat and I need to get my shit together and STOP EATING.  Yeah, I am fighting the funk, but these are the things flying around on broomsticks in my brain.

mark-adriane-259950-unsplash

Photo by MARK ADRIANE on Unsplash

The Hunter & I

The Hunter and I are in a good place these days — I think.  When he left for his hunting trip, he ended up turning around and coming back a couple of hours later.  He realized that he left me with a lot of things to do and by delaying the trip by 48 hours, he would be able to lend a much-needed hand.  I was grateful.

His return meant we could both look at the rental that we ended up taking.  It meant that he could deal with our current landlord’s BF and man-2-man they could arrange a walk-thru without the bitchy ladies getting into a pissing match.  Sorry, I know that sounds misogynistic, but it’s true.  I can’t stand my landlord and even a simple text pisses me off.  I guess my immaturity is related partially to her communication style and also to my green-eyed jealousy and indignation that I’m forced to rent and this bitch owns the place free & clear and uses my rent money to take awesome vacations.  Grrr.  Yeah, I’m a brat, but at least I recognize it.

The Hunter and I have had a few brief conversations about my need to control situations — particularly when I’m stressed or feeling out of control.  It’s been a bit of a revelation for me, but I’m appreciating the insight.  I asked him to speak up when I start down that path and we settled on a word:  Chuleta which means pork chop in Spanish.  Weird, but it’s a funny word and noticeable.  He forgot about using it until I reminded him and now he’s back on track.

I asked him about his pot-smoking yesterday.  It was an interesting conversation because I asked him if he was smoking during the week.  He said, “What you want to know is if I’m doing what I said I would do”.  I said yes, but that he was evading the specific question I wanted answered.  We danced around that for a minute or two — he said, “chuleta!!”  We laughed and he said that he was only smoking on weekends except for his hunting trip and 4/20.  That’s when we talked about my controlling nature and I reminded him to use “chuleta” because I needed the hint.  Before this conversation, which was in the kitchen after breakfast, I thanked him for doing the dishes earlier.  I’m remembering to appreciate the positive things he does to make our life better.

We have a lot on our plates these days.  He got a lovely call from the IRS — a legit call because they didn’t have our current address.  He’s being audited for a tax return I helped him with.  No bueno.  Add that meeting to our May To Do list.

We are talking about our careers.  He is thinking about adding a part-time job to his current consulting gig.  I’m thinking about the changes a 9-5 gig in a real office will do to me.  For the record, I think it would be positive even though the rebel in me wants to run around without a schedule.  I think structure is vastly needed in my life.

I saw a picture of me from when the Hunter first met me.  It made me sad.  I was 30 pounds lighter.  I need to figure out my health situation, make a plan and stick to the plan, but I’m hesitant to add that to my plate.  More walking and healthy choices shall have to suffice for now.

For now, the Hunter and I are a study of domestic focus.  We have a garage sale, a move, a rental clean-up and more ahead of us.  We snuggle and have the occasional morning fuck, but the wild flames that consumed us in beginning are now smoldering embers.  I’m OK with that right now, but I wonder if the Hunter is.  When his buddy joined us for the garage sale and we were sitting under a tree talking shit, I saw the Hunter’s eyes light up as his buddy talked about a bisexual conquest.  When I asked him later if he was jealous, he scoffed.  Do I believe him?  Maybe.  I should take him at his word, but I also think I could do more, but then don’t we women always think we should be doing more?

 

jakob-owens-208989-unsplash.jpg

CHULETA!! Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Lots of Changes

May will be a month of many changes.  Robin starts her new job, my son graduates from college and will begin preparations to leave for a year in Asia, the Hunter & I are moving, the Hunter’s birthday will be at the end of the month.  There is a lot going on, so let’s break it down:

Family:   My son’s graduation is bringing a flurry of family activities.  Taz and her hubby will spend the week prior on a beach vacay in the area, so I plan on spending a couple of lazy days with them with my toes in the sand. Then we have graduation with my parents flying in, the Ex, etc.  The Hunter isn’t joining us at graduation.  I’m OK with that — him in close quarters with my Ex for 48 hours is probably not a good idea plus I’ll be busy with my parents.  Anyway, the first week of May will be filled with family.  My son is figuring out if his Asian job is locked in before deferring his fancy post-graduate spot.  I’m so proud of my stealth achiever.  I will be chaperoning my elderly parents through the grad weekend, but I’m looking forward to seeing them.  My dad’s been sad due to his brother’s rapidly failing health — I’m praying I don’t need to add a long-distant funeral to my May activities.

Home:  We found a place to rent and I navigated the corporate paperwork of an institutionally-owned place successfully.  Now we are just waiting for HOA approval, but nobody anticipates issues.  The HOA doesn’t have weight restrictions on pets, the institutional landlord only wanted a promise of weight, not proof, so we are off to the races.  The new place is smaller, we reduced our monthly rent by over 20% and it’s more conveniently located.  We are close to parks including a large dog park and I’m excited about it.  We are having another garage sale so I can continue to jettison stuff.  This feels good and we are both happy about all of it.

Work:  Maggie & Co is chugging along and is generating unexpected revenue from unanticipated sources.  Robin will begin her new job in the first week of May and her church has offered her a part-time job on weekends.  She sat down with a financial planner to draw up a budget and a plan to get her back on track.  We are having a celebratory lunch this week.  I’m relieved but sad.  I’m sad to lose my sidekick and partner-in-crime, but relieved because now I have room to maneuver my job situation more freely and I’m not worried about her lack of income.   Robin is grateful because I found her the job and gently shoved her down the path of stability at a time where her only goal was to get through a single day.  She is a good person and deserves all the success and stability this job can give her.  In this new job, I think she’ll find Hubby #2 or at least a Sugar Daddy who will dote on her.

Job Search:  Slow.  I had a good informational interview with a former colleague.  I need to follow up with him with a resume and stuff, but I’ve procrastinated.  That tells me that I’m not too serious about pursuing this, so I’m trying to pause and give myself some time to reflect on why.  I’ll write another post about that.  My business coach (who I owe $$ to because my credit card keeps getting declined!) has referred me to a company who wants to expand into my neck of the woods.  They seem like good people with a good plan, but it doesn’t excite me.  I would be doing what I’m doing for someone else and the added pressure of reporting to others, recruiting more team members and rapidly building a business in a profession where my passion has waned.  I am trying to get an interview with another company who desperately needs my skill set, but they have just named a new CEO and are looking for a CFO, so perhaps they aren’t ready.  I sent my resume and clever (but not too clever) cover letter to the CEO hidden inside a congratulations card.  Let’s hope SHE appreciates the ingenuity.

As for me, I am embracing May as the month of change.  The Hunter has continued to hold up his end of changes.  I’ll write about that as well, but this post is way long enough for now.

things-end-people-change-and-you-know-what-life-goes-25308976

I’m Alone Now

The Hunter just took off in his beat-up pickup for a week-long hunting trip.  It could be shorter, but it won’t be longer.  He kissed me and the Kracken good-bye and hit the road for a long, long ride to his hunting lease.  That leaves me alone with the Kracken.

I know he was feeling a little guilty when he insisted on taking me grocery shopping so I had some food while he was gone.  Good — he should feel a bit guilty because I will state for the record that his hunting is a bit selfish.  Having said that I will also say that he tries hard to incorporate me into the plans.  He asked me to go with him the morning after I had my meltdown — no way, I simply cannot take off to the woods right now.

I mentioned to him during a morning walk that this arrangement leaves me stuck at home, so as he was leaving, he left me some money to put the Kracken in Doggy Daycare if I want to slip away for a few days.  I’ll think about it.  I was pleased that he immediately offered that up, but I doubt I’ll have time for that.

Robin got the dream job.  I had introduced her to a company that was perfect for her.  It’s locally owned and the company’s rockstar told me they were looking for someone.  I knew immediately that Robin would be perfect.  I put everyone together and Robin survived a 4-person interview, an afternoon shadowing the rockstar and yesterday they formally presented her with a written offer that exceeded her expectations.  She is beyond thrilled.  I am beyond thrilled for her also.  She needs the stability of income, health insurance, etc.  I had coached her that no matter what they offered to graciously thank them and tell them she would let them know within 24 hours. This will give her time to digest it all.  She also got her start date which is about 4 weeks away.

These two events leave me alone — in different ways and with different timing, but I’ll be alone.  I’ll miss Robin. She is a steady, dependable person who has always cheered me on and gave me the comfort of having the semblance of a team.  She is a dear friend. I’m hoping that the Hunter’s recent distance wasn’t a relapse, but his cabin-fever to get to the woods.  I’ll write some more about that later, but for now, I’ve got a very busy week remaining in front of me, so I have to get going…..

 

jean-gerber-36734-unsplash

Photo by Jean Gerber on Unsplash

End of an Era

This week my little Lhaso Apso passed away.  Rather, I had to take him to the vet and be put to sleep.  Let’s talk about that first and then I’ll dig into my emotional shit relating to him.  He was diagnosed 1-1/2 years ago with a large lung tumor.  How he lived this long is anybody’s guess, but he continued on with some coughing, but for the most part he was status quo.  Dogs are resilient creatures — he didn’t know he was terminally ill, so he just continued being who he is.  May we all be able to do that…

Over the past two months his decline sped up.  He lost more weight, coughed a bit more, couldn’t jump up on the couch without help.  The end was coming.  The Hunter, who was never fond of him, felt bad for him and finally told me this week that it was time.  He told me that by delaying the inevitable,  I was pissing him off.  That woke me up because he was right.  I just wanted to avoid the whole situation.  The poor dog stopped eating and was sleeping most of the time — these were the necessary signs the vet told me about.   I promised to resolve it within 24 hours and I did with the Hunter by my side.

We went to the vet with the little guy wrapped up in a cozy blanket.  He had been snuggling with me quite a bit over the past couple of weeks, more than usual, so perhaps he knew his time was drawing to a close.  Anyway, the vet was a little busy because I was unexpected and they had some type of emergency.  This meant we had to sit in the waiting room for about 15 minutes.  No big deal until some friggin’ busybody walked in with her yappy dog.

She looks over at us and says, “Is your baby going to sleep?”  Are you fucking kidding me?  I should have snapped some reply of minding her own business, but I simply nodded.  This apparently granted her permission to launch into a whole monologue about putting her other dog to sleep a couple of months ago and her yappy dog’s current ailment.  Like I cared.  I stared at her in disbelief that she felt like she could drone on and on.  Staff was appalled and scooted us into a room as quickly as possible.  Too late.

Anyway, the process was quick and when we left, I blazed past her still in the waiting room with no words, no looks.

This dog was my mom’s dog.  Actually he was given to her by her dog boarding place because he had been taken away from his first owner who neglected him.  He was the perfect old lady dog — great companion, snuggled with you every time you sat down.  He loved a walk, got along with every dog he met and charmed every person.  At home, I always saw him as some little old Asian man that chose not to understand us when it was convenient for him.  He always pretty much did what he wanted.  The Hunter and I discovered that he was a phenomenal camper — he loved it and would chill in the hammock with me.  Stellar companion.

I promised my mom as she was dying that he would always have a home with me.  I fulfilled that promise and he ended up living with me longer than he did with her.  It struck me a bit hard because this was a living reminder of my mom and that is now gone.  He was the last responsibility of my old life — in the past two years my cat passed, then the horse and now him.  No more responsibilities (the Kracken doesn’t count since he is the Hunter’s).

My kids were lovely and sympathetic.  The Hunter was fabulous.  He went with me, held my hand, drove me home and got me my favorite pizza and fed me the best chocolate dessert in town but left me alone to mull it all over.

I feel free but also a bit adrift.  With the job search/change, moving homes, income worries — it is all a lot to process.  I talked to Taz this week about most of it and she was supportive and empathetic. She confessed that her hubby has some job uncertainty, so they are battening down the hatches and preparing for big changes as well.  They will be fine because they are attacking the issue head-on.  2018 is proving to be quite a year. Oh yeah, my uncle is in hospice and I’ll soon have a funeral to add to my schedule.  Let’s see in the next 8 weeks I will be:  finding a new place, packing and moving, going to my son’s graduation, the Hunter will be off hunting for a week, possible funeral, job search, work….. you might not be hearing much from me….

dog

Not him, but his doppelganger…RIP

Why Did We Break Up?

Let’s peek behind the curtain of my relationship with the Hunter and reveal some of the hidden truths (and some of the recent insights and changes that have taken place over the past several days since our break-up).

At the onset of our relationship, I had some niggling questions about the Hunters’ attraction to me. My lifestyle was a nice improvement for him. I did ask myself if this street savvy guy saw an opportunity to improve things with a lonely woman.

The answer at the time was I was OK with that. He wanted to take care of me and went out of his way to do so. I felt loved and taken care of, but over time the red flags began accumulating. I did not confront these head on and we have been discussing these issues more openly now. What, do you ask?

He’s not social. OK, I’m no social butterfly, but when we got together I was good about keeping my calendar mostly full with outings. We don’t’ really have the same interests and even though he didn’t care if I went out, I allowed my calendar to grow empty. That’s on me, I will take ownership of that.

His pot-smoking. I have written about this in the past, but a self-professed pothead is never going to have enough fire in the belly to achieve a decent success in his career. He likes a 30-hour work week. He doesn’t have a desire to push. He hasn’t felt pressure to make more substantive contributions to the house and I have been shouldering the burden alone.

This topic has been much more openly discussed over the past few days. He has apologized profusely and is taking immediate steps to correct this. He has stopped smoking pot and we are taking that one day at a time. I realize that it’s a very difficult habit to quit, but I am proud of him and relieved that he loves me enough to immediately stop. We both realize that we both may have drug tests in our future, so we need to have a very clean household.

He has apologized for being lazy (his words) and he is changing up his schedule so that he is more active in his work. Once I had the courage to open up and bare all my feelings about finances, work, etc., he has stepped up like a real man and has promised to contribute more. We talked about the balance of housework along with my frustration of being both the breadwinner and the major housekeeper.

The Kracken showed me his Red Flags of selfishness and failure to compromise. He had told me this would be a 45-lb dog. The Kracken is 85 lbs. That dog destroyed my patio furniture, shoes, living room sofas and the list goes on. We talked about his typical reaction to my entreaties of help around the house, dissatisfaction with our situation, the dog, etc. The Hunter has been doing what he wants to do with no apologies and little discussion. His typical reaction has been one of “that’s simply the way it is” and not discussing any form of compromise.

This Red Flag came up again as I explained I applied for a job out of state and he emphatically said he wouldn’t move with me and I was creating the end of our relationship with that type of move. I said that it was only an application, too soon to make that type of statement. He backtracked and we were able to talk about it along with sussing out his reactions when he doesn’t agree with something.

On my side, I compromised too much and too soon. I did not stand up for myself more. I did not open up to the Hunter about all the turmoil going on inside my head. Examples of over-compromising include: moving before he passed his 90-day probation; I let him move in too quickly – we probably should have considered dating more before that big a move and I agreed to that damn adorable puppy too soon.

I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m moody at times and I tend to keep my turmoil bottled up. In my childhood and marriage, showing my feelings only provided ammunition for my “loved ones” to use against me. I’m not much of an initiator when it comes to sex – I much prefer someone else to take the lead. I know that the Hunter has made some compromises when it comes to our sex life. He is too much of a gentleman to give specifics, but he has hinted at this. I know that if it becomes a deal breaker, he will let me know. We have discussed a couple of things that I am addressing on my side.

It’s time for me to really sit and think and be open about my feelings. The Hunter is a good man. He’s smart and perceptive. He has been nothing but loving and supportive as we unpack how our relationship fell off the rails and how we neglected it. We both have areas to improve upon. I’m glad I reached out to my therapist. I need her in my corner as I freak out, recover and move ahead. Today I feel like I’m headed in the right direction. Time will tell.

ty-williams-466945-unsplash

Words to Live by :: Photo by Ty Williams on Unsplash

Tag Cloud