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Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

Vision Board

I mentioned to the Hunter about my 2019 goal-setting ideas and before I could dive headlong into the topic, he asked, “Are you having your Vision Board Party?”

I came to a full stop.  Hmm, that’s a great idea.  I hadn’t really thought about it.  My Vision Board parties were a blast.  I had three over the past four years.  I let it peter out when I moved farther away from my close girlfriends, but now I’m closer so maybe it would work.  I only need 3-4 GF’s to show up to make it fun, so it’s an easy get-together to host.

Plus having a Vision Board party fits into virtually every category of my Enrichment project for 2019.  How?

  • In the area of Home, I want to get my home more livable with a new sofa and whatnot.  This would push my nesting goals into high gear for the month of January with a series of mini-projects to get party-ready.
  • In the area of friendships/relationships, I can invite my old friends whether they want to schlep over here or not plus I can invite more geographically-desirable acquaintances to the party and see how that works out.
  • In the areas of Work, Money & Health — well, a Vision Board is all about putting it in front of mind, so I’ll make sure I cover all the areas of my Enrichment Project on my actual Vision Board.

So Vision Board Party, here I come!  I will cast aside all doubts of my place not being perfect and welcome love and friendship to fill that space.  Now, I need to check dates because I’m thinking the last Sunday of January unless that’s the Super Bowl….

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Photo by Andy Art on Unsplash

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Once I Lost My Car Key

Facebook popped up a memory of mine from 8 years ago.  I had posted “I have somewhere lost my car key and I have looked EVERYWHERE!  I think my pets are messing with me.  It’s got to be in my house, but where??”

This ended up being one of those situations that confirmed that my marriage was shit and I needed to get out.  In the end I had the last laugh, but I wasn’t  laughing during the search.  Settle back and enjoy another one of Maggie’s stories:

On New Years Day 8 years ago, we spent the day on a friend’s boat.  Our boys were BFF and they invited us to a day of boating.  It was lovely.  The marina was really close to my house, so I didn’t take a purse and had a small beach tote for the boat.  I took my car key off the key ring and it was secured in my tote.  Obviously I had it when we arrived home because it was used to start the car.

The next morning I needed to drive somewhere and I couldn’t find my car key.  I made it to the appointment using a different vehicle but returned home where a full-scale search began.  I searched EVERYWHERE.  Outside, inside — you name it.  I offered a $100 bounty to my housekeeper who turned the house inside out.  No key.

I went to the dealer and a new key would cost $250.  They told me to keep looking before spending the dough.  That was good advice. I was worried I would lose the only key I had and then I would really be up shit’s creek.

I was using my Ex’s copy of the key and he lost no opportunity to berate me for being careless at losing the key.  He repeatedly reminded me how I had lost the key to his SUV a couple of years ago and how I lost everything.  Yada yada yada.  For the record, I rarely lose or misplace anything.  He just loved having the opportunity to belittle me.

10 days go by and I am rapidly losing hope of ever finding that damn key.  Then I get a text from my son who is at school.  “I found your key”.  Hallelujah!!  I quickly text him back saying how happy I am, etc. and then I asked him where he found it.  It was in his backpack.  Our car keys look similar and on that fateful boating day, he picked it off the vestibule table thinking it was his….  I told him that I was very thankful still, but he was not going to get my $100 bounty.

My Ex now had no current event to bash me with, but he continued to remind me that I had lost his car key, so I was still sloppy and stupid about losing things in his mind.  But Karma, she was with me…

Two weeks later I get a phone call at work from him.  He leads with “You are going to kill me…”  He found his missing car key in one of his briefcases.  Apparently two years ago, he used my extra car key for some logistical situation involving car maintenance or something.  He had forgotten not only to return the key to me but he also forgot he had it.  Asshole.  He was always forgetting where he put things (like his wallet which he lost twice in our years together only to find it months later in some random spot).

That whole episode where I got no support from him and just derision was another nail in the coffin of our marriage.  Good riddance.  Today in my gratitude thoughts I will be thankful that I have ended such a toxic relationship.  And that I know where my car keys are at all times now ……

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Photo by Daryn Stumbaugh on Unsplash

Enrichment

I always like to have a plan, a list — something that gives me a sense of direction.  I love a grocery list, packing list, To Do list (although it might not all get done), Business Plan — I enjoy the brain dump and then checking stuff off as it gets done.  A new year is prime time for me and my lists, but this year I want to keep it simple.

I have been re-reading/browsing through some of my favorite business/self-help books.  I haven’t felt like really digging deep into any of them, but it does help me think about my 2019 Goals.  This year, as I have written previously, I am keeping it simple:

  • Financial Security:  make enough $$ to pay off all my debts and start some significant savings.  $200K will suffice, thank you very much.
  • Make 3 New Friends: Make some new girlfriends that I can hang out with and enjoy.  The book, MFF Seeking BFF, really resonated with me.  Friendships will only help to improve my mental health.  I realize that I need to have a plan for this, so I’m working that into my Daily Habits.
  • Get my Living Quarters Functional so said friends can visit me without me cringing.  I need a sofa.  I am determined to get one in January come hell or high water.  The Hunter is in agreement and he gave me a lovely massage and the $$ for the new sofa.  Yippee!!
  • New Job that has the collaborative environment that I have been craving.  That is in the works.

My word for the year is ENRICHMENT.  I want to enrich my work, my bank account (LOL), my home, my friendships and relationships and my health.  It’s going to be fun because these categories can intertwine.  I’ll be blogging about how I am enriching my life because where else can I track all of this?

One of my first enrichment projects….knitting.  I need to do something productive when I want to watch TV or listen to a podcast.  Perhaps knitting will do the trick.  I use to do cross-stitch, and knitting is suppose to be easier than crocheting.  There is a store near me that teaches it.  Knitting in Florida — I am kind of wacky aren’t I?  Maybe they have a pattern for a beach towel…..

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Photo by Merylove Crafts on Unsplash

It’s Gone Forever

Last week I lost a necklace that my mom had given me.  It was a small necklace but I loved it because she had the same one which I gave to Taz when my mom passed.  I loved the idea that we both had the same necklace which was designed to represent 3 somethings (peace, love and strength — damn, I can’t even remember the 3 somethings).  Anyway, it was dainty and I loved it and Taz loved hers.  Both of us wore them all the time. Then I lost mine.

I don’t know what happened.  I was wearing it and then I wasn’t.  I had a selfie snapped with Santa and it was on.  I arrived at a party and it wasn’t.  Dammit.  I re-traced my steps, checked the grass, the car, my clothing.  I left my contact information at the two grocery stores I had stopped at.  You name it.  No necklace.  I was bummed.  I’m still bummed.  I loved that necklace.

I rarely lose things or break things, so when I do, I feel a very strong sense of loss.  Taz and I talked about that once.  She had a really nice glass vase that had been her grandmother’s and her hubby accidentally broke it.  She was so pissed at him.  Furious.  She said it’s the sentimental loss that hurts so much.  It’s the fact that a piece of her history is now lost.  That’s what I’m feeling.

I’ve been pondering what to do with the loss of this necklace.  How to mitigate the sense of loss I’m feeling.  I still have a lot of her old jewelry.  Taz and I had gone through it and divvied up some pieces.  I’m happy because Taz has some of my favorite pieces.  She loves them and uses them regularly.  She has a ring that looks strikingly like Princess Diana’s engagement ring.  I have loved that ring my entire life, but never wore it (too small).  My mom gave it to Taz one Christmas.  I was so happy because Taz cherishes and wears it often for special occasions.

I had inherited two Rolex watches when my mom passed.  I hated those watches because they symbolized some shitty stuff to me.  But they are nice and expensive, so I gave these watches to my kids when they graduated from college.  They love them.  My daughter wears hers regularly for special events.  My son isn’t a Rolex kind of guy, so I told him it was his to use or sell as  he saw fit.  He has chosen to keep it.  Not to wear it for now, but keep it.  While he is in Asia, the watch is with me for safe keeping.  He likes that he and his sister have matching watches with a history.  I’m happy that the shitty memories of those watches are fading as I watch my kids enjoy them and create new memories.

I pondered on what to do to deal with the loss of the necklace.  Then I remembered that my mom had another small necklace in her collection.  It’s a shark on a gold chain.  I never understood why my evil stepfather had given her a shark necklace, but she wore it all the time.

As I thought about what I need to do in 2019 to fix my professional life and my financial situation, I decided that her shark necklace will be my talisman.  I plan on wearing this necklace every chance I get so it will remind me to be a shark, perhaps a somewhat benign nurse shark, but a shark nonetheless.  Constantly in motion, sometimes in a group, but always looking out for itself first.  2019 the year of the shark here I come.

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My necklace isn’t this fierce, but you get the point.

Where’s the Mojo?

It is hard to keep your mojo up and going.  Last week I had a migraine that lasted for days.  It would fade and then rebound, fade and rebound.  Miserable.  I haven’t slept well and have been staying up WAYYYY tooo late (2 am to 3 am anyone?).  I need to resolve this and I think the cure is exercise, which has been sadly lacking of late.

Work is winding down for the holidays but I still have things to get done before everybody shuts down.  Plus I need to make my 15 minutes of calls and today I haven’t picked up the phone yet.  I’m weighing the options of letting it go this week, then it would be next week and suddenly with the holidays I’ll be three weeks of no calls.  That’s not acceptable.  Dammit.  I have to pick up the damn phone at least through Wednesday this week.

Taz couldn’t make it down for the reunion weekend, so I felt a huge burden off my shoulders.  I have cyber shopped everyone’s gifts and I just need to return her too expensive present (unless I keep it for myself…..).  All my gift angst is resolved thankfully.

Then we have the Hunter in full holiday anxiety mode.  I woke up Friday morning with him packing his stuff and heading out to the woods.  I had my son to get off to his GF’s graduation and I wanted to enjoy the few hours we had that morning.  I couldn’t really download what was up with the Hunter.  Between my son and a very important conference call, I didn’t have time to really sit down to talk to him.

I had planned on joining him over the weekend but then the weather shifted.  I didn’t feel like driving 1-1/2 hours to camp in the rain.  I had a lovely marathon of Netflix, HBO and Amazon Prime instead.  The Hunter had his escape and I had mine.

He returned yesterday for NFL football and a few supplies.   I was at a girls Christmas brunch.   He left around noon today and won’t be back until possibly after Christmas.  He has asked me to join him.  We have more rain in the forecast, so I need to monitor that before confirming my arrival.  Another idea is for him to return, re-supply, leave his truck and we both take off on a road trip of unknown destinations.  I’m OK with that because I don’t have any better ideas for Christmas.

He is simply full of anxiety.  It oozes from him.  I don’t know what to do with him and my migraine wasn’t allowing me to do more than veg.  I think that in addition to holiday anxiety, he is anxious about his work or lack of work situation.  I asked him about his idea of getting a part-time job and he danced around that saying, “If the right job comes my way”.  All of a sudden he’s gone passive on that front which is never a good thing.  Sigh.

I love the man and want him to be happy, but we all know that happiness comes from within.  Hopefully the woods and the Kracken will work their magic on him.  I know he goes out there and gets high as a kite on beer & pot so he can numb himself.  It makes me sad that I can’t help him more.

Now I have to stop procrastinating and go make my 15 minutes of calls.  Then I have to go to my Ex’s for my son’s farewell gathering.  THAT will be something worth writing about!

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Photo by DR. Alexandru STAVRICĂ on Unsplash

Bah Humbug

Yesterday I planned to spend the whole day knocking out my Christmas shopping.  I put on a cute outfit, comfortable shoes with a small purse.  I was happily ready for action!  It ended up being a day of complete frustration and anxiety.  Good grief.  I usually enjoy it as much as it can be enjoyed.

First I went to a big department store known for coupons where I have a credit card with a zero balance.  “Ah ha!”,  I thought, “even though it’s not the best money management idea, I can do the bulk of my shopping here and pay it off in January when my sizable check arrives.”

The credit gods were not having it.  I bought a purse for Taz that was WAY too much money, mainly because the actual designer from London was there and we had a lovely chat, so how do you walk away?  I didn’t have it in me and beside the purse was cunningly beautiful.  At that moment, I thought, “hey, this is manageable, because I’m using my credit card.”  But then after 30 minutes, a manager, two calls to the credit department, more attempts than I can count, we all gave up in frustration, so I paid cash with a debit card.  Fuck, not on the plan.

I sat down in the mall and recalled that I have a credit card with actual ample credit available.  I called it to confirm via the automated system and yes, I’m right.  It’s fine.  So I reluctantly said, “OK, here’s my plan B.”

I left the mall and went to one that has more affordable stores, walked in to make a $20 purchase with said card and the credit gods said, “nope, not happening” and declined it.

Fuck, what is going on.  In the midst of this incredibly frustrating day, I have the Hunter calling and texting me from his hunting camp where he is sitting on the porch with the Kracken on a day filled with freezing rain.  Needless to say he’s bored.  I have my hands full both literally and figuratively, so I’m frustrated with all the communication.  He’s saying that he’s cancelling another hunting trip he’s been looking forward to so he can help more.  He’s offering all the money in his bank account.  He’s asking me to check the mail (that was before he realized how frazzled I was).

Don’t get me wrong.  I appreciate it all because I know it comes from a place of love.  I really do.  I’m just really frustrated with my situation.  It just really hurts that I basically have no money to buy gifts for loved ones.  OK, I do have money, but the gifts will be inconsequential this year.  Except for Taz’s purse.  I’m torn between keeping it and returning it.  It is beautiful and I saw nothing like it elsewhere.  I’m still thinking about it.

I decided that today I will wrap up any remaining shopping online.  That includes some citrus orders and the Hunter’s gift.  What a frustrating day, but I ended it my way.

I came home, made a beautiful dinner of grass-fed steak (previous purchase and I found it hidden in the freezer the day before), stir-fry veggies and brown rice.  Add in two glasses of wine and an entire container of gelato and I ate my anxiety.  Then I went upstairs and had a lovely soak complete with tooth whitening & facial mask.  At Target, I found a bath salt bomb called “F Bomb”.  Yep, just what I needed.

Add in some loving and understanding phone calls from the Hunter and I’m OK.  Not 100% happy and a bit anxious about how this will all work out, but I’m OK.

Truth be told, part of my anxiety is stemming from how our place will present to the kids this week.  I mean I’m a 54-year-old woman with no living room furniture — only a day bed and a chewed up chair with crappy cushions.  This is not going to play well with the kids, but whatever.  Plus the backyard which I really wanted to be a zen den is dirty and a bit messy.  Once again, not what I wanted to present to the kids.

Perhaps I need to lower my expectations, but I don’t want to freak out my kids.   Maybe they won’t be freaked out, but this isn’t the mom they grew up with and Taz at least has a nicer place than me right now.   I don’t know.  I just don’t have the answers right now.  It’s 8:30 am on a Sunday morning and I’m in my pj’s, no coffee yet, just a burning desire to get this written down so I can re-read it later.  I think coffee will help.  Coffee and a day outside so I can breathe.

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Photo by Dieter de Vroomen on Unsplash

How About Some F*@king Gratitude?

Argh!  Where is my patience today?!  I have been testy all day.  The Hunter needed some logistical help with dropping off his truck at the mechanic and I snarled as I had to wait an extra 10 minutes.  I was testy when our walk got cut short, when I had to help him with some paperwork and THEN I was snippy when I lost a project.  It hasn’t been a day of rainbows and sparkles.  Poor guy, he’s walking on egg shells.

It could be worse.  I need to think about how lucky I am for all that I have.  My father didn’t kill himself the day before Thanksgiving like a former coworker is dealing with.  She’s a wonderful person and her relationship with her dad was fraught, but my heart goes out to her.  He was in his 80’s.

My day is much better than another person who I found out killed herself several years ago.  She was a very talented vendor, but during the recession she was laid off, then her husband divorced her and I guess it was just all too much for her.  I only found out about this last week.  My heart ached for her.  The last time I saw her was when I was out with a friend at a super trendy restaurant.  We were trying to weasel our way in and the maitre d’ wasn’t having it.  Then I saw her and she was with a girlfriend.  Her girlfriend pulled the right strings and 5 minutes later we had the best seat in the house.  They loved having our company and a splendid time was had by all.  I am happy that was my last memory of her, but also sad that it is the last one.

My day is better than the client I met last week who had several cars stolen from their parking lot.  His car was one of them.

My day is better than many, many other people.  I need to remember this.  Now, let me go give the Hunter a hug and tell him I love him.  I am grateful that he’s in my life.  I have to remember that.

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Photo by gabrielle cole on Unsplash

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