"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

He’s Back!

My son is home safe and sound, but he is visiting for less than a week.  He is literally passing through to pick up his stuff and head off to grad school.

He is staying with his dad, which is fine with me.  His dad is living with his GF, now fiancee, in a large house (even larger than what we had when we were married).  My son will be more comfortable there because at least he won’t be sleeping on a camping cot.

But his dad is once again trying to plan everything and those plans don’t include me.  It leaves my son stuck in the middle.  Nobody handles any of this with any finesse and my feelings got hurt. Ugh.  That’s the short, non-ranting version.  But I don’t write this blog to spare readers from my rant, so here goes.

I had made arrangements to have my son’s car taken to a repair shop that is owned by a friend of the Hunter.  This way the car could be thoroughly inspected before my son embarks on his long trek to school.  That repair shop is very close to where my Ex lives.  I set it up so my son could pick up the car a day or two after he arrives.

My son arrived late at night, so I didn’t go the airport thinking we could all get together for lunch the next day.  I had even texted that to his dad.  Somehow that all seemed to go sideways for a spell.  My Ex wanted to take him to do fun activities and things that didn’t include me.

It finally got straightened out, as I sat at the mechanic’s getting new tires.  My son really needs to manage both of us better.  Now I have to wait about 48 hours before I see him again.  I hate taking turns.  I hate when my Ex tries to monopolize him.  I feel like a second-class parent.  My son needs to be more assertive with his dad.  I know he just landed and what not, but really?  There were going to be no plans for me to see him the first day he returned from a YEAR away?

It all sorted itself out and the three of us grabbed a quick lunch.  I got to hear some about my son’s most recent adventures.  I heard recent news of the Ex and his family.  I just have to take a deep breath and relax.  My poor son is dealing with jet lag, culture shock and two very demanding parents.  OK, OK, I get it….grudgingly.

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My Son is the rope in this Tug-of-War…LOL    Photo by Darinka Kievskaya on Unsplash

 

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Changes Abound

I have been meaning to write about the upcoming changes that will be occurring in the next two months. I have found a new place that I absolutely love and have passed the application phase, so I am just waiting for my lease.  I can walk to a bunch of stores including Target. I am 10-15 minutes from my beloved beach and only 15 minutes from work.

I have been busily figuring out what will fit and what won’t. I am incredibly excited about the place.

Then we have the Hunter.  I truly have mixed feelings.  I want him in my life, but I don’t want to live with him.  Does this make sense?  I want to have my own space, my own free time.  He snorts and says I just want his “pinga”.  Maybe, but I also enjoy the intimacy of having someone to chat with and share day-to-day stuff with.

However, I am so over living with him and the Kracken.  Both are messy.  Both destroy my belongings.  I want to cook certain things and he doesn’t like those things.  He keeps crap in the refrigerator and freezer that I don’t like and we should just toss out anyway.  When I am home in the evening, we don’t really spend time together.  I scrounge up something to eat and he sits outside all evening smoking a cigar.  I live in a place where I would never invite anyone over because it’s a mess and has no sofa or seating for guests.

Having said all that, the Hunter treats me with respect always.

But I can’t afford the place where we live.  I can’t afford to be the primary breadwinner, nor do I want to.  It has been four years and I am still the primary breadwinner and by a long shot.  The lease and utilities are in my name.  Over the four years, if I add up the direct $$ I have given him, the things I have bought him (clothes, laptop, 2 cell phones, etc.), the furniture & other things he and the Kracken have destroyed, I am over $40,000 over the past four years.  Probably closer to $60,000.  I am not as generous and giving person as I like to think I am because I am a bit resentful about that.  A smidgen.

Yes, he has made a promise to pay me back about 25% of that and he is paying me for the work I am doing for him now.  But….I am broke and I need to get my financial house back in order first and foremost.  I am 55 years old and I need to be focused on retirement planning, not debt reduction.  I have $40,000 of debt between the IRS and credit cards.  Add in my car and we are over $50K.  I can’t live with that weight on my shoulders.  I don’t want to.

I have a plan and with the little bit of income Maggie & Co. has generated, I should be able to put the debt behind me by the end of 2020.  I’ll explain more about that in another post.

I imagine waking up in my new, cozy apartment designed by me, for me and I am so excited.  Yes, I will need to buy a few things, but these will be frugal purchases.  Space will be limited because my grandmother’s dining table is taking up some valuable real estate, but the buffet will become my TV stand and the corner china cabinet is too adorable to say good-bye.  I have been laying things out on a scaled plan and it looks like a roomy love seat may be my best option.  That’s fine with me.

I am ready for my next chapter.  But first I have quite a bit to do:  get my son back from Asia and off to school inside of a week; help the Hunter launch his new, lucrative consulting gig and pack.  Lots of packing.  All of this has to happen in about 45 days.  Wish me luck.  You probably won’t hear much from me until I get to the other side…

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Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

I’m Boring

I haven’t been posting much because, quite honestly, I am boring.  Here’s my life right now:

  • Up at 6:00 (been hitting that old snooze button, so no more 5:30 awakening)
  • Leave the house by 7:00 which puts me at work right at 8:00
  • Work, work, work
  • I bring my lunch most days unless somebody else is buying.  Yep, I’m that cheap now.
  • Drive home for an hour.
  • Arrive tuckered out around 6:30 or 7, so I change clothes, wash my face and plop down.
  • Eat something, watch a little TV and try to climb into bed by 9:30.
  • Sleep at 10:00.
  • Repeat

My weekends aren’t any better.  The Hunter has won a big contract.  It’s really big, so he needs me for the admin work necessary to get it started.  I put in about 10-12 hours over the weekend trying to tame this behemoth.  I have another month or so of this.  Don’t worry, he’s paying me generously for my time.  I take those $$ and give them to the IRS.

I am not exercising — I know, this is not good.  I was getting up early to run/jog around the neighborhood a couple of laps, but 5:30 has been slipping away.  I need to re-start that.  It is so healthy for me in so many ways.

I joined a weight loss challenge at work.  I am pretty sure I will be the sucker that loses the $20 investment.  Meh, I need the competition and accountability I tell myself.

I am looking at some new places to live.  I haven’t found The One, but we haven’t seen that much yet.  It did feel me with a bit of angst that I will be so far away from the Hunter.  He is a security blanket, but I also still really want my freedom.  What a conundrum, but that is a post for another day.  For now, I’m just boring…..

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Photo by Hutomo Abrianto on Unsplash

I’m Chugging Along

Life has been chugging along without any awful drama.  Work is great.  I’ve been there for 3 paydays and another one is coming up this Friday.  Some of my Maggie & Co. business has taken some wicked turns that would have left me gasping in panic if I had continued.  I thank my lucky stars, Karma, God, whatever you want to call it, every day.

I tried joining a gym to exercise in the morning before work and shower at the gym.  I hated the showering part, so I’m cutting my losses by cancelling the membership.  Instead I will just run around my neighborhood several times for 20+ minutes in the morning.  It’s dark, but my neighborhood is lit up like it’s daylight and I feel comfortable doing that.

The Hunter and I took an amazing road trip over July 4th.  It deserves its own post.  Suffice it to say, we had a fabulous time.

I want to write about how I am feeling about the pending move and all the upcoming changes.  It’s daunting.  Tomorrow I go to look at places in the new town for the first time.  I have someone from work helping me.  She is a realtor and does most of the company’s relocations.  She is super nice and I see our friendship continuing (hopefully) after this.

I have no complaints other than the drive is tiring.  Two hours of highway driving every day does wear me down, but at least traffic flows.  I am preparing for a very frugal life once I move.  The Hunter and I have struck a deal that will be my side hustle going forward.  He is winning a new piece of business that will be substantial.  I am so proud of him.

Anyway, I am alive.  I am fat and happy.  I figure the fat will solve itself once I get settled.  Both kids are doing great and my son returns from Asia in about four weeks.  I can’t wait to see him.  He will be packing up and heading off to grad school shortly upon his return, but at least we will once again be in the same time zone.

My oh my am I relieved that I have come out the other side?? Abso-fucking-lutely.  Now I have to help my BFF get there.  She is in her valley of despair.  Fortunately she says that I give her hope.

Anyway, let me get some rest.  My 5:30 am wake up and jog will be here before I know it.

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Photo by Pedro Lastra on Unsplash

I Was Sick

Ugh, like the new kid at school, I caught a cold and was a snuffly, cranky mess for the week.

Colds run a predictable pattern with me:  days of sore throat followed by hacky cough.  Next is a crescendo of runny nose, sneezing and general germy  demeanor that halts people in their track from approaching me.  The cold fades with sneezing, some strong coughing and snot.  Lots of snot.

I’m cranky when I have a cold.  Leave me the f*#k alone.  The Hunter walks on egg shells because his natural inclination is to hover and cuddle and nurse.  I hate that.  Seriously, it could be anyone trying to do that and I’ll bite their head off.  Just hand me a Coke, some DayQuil or NightQuil depending on the time of day, a box of tissues and the remote.  Retreat.  By the end I’ll want food, but otherwise, do not acknowledge my existence.  Thank you.

The Hunter thought he was sexy and adorable telling me he can’t wait to get me in the sack and ravage me.  My nose is red and runny, I’m coughing/sneezing/blowing my nose. I’m exhausted from a week of commuting 2 hours round trip and a long day.   Really?  Sex is the last thing on my mind.  Snuggling is not an option.  Read my above statements.  Ugh.  Seriously?  I just want sleep, lots of sleep, and the remote.

I know I sound ungrateful, however, I think sick folks (meaning not seriously ill, just minor maladies) fall into two categories:  1) ignore me and 2) nurse me back to health.  I am the former and the Hunter is the latter.  I guess part of my problem is that I want to be ignored because my history involved having people that always wanted something from me, even when I was sick.  “What are you making for dinner?”  “Where is ____?”  “Can you take me here, there or yonder?”  “How long are you going to sit on the couch?”  Yeah, being sick in my previous life was not an option.

Now I revel in the glory that if I want to sit my ass on the couch all weekend to read books and watch movies, I can.  Add in a rainy day and you’ll lucky if I say four words.

Today I’m feeling human.  I’m about to jump in the shower and clean all my cold germs off me.  It’s a catch up day of paperwork for Maggie & Co plus my personal bills and what not.  It’s not sexy day.  I’m not feeling it.  I feel lucky to feel simply human right now.  Now, how do I reject him without hurting his feelings?  I have no idea, but I better think of something because he’ll be home in a few hours….

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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

My Beach Read

My beach read for my recent trip was “The Naked Truth” by Leslie Morgan.  That damn bitch wrote my book.  Actually she wrote the Hollywood version of my book.

She’s doing the newly divorced 50ish woman re-discovering her sexuality with a flair that only privileged white women can do.  That’s my snarky side peeking out.

Leslie is a beautiful, fit, successful writer with two homes.  That hussy was living the dream — my dream — in her memoir.  OK, enough of my green-eyed monster.  Give me a minute and let me tuck my monster away….

OK, I’m back.  Leslie was right on point.  Her pain, her honesty, her humor but mostly her blinding candor made this book a great read for me.  It reminds me that women in our 50’s with an empty (or nearly empty) nest really need to spend some time discovering and uncovering ourselves (pun intended).

No spoilers.  If you have a chance to grab the book, you’ll spend some time with someone who automatically feels like a friend.  Here are some of my favorite quotes – no spoilers, I promise.

“I was crazy about men now the way Lyon had loved each of his high school hookups.  Including me.  Each of the men in my life was a chip of self-worth, helping me rebuild myself”

“Ever ask yourself what are you really looking for, honey?  Sometimes it seems like you’re willing to pay an awfully steep price in order to feel loved.  That’s what you always say about your first marriage — that the definition of an abuse victim is someone who pays too high a ransom in exchange for love.”    This one hit home for me.

Sara (this is her therapist) had warned me to be careful.  She cautioned that the first serious relationship following a divorce can be more intense than the marriage itself, because after a divorce, you are raw and broken and filled with hope that the next time, you’re going to find lasting love to make up for the love you lost.”  Damn, did that ring true.

“You know it sounds to me like Jake (her boyfriend) is your burn ointment.  Your sexual healing after years of Marty’s (her Ex) sabotage.  But that doesn’t mean he’s your soul mate.  Each man you date now is a building block for your self-esteem.  Not the foundation.  Don’t confuse the two.”  Damn, I need her therapist.  That woman is worth her weight in gold.

“Withholding emotion is a form of manipulation.”  Yeah, I may be guilty of this…

“Part of this journey was, obviously, that I had to learn and re-learn that the way I allowed men to treat me was up to me, and only me. I had to thread a particularly challenging needle:  to find validation from men in my life without completely giving myself over to them.”  Yep, still working on that.

“You grew up in an alcoholic home.  Fundamentally, this means that the people who loved you, who were supposed to take care of you, didn’t protect you.  It’s why you are so independent, and yet paradoxically susceptible to abuse and manipulation by those closest to you.”   This was a biggie for me.  My family wasn’t necessarily an alcoholic home, but it was dysfunctional.  Something to ponder further.

Anyway, buy Leslie’s book.  We divorced nymphomaniacs need to stick together.

Naked Truth

Family, Recharge, Nature

I spent Memorial Day weekend at the beachside town I have been visiting with my family for over 28 years.  It was my first overnight visit in over 5 years.  My first post-divorce stay.

My Ex began coming back to this town about 1-2 years ago.  I was glad he did.  He has been visiting with his fiancee and our son.  It holds special memories for all of us.  To put it in perspective, this is where I have told my kids to sprinkle my ashes when I’m gone.

I was the third wheel with my girlfriend and her husband.  They had never vacationed here, so I was able to provide some tour guiding assistance.  I was careful not to be too pushy with my advice and let them suss out what they wanted to do.

I was so happy to drive up by myself.  I brought my bike and pedaled around a couple of times.  We hit some of my favorite spots for dinner, but not all of them.  They are low-key, so we didn’t hit the busy places or the bars.  I would have enjoyed an evening of live music and drinks, but that didn’t happen.

The weather was perfect.  Our beach house was ideal for the three of us and their dog.  I spent my days walking, biking — busy and I felt really good the entire trip.

This place brings back happy memories.  My Ex and I rarely fought here.  It was a place of peace.  As my blog title explains, this place has always been about Family, Recharging and Nature — the beach is breathtaking.  My drive up and back was relaxing.  I stopped at a waterfront restaurant and enjoyed an amazing view and a delicious meal.  My friends were chill and fun.  My room was cozy.

I spent a weekend completely at peace.  The Hunter fucked me silly before I left.  I wish I had taken my vibe, but that’s OK.  The walls might be a little too thin for that.  LOL.

The weekend was the perfect buffer between ending Maggie & Co. and starting my new job.  I had a full day at home to shop and cook before starting my new job.  I felt fully prepared and eager to get going.

As I sat on the beautiful beach, I prayed, “May God grace me yet again with the opportunity to correct my mistakes and begin again.” Then I enjoyed a walk down the beautiful beach.  I was already in heaven….

Beach Selfie

Beach Selfie

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