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Vacation Thoughts

Here I sit in bed on vacation. Is it a vacation? I could say perhaps no — merely a round of visits to family. I had a migraine today that left me a bit under the weather for the most part. I did rally for lunch & a bit of shopping that left me wiped out. I got some excedrine migraine which is truly a miracle drug and now I feel much better but due to the high amounts of caffeine unable to sleep.

I’m restless. I feel like I’m not getting the vacation I wanted. I envisioned walks in the woods communing with nature, writing in my journal/blog, thinking of my life (personal & professional), planning, reading – just days of quiet reflective time. It ain’t happening.

My parents are great and thrilled to have me visit. I am having a lovely time with them, but it’s not what I envisioned. It’s OK. I’ll have some alone time soon when the Hunter takes off to his hunting lease for 10-14 days.

I should have packed my vibrator. Both my parents are hard of hearing…

I haven’t disconnected from work as much as I wanted, but that’s OK to a certain extent. I haven’t turned off my phone or my social media. Not so good.

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Now, five days later, here I sit at a rest stop as I finish my drive to home and I realize that my vacation was a great success. I listened to three great books on tape as I drove, read one book and most importantly perhaps I reconnected with the members of my family that I love the most.

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When I returned home last night, the Hunter greeted me with a very clean house, a lovely dinner and then he fucked me really good twice.  What a great way to come home.

I had thought the month of September was a big loss due to interruptions from Hurricane Irma and Labor Day, but I was wrong. It was actually a great success because I was able to spend time with Taz, my parents, and my son. What more can I ask? It was great quality time too and I have nothing but love in my heart for all of them. It was great to reconnect with all of them. I am a very, very lucky woman and I was blessed to be able to have this time and freedom to go visit with everybody. The Hunter has been nothing but supportive of these visits and I’ll have more quiet time when he heads up to his hunting lease in two weeks. All is well.

It was a great vacation after all and I’m ready to get back to work this week.

 

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Taz Reunion

I really needed last weekend in the Big Apple with Taz.  Our agenda:  nothing.  We hit the Highline because I hadn’t seen it, we had mani/pedis, we ate great food, we drank a lot of champagne, we watched movies and we talked — a lot.  It was delightful.

Her new place is great and has a wonderful rooftop terrace that overlooks the Empire State Building.  I was comfy and cozy.  Her Hubby was out-of-town having a guys weekend with an old friend, so we had the place to ourselves.

Taz has settled down.  The insanity of 2016 with the wedding, interviews for residency, graduation, moving and the million other things are behind her.  Now it is the insane daily grind of a high-profile residency program, but she is learning how to manage it.  Her temper is cooler, her voice of reason has reappeared and we spent the entire weekend without her snapping at me once.  I think that is a first in about 4 years.

She is also becoming a very wise, insightful woman.  She told me of the plans she and Hubby are making for their life.  They share all their hopes and dreams with one another, fully support the career and other goals of each other — it is a wonderful relationship.  They are both very blessed to have found each other.  I am so incredibly happy for them.

Taz also touched my tender heart.  She told me that she appreciates how much I have sacrificed for others over the years.  She gets it and she thanked me.  She also understands why I adore the Hunter.  Taz explained, “when you told me he grocery shops and cooks for you, I totally understood the attraction.  You finally have someone who wants to take care of you.  I am so happy for you.”

We also laughed about one of her insights.  Our attachments to certain things.  I told the story of my meltdown over my shoe graveyard one Sunday.  She completely understood.  We have a quirky attachment to our stuff.  We don’t want others to break it or damage it because that just pisses us off immensely.  She had an example of a crystal vase that had been in the family for forever (I got stuck with a bunch of crystal vases over the years so I have no idea if it was a wedding gift of mine, my mom’s or MIL).  Anyway, Hubby broke it by accident.  She got pissed.  Really pissed.  He didn’t quite understand her anger.  We commiserated that a fucking photo doesn’t do justice to the item.  We want to hold it, see it.  We talked about how my move from my adorable townhouse to my new locale was a big sacrifice in some ways for me.  How I need to get back to having an adorable place that I love.  It does feed my soul.

Anyway, it was fabulous.  I gotta run because I’m packing for my road trip and leave tomorrow.  I’ll write some more while I’m away….I think…..

I Definitely Need a Break

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I needed to sleep because I was up before dawn to catch my flight.  I laid in bed listening to the Hunter’s deep, relaxed breathing.  He was sleeping that great rest that comes from a day of hard, honest work.

I, on the otherhand, laid in bed with my eyes wide open in the dark. I thought about my taxes – they aren’t done.  Not only do I need to do them, but I have to come up with the $$ to pay my awesome accountant AND to pay the taxman.  He cometh whether I’m ready or not.  My plans to tuck money aside fell by the wayside as I scramble to pay my day-2-day expenses.  Then my anxiety creept to other money issues, my need to push business development and thoughts of success versus failure. Then I got anxious about getting from the airport to Taz’s apartment.  That’s when I thought, “WTF, I love to travel and that should be a cinch”.  Then I realized that my anxiety may be more of a problem than I thought.

I need to do some research and reading on anxiety.  

I have been thinking about success and failure quite a bit lately.  I run amongst a crowd of very successful people.  They have multiple investments/side hustles that generate additional income.  Multiple homes, expensive cars, amazing trips — all the trappings of success.  I live in a house I rent and dislike, have no savings to think of and a modest 6-figure retirement fund as my major asset.  My dad and stepmother are very comfortable, her sisters all have comfortable retirements,  but somehow I feel like I fucked up.  Like I missed opportunities, never realized my potential during the critical years.  

I was always an underachiever in school.  I made A’s and B’s with little effort throughout school.  When I hit college, I realized I never learned the art of studying, but I cruised through college in liberal arts and graduated with little drama.  

I read books on what makes people successful.  It’s structure and self-discipline.  I have officed next to highly successful people and watched them first-hand.  They are structured, delegate, network unbelievably, perhaps a bit more ruthless than me, but not that much smarter.  They are selfish with their time and don’t waste it. I don’t do that.  

I am thinking perhaps a business loan will give me sone breathing room.  I have no idea if I can even get one since I have no assets to secure it.  My Ex had Lines of Credit for his law firm.  I just know that this aniexty will be the death of me.  I cannot let it get the better of me.  It can hurt me in so many ways: physically, emotionally, my relationships with others, the list is endless

But this weekend is all about my mental health. I wrote the above on the plane.  Then I successfully and effortlessly navigated the airport, train & Lyft to Taz’s apartment.  I strolled through a lovely park, chatted with the Hunter while watching dogs frolic and then grabbed a sandwich & chilled on the rooftop terrace of Taz’s building.  I’m relaxed.  Now pour me a delicious adult beverage.

Irmageddon Part 1

This will probably be the first of many posts about Irma.  That bitch is hellbent on destroying my hometown for the past 30+ years.  She is very dangerous.  There are so many newbies to SFLA that they have no idea what Irma is really like, however, people are preparing.

My FB feed is exploding.  People evacuating, people staying, everyone panicky and no supplies to be found.  The Hunter and I gassed up at 4:30 am on Tuesday.  We were one of the last customers at a station that dispensed 9,000 gallons since 7:00 pm the night before.

We have a sturdy bunker of a house in an area that is inland enough to be out of all evacuation zones.  The roof was replaced in 2005, so it’s as good as it gets.  The windows are impact-resistant and the house is a low ranch facing south-southeast — one of the best profiles for the wind.  The Hunter is getting the outdoors ready while I do things like…pack up important papers, write, deal with a dreadful migraine that left me vomiting this morning, monitor friends and family thru FB, etc.  In other words, I am trying to deny the existence of a hellish weekend.

My adorable son-in-law from the Northeast can’t fathom why we don’t evacuate.  I calmly explain that it’s not an option.  Florida has tens of thousands of tourists from the Keys, cruise ships, attractions who all need to get the heck out of the way.  The highways are packed with no gas at the exits.  We also have elderly, special needs and kidlet folks who shouldn’t be here before, during or for the aftermath, so let them get outside of the Zone.

Our building code is designed for people to shelter in place.  We need to trust it, although, a Cat 5 wasn’t part of the plan.  If we can keep the roof intact, we’ll be OK.  To that end, all doors will be kept shut during the storm to keep the pressure compartmentalized, so if one section goes, we can hopefully slow or prevent other roof sections from going.  Yes, that’s the type of thing we are discussing on FB.  It worked for me in Andrew and it worked for others in other hurricanes.

In the meantime life goes on for others.  I see on FB that a work colleague lost his father on Tuesday.  Another whose husband has been so very ill for the past two months and was just re-hospitalized.  His prognosis is grim.  Another friend’s dog passed away yesterday.  I have friends with wee babies, others with pregnant daughters and wives (who have been sent far away).  My life is simple now, so it’s easier to cope with the preparations.

Pray for the folks of SFLA.  The poor folks don’t have the financial means to stockpile food and water for a week. The rich folks are dealing with full-house generators that suddenly decided to go on strike at the moment of true crisis.  Lots of friends are figuring out what the heck to do with their boats.  It’s crazy right now, but I just keep reminding myself to eat this elephant one bite at a time.

See you on the other side, Maggie

 

 

 

The Hunter is Smart

This week I am in the trenches fighting.  I am doing the hard slog of defending my position, covering my rear flank and aggressively pushing forward.  I had a couple of brilliant ideas that are bearing fruit now and will be amazing in 2018.  But right now I am an Amazon warrior and not to be trifled with.  The Hunter found this out this week.

My son is wrapping up his internship and next week will be heading back to college.  He doesn’t like the Hunter.  Let’s not mince words.  They don’t have common ground and it’s clear that the Hunter and I fuck, which is definitely uncomfortable for adult children when they are living under the same roof.  We also didn’t help matters by not wanting his girlfriend to hang around here for days while he is working — too awkward when we are working from home.  My son is an introvert of the 9th degree, so sometimes you have to pry things out of him.

This week the Hunter got annoyed, then mad because my son doesn’t even talk to him.  Didn’t acknowledge him with a “Good morning” as he spoke to me.  I have to agree that my son was embarrassingly rude, which reflects poorly on me as his parent.  The Hunter wanted a big pow wow, but his timing was poor. I came home at 8:30 with the prospect of another 2 hours of work.  As I sat in the car to gather my thoughts, the garage door goes up and there is the Hunter.  He wants to have his confrontation NOW.

I look at him and his eyes are redder than a rose.  “Have you been smoking?”  He counters, “Why does that matter?”  I tell him that there will be no conversations with my son that night.  I have work to do and I am not doing this while he is stoned.  We will do this tomorrow, I tell him.

I march off to my office to crank out the necessary paperwork that is pending.  My son comes in and we chat about the situation.  It’s an awkward conversation for him, easy for me because I know his answers before he states them and we get it pretty much resolved/aired out.  He leaves for school in a week, we just need to get through these last couple of days.

The next morning I am bustling around to get out for a big meeting.  The Hunter and I begin talking and he gets mad that I already spoke to my son.  He’s walking out of the room as I am speaking, so I find myself yelling.  He walks back in “Are we fighting about your son?”  I said no, I am simply trying to explain my side.  I leave.  He sends me a text 30 minutes later about not giving him the opportunity to state his case.  Yep, that’s because it’s my son and that relationship trumps my relationship with the Hunter.  Instead I stay silent.  Which was the smart choice because I had a full day of arguing with attorneys and strenuously defending my position on a number of things.  I was full of piss & vinegar all day, so I knew better than to talk about anything with family when my Amazon is at full power.

He must have re-thought his position because he did some really nice things for me after that text.  He took my elderly Lhasa Apso to be groomed (which was long overdue), made a beautiful dinner, coaxed me out on a lovely bike ride and fucked me really good.  Smart man.  Smart man because the reason I had been late the night before was because I had a long bitch session with my BFF who is contemplating ending her relationship and moving the West Coast.  She and I were discussing the merits of her relationship and then my relationship.  We discussed the question of if I was done and when would be the appropriate time to pull the plug.  I’ll dissect that and write some more.  In the meantime, all is quiet here.  Everyone is playing nicely and I am kicking some serious ass in my business world. I got fucked great last night, so I feel wonderful.  Now, I need to put on my armor and get back out on the battlefield.

I’m Learning

My business world is such a quirky, not-normal one.  We like to pretend we are normal and a necessary component of any legit business, but we are a strange bunch.  Entrepreneurial, merciless, and smart — oftentimes a lethal combination.  This week I was at a lovely cocktail party of my tribe and found a whole crop of newbies.  Fascinating.  I have a pragmatic trait of not noticing newbies until they have made it past their first year — why waste my time?  I love the hypocrisy of my buddies telling one newbie that his mentor/team leader is a great guy (he’s not — a complete ruthless asshole) and that he’ll learn a lot from them (only how to be screwed over).   I wanted to tell the kid to make sure that he gets everything in writing up front, but hey, why be a downer when the free alcohol is flowing?

This week was good and flew by without me getting through my To Do list.  Of course, I am not helping matters as I sit here and write, but hey, it’s Friday so WTF and TGIF!  I am trying to get back on a regular schedule and actually made it to the gym pretty regularly and I’m feeling great.  Still fluffy and not losing weight, but hey, I have to remember to be patient.

I continue to find my relationship with the Hunter so interesting as I look from the outside in.  If we had met anytime before now (aka before empty nest), I doubt I would have been interested.  During my previous stage in life, a Provider was key to me.  That’s why I didn’t leave my Ex — I liked the $$ in the bank and the security he provided.  But I digress — sorry, but my writing today is wandering all over the place in some random free thought streams.  I actually just wrote two paragraphs that are going onto another post because it’s off topic.  Wait, do I even have a topic today?  I digress further…

Oh, yeah, the Hunter and our relationship!  We are in a comfortable place.  I am learning that I am a stronger force than I thought.  I am learning to sit back and let other people take care of me.  I am learning to talk about my anxieties and concerns because he (and my dear friends) will provide the love and support to talk me off the ledge.  I am learning that I will be a great success — just like my affirmations tell me — but I have to be patient a bit longer. I am learning to say no to volunteer projects that suck my time (I just bequeathed a great one to Robin — she needs this to get out more anyway),  I am learning that I am not a domestic goddess in any way, shape or form, so I just need to give up that charade and move on. I am learning that the Hunter is a good man with dreams and hopes that are finally coming true.  I am learning to trust him completely and to never be afraid to tell him anything (scars from my past life are healing).

A year ago I was in a different place.  One of apprehensive excitement because both the Hunter and I were launching our new companies.  Folks continue to shake their head in amazement at our courage (or foolishness) in starting two companies at the same time, but I like it because we both understand 100% what the other is feeling.  We are in a good place.  I’ve got $$ in the bank, Robin and I are finally splurging on haircuts after 6 months (LOL), the Hunter has a ton of meetings set up as a result of his smash hit presentation last week, I have a HUGE meeting next week with a potential new client as a result of my relentless marketing campaign (that shit really does work!).  Now my son needs to spend the weekend with his dad so I can fuck the Hunter silly this weekend.

 

She’s Dead

The Hunter’s mom died a few days after his birthday.  My wish was granted for her not to die on his birthday.  I just spent an intensive 24 hours with his family and gained a lot of interesting insight into his familial dynamics.  I talked to the Hunter about some of it last night as we drove home, and he is now digesting my thoughts.

Families are interesting communities and the Hunter’s is no different from most.  The Hunter was the youngest — the youngest cousin, the youngest in his family (his sister is 7 years older).  He was, like I said previously, that active, annoying little brother who was always into everything, tagging along and getting into trouble.  That’s his role in the family and even now, at age 50, that’s how the family treats him.  He reacts that way too sometimes because he’s playing his role.  More about that later in this post…

I told the Hunter that his sister’s eulogy was lovely — it was, but it represented parts of his mother that he didn’t always see.  He agreed.  I told him that I am sure he is full of conflict because he saw a side of his mother others didn’t.   I asked him if perhaps his mom beat him so much because he is the spitting image of his dad?  That gave him pause and he’s thinking about it.

The reason I said that was during the waiting, night after night, for his mom to pass, his sister told him quite a revelation.  Apparently his dad was quite the player (apple didn’t fall far from the tree) and had several women friends that would pay for his company.  One of his dad’s many jobs was as a maitre d’ at a nice restaurant and a couple of women apparently enjoyed his companionship outside of the dining experience.  These relationships endured for many years and his mother was aware of them.  His sister remembered their most epic fight was over a bundle of cash his dad had stashed away and his mother spotted it.  So his dad was a gambler, womanizing, handsome guy while his mom was the June Cleaver of the neighborhood — cooking great memorable meals, planning all the family get-togethers, sewing amazing outfits (that she later sold).  I could see where there could be some tension….

I ended up being the odd woman out on this family occasion which wasn’t a big deal.  I knew several of them and was able to have some great chats, but oftentimes I simply sat and observed with a pleasant expression on my face.  The younger generation (Nino and his cousins) found me to be hip and cool.  The older set found me polite and warm.  I stuffed my face with great food.

When his cousin sat beside me to tell me that the Hunter’s mom, who passed due to complications of advanced Alzheimer’s, was waiting for the Hunter to say good-bye, I swallowed my cynical thoughts and mildly said, “really?  Why do you say that?”  She told me that she knew due to her 5-years of home health experience and that she was clearly right because his mom passed away 12 hours later.  I, of course, am a bit too realistic to think that her brain was still connected to her soul at that point.  Alzheimer’s is a horrible disease and I think his mom had been gone a long, long time.

I also saw, but didn’t speak to, Nino’s mom — the Hunter’s baby momma aka common law wife.  She was not what I was expecting.  The Hunter and Nino took care of her and I later told the Hunter it was nice that she showed up to pay her respects and support her son without becoming a problem.  She stayed 20 minutes, said her hellos, made one mildly snarky comment and left.  Perfect.

I scored major brownie points with the Hunter’s sister.  She didn’t include him in the service and at the last minute came to me asking if the Hunter wanted to speak.  She had asked him and he had said he would put something together with me, but he never told me.  I suggested that perhaps he could thank everyone for their support and love.  She loved it, I arranged it with the Hunter and he said a beautiful thank you — especially to his sister for all her love and care for their mom.  It was perfect.

I also saw a family that is full of love.  Two children (8 and 4) dropped by and everyone doted on them.  There were stories of gatherings, parties, dinners that were wonderful.  After all the viewings, service and burial, the closest family (including us) went out to a nice dinner that was full of laughter and memories.  I went home with a very full belly and pleasant thoughts.

I don’t know if his family can change their approach to the Hunter and if he can change his reactions to them.  I can see where old habit die hard, but perhaps it might be worth another attempt.  She’s gone and his dad will soon follow because he’s 86 with dementia. It sucks getting old….

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