"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for the ‘Personal Growth’ Category

I Survived Thanksgiving

On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, my plans for the holiday completely changed. Instead of having dinner with the Hunter’s extended family (a gathering estimated at around 60), I hosted an intimate late lunch/early dinner for me, the Hunter and my BFF.

I was thrilled to host. I have come to realize that I really do enjoy hosting a small gathering. I need to do this more often.

I quickly figured out a traditional menu including gluten-free options for my BFF. I grabbed a fresh turkey so I didn’t have to fool around with defrosting.

But first I spent a wonderful Wednesday with my son. I showed off my new apartment, showed him the community and we enjoyed a leisurely lunch at a waterfront restaurant. We sorted the Christmas ornaments so I can send some to Taz. It was a lovely day of pure quality time with him.

Thanksgiving dawned with my apartment full of Christmas boxes. “What the heck?” I thought, so for the first time ever, I had Christmas decor up for Thanksgiving. Why put it all away to simply pull it back out next weekend? I enjoyed the Macy’s parade while I got everything ready.

My BFF showed up earlier than I thought, so I didn’t have a chance to get gussied up. That just saved me time. I pulled out a nice bottle of champagne someone had given me and we polished it off before the Hunter arrived. She loved my new apartment and its amenities. She marveled at how organized I have everything. I was quite pleased!

Dinner was lovely and went off without a hitch. I sent my BFF home with a goody bag of leftovers. I had a great FaceTime chat with Taz who was also hosting a small gathering. The day wiped me out, so I was in bed early. The Hunter spent the night because we were going camping for the weekend. We laughed that we were crawling into bed about the time dinner was being served at his family’s dinner. We had no regrets on skipping it.

Camping was great. Right now I am trying to ignore my mosquito bites. No matter how much repellent I use, they still find unprotected tender spots. My fingers (?!), inner thighs and butt are the popular spots this trip. Damn mosquitoes ambushed me in the composting toilet.

We took a long bike ride which wore out the Kracken. We took sunrise and sunset hikes. A raccoon snuck into camp the first night to snack on the Kracken’s dog food. I spooked it when I headed over to the composting toilet for another round of skeeter bites. Then apparently coyotes ran thru the camp howling during the night. I slept thru it, so a I wonder how close they actually were. I heard them the next night but they were far away.

I returned to my sanctuary (a.k.a. apartment) before noon and I was tuckered out. I got my laundry done and that’s about it. Turkey stew and creative leftover ideas will wait until tomorrow.

This was a good way to spend the holiday. It kept me away from the stores or even thinking about them. I spent it with loved ones and I got my turkey with all the fixings. Next up – Christmas.

Re-framing the Holidays

If you have read my blog over the years, you will know that since my separation and divorce six years ago, the holidays have been a bit fraught for me.  Geez, it’s hard to believe that my divorce was six years ago.  Wow, that’s a post for my Emancipation Day in April!

Anyway, back to the holidays.  Since I don’t have a strong family connection with my dad or my brother (I haven’t spoken to that Sack of Shit for years), the only family I am close to are my kids.  I don’t want to lean on them for every single holiday, so I need to re-frame what the holidays mean to me.

When my kids were growing up, the holidays were always about family.  My then-husband, the kids, the in-laws and extended family.  My Ex is one of 4 kids in a close-knit family.  We all lived close to one another for years.  The in-laws and extended family were close by also.  My kids grew up in a nurturing environment — just as I always wanted.

Once I divorced my husband, those family members are gone.  They included me very sporadically and reluctantly on a few occasions, but I knew not to depend upon them.  I realize that I have not released my married life view of the holidays being about family.  I need to do that.

I want to re-frame the holidays.  It is time because I will continue to be petulant about them until I can let go of my old ways.  Here is how I want to think about the holidays going forward:

Thanksgiving is a time to be grateful and reflective of all that I have.  As long as it involves turkey, I am fine.  It does not matter who or where I spend it (provided that there is turkey and pie). I have many things and people to be thankful for, so I will take the time to do so (with some stuffing and sweet potato casserole, please).  I want to channel peace, reflection and gratitude on Thanksgiving. Leftovers would be a bonus.

Christmas is going to be a time of pleasure and relaxation.  This year it will be spent with family, so I have to add in love and adventure since I will be visiting them.  Christmas is no longer tied to gifts.  I am not exchanging gifts with any of my loved ones this year.  That’s a first.  I am, however, sending my daughter a box of heirloom Christmas ornaments for her to use and keep. She is thrilled and excited to have them on her tree for this holiday. I am saving some for my son as well.

Christmas will be about being spiritual and appreciating the positivity in all of us. I love Christmas carols, the decorations, so I want to make sure I enjoy that.  It will also be about preparing for new beginnings which brings us to New Year’s.

New Year’s is all the cliches of new beginnings.  Out with the old and in with the new.  It’s the classic reset button.  New Year’s is about forgiving myself for past failed attempts and having the courage and optimism to start again.

It is quite easy to type these bold words and declaration of re-framing.  Now let’s see if I can truly take them to heart.  Can I stop my old, tired thinking and create a new reality of the holidays for myself?  I like to think “yes”.  I need to think about how I can create a small vision board that reminds me of these new holiday perceptions.

osman-rana-BltXOAu8Ckw-unsplash

Photo by Osman Rana on Unsplash

 

2020 Road Map

When reading Sheri Salata’s book, The Beautiful No,  I jotted down some notes and ideas about what would be my focus for 2020.  I accomplished quite a bit for 2019 , but it is time to look ahead and set some new milestones for myself.

One thing I am realizing is that my days off of work are precious.

I spent 17 years of little accountability for my work time.  My days were my own and I had bosses who did not have the time or interest in tracking if I was working, where I was working, etc.  I could work from home or whatever hours I wanted, provided I produced results.

Anywhoo, now I have a 9-5 job with a steady paycheck which comes with expectations that I will be in my seat at a certain time and until a certain time.  Even though I am exempt, I fill out a time card tracking my hours and the projects I work on.  Ergo, my days off or mucking around outside the office have become rarer.

I need to be selfish with my time off.  My evenings, weekends and PTO days are precious commodities which have to be used prudently. I need to prioritize what I really want to do.

For 2020, I want to focus on three key areas:

  1. Health/Wellness
  2. Money & Abundance
  3. Adventure/Discovery & New Friends

Health/Wellness.  From listening to my podcasts, I recognize that weight loss is a journey and not a number.   I need to create healthy habits and create a determined focus on adhering to those habits.  These habits will center on honoring my body with good food, movement and medical check-ups.

The tools I will use for this area of my journey include my podcasts for inspiration and encouragement; a nutritionist for guidance and eventually add in a gym for variety and classes.  The gym will overlap in my Adventure/New Friends category.

The habits that I will focus on for 2020 include:

  • Limit my eating out so I can control the quality and quantity of my food (this also ties into my frugal habits)
  • Limit alcohol (not too hard since I only have about 1 drink a week right now)
  • Move my body 5x-6x a week for a minimum of 30 minutes (so far, so good because I am doing this now)
  • Stretching/yoga for more flexibility
  • Water, water, water – make sure I am hydrating enough
  • Take a daily multi-vitamin
  • Focus on eating a primarily plant-based diet.  I will still have meat, but I will work on limiting it to 1 meal a day (eggs may be excluded…)
  • I will stop eating 3 hours before bed
  • I will sleep a minimum of 7 hours a night
  • I will journal about how I am doing with all of this at least 3x a week (it doesn’t mean blogging because I keep a small weight loss journal also).

Other things I will do over the course of 2020 for my Health/Wellness include a full round of medical check-ups.  Now I have decent insurance, so I might as well use it.

Money & Abundance. For some reason, the word “abundance” stirs uneasy feelings in me.  I think it is because I see abundance as an accumulation of STUFF or DEBT and not an abundance of savings, safety and comfort.  I will work on changing my perception during 2020.

I need to stay frugal as a lifestyle and not a short term solution.  I need to discover other things to fill my void rather than spending or buying things.  I have a tendency to want to solve things with either comfort food or a purchase rather than stepping back and asking myself if it is really necessary.

I want to focus on getting to a debt-free life.  I need to pay off all of my debts and create a savings mindset.  This is where I will create abundance — through savings, not obtaining stuff.

The tools I will use to help me with Money & Creating Abundance are my worksheets and I have some Facebook groups and podcasts for support.  I have to track my money – each and every penny.

My 2020 Money & Abundance habits include:

  • Continue with comparing my actual monthly spending to my budgets for accountability.
  • Implement the “envelope system” for my groceries and other discretionary spending.
  • Login to my bank account weekly to check in on the state of affairs
  • Take my lunch daily (this applies to Health/Wellness also)
  • Limit my dining out and take-out to only 2-3 times a month (ties to Health/Wellness)
  • Learn to love my new frugal lifestyle and creative hacks more than walking into a store.
  • Continue to use and develop my free resources (library, free concerts, art festivals) when seeking Adventure.

Adventure/Discovery & New Friends. I need to return to trying new activities.  By doing these new activities, I will meet new people and learn more about my new community.  I need to learn how to create, nurture and build deeper, lasting friendships. My habits will include:

  • Do things and plan things – spontaneity isn’t going to cut it.
  • Keep trying MeetUp activities and groups
  • Follow up when I meet new people
  • Say yes when invited to outings

My goal is 3-4 activities (primarily new stuff) every month.

Accountability:  There is no sense in creating new habits for this new portion of my journey unless I am willing to be accountable.  I have to track things so I will be able to accurately gauge how I am doing.

For Health/Wellness, I will create a chart so I can track:

  • How many weekly 30 minute workouts?
  • How many times did I dine out?
  • How many plant-based meals per week?
  • How much meal prepping am I doing?
  • Weekly weigh-ins and measurements including my journaling
  • Seek one annual appointment in the following areas:  annual physical, flu shot, optometrist, gyn, dermatologist, nutritionist and dentist.

For Money/Abundance, my accountability will be:

  • Reconciling my budget versus actual spending
  • Using my envelope system
  • Tracking my debt reduction on a spreadsheet

For Adventure & Friends, my accountability will be:

  • Keeping a calendar, a nice one, that shows my events (past, present & future)
  • Making sure I follow up with the new folks I will be meeting
  • Throw a party for myself at some point — nothing big, it can be anything, but by next Fall, I should be able to invite local folks to a get-together.

This new roadmap is up to me.  I am the CEO of my life.  I have to make the decisions and hold myself accountable.  The buck stops here.  This is the next phase of my journey.  I am excited about it.  It’s all about me.  It’s all about being selfish.

noemi-jimenez-Zir_WPh3E7E-unsplash

Photo by Noemí Jiménez on Unsplash

 

 

New Road Map

I have long believed life is a journey.  A long, winding road full of bumps, detours, forks, .hills and valleys.

I spent today reading Sheri Salata’s book, The Beautiful No.  It is a quick read.  Although I have expressed my reservations about Oprah, Sheri had some good moments that resonated with me.  Not enough to buy her $20 workbook, but enough to purchase her $15 book after starting with a library e-book.

One realization I had while reading her book is I figured out what is up with neutral gear in my reset.  I need a new map.  My map for 2019 was about finding my reset.

To that end, I found a new job, moved to a new city and a new apartment, worked on a new lifestyle of frugality and minimalism, changed my relationship with the Hunter and began working on my health. 2019 has been a year of big changes.  I have taken lots of action and big steps, however, I have felt that I have come to an end.

Now that I have achieved so many big things in 2019, I need to pause.  It is time to rejoice  and celebrate.  I took a moment while writing this to let this thought sink in. I haven’t figured out how I will celebrate, perhaps when I see my kids at Christmas I can think of something.  One thing I know is that I am very, very grateful for this reset.

It is time to create my 2020 road map for the next phase of my life journey. I think my subconscious has already been preparing for this and that is the underlying cause of my unrest.  I am floating in uncharted waters, so I will feel more secure and purposeful if I have a chart or map to provide direction.

One big revelation for my 2020 road map is that it does not contain a single work-related item.  Not one. Work doesn’t need to bleed into my personal life any longer.  Wow, that’s a wonderful thing.

I am selfishly focused on me and my personal life.  That is a first for me.  Perhaps my word for 2020 will be “Selfish” or “Self-Centered”.

I like those words.  Nobody who knows me would ever use one of those words to describe me.  Perhaps that is why they are such great words for me.  It is something I need to learn to be/do.

By living alone, I am able to give myself the space to be selfish, to focus on my needs and wants.  This weekend I am spending my free time focused on me.  Selfish has begun. More to follow.

element5-digital-uE2T1tCFsn8-unsplash

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

 

Stuck?’

I am in neutral gear.  I don’t feel stuck, but I do feel like I am just idling.  I haven’t tackled my debt situation aggressively.  I have money sitting in the bank waiting to be sent to the IRS for my tax bill.  I haven’t gone into hyper-frugal mode, although I must pat myself on the back for also not spending money on frivolous things.  I have been ignoring my bank account and managing my money.

On the plus side, I did complete my 401k rollover and closed my personal 401k which saves me $$.  I am enrolled in my company 401k so I can get their full match and I adjusted my withholding at work.  I have stayed out of stores for the most part which is important because I am an over-spender.  I feel like I am over-spending on groceries.  I haven’t been wasting much food, however, so I tell myself that I am still gathering my basics.  That excuse has come to an end because my cupboards are full.  I am not eating out more than twice a month (when I pay my way).  I simply haven’t taken any bold action steps on the money front.

What do I need to do on the money front?

  • Make a nice payment to the IRS so I see some aggressive progress.  I could pay off about 30% of it right now.  I need to simply get off my ass, login and do it.
  • Jump on QuickBooks and get my Maggie & Co. books updated.  In order to immediately file my tax returns in January, I need to start the prep work now, so it won’t be overwhelming come January.
  • Move some money into my hidden emergency fund stash so it isn’t in my general checking account where it could be more at risk of being accidentally spent.
  • Tell the Hunter he needs to pay me for the work I have done.  He apparently is having a cash flow issue, but that’s not my concern.  He needs to pay me, however, I need to ask also.
  • Reconcile how my spending is going in November.  I did this for October and it was a helpful snapshot of understanding where my money is going.

When I read the above accomplishments, I have to step back and say, “wait a minute, I did get quite a bit of stuff done!”  Maybe I am just being hard on myself and I am being impatient again.

Next I have my weight loss efforts also stuck in idle.  I have taken some positive steps.  I get to the apartment gym every morning for 30 minutes with 40-45 minute walks on both Saturday and Sunday.  I alternate between weights and cardio with an emphasis on weights/resistance.

I have shifted my diet to more plant-based, no processed foods.  I make my own hummus (super easy), beans (black and kidney), and I am food prepping regularly to eliminate the opportunity to make bad choices.  I have no more cold cuts, little meat (once a day if we don’t count eggs).  I focus on veggies with some fruit.  I still have some Greek yogurt, limited carbs (rice, pasta, sprouted grain bread, etc.) and sugar.  Ah, sugar.  The crack cocaine of my life.  It sneaks in daily.

I have started listening to some podcasts for inspiration.  I found two that resonate with me.  One is the pragmatic, professional “Cut the Fat” with Blythe Wagner and Ray Hinish.  They do not advocate one diet plan over another, and after two episodes I find that I like what they have to say.

The other podcast that speaks to me is by crazy, foul-mouth Corinne Crabtree’s podcast called “Losing 100 lbs with Phit-n-Phat”.  She is a life/diet coach and yes, she is always trying to sell you her coaching, but she also talks about mindset, creating good habits and she reads the same business books I have read.  I like the fact that she is taking the concepts of big productivity and mindset authors to apply with her Tribe of clients.  She likes Grant Cardone’s 10x, Jon Acuff’s Finish and more. She wants you to shift your mindset, so she talks a lot about the why of emotional eating.  I have figured out my over-eating has a lot to do with emotions.

The first step with Corinne is planning.  I can’t even do that yet.  I downloaded her free pdf to get started and I can’t even commit to planning what I will eat for the next 24 hours.  Sigh.  I have good intentions but then the Hunter comes over as he leaves on a hunting trip, we have an unexpected free lunch at work, someone brought in pastries.  You can see I am chock full of excuses, so I realize that I don’t have my mindset, my WHY, my determination to begin. That makes me sad and disappointed.

I am also realizing that this is a life shift and my weight loss journey will be a long one.  It will require patience and that is something in low supply for me.  I need to be kinder to myself.  This post by Steve Pavlina was helpful.

I must do it.  Fuck, the Hunter weighs less than me right now and that was a very sad moment for me.  I just need to sit down, figure out my WHY and then get to it.  I have started reading Sheri Salata’s book, A Perfect No, and it is speaking to me.  I plan on losing myself in that book this weekend after my walk, of course.

I wrote this earlier today and as I prepare this for posting, I realize what I need.  Patience.  A heck of a lot more patience with myself.  Life is a journey, not a sprint, so I just need to make sure that every day I am doing what I need to do and try to improve my lifestyle by 1%.  Just 1% because the results will accumulate. That’s from my potty-mouth diva, Corrine.

mourad-saadi-GyDktTa0Nmw-unsplash

Photo by Mourad Saadi on Unsplash

 

Bliss

Here I sit on my balcony watching the sun set. I just polished off a cosmo. A gentle breeze is wafting over me. I am so peaceful and happy and that is not just due to the alcohol.

I have been crunching my numbers to extricate myself from my debt hole. It is all falling into place. I will hopefully be debt free (excluding car) by next summer. My burden is lifting.

I rolled my 401k into the company plan thus eliminating all the fees and responsibilities I had. According to their calculator, I will be fine if I continue as planned. My fingers are crossed. I don’t want to fall back on my kids.

I have been going to the gym EVERY weekday. I only have 30 minutes, but I try to makes them count. Add in longer walks on the weekend and this week I finally feel a difference in my strength. The scale hasn’t budged, but fuck the scale for now.

I feel joy, a lightness and such incredible relief. I am so very thankful. So let me enjoy this breeze that is finally bringing hints of Fall and be grateful for this reset. Thank you, Karma. I am blessed.

Cranking up the Social Life

Making friends as an adult seems to get harder as the years go by. I have written about this before. Anyway, this week I made concerted efforts. I went to a Meetup group of lovely professional women and followed up with those I met. I invited one new Meetup person, plus four ladies from work to join me at a free concert. No takers, so I went by myself because I’ll be damned if I will sit at home.

The weekend ended up pleasantly busy. I had shopping to do, an apartment to be cleaned, food prep to be done. Plus I enjoyed two lovely morning walks. One involved a Farmers Market. I was definitely busy.

I think what caused some melancholy is when I went through my phone contacts to dig out addresses to send “change of address” cards. There was so much crap. The vast majority where business-related from my former life, acquaintances from the married life and very little substance. I only have a dozen or so family and friends that merit a card.

I have told myself to be patient. Making friends is much like dating. I have to get myself out there with the right groups of people. I can’t expect immediate results. I appear to be one of the older residents at my apartment complex. I’m actually fine with that. I just have to continue to do activities I enjoy and friends will follow….I think. I am lucky because I am fine with flying solo at most activities, so I won’t sit at home if I don’t want to. I am not asking for much – just 2-3 new friends. Wish me luck!

Tag Cloud