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Archive for the ‘Personal Growth’ Category

Aftermath

After inserting my foot very firmly in my mouth and not realizing that the Hunter has been reading along with all of you, it’s time to explain the aftermath.  The Hunter was hurt and angry (rightfully so) for the full-on blindside I delivered.  We have talked about our relationship, sex life and cleared the air on a number of things inside of our relationship.  Those things will stay inside our relationship and we have come out the other side intact, but we both have things that are still be digested individually.

The Hunter feels betrayed and lied to.  He thinks I have been deceptive.  Perhaps I have been, however, I will also say that confrontation has never been a strong point with me.  I need to do a better job of sussing out my feelings and separating the crazy aspect from the legit part. This blog is a part of that process and I think he now realizes that.  I am chalking part of my rant up to my crazy regarding holidays in general.  I’ll write some more about it as I process more.

On my side, I need to think about how I feel knowing, without a doubt, that the Hunter is an avid reader of my blog.  He is gracious, open and understanding about it.  He says I am a complex woman and this is his best way to understand what is ruminating around in my brain.  I respect and admire him for accepting that part of me.  I am difficult to understand and I make no bones about it.  Hell, half the time I have no idea what I truly think about tough issues.

But now how will I write?  Will there now be a bit of an internal censor knowing that one of you Dear Readers shares my life and my bed with me?  Will I go back to my brain dump and continue my ruminations?  Time will tell.  One thought I had was to password-protect sensitive posts or just leave them marked private so they aren’t published, but I don’t know if that’s the answer.  Is concealment a form of deception or just an omission of kindness?

As I have watched Ann St. Vincent go through the hell of being outed, it reminds me that there are many people who aren’t open-minded enough to understand what blogging means to many of us.  For non-writers/bloggers, they don’t understand our compulsion to put our thoughts on paper/screen in the wide open internet.  I do it so I have a snapshot of my brain processes.  The blogging/writing process coupled with reader comments helps me remember context and specific situations, release anxiety and tension and a host of other reasons.  Some of my stories cannot be shared with friends and family in the real world, but I feel the need to tell/share them.  This gives me that needed outlet.

In any event, I am back to writing, the Hunter is back to reading and life goes on.  That’s enough for today.

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Dear Hunter

My Love,
Technology can be cruel and I apologize. I had no idea that my blog pops on your tablet whenever a post goes up. You have had a front row seat of my innermost thoughts for many, many months.

As we had discussed at the beginning of our relationship and during this two counseling sessions, my blog is how I process. It’s my inner mental journey, so you have seen my secrets while I have not seen your innermost thoughts.

I know I have caused you hurt and I am deeply sorry. You are a kind, wonderful man who treats me only with respect and kindness. It breaks my heart to see you angry and hurt because of me. I don’t have answers.

Do I ask you to radically comprise to fit what I want? Is that fair? We both agree that we aren’t staying in this house when the lease is up, but what’s next? What about the Kracken? I believe we have an obligation to him. We got him, he stays. I will just have to suck it up.

Now you just left having told me that in your mind we are officially over. I’m heartbroken. You are in so much pain because of me and I am so very sorry. I do love you. You have brought joy to me and I am causing you pain.

I”ve Been Thinking

How much do you compromise or give up for a relationship? That’s my current question rumbling thru my head.  After Thanksgiving, I started thinking about my relationship with the Hunter.  The pros and cons.

Pros: companionship, great sex, a man who cares and takes care of me

Cons: I’m not living where and how I want.  I mean, I’m in the house in the ‘burbs instead of a more urban townhouse in a walkable neighborhood.  I have an 80 pound dog who is ravishing my already destroyed patio furniture as I write. I have a man that I have little in common with.  He talks of hunting, guns, vehicles. I talk of articles I read, podcasts on various topics. Our mutual topics: work, the dogs, mundane day-to-day stuff.

When he was gone on an 8 day hunting trip, I fell into a pleasant routine and didn’t find myself yearning for his return.  Actually I was a little  regretful because he creates more mess for me to clean up. That was noteworthy.

Can I truly stand living alone? I was doing it before the Hunter came into my life and I had my highs and lows with it.  What would happen to him? He is financially dependent upon me.  

We aren’t on the same page about vacation ideas, his work goals, where to live, our politics, how to spend the holidays, and other assorted tropics. I like art festivals, museums, farmers markets, brunch.  He likes the woods, rednecks and hunting. I am a cat person, he isnt. Some days I feel like I have a Roommate.  

I have come to realise I’m not an easy person to live with.  I snore, I can be moody – particularly when anxious about work. I need solitude both with work and off time to read, think, write. 

You also have the Dan Savage premise that nobody is “The One” — you just take the person who is .758 and round the fuck up.  He has a point.

The Hunter knows I’m not happy with him right now.  I spent a long day with my kids, their in-laws, my Ex and his GF (very nice lady — we just said hello and then stayed at opposite ends of the crowd).  I enjoyed the day but I could see where it would have been a long, drawn out strain for him. Perhaps it was better that he didn’t join us because it enabled me to determine what I wanted to do. 

But that also leads to the question of “do I want a man who would be fine with such an event?” What would I be compromising in other relationship areas?

I don’t want to make a hasty decision.  My lease is up in May and as my BFF said — that would be the time.  Is it time? I’ve been with him 3 years. I don’t see him as the man for the rest of my days, or do I?

The Hunter is a better person than me

For context, you need to understand the Crazy Lady (CL) who lives next door to us and the recent neighborhood drama by reading the previous post.   Things have settled down into a quiet truce.  We don’t acknowledge them and they don’t acknowledge us — stepson is the exception for all.  We like him.  He’s a good kid.

Last week, I noticed some increased activity at CL’s house.  Several pickup trucks there and I hear the sounds of power tools.  What the heck are they doing?  It’s been going on all week and I realized that they are doing a renovation in their house…. very covertly.

 

I want the Hunter to call his new best friend, the Code Enforcement Officer.  Yes, the aftermath of the crazy neighbor evening resulted in the Hunter having to get an occupational license for his home business, the landlady having to register her house as a rental and address some landscaping issues.  Total bill between all of us:  $500 or so.  The Hunter played this well and made nice with Code Enforcement.  He befriended the guy and schmoozed him.  He said he learned that tactic to me, but he is masterful.

But I’m pissed and I want to even the score because that was a shitty thing CL did.

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On Halloween, we heard her screaming at her stepson that she is going to kill him because he apparently didn’t clean the cat litter boxes.  Yeah, probably because he was busy mowing the grass and all the other yard work.  According to our landlady, she allegedly has 7-8 cats (violation of city ordinances which only allow 3 pets per household) and she has 2 dogs.  I can rant on and on about how the Dad is a shitty dad for not telling CL to shut her mouth and not talk to his son that way, but I digress.  Let’s return to the construction project.

I really, really, really want the Hunter to call his buddy in Code Enforcement to suggest that he take a ride through the neighborhood.  He won’t do it.  The Hunter says that he is not that kind of neighbor.  He is not the kind of neighbor that rats out others no matter what they have done to him.  Dammit.  The man has integrity.  Dammit.  I want revenge.  I want her to go through some of the bullshit that we have gone through.  Nope.  It’s not going to happen.

The Hunter is out of town for the next week.  He is deep in the woods hunting, so I am left to see the construction debris being removed under the cover of early morning darkness alone.  Today I saw the new kitchen cabinets in their open garage.  I hear the hammers.  I see the trades come and go.  ARGGGGGHHHH — I have to be a better person like the Hunter and hold my tongue.  I don’t want to, but I know it’s the right thing to do.  Dammit.  Integrity.  Nobody said it was easy….  My only hope

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Crazy Lives Beside Us

The Hunter had a really funny run-in with one of our neighbors that I haven’t written about.  I’ll try to keep it short but this will provide context to to my next post.

About 3 months ago we had a code enforcement officer stop by the house.  We weren’t home and he didn’t leave any information on why he was here.  My son was home and the officer was asking if the Hunter was running his business out of our house.  My son didn’t confirm or deny this and he duly informed the Hunter when he arrived home ahead of me.

I pulled into the driveway to see two cardboard signs attached to the trees out front. “Neighbors, we have a snitch who calls code enforcement” (I don’t remember the exact words, but that’s the gist of it).  I laughed and admired the Hunter’s audacity.  He thought I would be upset, but in my mind he was merely exercising his First Amendment right.  He wanted to add “Snitches get stitches”, but I advised him that this additional language was threatening and could get him into trouble.  He changed it to “Snitches are bitches”.

We knew who had turned us in — our batshit crazy next-door neighbor.  She is a screaming shrew who has fought viciously with our landlady after a BFF falling out.  I won’t go into their drama but let’s say that both sides probably bear responsibility.  Couple that with my landlady who has never seen an argument go unargued, and I can only imagine the fireworks when they lived side-by-side.

Anyway back to our drama.  We know it was our neighbor because the previous week the Hunter had given his business card to her teenage stepson because he wanted to have him help do some techie work with his GoPro camera.  Nobody else in the neighborhood knows the name of his business and the code enforcement officer had the name when he talked to my son, so it was an easy puzzle to solve.

Keep in mind that the Hunter named no names on either signs.  Neighbors drove or walked by regularly because it was early evening and folks were arriving home from work.  They read the sign and laughed or waved.  Within the hour, Crazy lady (CL) pulls into her driveway while we are sitting out back enjoying the early evening breeze.  “Motherfucker!!” she screams.  The Hunter looked at me and we giggled.  “Guess who’s home”, I say.

The Hunter has some big ass balls.  He grabbed his GoPro and walked into the front yard.  She had gone ballistic and marched over to the neighbors next to her to gain some allies. We had discovered early into our tenancy that they were also jerks (birds of a feather) but we never really had to deal with them, so it had never been a big deal.  They start screaming at the Hunter.

“Look out!! He’s got a gun!!!” was Neighbor’s first scream.  The Hunter calmly replied, “No, it’s a camera”.  The GoPro was on a selfie stick.  “Don’t film us!” Neighbor screams.

“We have lived here 20 years and we aren’t going to have that that kind of shit in our yard.”  Ummm, it’s in our yard, I think.

“We have called the cops”  Excellent because we need some protection from your crazy selves, I think.  Keep in mind that I am cowering in our house because I don’t have the Hunter’s confrontational chops.  I can hear everything though.

“You are just a tenant!” Um, what does that have to do with anything?

As the police arrived, we decided to sit inside and watch a pre-season football game, so the cops can deal with the crazies first without having to deal with us as well.  As we are sitting there, my phone began exploding.  My landlady was texting and calling me to ask what is this sign and demand that we remove it.  I ignored her because I needed to live thru the chaos in front of me.  I was also wondering how the heck she knew when CL basically has a restraining order against my landlady and cannot contact her directly.  Apparently CL enlisted the Neighbors to contact landlady who had no idea who was texting her all kinds of crazy messages.

Eventually the police came over and knocked on the door.  There are two — both young.  One is soft-spoken and polite; the other is a bit tougher.  We stepped outside to chat with them.  They told us that they explained to the crazy neighbors that we are well within our First Amendment rights to have the sign in the yard.  We began discussing the catalyst of the code enforcement officer visit.  The neighbor came to the edge of our yard to videotape us.  All 4 of us ignored her.

The cops told us that the neighbors were upset with the profanity.  Tough cop, with a straight face, said that they were cursing like sailors as they said the profanity offended them, so he told them he couldn’t believe that.  The tough cop then asked if we would remove the profanity.  “I would hate for the neighborhood kids to see it, ” he explained.  I refrained from being a smart ass by saying that if they could read it they had probably already learned that word.  The Hunter graciously said that he had made his point and would bring the signs inside and did so.  He had made his point, so the signs weren’t necessary.  All 4 of us mulled over why CL would have such a strong reaction to signs that didn’t name anyone…..interesting…..

There is more to the story.  I dealt with our landlady using the beautiful strategy of “the enemy of my enemy is my friend”, so our relationship has improved significantly.  I sent her the GoPro video which she put on her Facebook, shared with friends and family and probably caused CL more drama because they have mutual FB friends.  I never intended her to distribute it, but, hey, that’s her choice.  In my email to my landlady, I warned her that if CL harassed us in any way, we would find it to be a threat and violation of our quiet enjoyment which could result in us moving out early.  I called her and softened it by explaining that I needed to give her formal notice just to protect us both.  She understood.

The other neighbors around us loved the dramatic evening.  We heard from several, “she got what she deserved”.  One sat with his wife in his backyard which ended up being a front row seat for the entire saga.  He said it was one of his most enjoyable evenings in the neighborhood in years.  CL had sicced code enforcement on him several times apparently.

Although at the beginning I was really nervous about such a huge confrontation with a neighbor, I ended up finding the whole episode ridiculously hilarious.  It was a good learning experience for me about difficult confrontations.  The stepson saw us the next day and gave us a sly grin and “What’s Up”.  He and his dad are no longer allowed to chat with us, but he continues to say hello and wave.

All of this leads up to the past week where the Hunter has shown himself to be a better, more restrained, less vindictive person than me.

Vacation Thoughts

Here I sit in bed on vacation. Is it a vacation? I could say perhaps no — merely a round of visits to family. I had a migraine today that left me a bit under the weather for the most part. I did rally for lunch & a bit of shopping that left me wiped out. I got some excedrine migraine which is truly a miracle drug and now I feel much better but due to the high amounts of caffeine unable to sleep.

I’m restless. I feel like I’m not getting the vacation I wanted. I envisioned walks in the woods communing with nature, writing in my journal/blog, thinking of my life (personal & professional), planning, reading – just days of quiet reflective time. It ain’t happening.

My parents are great and thrilled to have me visit. I am having a lovely time with them, but it’s not what I envisioned. It’s OK. I’ll have some alone time soon when the Hunter takes off to his hunting lease for 10-14 days.

I should have packed my vibrator. Both my parents are hard of hearing…

I haven’t disconnected from work as much as I wanted, but that’s OK to a certain extent. I haven’t turned off my phone or my social media. Not so good.

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Now, five days later, here I sit at a rest stop as I finish my drive to home and I realize that my vacation was a great success. I listened to three great books on tape as I drove, read one book and most importantly perhaps I reconnected with the members of my family that I love the most.

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When I returned home last night, the Hunter greeted me with a very clean house, a lovely dinner and then he fucked me really good twice.  What a great way to come home.

I had thought the month of September was a big loss due to interruptions from Hurricane Irma and Labor Day, but I was wrong. It was actually a great success because I was able to spend time with Taz, my parents, and my son. What more can I ask? It was great quality time too and I have nothing but love in my heart for all of them. It was great to reconnect with all of them. I am a very, very lucky woman and I was blessed to be able to have this time and freedom to go visit with everybody. The Hunter has been nothing but supportive of these visits and I’ll have more quiet time when he heads up to his hunting lease in two weeks. All is well.

It was a great vacation after all and I’m ready to get back to work this week.

 

Taz Reunion

I really needed last weekend in the Big Apple with Taz.  Our agenda:  nothing.  We hit the Highline because I hadn’t seen it, we had mani/pedis, we ate great food, we drank a lot of champagne, we watched movies and we talked — a lot.  It was delightful.

Her new place is great and has a wonderful rooftop terrace that overlooks the Empire State Building.  I was comfy and cozy.  Her Hubby was out-of-town having a guys weekend with an old friend, so we had the place to ourselves.

Taz has settled down.  The insanity of 2016 with the wedding, interviews for residency, graduation, moving and the million other things are behind her.  Now it is the insane daily grind of a high-profile residency program, but she is learning how to manage it.  Her temper is cooler, her voice of reason has reappeared and we spent the entire weekend without her snapping at me once.  I think that is a first in about 4 years.

She is also becoming a very wise, insightful woman.  She told me of the plans she and Hubby are making for their life.  They share all their hopes and dreams with one another, fully support the career and other goals of each other — it is a wonderful relationship.  They are both very blessed to have found each other.  I am so incredibly happy for them.

Taz also touched my tender heart.  She told me that she appreciates how much I have sacrificed for others over the years.  She gets it and she thanked me.  She also understands why I adore the Hunter.  Taz explained, “when you told me he grocery shops and cooks for you, I totally understood the attraction.  You finally have someone who wants to take care of you.  I am so happy for you.”

We also laughed about one of her insights.  Our attachments to certain things.  I told the story of my meltdown over my shoe graveyard one Sunday.  She completely understood.  We have a quirky attachment to our stuff.  We don’t want others to break it or damage it because that just pisses us off immensely.  She had an example of a crystal vase that had been in the family for forever (I got stuck with a bunch of crystal vases over the years so I have no idea if it was a wedding gift of mine, my mom’s or MIL).  Anyway, Hubby broke it by accident.  She got pissed.  Really pissed.  He didn’t quite understand her anger.  We commiserated that a fucking photo doesn’t do justice to the item.  We want to hold it, see it.  We talked about how my move from my adorable townhouse to my new locale was a big sacrifice in some ways for me.  How I need to get back to having an adorable place that I love.  It does feed my soul.

Anyway, it was fabulous.  I gotta run because I’m packing for my road trip and leave tomorrow.  I’ll write some more while I’m away….I think…..

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