"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for the ‘Personal Growth’ Category

My Beach Read

My beach read for my recent trip was “The Naked Truth” by Leslie Morgan.  That damn bitch wrote my book.  Actually she wrote the Hollywood version of my book.

She’s doing the newly divorced 50ish woman re-discovering her sexuality with a flair that only privileged white women can do.  That’s my snarky side peeking out.

Leslie is a beautiful, fit, successful writer with two homes.  That hussy was living the dream — my dream — in her memoir.  OK, enough of my green-eyed monster.  Give me a minute and let me tuck my monster away….

OK, I’m back.  Leslie was right on point.  Her pain, her honesty, her humor but mostly her blinding candor made this book a great read for me.  It reminds me that women in our 50’s with an empty (or nearly empty) nest really need to spend some time discovering and uncovering ourselves (pun intended).

No spoilers.  If you have a chance to grab the book, you’ll spend some time with someone who automatically feels like a friend.  Here are some of my favorite quotes – no spoilers, I promise.

“I was crazy about men now the way Lyon had loved each of his high school hookups.  Including me.  Each of the men in my life was a chip of self-worth, helping me rebuild myself”

“Ever ask yourself what are you really looking for, honey?  Sometimes it seems like you’re willing to pay an awfully steep price in order to feel loved.  That’s what you always say about your first marriage — that the definition of an abuse victim is someone who pays too high a ransom in exchange for love.”    This one hit home for me.

Sara (this is her therapist) had warned me to be careful.  She cautioned that the first serious relationship following a divorce can be more intense than the marriage itself, because after a divorce, you are raw and broken and filled with hope that the next time, you’re going to find lasting love to make up for the love you lost.”  Damn, did that ring true.

“You know it sounds to me like Jake (her boyfriend) is your burn ointment.  Your sexual healing after years of Marty’s (her Ex) sabotage.  But that doesn’t mean he’s your soul mate.  Each man you date now is a building block for your self-esteem.  Not the foundation.  Don’t confuse the two.”  Damn, I need her therapist.  That woman is worth her weight in gold.

“Withholding emotion is a form of manipulation.”  Yeah, I may be guilty of this…

“Part of this journey was, obviously, that I had to learn and re-learn that the way I allowed men to treat me was up to me, and only me. I had to thread a particularly challenging needle:  to find validation from men in my life without completely giving myself over to them.”  Yep, still working on that.

“You grew up in an alcoholic home.  Fundamentally, this means that the people who loved you, who were supposed to take care of you, didn’t protect you.  It’s why you are so independent, and yet paradoxically susceptible to abuse and manipulation by those closest to you.”   This was a biggie for me.  My family wasn’t necessarily an alcoholic home, but it was dysfunctional.  Something to ponder further.

Anyway, buy Leslie’s book.  We divorced nymphomaniacs need to stick together.

Naked Truth

Advertisements

Family, Recharge, Nature

I spent Memorial Day weekend at the beachside town I have been visiting with my family for over 28 years.  It was my first overnight visit in over 5 years.  My first post-divorce stay.

My Ex began coming back to this town about 1-2 years ago.  I was glad he did.  He has been visiting with his fiancee and our son.  It holds special memories for all of us.  To put it in perspective, this is where I have told my kids to sprinkle my ashes when I’m gone.

I was the third wheel with my girlfriend and her husband.  They had never vacationed here, so I was able to provide some tour guiding assistance.  I was careful not to be too pushy with my advice and let them suss out what they wanted to do.

I was so happy to drive up by myself.  I brought my bike and pedaled around a couple of times.  We hit some of my favorite spots for dinner, but not all of them.  They are low-key, so we didn’t hit the busy places or the bars.  I would have enjoyed an evening of live music and drinks, but that didn’t happen.

The weather was perfect.  Our beach house was ideal for the three of us and their dog.  I spent my days walking, biking — busy and I felt really good the entire trip.

This place brings back happy memories.  My Ex and I rarely fought here.  It was a place of peace.  As my blog title explains, this place has always been about Family, Recharging and Nature — the beach is breathtaking.  My drive up and back was relaxing.  I stopped at a waterfront restaurant and enjoyed an amazing view and a delicious meal.  My friends were chill and fun.  My room was cozy.

I spent a weekend completely at peace.  The Hunter fucked me silly before I left.  I wish I had taken my vibe, but that’s OK.  The walls might be a little too thin for that.  LOL.

The weekend was the perfect buffer between ending Maggie & Co. and starting my new job.  I had a full day at home to shop and cook before starting my new job.  I felt fully prepared and eager to get going.

As I sat on the beautiful beach, I prayed, “May God grace me yet again with the opportunity to correct my mistakes and begin again.” Then I enjoyed a walk down the beautiful beach.  I was already in heaven….

Beach Selfie

Beach Selfie

Peace

Good morning! My friends who have dragged me along as their third wheel are playing golf this morning. This leaves me with a precious morning of privacy.

I’ll write more about the trip later. It’s been magical for me to return to a place that holds so many happy memories.

I will slowly be unlocking bits and pieces of my blog. I don’t like having it hidden. I like having people read and follow me. Just be patient and I’ll open it back up. Except maybe the juicy bits like my topless photo. We’ll see. No hurry.

Cleaning Out My Closet

This weekend I was cleaning out my office and going through boxes of photos & crap in an effort to get rid of more stuff.

Mission accomplished. One huge bag of shredded papers and junk tossed. Lots of paper recycled, a box of books donated, 3 boxes mailed to Taz (one was her wedding dress), etc., etc. It was a long, vastly productive weekend.

The first day was a bit slow as I went through boxes of photo albums and I came across boxes of old letters both from my mom’s stuff and my stuff. My mom’s correspondence was interesting. Letters from my dad (post-divorce), my grandparents (both sides), my mom’s sister and more.

At the beginning, when my parents separated and my mom moved 3 hours away to go back to school, my dad wrote a couple of nice, warm letters to her. He missed his kids. Then something must have happened and the tone shifted.

My mom always thought he had been having an affair with my stepmom. Maybe. Later on my stepmom wrote some nasty letters to my mom calling her a slut & accusing her of keeping us kids for the child support money.

My grandparents sent letters about me being unhappy, personal loans that needed to be repaid to them.

I came across one lovely letter from my brother raking me across the coals for not sending my dad a birthday card. I was 13, he was 17. Mind you this is now the brother that has nothing to do with any family member.

It was boxes of evidence of the dysfunctional family I grew up with. Then I found 4 shoe boxes full of letters from friends and family to me.

One poignant letter stood out. It was a draft that I never mailed to a boyfriend. I had picked up and bolted across the country after my first year of college to rejoin my mom and awful stepdad. They had encouraged me to do this. My letter was about what an awful mistake I had made. My stepdad was drunk, nothing was they had represented. I was struggling to figure out my options including joining the military. I had burnt my bridge with my dad so returning wasn’t an option.

I stopped reading the letters. I don’t have the emotional capacity or time for them right now. I want to read them though because they contain information I have long forgotten.

My dad is sending me two more boxes of such memories including my long lost yearbooks and diaries. Oh boy, there is gonna be some interesting stuff there.

For now, I am putting it all aside. The past is the past. I want to focus on the future.

joanna-kosinska-44214-unsplash

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

Do the Right Thing

I had a situation today that happens in my world more frequently than I care to admit.  I had to fall on the sword and give up the ability to get paid so my client can get what they want.  It’s not a lot of money, so that doesn’t really bug me, although I’ve put about 8-10 hours of work into this.  What bugs me is that my client is held hostage until I agree to the ransom.  What bugs me is I have documentation to the terrorist clearly stating my intentions.

I provided the necessary release and told the terrorist that they were cowards for refusing to talk to me directly.  OK, I didn’t call them cowards, but I did call them out for refusing to communicate directly with me.  I took the high road in a very professional manner.  My client was grateful.  I told her that I was thankful that we met and that she should always consider me a resource.

I don’t have negative emotional energy to waste on this unhappy terrorist who thinks that screwing me out of less than $3,000 is the right thing to do.  I have Karma behind me and she has been showing me her magnificent self each and every day.  Now, it’s approaching 5:00 on a Friday, so I am going to have a lovely cocktail soon. Namaste!

vitchakorn-koonyosying-686009-unsplash

Wait, What?

I have a couple of those “Wait, what?” moments already this week.  One is my pipeline of money.  What is going to get paid and what won’t.  I have no idea at this point.  Actually I have the conservative approach and the “maybe, just maybe” approach.  Who knows?  I certainly don’t at this point, so I keep just trudging forward.

The Hunter has made some decisions about our relationship and what it will look like over the summer.  He wants to be simply friends and have me help him with his business.  He sat down with his attorney (who I introduced him to) and they discussed the fact that I still own 25% of his company.  Yeah, the company that is about to start churning out some serious profits.

He has offered me a Promissory Note of a nice chunk of change that I wasn’t expecting.  I found his offer to be very fair.  Let’s see what the Promissory Note says and if I actually get the money.  I can always use the tax write-off.

Next up, he wants to move out of the bedroom and take over my office as his bedroom.  I am fine with that, surprised, but fine.  This means that I have to pack up my office almost immediately.  To that end, I went on Offerup and got a bunch of boxes so I can start packing.

He gently asked me this morning how I was feeling about it all.  I said that I am processing it, but I’m fine.  I have known that all this change was coming, but it is coming faster than I anticipated.  It’s OK.  I asked for this, so I have to roll with it.

The Hunter wanted to cut our romantic ties because he believes that I am seeing someone or am interested in someone else.  “When my gut tells me, I listen,” he said.  I think, like most men, he prefers to think that there is a competitor rather than a complete rejection of the relationship.  I guess it makes it easier to swallow.  For the record, another man is the furthest thing on my mind.  I have so much more to be thinking about.

My friggin’ professional organization has turned into a cesspool of bickering women.  Ugh.  I am setting up the June event even though I won’t be there.  I should have that settled up by the end of the week and then they can go fuck themselves.  I am putting together an amazing presentation with top-notch speakers.  Ha!  I figure I would go out with a splash.

I have been shopping the past two days.  I bought some new slacks and a casual blazer to spice up my wardrobe.  I don’t think I have bought new work clothes (except for my Target interview suit) for over a year.  The new job is a “business casual” environment but as women, what the heck does that mean?  I will dress more professionally than most, but I prefer that.  I hauled my favorite work shoes to the cobbler for an overhaul and got three new pairs from DSW just to add some fun to my tootsies.  That should hold me for now.

Next up, I’m heading to the dentist for a long overdue cleaning.  I have to change my air filter in the car and get my tires rotated.  I have to call the IRS and get my payment program set up.  For some reason I cannot make their online portal work.  Sigh.  I can’t decide if the dentist or the IRS is the worse thing I’ll do this week.  LOL.

I have meetings scheduled with two clients so I can pass the baton.  I am telling them a partial truth (or partial lie – your pick) by saying that I am starting a very large project in another city that will be taking me away from them.  This will allow me to scoot back to them if needed.  Internal agreements with my replacements are being signed.

There are a lot of spinning plates right now, but I find myself working half days.  I get up in the morning and attempt to push my projects forward, then I take the afternoon off to run errands.  It’s nice.  I don’t feel stressed.  I’m ready to start my new chapter.  I am NOT looking forward to packing, but it has to be done.

Hopefully the Hunter and I continue on this cordial path of uncoupling.  Hopefully the folks I’m giving my business to will remember to treat me well.  Hopefully this job is the dream job I wanted.  Hopefully the pot of money is bigger than my conservative estimate.  I got lots of hope.  Lots.

hoan-vo-799881-unsplash

Photo by Hoan Vo on Unsplash

Is It Me?

The Hunter and I had a candid conversation this morning before coffee.  Never my best time, but I soldiered through.  Basically we talked about what will happen when we are no longer living together.

Initially when we discussed the separation a couple of weeks ago, he thought that we would be seeing each other once or twice a month while maintaining an exclusive relationship.  Then he realized from what I was saying, that in my mind that would not be the case.  This morning we discussed what I thought our relationship would look like which I see as more of a FWB situation.

He’s not too into that, so in his mind, when I move out, it’s over.  Kaput.  And I’m OK with that too I suppose.  It’s been interesting because I see his control issues popping out here.

Then as we drove over the park for our morning walk with the Kracken, he said that the reason for all of this is me.  I’m not happy.  I’m not happy with myself.  He said that he hasn’t changed from the moment we met, so he knows it’s not him.  It’s me.

I ruminated on that and I have been thinking about it.  It didn’t make me upset, but it did make me reflect on that point because that’s what my Ex said.  That the problem was me.  And perhaps it is.  It’s my over-eagerness to compromise too much and too quickly leaving me unhappy with the results.  It’s my unwillingness to speak up for myself and set firm boundaries.

I don’t want to live with a guy who is messy, selfish and immature at times, like the Hunter can be. I don’t want to live with a big, tough dog.  I don’t want to not be able to cook my own food when I want and how I want.  I don’t want to have a guy who doesn’t like the same restaurants that I lean towards.   I don’t want to have a guy who doesn’t like my friends.  I’m batting 1000 on that front — neither my Ex nor the Hunter likes my friends.  WTF?

So at the end of the day, it is me.  It’s my inability to pick the right guy.  It’s my over-eagerness to want to be loved, accepted and chosen even if that person isn’t right for me.  It’s my nervousness about being alone.  I told the Hunter that I need to be alone for awhile.  He is a staunch advocate of being alone and the self-discovery it brings.  He agreed that I needed some time to reflect.

That is what I will do.  Work very, very hard and spend some time better getting to know Maggie.  Who is she and what does she want?  I think she’s a very complex creature.  I can’t wait to discover more about her.

cody-black-327733-unsplash

Photo by Cody Black on Unsplash

Tag Cloud