"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for the ‘Personal Growth’ Category

Monday Morning

sharks

 

My BFF sent that to me during my slump, which I think we can go ahead and say it was some type of depression.  Anyway, that quote sums up how I need to go about starting my week.

I jumped out of bed this morning, started laundry, cleaned the floors, wiped down the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, and spent 15 minutes enjoying my breakfast, coffee & great book.  Here it is 9:15 and I’m at my desk (still in pj’s) and about to crank up the week.

I really do feel better.  This weekend I moseyed around stores just browsing without a strong need to buy anything.  I bought three dresses for work and leisure and two shirts.  The deal I struck with myself since I have a NO MORE CLUTTER/STUFF rule, was that I could get those things, but I had to get rid of more than I was bringing in.  I now have two small bags of about 10 items ready to be donated.  The Hunter chuckled at that.

We are getting excited about our vacation next week.  I’m not sure 10 days is enough for me, but that’s OK.  We are staying at my parent’s second home so I can always hang out either longer or at another time.  Now, enough blogging, time to get to work and make some $$ and be a FUCKING SHARK!!

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Photo by Florian Klauer on Unsplash

 

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Money Well Spent

My previous landlord is a bitch.  She always wants an argument and let’s call her what she is:  a bully.  I went over to the old place to walk thru it with her boyfriend.  Since she always provokes drama, somehow he thankfully got her to agree not to be there.  We went through it and he had two additional items he wanted fixed immediately because they have a new tenant moving in over the weekend.

Wait a minute — a new tenant?  My lease is through the end of the month and they never cancelled the remaining portion of my lease so that hussy thought she was going to get rent from the new folks plus my already-paid rent?  Not so fast, Sweet Cheeks.

I sent off an email requesting payment of that rent and the fireworks began.  They made ridiculous damage claims, allegedly called the police to say I had no right to enter the property and basically told me to shut up and do as I am told.  I was burning up — so upset.  The Hunter was telling me to stand up for myself as I was about to cave and just settle for my full security deposit. I was physically uncomfortable and stressed.

Then it dawned on me as I had a flashback to the fourth grade.  I was being bullied just like I had been in the fourth grade.  I had a woman bullying me and belittling me.  Fuck that shit.  I’m too smart for that, so what to do, what to do?

I realized that I needed an advocate — someone to fight my fight without my emotional baggage and with hard, cold facts.  I need an attorney.  My Ex is an attorney but he has made it clear that although we are civil, I get no more free advice from him.  I know a bunch of attorneys but quite honestly I was a bit embarrassed and didn’t want to call in a favor on this petty issue.

I had gone on a legal website to research this whole issue and saw that my instincts were right — I needed to act now before the tenant moves in and yes, I am more than entitled to the money.  From that site, I selected a lovely female attorney, former badass military.  For a very well-spent $250 she wrote an eloquent letter telling my bully that she was WRONG and oh, so WRONG and that we would SUE THE SHIT OUT OF HER which will end up costing the hussy more $$ in legal fees, etc.

I forwarded the letter/email on to the Hunter with a note:  “Hear that sound…it’s the landlord’s head exploding….”  Hehehehe, now I’m back to having fun.

angry woman

Photo by Gabriel Matula on Unsplash

Dammit – Be Grateful!

I’m cranky this morning and felt myself spiraling into a funk.  This time I refuse to sink into it and I’m fighting it.  I have so much to be grateful for — the week was a good one, even though a vicious migraine attempted to undermine me.  Here’s the good stuff:

  • Met two potential new clients and they are both lovely people
  • I had a fabulous send-off lunch with Robin who starts her new job next week.  She is happy, grateful and on the path to stability and great success.
  • Work is going well
  • The Hunter has taken over all dealings with our landlord (actually her boyfriend) and they get along great.  I am amazed at how much relief this have given me.
  • My daughter and son-in-law arrive next week so we’ll have some beach days followed by my son’s graduation.  I’m excited to see everyone.
  • I have figured out a couple of extra income gigs that won’t bring in a ton of $$ but at least they will be fun.  I’ll start in June once we are settled.  Now is not the time to add too much to my plate.

The things that have me anxious:

  • Money — it’s always about money with me right now.  I have lots of debt and not too much income coming in for now.  I haven’t been able to confront my fears by sitting in front of the computer and calculating it all out.
  • My computer is about to take a gigantic crap which has lead me to having to buy a new one today (more debt ugh).  OK, I should be grateful that this laptop has survived 8 years with virtually no issues and I should be grateful that I qualified for an interest-free loan to buy the new one and the Hunter is paying for both my laptop and his new one.  We are going cheap– we don’t need to launch a rocket with our computers, so cheap is fine.  Yes, I researched and figured out what would work.
  • Job search is flat — and it’s my fault.  Actually I can’t say that.  I have to send my resume to someone.  I had a lunch with someone who is being recruited by the same firm recruiting me to set up an office in this area.  It’s interesting, and I like the guy, but why do I need this firm?  He has the same thoughts also.  I’m having a meeting next week with their recruiting partner who is coming to town.  I guess I should be grateful to my coach for the referral and to these folks for finding me interesting.

It really helps me to write this shit out because then I can sit back and say, “OK, Maggie, calm the fuck down.”  I have had some stinkin’ thinking this morning about how poorly I have managed my career and that once the Hunter’s career shifts into stable prosperity he is going to dump my fat ass, that my ass is fat and I need to get my shit together and STOP EATING.  Yeah, I am fighting the funk, but these are the things flying around on broomsticks in my brain.

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Photo by MARK ADRIANE on Unsplash

The Hunter & I

The Hunter and I are in a good place these days — I think.  When he left for his hunting trip, he ended up turning around and coming back a couple of hours later.  He realized that he left me with a lot of things to do and by delaying the trip by 48 hours, he would be able to lend a much-needed hand.  I was grateful.

His return meant we could both look at the rental that we ended up taking.  It meant that he could deal with our current landlord’s BF and man-2-man they could arrange a walk-thru without the bitchy ladies getting into a pissing match.  Sorry, I know that sounds misogynistic, but it’s true.  I can’t stand my landlord and even a simple text pisses me off.  I guess my immaturity is related partially to her communication style and also to my green-eyed jealousy and indignation that I’m forced to rent and this bitch owns the place free & clear and uses my rent money to take awesome vacations.  Grrr.  Yeah, I’m a brat, but at least I recognize it.

The Hunter and I have had a few brief conversations about my need to control situations — particularly when I’m stressed or feeling out of control.  It’s been a bit of a revelation for me, but I’m appreciating the insight.  I asked him to speak up when I start down that path and we settled on a word:  Chuleta which means pork chop in Spanish.  Weird, but it’s a funny word and noticeable.  He forgot about using it until I reminded him and now he’s back on track.

I asked him about his pot-smoking yesterday.  It was an interesting conversation because I asked him if he was smoking during the week.  He said, “What you want to know is if I’m doing what I said I would do”.  I said yes, but that he was evading the specific question I wanted answered.  We danced around that for a minute or two — he said, “chuleta!!”  We laughed and he said that he was only smoking on weekends except for his hunting trip and 4/20.  That’s when we talked about my controlling nature and I reminded him to use “chuleta” because I needed the hint.  Before this conversation, which was in the kitchen after breakfast, I thanked him for doing the dishes earlier.  I’m remembering to appreciate the positive things he does to make our life better.

We have a lot on our plates these days.  He got a lovely call from the IRS — a legit call because they didn’t have our current address.  He’s being audited for a tax return I helped him with.  No bueno.  Add that meeting to our May To Do list.

We are talking about our careers.  He is thinking about adding a part-time job to his current consulting gig.  I’m thinking about the changes a 9-5 gig in a real office will do to me.  For the record, I think it would be positive even though the rebel in me wants to run around without a schedule.  I think structure is vastly needed in my life.

I saw a picture of me from when the Hunter first met me.  It made me sad.  I was 30 pounds lighter.  I need to figure out my health situation, make a plan and stick to the plan, but I’m hesitant to add that to my plate.  More walking and healthy choices shall have to suffice for now.

For now, the Hunter and I are a study of domestic focus.  We have a garage sale, a move, a rental clean-up and more ahead of us.  We snuggle and have the occasional morning fuck, but the wild flames that consumed us in beginning are now smoldering embers.  I’m OK with that right now, but I wonder if the Hunter is.  When his buddy joined us for the garage sale and we were sitting under a tree talking shit, I saw the Hunter’s eyes light up as his buddy talked about a bisexual conquest.  When I asked him later if he was jealous, he scoffed.  Do I believe him?  Maybe.  I should take him at his word, but I also think I could do more, but then don’t we women always think we should be doing more?

 

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CHULETA!! Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Me in a Nutshell

Today has been a bad day. I’ve spent the past hour sobbing out of aniexty, frustration, fear, anger — name a nasty emotion and it probably raced through my body. Throw in a sprinkle of jealousy and a heap of hopelessness. Sob.

This article is very interesting. I took this quiz

https://drmargaretrutherford.com/how-to-know-if-you-experience-perfectly-hidden-depression-a-questionnaire/

and was top of the class. My achievement for today.

My follow-up suggested reading is this article:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/panic-life/201603/3-steps-acknowledging-your-perfectly-hidden-depression

Let me lick my wounds and get some rest. I have to keep moving forward.

It’s Not My Imagination

As I have talked to other women of my generation, I am struck by the gender and age discrimination that we are facing.  At first I thought it was  anecdotal, but then I hit good old Google and found that there is scientific research confirming this bias.  Well, doesn’t that just suck?  So all you younger ladies gather round while good, ole Maggie rains on your parade.  Actually, I think it’s better that you hear about this now so you can plan accordingly.

First up, check out this article in the Harvard Business Review which cites a study by economists at the University of California at Irvine and Tulane University  that found “robust evidence of age discrimination in hiring against older women.” The data show that it is harder for older women to find jobs than it is for older men.

Then you have this article from Forbes.  My favorite is this article from Next Avenue because at least she gives you some tips on how to fight back.

I have fallen victim to the siren song of “Forget about corporate America and just go be an entrepreneur”,  Yeah, that’s not so easy either because how about this:  according to this video by Working Nation, 47% of the jobs we have today will be obsolete in the next 20 years.  I’ve already felt this and agree with much of what is in the video.  Fascinating and well-produced, by the way.

My conclusion:  I’m not imaging things.  No wonder my business development efforts have been difficult.  No wonder my job search will be long.  Now I have to whip myself into shape.  I’ve been to the optometrist to get my contact lens prescription updated.  Up next is the dentist.  Hair, check.  Next up — some serious weight loss steps.  I have my informational interview next week with my old colleague.  I found some other things to pursue. One step at a time…

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I better have another cup of coffee….. Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

 

 

End of an Era

This week my little Lhaso Apso passed away.  Rather, I had to take him to the vet and be put to sleep.  Let’s talk about that first and then I’ll dig into my emotional shit relating to him.  He was diagnosed 1-1/2 years ago with a large lung tumor.  How he lived this long is anybody’s guess, but he continued on with some coughing, but for the most part he was status quo.  Dogs are resilient creatures — he didn’t know he was terminally ill, so he just continued being who he is.  May we all be able to do that…

Over the past two months his decline sped up.  He lost more weight, coughed a bit more, couldn’t jump up on the couch without help.  The end was coming.  The Hunter, who was never fond of him, felt bad for him and finally told me this week that it was time.  He told me that by delaying the inevitable,  I was pissing him off.  That woke me up because he was right.  I just wanted to avoid the whole situation.  The poor dog stopped eating and was sleeping most of the time — these were the necessary signs the vet told me about.   I promised to resolve it within 24 hours and I did with the Hunter by my side.

We went to the vet with the little guy wrapped up in a cozy blanket.  He had been snuggling with me quite a bit over the past couple of weeks, more than usual, so perhaps he knew his time was drawing to a close.  Anyway, the vet was a little busy because I was unexpected and they had some type of emergency.  This meant we had to sit in the waiting room for about 15 minutes.  No big deal until some friggin’ busybody walked in with her yappy dog.

She looks over at us and says, “Is your baby going to sleep?”  Are you fucking kidding me?  I should have snapped some reply of minding her own business, but I simply nodded.  This apparently granted her permission to launch into a whole monologue about putting her other dog to sleep a couple of months ago and her yappy dog’s current ailment.  Like I cared.  I stared at her in disbelief that she felt like she could drone on and on.  Staff was appalled and scooted us into a room as quickly as possible.  Too late.

Anyway, the process was quick and when we left, I blazed past her still in the waiting room with no words, no looks.

This dog was my mom’s dog.  Actually he was given to her by her dog boarding place because he had been taken away from his first owner who neglected him.  He was the perfect old lady dog — great companion, snuggled with you every time you sat down.  He loved a walk, got along with every dog he met and charmed every person.  At home, I always saw him as some little old Asian man that chose not to understand us when it was convenient for him.  He always pretty much did what he wanted.  The Hunter and I discovered that he was a phenomenal camper — he loved it and would chill in the hammock with me.  Stellar companion.

I promised my mom as she was dying that he would always have a home with me.  I fulfilled that promise and he ended up living with me longer than he did with her.  It struck me a bit hard because this was a living reminder of my mom and that is now gone.  He was the last responsibility of my old life — in the past two years my cat passed, then the horse and now him.  No more responsibilities (the Kracken doesn’t count since he is the Hunter’s).

My kids were lovely and sympathetic.  The Hunter was fabulous.  He went with me, held my hand, drove me home and got me my favorite pizza and fed me the best chocolate dessert in town but left me alone to mull it all over.

I feel free but also a bit adrift.  With the job search/change, moving homes, income worries — it is all a lot to process.  I talked to Taz this week about most of it and she was supportive and empathetic. She confessed that her hubby has some job uncertainty, so they are battening down the hatches and preparing for big changes as well.  They will be fine because they are attacking the issue head-on.  2018 is proving to be quite a year. Oh yeah, my uncle is in hospice and I’ll soon have a funeral to add to my schedule.  Let’s see in the next 8 weeks I will be:  finding a new place, packing and moving, going to my son’s graduation, the Hunter will be off hunting for a week, possible funeral, job search, work….. you might not be hearing much from me….

dog

Not him, but his doppelganger…RIP

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