I’m back in the saddle again
I’m back in the saddle again
This post could also be entitled: Don Juan – Now you see him, now you don’t.
Don Juan arrived back in town and we made plans for a nice dinner on Tuesday. However, he arrived in town really sick with a fever, so he cancelled. I was very disappointed, actually pissed off, because I waited all day (meaning incommunicado in order to push him to initiate) and then he cancelled at 6:30. My girlfriend was more forgiving than I because she thought the last minute cancellation signaled that he was trying to keep our date up until the last minute. Even though I had just gotten out of the shower, I promptly went to the gym and for a non-runner, I tore through 3 miles in less than 40 minutes which included a 5 minute warm up. Yes, I know that illness is a valid excuse and not something that he can control, but I was annoyed.
We re-scheduled for Thursday night, but he warns me that he still isn’t up to speed. He asked if we could just get some take-out and have a quiet dinner at my place. That was fine, and I actually made dinner because, well, I felt like being nice. He arrives on time and empty handed. First strike. Seriously, you haven’t seen me in about two months and I am cooking dinner for you. You walk in with…nothing but a smile on your face? Grab some flowers and make an effort.
It was a very good dinner. I heard all about his trip, the wedding, the holiday because I asked. We talked about the book he had recommended and I had read. The conversation flowed. One thing he talked about a lot was the Family Constellation that they did the night before the wedding. Oh boy, if you aren’t familiar with them, get ready for some trippy New Age stuff. I have a pretty interesting and busy life, but his trip topped my life completely. From the sounds of it, he had an incredible time with his family. Kudos to him.
After dinner, we sat on the couch and talked some more. He began talking about his 2015 goals of more outdoor exercise. He wants to do more biking, swimming and running (the latter depends on his knees holding up). Then he tells me that he will be traveling a lot with more time spent in his second home and his home country. As a matter of fact, he flew out on Friday back to his home country for 10 days.
I asked him jokingly where we are going. He told me that I am impatient. He said it gently, and I told him that I am working on that, however, I need to have my expectations managed better. He stayed about two hours, but we had no sex, nothing. He didn’t want to get me sick. I could see that he was running out of steam. When he was leaving, he held me tight. We just stood in a long embrace. I snuggled under his chin. He held me close. And that was it.
He left and I sat down thinking, “What the fuck?!” My immediate reaction was to realize that I am an insignificant part of his life. I felt marginalized, compartmentalized. I was incredibly sad and confused. At first, I didn’t know what to think. I was at a complete loss for words, so I just sat down and wrote down all my random thoughts and feelings about the evening in an effort to sort things out.
I have been mulling this over and reflecting with friends since Thursday night. One astute friend nailed it. Don Juan is an “in the moment” guy. He enjoys the connection in that moment and then he’s off to something else. I had my awakening while he was gone and his feeling that he doesn’t have to communicate with me if he’s with his family. That’s a wakeup call if ever there was one. He has no plans to change his communication style.
I need to forget him. I need to move forward with my life and let him fit in if possible. I can’t wait. I can’t be in limbo. He moves to the bottom of the pile. If he surfaces and I want to fuck him, great. But otherwise, I must let go. This can’t continue with me waiting. His plans will be in a constant flux due to work. I am done being the one chasing. I deserve better.
Once again I feel like I am the hopeless romantic with over-sized expectations. But I also realize that this experience is part of the process. It keeps things in perspective and I must learn these lessons. It’s the only way I’ll grow.
My high-school guy friend summed it up, “Dang. Well, you are hot enough and savvy enough to restock.”
From Don Juan I have learned that I want and deserve to be is Number #1. In all these situations with married men, I am a sidebar, a diversion. I want to be front and center. I need to recognize what someone else told me, “There is a world of men out there dying to be close to someone like you.” I need to continue my journey and put myself in situations so those guys can find me.