"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

Sex is Good

My sex life has definitely perked up lately.  Now that the stress of moving, money, the IRS, fighting with the old landlord and other stressors (as if that all wasn’t enough) have faded, the Hunter and I have been frisky lately.  I have to give the man a lot of credit — he is creative.

He is enamored with the oversized bathtub in our bedroom.  I bought him a big bag of Epsom salts and he’s blissful.  After a long day of work/errands/chores, he enticed me to join him.  I lit some candles, put on some music and we sank into a delicious soak….and then a delicious fuck because of course he wanted to try out EVERYTHING with the bathtub.  I love the man’s spontaneity and creativity when it comes to sex.  It was a fun evening.

Something on his To-Do list is to fuck on the stairs — we haven’t gotten to that.  But we have tried out the daybed (great) and the new master bedroom (awesome).  I am so grateful that he puts the time and energy into keeping things fresh.

That’s all for now.  I have a journal full of random thoughts, so I’ll try to get some of them into the blog.  Life is good.  We are both busy and excited about our upcoming vacation.  More on that later also.  Ciao for now!

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Photo by Robb Leahy on Unsplash

 

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The Hunter & I

The Hunter and I are in a good place these days — I think.  When he left for his hunting trip, he ended up turning around and coming back a couple of hours later.  He realized that he left me with a lot of things to do and by delaying the trip by 48 hours, he would be able to lend a much-needed hand.  I was grateful.

His return meant we could both look at the rental that we ended up taking.  It meant that he could deal with our current landlord’s BF and man-2-man they could arrange a walk-thru without the bitchy ladies getting into a pissing match.  Sorry, I know that sounds misogynistic, but it’s true.  I can’t stand my landlord and even a simple text pisses me off.  I guess my immaturity is related partially to her communication style and also to my green-eyed jealousy and indignation that I’m forced to rent and this bitch owns the place free & clear and uses my rent money to take awesome vacations.  Grrr.  Yeah, I’m a brat, but at least I recognize it.

The Hunter and I have had a few brief conversations about my need to control situations — particularly when I’m stressed or feeling out of control.  It’s been a bit of a revelation for me, but I’m appreciating the insight.  I asked him to speak up when I start down that path and we settled on a word:  Chuleta which means pork chop in Spanish.  Weird, but it’s a funny word and noticeable.  He forgot about using it until I reminded him and now he’s back on track.

I asked him about his pot-smoking yesterday.  It was an interesting conversation because I asked him if he was smoking during the week.  He said, “What you want to know is if I’m doing what I said I would do”.  I said yes, but that he was evading the specific question I wanted answered.  We danced around that for a minute or two — he said, “chuleta!!”  We laughed and he said that he was only smoking on weekends except for his hunting trip and 4/20.  That’s when we talked about my controlling nature and I reminded him to use “chuleta” because I needed the hint.  Before this conversation, which was in the kitchen after breakfast, I thanked him for doing the dishes earlier.  I’m remembering to appreciate the positive things he does to make our life better.

We have a lot on our plates these days.  He got a lovely call from the IRS — a legit call because they didn’t have our current address.  He’s being audited for a tax return I helped him with.  No bueno.  Add that meeting to our May To Do list.

We are talking about our careers.  He is thinking about adding a part-time job to his current consulting gig.  I’m thinking about the changes a 9-5 gig in a real office will do to me.  For the record, I think it would be positive even though the rebel in me wants to run around without a schedule.  I think structure is vastly needed in my life.

I saw a picture of me from when the Hunter first met me.  It made me sad.  I was 30 pounds lighter.  I need to figure out my health situation, make a plan and stick to the plan, but I’m hesitant to add that to my plate.  More walking and healthy choices shall have to suffice for now.

For now, the Hunter and I are a study of domestic focus.  We have a garage sale, a move, a rental clean-up and more ahead of us.  We snuggle and have the occasional morning fuck, but the wild flames that consumed us in beginning are now smoldering embers.  I’m OK with that right now, but I wonder if the Hunter is.  When his buddy joined us for the garage sale and we were sitting under a tree talking shit, I saw the Hunter’s eyes light up as his buddy talked about a bisexual conquest.  When I asked him later if he was jealous, he scoffed.  Do I believe him?  Maybe.  I should take him at his word, but I also think I could do more, but then don’t we women always think we should be doing more?

 

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CHULETA!! Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash

Why Did We Break Up?

Let’s peek behind the curtain of my relationship with the Hunter and reveal some of the hidden truths (and some of the recent insights and changes that have taken place over the past several days since our break-up).

At the onset of our relationship, I had some niggling questions about the Hunters’ attraction to me. My lifestyle was a nice improvement for him. I did ask myself if this street savvy guy saw an opportunity to improve things with a lonely woman.

The answer at the time was I was OK with that. He wanted to take care of me and went out of his way to do so. I felt loved and taken care of, but over time the red flags began accumulating. I did not confront these head on and we have been discussing these issues more openly now. What, do you ask?

He’s not social. OK, I’m no social butterfly, but when we got together I was good about keeping my calendar mostly full with outings. We don’t’ really have the same interests and even though he didn’t care if I went out, I allowed my calendar to grow empty. That’s on me, I will take ownership of that.

His pot-smoking. I have written about this in the past, but a self-professed pothead is never going to have enough fire in the belly to achieve a decent success in his career. He likes a 30-hour work week. He doesn’t have a desire to push. He hasn’t felt pressure to make more substantive contributions to the house and I have been shouldering the burden alone.

This topic has been much more openly discussed over the past few days. He has apologized profusely and is taking immediate steps to correct this. He has stopped smoking pot and we are taking that one day at a time. I realize that it’s a very difficult habit to quit, but I am proud of him and relieved that he loves me enough to immediately stop. We both realize that we both may have drug tests in our future, so we need to have a very clean household.

He has apologized for being lazy (his words) and he is changing up his schedule so that he is more active in his work. Once I had the courage to open up and bare all my feelings about finances, work, etc., he has stepped up like a real man and has promised to contribute more. We talked about the balance of housework along with my frustration of being both the breadwinner and the major housekeeper.

The Kracken showed me his Red Flags of selfishness and failure to compromise. He had told me this would be a 45-lb dog. The Kracken is 85 lbs. That dog destroyed my patio furniture, shoes, living room sofas and the list goes on. We talked about his typical reaction to my entreaties of help around the house, dissatisfaction with our situation, the dog, etc. The Hunter has been doing what he wants to do with no apologies and little discussion. His typical reaction has been one of “that’s simply the way it is” and not discussing any form of compromise.

This Red Flag came up again as I explained I applied for a job out of state and he emphatically said he wouldn’t move with me and I was creating the end of our relationship with that type of move. I said that it was only an application, too soon to make that type of statement. He backtracked and we were able to talk about it along with sussing out his reactions when he doesn’t agree with something.

On my side, I compromised too much and too soon. I did not stand up for myself more. I did not open up to the Hunter about all the turmoil going on inside my head. Examples of over-compromising include: moving before he passed his 90-day probation; I let him move in too quickly – we probably should have considered dating more before that big a move and I agreed to that damn adorable puppy too soon.

I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m moody at times and I tend to keep my turmoil bottled up. In my childhood and marriage, showing my feelings only provided ammunition for my “loved ones” to use against me. I’m not much of an initiator when it comes to sex – I much prefer someone else to take the lead. I know that the Hunter has made some compromises when it comes to our sex life. He is too much of a gentleman to give specifics, but he has hinted at this. I know that if it becomes a deal breaker, he will let me know. We have discussed a couple of things that I am addressing on my side.

It’s time for me to really sit and think and be open about my feelings. The Hunter is a good man. He’s smart and perceptive. He has been nothing but loving and supportive as we unpack how our relationship fell off the rails and how we neglected it. We both have areas to improve upon. I’m glad I reached out to my therapist. I need her in my corner as I freak out, recover and move ahead. Today I feel like I’m headed in the right direction. Time will tell.

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Words to Live by :: Photo by Ty Williams on Unsplash

Then a Right Hook

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Photo by Hermes Rivera on Unsplash

The Hunter broke up with me. Rather he questioned our relationship status, opened the door of breaking up and I stepped through it. Our relationship had not recovered from my coffee with Don Juan. He suspected that I was seeing the guy and his trust evaporated.

Actually the subterfuge that he sensed (and he is a very astute man) is my dissatisfaction with our relationship and my shift to making plans to end the relationship. I went back to my therapist last week to has through things and figure out if I am, in fact, done or if I want to mend things.

Yes, I know that he’s reading this, but I now have no secrets. No secrets of any sort. We have had some long, meaningful discussions of our relationship and how it ran off the rails. There have been quite a few tears shed and they continue to fall from both of us.

I am fragile right now. I feel broken and lost for the most part. Yesterday was hard, today is a bit better, but still tears are below the surface and ready to erupt at any moment.

Here is what I know about the Hunter. He truly loves me. He really does. He accepts me for me. He is profoundly sorry for the pain that he has caused me. He has looked inside and seen how he has contributed to some of the problems in our relationship. He has proven to me that I can talk to him about anything and that I should have been doing this all along. I didn’t open up about the true extent of my work struggles and when I did, it made us both teary. I’m teary just writing all of this.

I don’t know the next step. I do know that big changes will be taking place. Oh and that asshole of a client who was the catalyst for my introspection – he has offered a full apology. He also completely misread the entire situation.

The Hunter Returns

The Hunter had been out of town for almost a week.  He was out in the woods freezing his tuckus off.  I stayed behind to work both on Maggie & Co and around the house.  I got the tree set up (quite lovely if I do say so myself) and went to a bunch of networking BS.  When he first left, I got really anxious.  Anxious about work, money — my  usual triggers. I had a migraine when he left and it stayed with me for two days.  Lovely.  I was glad he was gone because I was not fit to be around.

Then the headache lifted and I decided it was time to get my shit done.  I got the house cleaned up and then listened to Christmas music for about 10 hours straight.  I decorated the tree, wrapped some gifts and found my spirits lifting.  It was lovely.  I feel much better even though today my accountant’s bookkeeper sent me an estimated tax bill that is 3x what I was expecting.  I gulped down two glasses of wine and some chocolate to keep myself under control.  I’ve asked for more information — I’m sure there has to be a mistake for a number of reasons.

Anyway, enough BS about day-to-day life.  The Hunter returned a day after my Son arrived for his winter break.  Son and I had a lovely dinner together to get caught up on his life.  He is one semester from graduating and we are discussing his next step.  I never had to worry much about Taz’s next steps — it was more school, more training and the choices were more about where rather than what.  My Son now has to think about both what and where, so it’s a completely different conversation.  He has ideas and is on the right track, so I’m not too worried about him.

The Hunter arrived home and it was so good to feel his arms around me.  I needed his hug.  He was exhausted and crawled into bed a couple of hours later.  I joined him a couple of hours afterwards (7:00 pm bedtime is a bit too early for me).  He instantly wrapped me in his arms and held me close.  It was divine.  I needed it.  Then he turned me over to fuck me lovingly and thoroughly.  We fell asleep with his worn-out dick still in my pussy.  It felt so good.

I am at peace.  Even with the work stress, I am OK.  Nervous — yes, a little, but I know that I’ll be OK.  I’m not happy to be in such a shitty financial predicament, but I have no one to blame but myself, so I better put my head down and work hard.  I have had these cycles before, but I had a husband who earned more so the pressure wasn’t so intense.  Now that I am responsible for all my living expenses, I have to be an Amazon.  I feel confident.  I am fierce.  Look out 2018 — Maggie’s gonna kick some ass.

Aftermath

After inserting my foot very firmly in my mouth and not realizing that the Hunter has been reading along with all of you, it’s time to explain the aftermath.  The Hunter was hurt and angry (rightfully so) for the full-on blindside I delivered.  We have talked about our relationship, sex life and cleared the air on a number of things inside of our relationship.  Those things will stay inside our relationship and we have come out the other side intact, but we both have things that are still be digested individually.

The Hunter feels betrayed and lied to.  He thinks I have been deceptive.  Perhaps I have been, however, I will also say that confrontation has never been a strong point with me.  I need to do a better job of sussing out my feelings and separating the crazy aspect from the legit part. This blog is a part of that process and I think he now realizes that.  I am chalking part of my rant up to my crazy regarding holidays in general.  I’ll write some more about it as I process more.

On my side, I need to think about how I feel knowing, without a doubt, that the Hunter is an avid reader of my blog.  He is gracious, open and understanding about it.  He says I am a complex woman and this is his best way to understand what is ruminating around in my brain.  I respect and admire him for accepting that part of me.  I am difficult to understand and I make no bones about it.  Hell, half the time I have no idea what I truly think about tough issues.

But now how will I write?  Will there now be a bit of an internal censor knowing that one of you Dear Readers shares my life and my bed with me?  Will I go back to my brain dump and continue my ruminations?  Time will tell.  One thought I had was to password-protect sensitive posts or just leave them marked private so they aren’t published, but I don’t know if that’s the answer.  Is concealment a form of deception or just an omission of kindness?

As I have watched Ann St. Vincent go through the hell of being outed, it reminds me that there are many people who aren’t open-minded enough to understand what blogging means to many of us.  For non-writers/bloggers, they don’t understand our compulsion to put our thoughts on paper/screen in the wide open internet.  I do it so I have a snapshot of my brain processes.  The blogging/writing process coupled with reader comments helps me remember context and specific situations, release anxiety and tension and a host of other reasons.  Some of my stories cannot be shared with friends and family in the real world, but I feel the need to tell/share them.  This gives me that needed outlet.

In any event, I am back to writing, the Hunter is back to reading and life goes on.  That’s enough for today.

Dear Hunter

My Love,
Technology can be cruel and I apologize. I had no idea that my blog pops on your tablet whenever a post goes up. You have had a front row seat of my innermost thoughts for many, many months.

As we had discussed at the beginning of our relationship and during this two counseling sessions, my blog is how I process. It’s my inner mental journey, so you have seen my secrets while I have not seen your innermost thoughts.

I know I have caused you hurt and I am deeply sorry. You are a kind, wonderful man who treats me only with respect and kindness. It breaks my heart to see you angry and hurt because of me. I don’t have answers.

Do I ask you to radically comprise to fit what I want? Is that fair? We both agree that we aren’t staying in this house when the lease is up, but what’s next? What about the Kracken? I believe we have an obligation to him. We got him, he stays. I will just have to suck it up.

Now you just left having told me that in your mind we are officially over. I’m heartbroken. You are in so much pain because of me and I am so very sorry. I do love you. You have brought joy to me and I am causing you pain.

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