Do you ever feel overwhelmed? I have been feeling that lately. I am sitting at my desk trying to figure out how to eat an elephant and quickly. What should I be doing? What is the most productive use of my time? Why do I feel like I’m simply banging my head against the wall of business development?
I’m busy, thankfully, but these are quick projects that will soon be over. Now is the time I need to double down and focus on finding my next paycheck. Lately I have been having doubts. Should I keep doing this? Should I just fold up Maggie & Co to join a big corporation for the steady paycheck? Am I even employable? My work is hard. I fight for the business, then I fight to execute the business, then I fight (sometimes) to get paid. That’s a whole lot of fighting for someone who is a lover, not a fighter.
I have not been helping myself any because I continue my quest for the Holy Grail of business development. I am not doing myself any favors in this crusade because all I am finding is that old saying, “Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one”. Everybody has their method (often with a price tag attached).
One thing I know for sure – I need to be in front of people. I made the mistake of taking a cool frenemy to some networking events with me. I adore her – she’s fun and a really good friend, BUT…. bringing her means I have brought my competition with me. I had the rude double slap in the face last week of someone that I have been trying to meet being at the event. I knew his company and details of some changes that means he needs my services. I had been trying to reach him (OK, not stalking, but I had reached out several different ways to no avail at this point). Not only had he selected someone 3 weeks ago from a referral source, BUT, then he turns to my GF and says, “too bad because I would love to work with you”. HELLO – I AM STANDING RIGHT HERE AND I’M THE ONE TRYING TO MEET YOU. Ugh. I went back to the bar.
It’s those types of rejections that beat me down. Look, I understand that I have a niche profession. I understand that not everybody needs my services now or sometimes ever. That’s fine. I get it. But when I have a fish swimming around in front of me, I really want it to grab MY damn bait not someone who doesn’t even have bait in the water!!
Back to work….20 more outreaches and I can end this day’s painful business development efforts. I have to be more optimistic and positive—BLEH. That reminds me of the story about the two little boys being tested on their optimism. One little boy was put into a room full of new toys to play with – he sat and cried, refusing to touch any of the toys. He was too afraid he was going to break them. The other little boy was put in a room full of horse poop. When they checked on him, he happily was shoveling it around. They asked him what he was doing, and he replied, “With all this poop in here, there is bound to be a pony somewhere under it all.” I need to be that boy and go find my pony. Giddy-up!
Hi Hunter! Yes, he is reading my blog and yes, things erupted after he read my previous post. Sigh. I need to trust him more and realize that honesty is the best policy when it comes to our relationship.
As we snuggled this morning, post wake-up fuck, he murmured that our relationship took a hard hit from this last kerfuffle. I agree. We are sleeping in separate beds, but enjoying the good night’s sleep that comes from not sharing the covers (him) or loud snoring (me) of a loved one. I can stay up and read. He can go to bed super early. But are separate beds healthy for our relationship? Pros and cons. Pros and cons.
Apparently we are part of a bigger trend — people who have the balls to say, “I love you, but I really want a good nights sleep so go somewhere else”. USA Today and Huffington Post cited a study that cited 25% of couples sleep separately. I honestly don’t mind the separate beds these days because I have been sleeping like a baby. The Hunter feels the same — my snoring isn’t bothering him and waking him up. Will this continue? Perhaps off and on. I do enjoy when he jumps in bed with me in the morning for a snuggle and a fuck.
As for our relationship hit, that’s a story for another day.
I put up a challenge on LinkedIn that I want to connect either in person or by phone/email with every LinkedIn connection I have. That’s a daunting goal since I have over 1,200 connections. One of the first people to rise to the challenge was Don Juan who invited me for a coffee.
We met and talked about business the entire time. I introduced him to a consultant who had done some great workshops for me. He told me about a new piece of business his firm is developing and it was all work, no fun. We both made it very clear from the get-go that we now have a friendship. I told him about the Hunter, he told me about his family. The past is firmly in the past.
I didn’t tell the Hunter. I did tell him that I was having coffee with a connection. Was this a lie of omission? Perhaps, but I knew that I had no interest in Don Juan and I was sure that feeling was mutual because we met for coffee. No drinks, no dinner — just a 30 minute coffee, so why would I create some drama when there was none to be had? Or perhaps I’m just lying to myself and I should be willing to withstand any confrontation that could occur.
In any case, in my mind it was just an interesting coffee. I can check him off my LinkedIn list and continue down the list of 1100+ to go…..
Work has started off with a bang and I am happily quite busy this week. It’s almost 11:00 and I’m still at the computer. No complaints there. Anyway, a quick update to say that life is just fine down here. The Hunter and I had a great holiday break. I’ll write something about what a kid that man is when it comes to presents. We went camping and it was chilly but we got back before the big freeze. Now I’m ducking and looking out for frozen iguanas falling from trees. You folks up north may have snow, ice and all that mayhem. We have to look out for frozen invasive reptiles. It’s kind of a reptilian zombie apocalypse.
Anyway, I started kickboxing as my new exercise routine and I absolutely love it. I have never been any type of an athlete, but this speaks to me. It is great for my body and my brain. My brain has to remember the punch/kick combinations and my body is sweating up a storm. Plus I must say that this franchise has it’s shit together with an active Facebook group, a personal note mailed to me after I joined, lots of hashtags, selfies, contests, encouragement. I feel like I just joined a new tribe.
I’ll try to write some more this weekend, but for now just know that I am freezing my tuckus along with everyone else — nothing in South Florida is built for cold weather. We don’t have the clothes either. Brrr, I need to go snuggle up with the Hunter.
After inserting my foot very firmly in my mouth and not realizing that the Hunter has been reading along with all of you, it’s time to explain the aftermath. The Hunter was hurt and angry (rightfully so) for the full-on blindside I delivered. We have talked about our relationship, sex life and cleared the air on a number of things inside of our relationship. Those things will stay inside our relationship and we have come out the other side intact, but we both have things that are still be digested individually.
The Hunter feels betrayed and lied to. He thinks I have been deceptive. Perhaps I have been, however, I will also say that confrontation has never been a strong point with me. I need to do a better job of sussing out my feelings and separating the crazy aspect from the legit part. This blog is a part of that process and I think he now realizes that. I am chalking part of my rant up to my crazy regarding holidays in general. I’ll write some more about it as I process more.
On my side, I need to think about how I feel knowing, without a doubt, that the Hunter is an avid reader of my blog. He is gracious, open and understanding about it. He says I am a complex woman and this is his best way to understand what is ruminating around in my brain. I respect and admire him for accepting that part of me. I am difficult to understand and I make no bones about it. Hell, half the time I have no idea what I truly think about tough issues.
But now how will I write? Will there now be a bit of an internal censor knowing that one of you Dear Readers shares my life and my bed with me? Will I go back to my brain dump and continue my ruminations? Time will tell. One thought I had was to password-protect sensitive posts or just leave them marked private so they aren’t published, but I don’t know if that’s the answer. Is concealment a form of deception or just an omission of kindness?
As I have watched Ann St. Vincent go through the hell of being outed, it reminds me that there are many people who aren’t open-minded enough to understand what blogging means to many of us. For non-writers/bloggers, they don’t understand our compulsion to put our thoughts on paper/screen in the wide open internet. I do it so I have a snapshot of my brain processes. The blogging/writing process coupled with reader comments helps me remember context and specific situations, release anxiety and tension and a host of other reasons. Some of my stories cannot be shared with friends and family in the real world, but I feel the need to tell/share them. This gives me that needed outlet.
In any event, I am back to writing, the Hunter is back to reading and life goes on. That’s enough for today.
Technology can be cruel and I apologize. I had no idea that my blog pops on your tablet whenever a post goes up. You have had a front row seat of my innermost thoughts for many, many months.
As we had discussed at the beginning of our relationship and during this two counseling sessions, my blog is how I process. It’s my inner mental journey, so you have seen my secrets while I have not seen your innermost thoughts.
I know I have caused you hurt and I am deeply sorry. You are a kind, wonderful man who treats me only with respect and kindness. It breaks my heart to see you angry and hurt because of me. I don’t have answers.
Do I ask you to radically comprise to fit what I want? Is that fair? We both agree that we aren’t staying in this house when the lease is up, but what’s next? What about the Kracken? I believe we have an obligation to him. We got him, he stays. I will just have to suck it up.
Now you just left having told me that in your mind we are officially over. I’m heartbroken. You are in so much pain because of me and I am so very sorry. I do love you. You have brought joy to me and I am causing you pain.
Thanksgiving was interesting. The Hunter went into a full scale anxiety attack that made us an hour late to Taz’s hotel and ended the day with a “no more holidays ever” declaration. It was a big test of my patience & understanding.
Today is a big outdoor hang-out day with Taz, her inlaws, probably my Ex and his GF but the Hunter has flat out stated he isnt going. He wants to head to the woods with the Kracken.
Let’s back up and run thru the day quickly. I had made my desserts the night before. I sensed he wasn’t in a good place when he didn’t pop out to get me aluminum foil last minute. He usually is great about that. Instead he took a shower & fell asleep on the couch. It wasn’t a big deal and I took care of the 15 minute errand. This was just a “hmmm” monent.
When we woke up on TDay, he told me he was full of aniexty. I hugged him, reassured him that we could skip his sister’s if it was too much. He had run out of pot, so he scampered out to pick up a platter for Taz’s gathering and some pot. This made us late. He called me when we should be packing the car and he was still 45 minutes away and he still needed a shower.
He was trying to create drama. “Go without me so you aren’t so late, I”ll drive separately.” Nope, our festivities were 45 minute drive. I hugged him tight, told him I would wait and we finally left together. I texted Taz explaining his panic attack.
The day was great. Everyone was warm, loving and fun — at both Taz’s and his sister. I drank a little, smoked a little and was loose and relaxed. My head was in a happy place. He choose to see his demons. He refused to participate in his sister’s tradition of everyone briefly giving thanks for the good in their lives. He left the room..and me.
Our drive home was mostly silent. Barely any chatter of the who, what, where of a 10-hour day. Even now on the morning after I sit alone.
I got home and climbed into bed almost immediately. He smoked a little more, came to bed, woke me up to fuck me good. It was lovely but it didn’t put aside the doubts that are forming in my mind. Is the season of the Hunter approaching its end?