"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Changes Abound

I have been meaning to write about the upcoming changes that will be occurring in the next two months. I have found a new place that I absolutely love and have passed the application phase, so I am just waiting for my lease.  I can walk to a bunch of stores including Target. I am 10-15 minutes from my beloved beach and only 15 minutes from work.

I have been busily figuring out what will fit and what won’t. I am incredibly excited about the place.

Then we have the Hunter.  I truly have mixed feelings.  I want him in my life, but I don’t want to live with him.  Does this make sense?  I want to have my own space, my own free time.  He snorts and says I just want his “pinga”.  Maybe, but I also enjoy the intimacy of having someone to chat with and share day-to-day stuff with.

However, I am so over living with him and the Kracken.  Both are messy.  Both destroy my belongings.  I want to cook certain things and he doesn’t like those things.  He keeps crap in the refrigerator and freezer that I don’t like and we should just toss out anyway.  When I am home in the evening, we don’t really spend time together.  I scrounge up something to eat and he sits outside all evening smoking a cigar.  I live in a place where I would never invite anyone over because it’s a mess and has no sofa or seating for guests.

Having said all that, the Hunter treats me with respect always.

But I can’t afford the place where we live.  I can’t afford to be the primary breadwinner, nor do I want to.  It has been four years and I am still the primary breadwinner and by a long shot.  The lease and utilities are in my name.  Over the four years, if I add up the direct $$ I have given him, the things I have bought him (clothes, laptop, 2 cell phones, etc.), the furniture & other things he and the Kracken have destroyed, I am over $40,000 over the past four years.  Probably closer to $60,000.  I am not as generous and giving person as I like to think I am because I am a bit resentful about that.  A smidgen.

Yes, he has made a promise to pay me back about 25% of that and he is paying me for the work I am doing for him now.  But….I am broke and I need to get my financial house back in order first and foremost.  I am 55 years old and I need to be focused on retirement planning, not debt reduction.  I have $40,000 of debt between the IRS and credit cards.  Add in my car and we are over $50K.  I can’t live with that weight on my shoulders.  I don’t want to.

I have a plan and with the little bit of income Maggie & Co. has generated, I should be able to put the debt behind me by the end of 2020.  I’ll explain more about that in another post.

I imagine waking up in my new, cozy apartment designed by me, for me and I am so excited.  Yes, I will need to buy a few things, but these will be frugal purchases.  Space will be limited because my grandmother’s dining table is taking up some valuable real estate, but the buffet will become my TV stand and the corner china cabinet is too adorable to say good-bye.  I have been laying things out on a scaled plan and it looks like a roomy love seat may be my best option.  That’s fine with me.

I am ready for my next chapter.  But first I have quite a bit to do:  get my son back from Asia and off to school inside of a week; help the Hunter launch his new, lucrative consulting gig and pack.  Lots of packing.  All of this has to happen in about 45 days.  Wish me luck.  You probably won’t hear much from me until I get to the other side…

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Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Comments on: "Changes Abound" (9)

  1. This is all really intriguing to me because after two years of living with my partner whom I initially was so deeply enamored by (off-the-charts sex, etc), with it almost immediately turning into me supporting him, me being the primary breadwinner, I, too, long for there to be some kind of detangling so I can get back to the business of living my life. It has really taken a toll on the passion and chemistry between us, to say the least, but I still care deeply for him and only want the best for him. I really applaud you for being able to make your way out to a more empowered place, with or without the Hunter. Will you become financially independent, other than him paying off whatever debt you agree he should pay, other than you maybe doing some work for him, or are you still expected to support his household to some degree?

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s interesting that you are in a similar situation. When we stop living together, he understands that he will be financially on his own. He says that he is an adult man and I shouldn’t worry about him. Is some of that bravado? Perhaps, but he’s right. He does need to take care of himself. I will be rapidly course-correcting my finances by being frugal, the new job, the money from Maggie & Co and a loan from my whole life insurance policy. All of those things should reset my finances, but it’s a lot and I should have been smarter with my money over the past several years.

      I had dinner with a GF and she too is in the same boat of supporting her lover. She is at her wit’s end because he gambled away his savings and now relies on her. “Don’t these men have any pride?” she exclaims. “Does it even register with them that they should be pulling their weight?”

      I have been frustrated with a man who has no health insurance, little to no savings, refuses to get a steady job or work hard at the consulting gig and smokes pot heavily every day. It doesn’t work for me. I can’t live with that every day. I refuse to continue being his safety net. I’m done. I wish him nothing but love and happiness and I hope that we can be FWB. Time will tell.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I would be curious to know more about how you worked with yourself and then the Hunter to get to this place. There is clearly good blood between the two of you, in spite of the disentangling you have done. I’ve been able to read some of the backlog on your blog, but if you have favorite posts, would there be a way to bookmark those for me? Either here, or you can write me at izzypas at geemail dot com. When you have time! I know you have your hands full. No rush. I am trying to take my time with sorting this out.

        Liked by 1 person

      • You can read any of it with the password journey. I’ll look thru and see what resonates with what you are asking ….

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Maggie, your clairty on this is really inspiring. There must be an epidemic because I know at least three other women supporting their male spouses; working, running the household, and if there are kids, doing everything for the kids, while the spouse externally manifests depression (and maybe substance abuse) but internally is adamant that the world doesn’t value or remunerate his talents. I think it’s timely that I tuned back into your blog as I contemplate how I will move out of my situation. I used to think my picking up the slack at home was generous an an act of love, but I also see that by doing so, I enable my partner to underfunction. He has internalized that as miserable as it purports to make him to not be a provider, there is no consequence for being otherwise. The soul reaps the suffering, but depressed and underfunctioning people have a super-human tolerance to pain. Instead, my partner dives into dating (we have an open relationship that I act on, too) and pot (yeah, that, too). Dating is an escape for him, and a way to diversify the pool of people who step in and rescue him, and not surprisingly, the women who stick around have the care-taking sickness, as well. What’s rough is that there is a part in everyone that wants this to change, he especially. But, it wont happen as long as I give him and his kids a rent-free home, pay the utilities, and his ex-wife pays for the kids. Ex-wife and I both have two jobs, by the way. I am coming to terms that the most loving thing to do might be to stop rescuing him. It would be certainly the most self-loving thing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s so easy to say it, but taking action is hard. I was at this same point last Spring when we moved to this current place. I was depressed and unhappy with my living situation. I wanted to separate, but he persuaded me to give us a second chance. This past year solidified my decision to live apart. Nothing has changed, and I want my freedom even if it costs me the relationship.

      It is our time as strong women to be selfish. To care for our well being first and potentially at any cost. Only then will we be happy with our lives… that’s my 2 cents.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I haven’t been reading lately but going back through now.

    I can understand this. I don’t ever want to be in that position again supporting someone and it’s really tough to make the change from full time partner to part time partner but I think it will give you a major sense of peace. You’ve been fighting against this instinct for a long time – I’m so glad you’re making the move.

    Being alone 5 years now, I even question ever having anyone in my space again. I know I like the idea and desire it greatly, but I don’t know how well I would do with those small things that add up to resentment.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am not sure I’ll live with someone again. If I do, I have to have my own bedroom or a king size bed at a minimum 😉. I definitely need my space!

    Like

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