"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Is It Me?

The Hunter and I had a candid conversation this morning before coffee.  Never my best time, but I soldiered through.  Basically we talked about what will happen when we are no longer living together.

Initially when we discussed the separation a couple of weeks ago, he thought that we would be seeing each other once or twice a month while maintaining an exclusive relationship.  Then he realized from what I was saying, that in my mind that would not be the case.  This morning we discussed what I thought our relationship would look like which I see as more of a FWB situation.

He’s not too into that, so in his mind, when I move out, it’s over.  Kaput.  And I’m OK with that too I suppose.  It’s been interesting because I see his control issues popping out here.

Then as we drove over the park for our morning walk with the Kracken, he said that the reason for all of this is me.  I’m not happy.  I’m not happy with myself.  He said that he hasn’t changed from the moment we met, so he knows it’s not him.  It’s me.

I ruminated on that and I have been thinking about it.  It didn’t make me upset, but it did make me reflect on that point because that’s what my Ex said.  That the problem was me.  And perhaps it is.  It’s my over-eagerness to compromise too much and too quickly leaving me unhappy with the results.  It’s my unwillingness to speak up for myself and set firm boundaries.

I don’t want to live with a guy who is messy, selfish and immature at times, like the Hunter can be. I don’t want to live with a big, tough dog.  I don’t want to not be able to cook my own food when I want and how I want.  I don’t want to have a guy who doesn’t like the same restaurants that I lean towards.   I don’t want to have a guy who doesn’t like my friends.  I’m batting 1000 on that front — neither my Ex nor the Hunter likes my friends.  WTF?

So at the end of the day, it is me.  It’s my inability to pick the right guy.  It’s my over-eagerness to want to be loved, accepted and chosen even if that person isn’t right for me.  It’s my nervousness about being alone.  I told the Hunter that I need to be alone for awhile.  He is a staunch advocate of being alone and the self-discovery it brings.  He agreed that I needed some time to reflect.

That is what I will do.  Work very, very hard and spend some time better getting to know Maggie.  Who is she and what does she want?  I think she’s a very complex creature.  I can’t wait to discover more about her.

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Photo by Cody Black on Unsplash

Comments on: "Is It Me?" (4)

  1. I think it’s very good to get his candid opinion. And not be negative to it. And analyze it (as you are doing!) objectively. But remember, it is only a perspective, not a 360 degree total view.

    Learn, and set the course for improving your next relationship.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. i’m finally catching up! Wow, what a journey you have been on, and The Hunter has been your hiking buddy on the Walk of Life for so much of it. I have so much to say but want to focus on one aspect; The Hunter saying that this is all on you. That he hasn’t changed, but that you have. Ok, at first read, this really irks me, maybe because it hits really close to home. I once had a partner tell me that if I had problems with the relationship, well, that was all on me, because he was doing his part, loving me 24/7, and to him, that was enough, even if he was angry, controlling, jealous, etc. That was over a decade ago, that relationship is over and done with, but looking back on it, what I see is that my partner at the time not only shrugged off any responsibility, but was quite likely incapable of introspection. Like, he couldn’t even see what he brought to the table because to him, the way he was worked for him. I guess there’s a certain honesty to that, in that if someone is incapable of growth, it’s more honest if they can admit that (even if they phrase it as “I don’t need to grow. I’m fine the way I am.” Best to move on. In your case, and I guess that this is common to many relationships, at first, when things were more passionate, The Hunter did make a better effort to *meet you*; sure, in hindsight, there were red flags, but you both wanted to transcend them. Then complacency settles in and our old habits, the ones that make us less hospitable to our loved ones, show, as you say, their true colors. Anyway, in all of this, I hope you didn’t feel like whatever frustration or unhappiness you felt at this time was all on you. It sounds like at this juncture The Hunter is/was not curious anymore about being introspective, at least, in better understanding how his behavior impacts you. He is not interested in growing. I mean, that’s ok. You’ve come to your own terms that you are done with your enmeshed relationship and you are starting to thrive for deciding to move on. and congratulations.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow – thank you for your insights. I re-read this post and I think it’s right. I do over-compromise for others. I need to learn to set better boundaries. Right now I am so eager to once again live on my own that I can hardly wait. I actually am doubtful I will ever co-habitat with a lover again. I think that I want my own space both physically and mentally forever. Big bold words – it will be interesting to see how that declaration stands the test of time. I do know I am done taking care of others!! Another bold declaration. Time will tell…

    Like

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