The Hunter and I had a candid conversation this morning before coffee. Never my best time, but I soldiered through. Basically we talked about what will happen when we are no longer living together.
Initially when we discussed the separation a couple of weeks ago, he thought that we would be seeing each other once or twice a month while maintaining an exclusive relationship. Then he realized from what I was saying, that in my mind that would not be the case. This morning we discussed what I thought our relationship would look like which I see as more of a FWB situation.
He’s not too into that, so in his mind, when I move out, it’s over. Kaput. And I’m OK with that too I suppose. It’s been interesting because I see his control issues popping out here.
Then as we drove over the park for our morning walk with the Kracken, he said that the reason for all of this is me. I’m not happy. I’m not happy with myself. He said that he hasn’t changed from the moment we met, so he knows it’s not him. It’s me.
I ruminated on that and I have been thinking about it. It didn’t make me upset, but it did make me reflect on that point because that’s what my Ex said. That the problem was me. And perhaps it is. It’s my over-eagerness to compromise too much and too quickly leaving me unhappy with the results. It’s my unwillingness to speak up for myself and set firm boundaries.
I don’t want to live with a guy who is messy, selfish and immature at times, like the Hunter can be. I don’t want to live with a big, tough dog. I don’t want to not be able to cook my own food when I want and how I want. I don’t want to have a guy who doesn’t like the same restaurants that I lean towards. I don’t want to have a guy who doesn’t like my friends. I’m batting 1000 on that front — neither my Ex nor the Hunter likes my friends. WTF?
So at the end of the day, it is me. It’s my inability to pick the right guy. It’s my over-eagerness to want to be loved, accepted and chosen even if that person isn’t right for me. It’s my nervousness about being alone. I told the Hunter that I need to be alone for awhile. He is a staunch advocate of being alone and the self-discovery it brings. He agreed that I needed some time to reflect.
That is what I will do. Work very, very hard and spend some time better getting to know Maggie. Who is she and what does she want? I think she’s a very complex creature. I can’t wait to discover more about her.