"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for May, 2019


Good morning! My friends who have dragged me along as their third wheel are playing golf this morning. This leaves me with a precious morning of privacy.

I’ll write more about the trip later. It’s been magical for me to return to a place that holds so many happy memories.

I will slowly be unlocking bits and pieces of my blog. I don’t like having it hidden. I like having people read and follow me. Just be patient and I’ll open it back up. Except maybe the juicy bits like my topless photo. We’ll see. No hurry.

The End is Near

Today is the last day of Maggie & Co.  I am wrapping things up, turning over projects to friends and generally tying up the loose ends as best I can.  Just in time for vacation.

I feel great.  OK, my mouth is a little sore from my dentist installing a crown yesterday.  I love my new dentist, as much as one can love an inflicter of pain.  She told me I was a queen and she was just giving me the crown I deserved.  Then she and her staff made sure I was comfy, pain-free, played the music I wanted and generally nurtured me into submission.

I had lunch with Robin this week.  She is well.  We are planning for her to visit me when I move in the Fall.  It was a happy get together.  She agreed that I am so fortunate to be handed this opportunity to hit the Reset button.

My Son broke up with his girlfriend.  I’m relived about that.  She wasn’t the One for him.  Sorry, but she wasn’t.  He feels bad about it, but also relieved.  I think breaking up with someone when you are literally halfway around the world provides some guilt.

I wonder about how this new job will work out.  I’m excited for it.  It seems to have a great culture.  I’ve been reading a couple of books that tackle the issues I will be confronting with these folks.  It’s fascinating and I’m full of ideas.  I know, I know, I have to sit back, watch, observe and learn more about these folks before I jump in with my ideas.  I’ll be patient.  I promise.

I told the Hunter that my plan for at least the next two years is simple:  WORK, Exercise, Rest.  That’s it.  My BFF loved this — very simple.  But it’s true.  I want to work both with the new company and any side hustle I create, so I can pay off all my debt and be financially stable.  I want to exercise because I am perilously close to my all-time high on the scale.  So disappointing.  I’ll write more about the food issues.  Rest because everybody needs to recharge.  Rest may include some play, but rest to recharge both mind and body.

So the end of Maggie & Co as we know it is upon me.  It will still be around because I need the corporate entity for the side hustles, but not the way I envisioned it.  That’s OK, I am much happier with my future.


Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash




Cleaning Out My Closet

This weekend I was cleaning out my office and going through boxes of photos & crap in an effort to get rid of more stuff.

Mission accomplished. One huge bag of shredded papers and junk tossed. Lots of paper recycled, a box of books donated, 3 boxes mailed to Taz (one was her wedding dress), etc., etc. It was a long, vastly productive weekend.

The first day was a bit slow as I went through boxes of photo albums and I came across boxes of old letters both from my mom’s stuff and my stuff. My mom’s correspondence was interesting. Letters from my dad (post-divorce), my grandparents (both sides), my mom’s sister and more.

At the beginning, when my parents separated and my mom moved 3 hours away to go back to school, my dad wrote a couple of nice, warm letters to her. He missed his kids. Then something must have happened and the tone shifted.

My mom always thought he had been having an affair with my stepmom. Maybe. Later on my stepmom wrote some nasty letters to my mom calling her a slut & accusing her of keeping us kids for the child support money.

My grandparents sent letters about me being unhappy, personal loans that needed to be repaid to them.

I came across one lovely letter from my brother raking me across the coals for not sending my dad a birthday card. I was 13, he was 17. Mind you this is now the brother that has nothing to do with any family member.

It was boxes of evidence of the dysfunctional family I grew up with. Then I found 4 shoe boxes full of letters from friends and family to me.

One poignant letter stood out. It was a draft that I never mailed to a boyfriend. I had picked up and bolted across the country after my first year of college to rejoin my mom and awful stepdad. They had encouraged me to do this. My letter was about what an awful mistake I had made. My stepdad was drunk, nothing was they had represented. I was struggling to figure out my options including joining the military. I had burnt my bridge with my dad so returning wasn’t an option.

I stopped reading the letters. I don’t have the emotional capacity or time for them right now. I want to read them though because they contain information I have long forgotten.

My dad is sending me two more boxes of such memories including my long lost yearbooks and diaries. Oh boy, there is gonna be some interesting stuff there.

For now, I am putting it all aside. The past is the past. I want to focus on the future.


Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

The Tax Man Cometh

I called the IRS this week so I can begin the process of paying my back taxes.  I had tried registering on the on-line system, but it didn’t want anything to do with me.

After waiting on hold for one hours.  Yes, one hour during which I took a shower, dried my hair, shredded some papers, cleaned out some files and other mundane tasks.  I finally got a real live person on the phone. Mr. L with a badge number.  Very official.

The reason I couldn’t do the online is that the IRS doesn’t have a record of my 2018 tax return.  He wasn’t surprised by that because April 15th had only recently passed and they were still loading returns into the system.  Then he said that they don’t have my 2017 return.  Hang on, Mr. L.  I sent that via my accountant as an e-return on time.  Nope, we don’t have it.  Uh oh.

I proceeded with politeness and asked him what I needed to do.  Do I have a fax machine?  No.  Do I have access to one where I could fax the return while on the phone with the IRS?  Um, not nearby, I would have to call back.  Mr. L says I could mail the missing returns in or fax them.  I ask for the address because I figure mailing may be easier for me.  I also get a more direct line than the phone tree labyrinth I successfully navigated.  I knew I couldn’t accomplish that a second time.

Now I have a record with the IRS.  They have opened a file on me.  They have notes in the system stating that I have promised to call back by such and such date with either an update or I’ll be standing beside a fax machine.

I called my accountant whose reaction was, “WTF”.  I had to swing by his office today to sign some stuff so he can sign and we can send the duplicate returns to the address provided.  I’m waiting for the tracking info so I can call back and sit on hold for another hour.

Now here’s the interesting part for me:  I feel no anxiety, no despair, panic or any negative emotion about this.  I just feel matter-of-fact about the need to get this fixed.  Much the same way I felt at the dentist.  Yeah, another same day task.

I went to a new dentist because the Hunter had bartered with the dentist and had a credit which covered a deep cleaning.  Yay!  With the X-rays, they found a nice size cavity on my molar and my other molar has a crack.  I knew about that crack and it’s grown since I last went to my Miami dentist.  I need a crown plus the cavity repair to the tune of $1,700 and I have no dental insurance.

I ask if we can wait until my dental insurance kicks in.  It would be 6-7 months before I would get coverage for major dental work.  I’ve already waited three years, but something told me to wait no longer.  That molar crack is now on both sides of my tooth.  If it breaks, I lose the tooth and am faced with an implant.  Ugh.

So I’m scheduled for a crown.  I really hate the dentist, but I sat there like a trooper and just endured.  My hygienist was a charming man who coaxed me through the cleaning like a champ.  I’ll be fine.  I gotta get it done –just like the taxes.  Wow, I’m being a real adult these days — that’s a new one!


Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Do the Right Thing

I had a situation today that happens in my world more frequently than I care to admit.  I had to fall on the sword and give up the ability to get paid so my client can get what they want.  It’s not a lot of money, so that doesn’t really bug me, although I’ve put about 8-10 hours of work into this.  What bugs me is that my client is held hostage until I agree to the ransom.  What bugs me is I have documentation to the terrorist clearly stating my intentions.

I provided the necessary release and told the terrorist that they were cowards for refusing to talk to me directly.  OK, I didn’t call them cowards, but I did call them out for refusing to communicate directly with me.  I took the high road in a very professional manner.  My client was grateful.  I told her that I was thankful that we met and that she should always consider me a resource.

I don’t have negative emotional energy to waste on this unhappy terrorist who thinks that screwing me out of less than $3,000 is the right thing to do.  I have Karma behind me and she has been showing me her magnificent self each and every day.  Now, it’s approaching 5:00 on a Friday, so I am going to have a lovely cocktail soon. Namaste!


I Have No Idea What’s Going On

I have no idea what’s going on today.  Money?  No idea what I will end up with.  It ain’t looking robust, but I’ll be fine.  I think Karma sent me a little reminder on why I am choosing gainful employment over this Maggie & Co. gig.  Thank you, Karma, but a little extra money won’t taint me, I promise.

The Hunter is wooing me.  He was hurt that I wanted a clean break.  He is using his favorite tool, sex, to try to win me back.  I can’t complain about that.  We still have so many months of co-habitation that my plan is to just go with the flow.

I said good-bye to two clients this week and put them in the hands of a colleague.  It’s bittersweet, but I’m glad to close those chapters.  I have one to go.  Plus many memos and follow up with these colleagues to insure a seamless transition.  Sigh.

I got on the scale and it was ugly.  Very ugly.  I really have to figure out how to plan exercise into my new daily routine once I start working.  This company works 9-hour days, 4 days a week and then 7 on Friday (including 1-hour lunch).  Add in my one-hour minimum commute each way and I’m occupied 11 hours a day.  Maybe a lunch workout?  Can I handle getting up at 5:00 to get 45 minutes in before my day starts?  My first thought is to work out after work so I can miss the rush hour, but will I be too tired?

My diet sucks.  I’m eating whatever is put in front of me and I’m not making healthy choices.  Ugh.  I have to fix that, but I haven’t really put much thought into how.  I do plan on taking lunch and I will probably also take breakfast since these days start so damn early.  That will help me get back on track.  I’ve been Pintresting  like a fiend on lunch ideas or grab n’ go breakfast ideas.

Now on the positive side, I have been working on my sleeping habits.  I have been making sure I’m in bed by 10 and up by 6.  Next week I will tweak it a little more so I’m up by 5:30.  I’ll need to leave the house by 6:30 to get to work with a little buffer in case of traffic.  I’m driving over 50 miles each way, so my goal is to be early rather than on time or late.

I am keeping myself busy every day.  I have a dentist appointment this week plus I may go ahead and get new tires so I’ll be safer driving in the summer rains.  I have my final industry networking event tomorrow night.  I’m not even sure I want to go.

I also have lots of paperwork to cull through, a call to the IRS to figure out what I owe and troubleshoot why I can’t use the online system, packing up my office or at least cleaning it out really good.  I might as well throw stuff into boxes and be done.

My future looks busy.  Very, very busy.  I hope it translates into money.  Steady, good money.


Wait, What?

I have a couple of those “Wait, what?” moments already this week.  One is my pipeline of money.  What is going to get paid and what won’t.  I have no idea at this point.  Actually I have the conservative approach and the “maybe, just maybe” approach.  Who knows?  I certainly don’t at this point, so I keep just trudging forward.

The Hunter has made some decisions about our relationship and what it will look like over the summer.  He wants to be simply friends and have me help him with his business.  He sat down with his attorney (who I introduced him to) and they discussed the fact that I still own 25% of his company.  Yeah, the company that is about to start churning out some serious profits.

He has offered me a Promissory Note of a nice chunk of change that I wasn’t expecting.  I found his offer to be very fair.  Let’s see what the Promissory Note says and if I actually get the money.  I can always use the tax write-off.

Next up, he wants to move out of the bedroom and take over my office as his bedroom.  I am fine with that, surprised, but fine.  This means that I have to pack up my office almost immediately.  To that end, I went on Offerup and got a bunch of boxes so I can start packing.

He gently asked me this morning how I was feeling about it all.  I said that I am processing it, but I’m fine.  I have known that all this change was coming, but it is coming faster than I anticipated.  It’s OK.  I asked for this, so I have to roll with it.

The Hunter wanted to cut our romantic ties because he believes that I am seeing someone or am interested in someone else.  “When my gut tells me, I listen,” he said.  I think, like most men, he prefers to think that there is a competitor rather than a complete rejection of the relationship.  I guess it makes it easier to swallow.  For the record, another man is the furthest thing on my mind.  I have so much more to be thinking about.

My friggin’ professional organization has turned into a cesspool of bickering women.  Ugh.  I am setting up the June event even though I won’t be there.  I should have that settled up by the end of the week and then they can go fuck themselves.  I am putting together an amazing presentation with top-notch speakers.  Ha!  I figure I would go out with a splash.

I have been shopping the past two days.  I bought some new slacks and a casual blazer to spice up my wardrobe.  I don’t think I have bought new work clothes (except for my Target interview suit) for over a year.  The new job is a “business casual” environment but as women, what the heck does that mean?  I will dress more professionally than most, but I prefer that.  I hauled my favorite work shoes to the cobbler for an overhaul and got three new pairs from DSW just to add some fun to my tootsies.  That should hold me for now.

Next up, I’m heading to the dentist for a long overdue cleaning.  I have to change my air filter in the car and get my tires rotated.  I have to call the IRS and get my payment program set up.  For some reason I cannot make their online portal work.  Sigh.  I can’t decide if the dentist or the IRS is the worse thing I’ll do this week.  LOL.

I have meetings scheduled with two clients so I can pass the baton.  I am telling them a partial truth (or partial lie – your pick) by saying that I am starting a very large project in another city that will be taking me away from them.  This will allow me to scoot back to them if needed.  Internal agreements with my replacements are being signed.

There are a lot of spinning plates right now, but I find myself working half days.  I get up in the morning and attempt to push my projects forward, then I take the afternoon off to run errands.  It’s nice.  I don’t feel stressed.  I’m ready to start my new chapter.  I am NOT looking forward to packing, but it has to be done.

Hopefully the Hunter and I continue on this cordial path of uncoupling.  Hopefully the folks I’m giving my business to will remember to treat me well.  Hopefully this job is the dream job I wanted.  Hopefully the pot of money is bigger than my conservative estimate.  I got lots of hope.  Lots.


Photo by Hoan Vo on Unsplash

Vacay Coming Up!

I tell you my luck continues to bless me.  This weekend my lovely daughter gave me a great massage and then my BFF took me out to a grand dinner to celebrate the new job.  It was a lovely day.

Then I got a text from another GF inviting me to join her and her hubby at my absolute most favorite beach paradise in Florida.  It will be Memorial Day weekend, my last hurrah before the job starts.  They have to tent their house for termites, so they are combining it with a weekend getaway.  I can hardly wait.

I invited the Hunter but he declined.  He doesn’t like my GF enough to want to spend the weekend with her.  Whatever.  I’ll have more fun without him anyway — I don’t want a wet blanket dragging along behind me.  But he did graciously say that he would set up the bike rack so I can take my bike with me.

This beach is where we took the kids every year at least once a year for over a decade.  It has very fond memories for me.  If I could live there year round, I would.  It is paradise for me.

It will be hilarious being the third wheel on this trip.  Fortunately my GF’s hubby is a low-key, easy-going guy who enjoys my company.  Now I have to get very busy finalizing work stuff over here.  I’m close to being done which is incredibly surprising.  A few memos to write and calls to make, but things are falling into place nicely.

Thank you, Karma.  I am a very, very lucky woman these days.  Now excuse me, I gotta start packing….


Photo by Ethan Robertson on Unsplash

Is It Me?

The Hunter and I had a candid conversation this morning before coffee.  Never my best time, but I soldiered through.  Basically we talked about what will happen when we are no longer living together.

Initially when we discussed the separation a couple of weeks ago, he thought that we would be seeing each other once or twice a month while maintaining an exclusive relationship.  Then he realized from what I was saying, that in my mind that would not be the case.  This morning we discussed what I thought our relationship would look like which I see as more of a FWB situation.

He’s not too into that, so in his mind, when I move out, it’s over.  Kaput.  And I’m OK with that too I suppose.  It’s been interesting because I see his control issues popping out here.

Then as we drove over the park for our morning walk with the Kracken, he said that the reason for all of this is me.  I’m not happy.  I’m not happy with myself.  He said that he hasn’t changed from the moment we met, so he knows it’s not him.  It’s me.

I ruminated on that and I have been thinking about it.  It didn’t make me upset, but it did make me reflect on that point because that’s what my Ex said.  That the problem was me.  And perhaps it is.  It’s my over-eagerness to compromise too much and too quickly leaving me unhappy with the results.  It’s my unwillingness to speak up for myself and set firm boundaries.

I don’t want to live with a guy who is messy, selfish and immature at times, like the Hunter can be. I don’t want to live with a big, tough dog.  I don’t want to not be able to cook my own food when I want and how I want.  I don’t want to have a guy who doesn’t like the same restaurants that I lean towards.   I don’t want to have a guy who doesn’t like my friends.  I’m batting 1000 on that front — neither my Ex nor the Hunter likes my friends.  WTF?

So at the end of the day, it is me.  It’s my inability to pick the right guy.  It’s my over-eagerness to want to be loved, accepted and chosen even if that person isn’t right for me.  It’s my nervousness about being alone.  I told the Hunter that I need to be alone for awhile.  He is a staunch advocate of being alone and the self-discovery it brings.  He agreed that I needed some time to reflect.

That is what I will do.  Work very, very hard and spend some time better getting to know Maggie.  Who is she and what does she want?  I think she’s a very complex creature.  I can’t wait to discover more about her.


Photo by Cody Black on Unsplash

A Win for The Hunter

The Hunter had a preliminary meeting with a new client last week.  This is someone I introduced him to.  Based on work he had done with a previous client I had introduced him to plus a glowing reference from that client and a vendor, the new client is eager for his services.  These are good people.  They are good people who have TONS of work for him.  This contract will make him financially stable.  Seriously.  Crazy, right?

We sat down and de-briefed his meeting.  Talked about the next steps.  He needs a detailed proposal, we have to do some work to make sure we are pricing this correctly, etc.  It’s a big fucking deal.  This is not a “if he get this” but a “when he gets this”.  He has no competition for this account.  I am so happy for him.  Not a shred of remorse about our decision to uncouple, only relief and happiness that his future is more secure.

I told him that.  I told him that one of my concerns about our uncoupling was his economic security.  He smiled and said that he is a grown 50ish-year-old man and I should have no worries regardless of the outcome of this contract.  I felt relief.

I also had a moment while we were sitting and talking about our week together, where I thought, “I’m going to miss this.”  I am going to miss that intimacy of having someone that you can tell everything to.  Someone who listens to all your stories and you know that they will keep your confidences.  That is the part of a relationship that I crave the most oftentimes.  Something to think about.  How am I going to feel being alone after a really great week with no one to celebrate it with me?  How do I fill that void?

Anyway, this contract would get me my new sofa (LOL).  It will get him off my cell phone plan.  I can be reimbursed for his laptop, phone and more.  It will help set things right between us economically, at least a little.  Wow, is Karma blessing me this year or what?

We have a lot of work before us.  I am busy closing Maggie & Co even though people are throwing business my way.  I say “yes, however..” and explain how I will be partnering with someone to complete it. New clients don’t mind.  Crazy, right?

We have to prepare his proposal and think about how he will get the work done.  In addition, he has a large volume of potential new business (smaller projects) from another source.  He needs a part-time admin, a good CPA and some part-time independent contractors to help execute it — infrastructure.  He also wants to stand on his own two feet.  My advice is acknowledged, but he wants to find his own CPA — he didn’t like mine.  He has identified his independent contractors (great choices) and we talked about the part-time admin.  He was initially thinking about going with a young college student.  I disagreed and suggested that since this will be someone working from home and very independently, perhaps a stay-at-home mom or someone older would be a better fit.  My position was that he doesn’t need someone learning on the job; he needs someone who can hit the ground running.  He agreed.

We talked about the furniture situation.  What I will take and what he can have.  It’s all coming together.  It is interesting to see how we are pulling away romantically, but our friendship and respect for one another continues.  Six more months of this weird cohabitation….


Photo by Philippe Montes on Unsplash

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