Yesterday I planned to spend the whole day knocking out my Christmas shopping. I put on a cute outfit, comfortable shoes with a small purse. I was happily ready for action! It ended up being a day of complete frustration and anxiety. Good grief. I usually enjoy it as much as it can be enjoyed.
First I went to a big department store known for coupons where I have a credit card with a zero balance. “Ah ha!”, I thought, “even though it’s not the best money management idea, I can do the bulk of my shopping here and pay it off in January when my sizable check arrives.”
The credit gods were not having it. I bought a purse for Taz that was WAY too much money, mainly because the actual designer from London was there and we had a lovely chat, so how do you walk away? I didn’t have it in me and beside the purse was cunningly beautiful. At that moment, I thought, “hey, this is manageable, because I’m using my credit card.” But then after 30 minutes, a manager, two calls to the credit department, more attempts than I can count, we all gave up in frustration, so I paid cash with a debit card. Fuck, not on the plan.
I sat down in the mall and recalled that I have a credit card with actual ample credit available. I called it to confirm via the automated system and yes, I’m right. It’s fine. So I reluctantly said, “OK, here’s my plan B.”
I left the mall and went to one that has more affordable stores, walked in to make a $20 purchase with said card and the credit gods said, “nope, not happening” and declined it.
Fuck, what is going on. In the midst of this incredibly frustrating day, I have the Hunter calling and texting me from his hunting camp where he is sitting on the porch with the Kracken on a day filled with freezing rain. Needless to say he’s bored. I have my hands full both literally and figuratively, so I’m frustrated with all the communication. He’s saying that he’s cancelling another hunting trip he’s been looking forward to so he can help more. He’s offering all the money in his bank account. He’s asking me to check the mail (that was before he realized how frazzled I was).
Don’t get me wrong. I appreciate it all because I know it comes from a place of love. I really do. I’m just really frustrated with my situation. It just really hurts that I basically have no money to buy gifts for loved ones. OK, I do have money, but the gifts will be inconsequential this year. Except for Taz’s purse. I’m torn between keeping it and returning it. It is beautiful and I saw nothing like it elsewhere. I’m still thinking about it.
I decided that today I will wrap up any remaining shopping online. That includes some citrus orders and the Hunter’s gift. What a frustrating day, but I ended it my way.
I came home, made a beautiful dinner of grass-fed steak (previous purchase and I found it hidden in the freezer the day before), stir-fry veggies and brown rice. Add in two glasses of wine and an entire container of gelato and I ate my anxiety. Then I went upstairs and had a lovely soak complete with tooth whitening & facial mask. At Target, I found a bath salt bomb called “F Bomb”. Yep, just what I needed.
Add in some loving and understanding phone calls from the Hunter and I’m OK. Not 100% happy and a bit anxious about how this will all work out, but I’m OK.
Truth be told, part of my anxiety is stemming from how our place will present to the kids this week. I mean I’m a 54-year-old woman with no living room furniture — only a day bed and a chewed up chair with crappy cushions. This is not going to play well with the kids, but whatever. Plus the backyard which I really wanted to be a zen den is dirty and a bit messy. Once again, not what I wanted to present to the kids.
Perhaps I need to lower my expectations, but I don’t want to freak out my kids. Maybe they won’t be freaked out, but this isn’t the mom they grew up with and Taz at least has a nicer place than me right now. I don’t know. I just don’t have the answers right now. It’s 8:30 am on a Sunday morning and I’m in my pj’s, no coffee yet, just a burning desire to get this written down so I can re-read it later. I think coffee will help. Coffee and a day outside so I can breathe.