After inserting my foot very firmly in my mouth and not realizing that the Hunter has been reading along with all of you, it’s time to explain the aftermath. The Hunter was hurt and angry (rightfully so) for the full-on blindside I delivered. We have talked about our relationship, sex life and cleared the air on a number of things inside of our relationship. Those things will stay inside our relationship and we have come out the other side intact, but we both have things that are still be digested individually.
The Hunter feels betrayed and lied to. He thinks I have been deceptive. Perhaps I have been, however, I will also say that confrontation has never been a strong point with me. I need to do a better job of sussing out my feelings and separating the crazy aspect from the legit part. This blog is a part of that process and I think he now realizes that. I am chalking part of my rant up to my crazy regarding holidays in general. I’ll write some more about it as I process more.
On my side, I need to think about how I feel knowing, without a doubt, that the Hunter is an avid reader of my blog. He is gracious, open and understanding about it. He says I am a complex woman and this is his best way to understand what is ruminating around in my brain. I respect and admire him for accepting that part of me. I am difficult to understand and I make no bones about it. Hell, half the time I have no idea what I truly think about tough issues.
But now how will I write? Will there now be a bit of an internal censor knowing that one of you Dear Readers shares my life and my bed with me? Will I go back to my brain dump and continue my ruminations? Time will tell. One thought I had was to password-protect sensitive posts or just leave them marked private so they aren’t published, but I don’t know if that’s the answer. Is concealment a form of deception or just an omission of kindness?
As I have watched Ann St. Vincent go through the hell of being outed, it reminds me that there are many people who aren’t open-minded enough to understand what blogging means to many of us. For non-writers/bloggers, they don’t understand our compulsion to put our thoughts on paper/screen in the wide open internet. I do it so I have a snapshot of my brain processes. The blogging/writing process coupled with reader comments helps me remember context and specific situations, release anxiety and tension and a host of other reasons. Some of my stories cannot be shared with friends and family in the real world, but I feel the need to tell/share them. This gives me that needed outlet.
In any event, I am back to writing, the Hunter is back to reading and life goes on. That’s enough for today.