The Hunter had been out of town for almost a week. He was out in the woods freezing his tuckus off. I stayed behind to work both on Maggie & Co and around the house. I got the tree set up (quite lovely if I do say so myself) and went to a bunch of networking BS. When he first left, I got really anxious. Anxious about work, money — my usual triggers. I had a migraine when he left and it stayed with me for two days. Lovely. I was glad he was gone because I was not fit to be around.
Then the headache lifted and I decided it was time to get my shit done. I got the house cleaned up and then listened to Christmas music for about 10 hours straight. I decorated the tree, wrapped some gifts and found my spirits lifting. It was lovely. I feel much better even though today my accountant’s bookkeeper sent me an estimated tax bill that is 3x what I was expecting. I gulped down two glasses of wine and some chocolate to keep myself under control. I’ve asked for more information — I’m sure there has to be a mistake for a number of reasons.
Anyway, enough BS about day-to-day life. The Hunter returned a day after my Son arrived for his winter break. Son and I had a lovely dinner together to get caught up on his life. He is one semester from graduating and we are discussing his next step. I never had to worry much about Taz’s next steps — it was more school, more training and the choices were more about where rather than what. My Son now has to think about both what and where, so it’s a completely different conversation. He has ideas and is on the right track, so I’m not too worried about him.
The Hunter arrived home and it was so good to feel his arms around me. I needed his hug. He was exhausted and crawled into bed a couple of hours later. I joined him a couple of hours afterwards (7:00 pm bedtime is a bit too early for me). He instantly wrapped me in his arms and held me close. It was divine. I needed it. Then he turned me over to fuck me lovingly and thoroughly. We fell asleep with his worn-out dick still in my pussy. It felt so good.
I am at peace. Even with the work stress, I am OK. Nervous — yes, a little, but I know that I’ll be OK. I’m not happy to be in such a shitty financial predicament, but I have no one to blame but myself, so I better put my head down and work hard. I have had these cycles before, but I had a husband who earned more so the pressure wasn’t so intense. Now that I am responsible for all my living expenses, I have to be an Amazon. I feel confident. I am fierce. Look out 2018 — Maggie’s gonna kick some ass.
We went out to breakfast and passed by a franchise of a massage place. There has been a flurry of lawsuits and accusations of sexual misconduct by various masseuses in various locations of this particular franchise in my neck of the woods. I told the Hunter about it and he laughed because he already knew that franchise was notorious.
“Wait a minute, it was male masseuses that were accused”, I explained. He commented that he had come across females willing to provide a happy ending. “Wait, what — there, not an Asian massage parlor?” Yes there, he tells me.
“I was never offered a happy ending,” I pout. He laughed again — they will never offer he explains. You have to ask. “How the heck do you ask?” You throw down $100 on the table. “Seriously — you are just messing with me,” I squeal. Nope, it’s the truth.
The Hunter explains his slick tactic. He tells the girl that she works hard, she’s pretty and offers to give her a massage. He gets her on the table and gives her a massage. His crotch happens to be right at her head as she is face down….and he ends up with a blow job. That’s one strategy. He has others….
I am speechless. “Seriously — you have done this? It’s that easy?” He laughs and says yes. He says so many of these women and sex workers he has come across are so abused both verbally and physically that as soon as he is nice to them, they are more than accommodating. They will date him if he wants, provide freebies all because he schmoozed them with his sexy voice and gentle words.
I have known from the beginning that the Hunter has quite an extensive sexual history involving strippers, other sex workers, women he worked with, women he met through work, and generally any attractive woman that crossed his path. We have few secrets and absolutely no judgement. I just found it hilarious today to pry that little vignette out of him.
This is the time of year that I spend a lot of time thinking and planning for my business. I’ve been working with my coach, reading some books, listening to speakers and really trying to figure out the secret sauce of success. One book that I strongly recommend is Finish- Give Yourself the Gift of Done by Jon Acuff. He takes the premise that the obstacle to not meeting goals isn’t laziness but perfectionism. My copy of the book is almost entirely highlighted. He’s witty and funny writer, so it’s an easy read. It’s probably the best self-help book I read in 2018.
The Hunter was gone last week hunting and he asked me how we were doing. I realized that when I am distracted and anxious about work, it translates to aloof and distant in our relationship. I need to work on that. I have moments right now of being happily optimistic about 2018 and completely terrified because once again I am facing an empty bank account in about 3-4 months. I’ll have to tap into my 401k again and that’s no fun.
My pipeline for 2018 is a small dribble of non-committal clients and one difficult project. I know what I need to achieve and I am hoping that my roadmap is accurate. I have an interesting predicament that I have been discussing with my biz coach. My target audience now includes millennials and young GenXers — that’s fine because I get along well with them. The problem is the old methods of business development don’t work with them. That’s part of my secret sauce quandary. I am slowly figuring out that answer and have some solutions that I’ll be trying in 2018, but the best solutions involve a lot of time and some $$$ and both of those resources are limited for experimentation. But hey, you have to spend $$ to make $$$.
After inserting my foot very firmly in my mouth and not realizing that the Hunter has been reading along with all of you, it’s time to explain the aftermath. The Hunter was hurt and angry (rightfully so) for the full-on blindside I delivered. We have talked about our relationship, sex life and cleared the air on a number of things inside of our relationship. Those things will stay inside our relationship and we have come out the other side intact, but we both have things that are still be digested individually.
The Hunter feels betrayed and lied to. He thinks I have been deceptive. Perhaps I have been, however, I will also say that confrontation has never been a strong point with me. I need to do a better job of sussing out my feelings and separating the crazy aspect from the legit part. This blog is a part of that process and I think he now realizes that. I am chalking part of my rant up to my crazy regarding holidays in general. I’ll write some more about it as I process more.
On my side, I need to think about how I feel knowing, without a doubt, that the Hunter is an avid reader of my blog. He is gracious, open and understanding about it. He says I am a complex woman and this is his best way to understand what is ruminating around in my brain. I respect and admire him for accepting that part of me. I am difficult to understand and I make no bones about it. Hell, half the time I have no idea what I truly think about tough issues.
But now how will I write? Will there now be a bit of an internal censor knowing that one of you Dear Readers shares my life and my bed with me? Will I go back to my brain dump and continue my ruminations? Time will tell. One thought I had was to password-protect sensitive posts or just leave them marked private so they aren’t published, but I don’t know if that’s the answer. Is concealment a form of deception or just an omission of kindness?
As I have watched Ann St. Vincent go through the hell of being outed, it reminds me that there are many people who aren’t open-minded enough to understand what blogging means to many of us. For non-writers/bloggers, they don’t understand our compulsion to put our thoughts on paper/screen in the wide open internet. I do it so I have a snapshot of my brain processes. The blogging/writing process coupled with reader comments helps me remember context and specific situations, release anxiety and tension and a host of other reasons. Some of my stories cannot be shared with friends and family in the real world, but I feel the need to tell/share them. This gives me that needed outlet.
In any event, I am back to writing, the Hunter is back to reading and life goes on. That’s enough for today.