Last night I couldn’t sleep. I needed to sleep because I was up before dawn to catch my flight. I laid in bed listening to the Hunter’s deep, relaxed breathing. He was sleeping that great rest that comes from a day of hard, honest work.
I, on the otherhand, laid in bed with my eyes wide open in the dark. I thought about my taxes – they aren’t done. Not only do I need to do them, but I have to come up with the $$ to pay my awesome accountant AND to pay the taxman. He cometh whether I’m ready or not. My plans to tuck money aside fell by the wayside as I scramble to pay my day-2-day expenses. Then my anxiety creept to other money issues, my need to push business development and thoughts of success versus failure. Then I got anxious about getting from the airport to Taz’s apartment. That’s when I thought, “WTF, I love to travel and that should be a cinch”. Then I realized that my anxiety may be more of a problem than I thought.
I need to do some research and reading on anxiety.
I have been thinking about success and failure quite a bit lately. I run amongst a crowd of very successful people. They have multiple investments/side hustles that generate additional income. Multiple homes, expensive cars, amazing trips — all the trappings of success. I live in a house I rent and dislike, have no savings to think of and a modest 6-figure retirement fund as my major asset. My dad and stepmother are very comfortable, her sisters all have comfortable retirements, but somehow I feel like I fucked up. Like I missed opportunities, never realized my potential during the critical years.
I was always an underachiever in school. I made A’s and B’s with little effort throughout school. When I hit college, I realized I never learned the art of studying, but I cruised through college in liberal arts and graduated with little drama.
I read books on what makes people successful. It’s structure and self-discipline. I have officed next to highly successful people and watched them first-hand. They are structured, delegate, network unbelievably, perhaps a bit more ruthless than me, but not that much smarter. They are selfish with their time and don’t waste it. I don’t do that.
I am thinking perhaps a business loan will give me sone breathing room. I have no idea if I can even get one since I have no assets to secure it. My Ex had Lines of Credit for his law firm. I just know that this aniexty will be the death of me. I cannot let it get the better of me. It can hurt me in so many ways: physically, emotionally, my relationships with others, the list is endless
But this weekend is all about my mental health. I wrote the above on the plane. Then I successfully and effortlessly navigated the airport, train & Lyft to Taz’s apartment. I strolled through a lovely park, chatted with the Hunter while watching dogs frolic and then grabbed a sandwich & chilled on the rooftop terrace of Taz’s building. I’m relaxed. Now pour me a delicious adult beverage.