Today is a big day for the Hunter. It’s his birthday, but I have made it a point to have celebrated throughout the month of May. We took a fabulous road trip, which was too short, but so much fun. We had a great dinner with his son, Nino, and Nino’s girlfriend over the weekend. We hung out with my dear friends and spent a beautiful day on their boat. It has been wonderful. He is not big on presents, because he gets shy and thinks I have done too much for him already. The trip was a present and he’ll be getting some much-wanted work clothes, but he isn’t getting that “Oh My” present. It’s simply not one of our Love Languages.
In the midst of all this great stuff, he has a very dark cloud looming. His mom has very advanced Alzheimer’s and over the weekend hospice has moved in for the final days. That woman better not have the audacity to die on his birthday. That is my most fervent hope.
The Hunter has a Love/Hate relationship with his mom (and his extended family) that really sheds a bright light on the man he is today. His parents are immigrants. Neither finished high school and they worked hard their entire lives. His sister is about 8 years older than him and she went on to become quite successful financially. But this is a family of very negative attitudes. They constantly belittle and snipe at one another.
Apparently the Hunter was the runt of the litter — the youngest. With an older sister and much older cousins, he was that super-active, sometimes annoying kid in the background. He was a behavior problem at school at times. His mother, according to the Hunter, beat him every day. Yes, beat him.
Apparently the worse beating that really left him scarred was when she forgot to pick him up from baseball practice. After waiting and waiting, the coach gave him a ride home. She beat him until his sister finally interceded because “you made me look bad”. Yes, this is the type of household he grew up in. She finally stopped when he turned 14 and grabbed the belt out of her hand…..
It’s interesting, from an armchair psychologist view, to see the child/mother dynamics of an abused child. The Hunter tells many stories about his mother’s great cooking, meals she would make, her amazing domestic skills — she could sew pretty much anything. He has many good memories of her, but then he has ugly ones too.
However, his parents always sided with his son’s mother, the Hunter’s Baby Momma, when Nino was young. They never defended him, only blamed him. Now obviously I am hearing only one side of the story, but…. hopefully you are getting a picture here.
In any case, the Hunter had to spend a very long afternoon with the family as they all paid their last respects to his mom. The mom who beat him. The mom who years later denied ever touching him. The mom who never defended him and only berated him. He is paying his respects with a family that he refuses to spend holidays with. One that continues to belittle him and not support him. It’s difficult and complicated. Actually, as I was wrapping up this post, he walked in with an old photo album he brought back from her house and we spent about 45 minutes looking at his childhood photos. It was lovely and he enjoyed the memories.
But, the Hunter is worried that his mom’s death will send him spiraling into a depression — it happened before, after another death which ended up destroying his marriage. I can’t do much for him except listen and love him. I feel his pain and conflicted feelings.
He wants to have a family for the holidays, so I have told him that we have our children and, in the future, their children plus friends that we love. I told him that we will create our own family.
That bitch better not die today. It’s the Hunter’s special day, not hers.