"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for April, 2017

R.I.P Wildflower

horse on beach

This looks like Wildflower during his retirement years

As you, Dear Readers, know, I have been grappling with the debate of what to do about Wildflower, my daughter’s elderly horse.  He spent 9 years in retirement at a total cost of over $46,000 during that time.  If you want to read about my earlier turmoil over this, click here and here.

Now Wildflower took care of things for me.

He’s an old gray horse and gray horses are prone to a weird thing called equine melanoma  .  It’s usually benign and he had this throughout the time we owned him.  This week he was lying down in the pasture one morning, got up for breakfast, went back down and couldn’t get up.  The vet showed up and said, “it’s time”.  Within two hours of me being notified, Wildfire went to a better pasture.

I texted Taz that he was down, then within the hour asked her to call me.  She knew what was happening, but she was OK and very understanding of the decision.  Wildflower had been part of our family for 21 years.  She got him when she was 6 years old.

I was moved because his passing came the day after my mom’s birthday.  My mom, Taz and I bonded over this horse.  The horse shows, days at the barn, all the horsey stuff was what glued the three of us so tightly together.  Wildflower was loved by all three of us with a passion.

When I talked to Taz later that night, we shared a couple of funny memories about him.  I told her that I didn’t cry when she and my son went off to college, but I bawled like a baby when Wildflower left for retirement.  She laughed hysterically and said, “you always loved him best.  He was the third kid.”  She’s right.  That’s why I could never put him down just because of the money.

My Ex posted a nice note on my Facebook post of Wildflower’s passing.  I have been thinking about the good times that Wildflower gave all of us.  The time he tossed my Ex into the water during a beach ride (wonderfully delightful), the many ribbons he won for Taz, the many long summer days she spent at the barn rather than the mall or some other non-productive venue.

I also thought about how it tied into my mom’s birthday.  She loved that horse fiercely.  Taz was remembering how my mom had shirts with his photo, hats with his name, canvas photo bags, a chair just for horse shows with his show name — she was his biggest fan.  And the photos.  My mom was never without her camera trying to capture every single minute.

I know that my mom was waiting for Wildflower.  She is standing in a beautiful field with him, brushing him and talking to him.  He, of course, is being silly but at the same time he is at peace and loving her right back.

I am glad that I did the right thing.  It wasn’t easy, but sometimes doing the right thing isn’t that easy.  But I also have to say that I had a smile of relief because now I don’t have to write another check for May.  RIP Wildflower.  You were a truly one-of-a-kind.

gray horse young

This is what Wildflower looked like when we first got him.  He got whiter as he aged, but he was a pretty boy always.  

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Lessons Learned

Lessons I have learned about myself.  Since my divorce four years ago, I have learned many truths about myself.  In some ways, I would say that I learned more about myself in the last four years than I learned in the previous decade, but that might be an overstatement.  Here, in a complete random order, are some of my self-discoveries both good and bad:

  • I’m impatient – that’s quite a revelation for me.
  • I’m a perfectionist – another head-spinner for me because I don’t feel like I have an attention for detail until I delegate something and it’s not perfect….
  • I’m not very emphatic, so I’m a horrible nurse and/or nurturer
  • I’m quite stubborn
  • I’m too kind with the wrong people ( like my former boss, my Ex and more)
  • I’m too trusting, again with the wrong people (like my former boss, former clients)
  • I’m not confrontational and need to improve (probably due to the explosive reactions from my Ex)
  • I’m smart and oftentimes too smart for many men (that made dating a challenge)
  • I’m a bit of a rebel and non-conformist which makes me an outlier for my professional world
  • I’m shitty with my finances and should have done a better job of saving $$
  • I’m a bit of an introvert and have to work at pushing myself to meet people
  • I’m lazy
  • I absolutely hate housework and am in no way a domestic goddess (I cannot wait until I have $$ for a weekly housekeeper again)
  • I have little self-discipline and that’s been an impediment to weight loss, time management and business development
  • I’m brave – I do brave things like get divorced after 25 years, start my own business, let the Hunter move in after only 2 months of dating, I move out of my neighborhood of 30 years
  • I’m clever at reading people, but occasionally I’m wrong – refer back to my trusting too much.
  • I’m an inspiration to many friends and family
  • I am innovative and strategic
  • People love working with me and being around me

That’s enough for now.  I want to get back to my daily affirmations, exercise and better daily planning to manage my time.  I was amazed with my time management book (Time Management from the Inside Out by Julie Morgenstern) that there are people out there that sometimes only have 3-4 things on their daily To-Do list.  Are you kidding me?!  That accounts for maybe an hour of a busy day for me.  It continues to dawn on me that I need to work smarter and be kinder to myself (yes, I need to be clunked on the head several times before things really stick with me – refer back to the stubborn attribute).

Rome wasn’t built in a day and Maggie & Co deserves patience and perseverance.  Business colleagues are constantly complimenting my bravery on forming my own company.  This raises questions in my mind of the Group Think prevalent in my profession.  Are they missing something or me?  I am pretty damn sure it’s the former.

A Difference A Week Makes

The difference of a week in my life. The work rollercoaster for me is approaching the crest. My projects are beginning to align and I see some nice pay days in the next 30-45 days. What a relief!! I just sat down at my computer and had several projects move forward with good, positive results that should result in $$$. Thank goodness. I read another book on time management and this one clicked with me, so I am slowly trying to implement my new lessons.

But let’s talk about something much more fun – sex.

Last weekend the Hunter was feeling feisty. We had some great romps including one oily roll in the bed that left me breathless and slippery as an eel. It is such a wondrous thing to have a relationship and a man that after two years, he can still pull out something new and fun. We spent Easter with old friends of mine who really like the Hunter and we all get along splendidly. It was a lovely weekend, but on Sunday evening I was feeling a little off.

Monday morning, I still felt off. I had to pee, slight burning. Oh dear, God, NO. It continued to build all day. Please, NO, NO, NO! Yep, by Monday early evening I was in agony with a full-blown UTI (probably has to do with all the baby oil unfortunately).

Now I have come to realize many truths about myself (and this may end up being a post all on its own), but one primary truth is that I am a lousy sick person. Bitchy, whiny and generally miserable. A UTI escalates those traits 10-fold. The Hunter, truly the kindest, most emphatic person, is getting ready to take me to the UrgiCare when it dawns on me – Taz is a fucking legit doctor albeit not in my state and she’s studying to be a surgeon, but she’s an MD who can write prescriptions!

I text her and within 10 minutes she has phoned in my prescription. Within half an hour and $10 later, I am on the road to recovery. The other cool thing – I am her first family member prescription. I am so honored and it’s actually quite hilarious that it’s for a friggin’ UTI. A friend told me I should save the Rx bottle as a momento. I’m not sure Taz and I want the the memory of her first Rx being for her mom’s UTI – LOL.

Can Somebody Loan me some Patience?

OK, Gentle Readers, this is one long bitch fest, so if you aren’t in the mood of hearing bitch, bitch, bitch, skip this and drink a glass of wine instead.  I have to vent and this is the safest place. 

I just need to be more patient.  I just need to hang on a little bit longer as Maggie & Co climbs up the steep hill of success.  I feel the momentum building.  Some weeks are better than others, but I do know that I am taking consistent action and more action than many of my colleagues.  It’s just that I have a short runway of time.  My money is running out.  Do I tap my retirement fund…again?  I don’t think I’m going to have much of a choice. Sigh.

I am a bit calmer.  I went to celebrate my dad’s 80th birthday.  My son joined me but the Hunter opted to go hunting instead.  The weekend was a lovely respite, even though the flights were hell.  We made an unscheduled landing for a medical emergency.  That was a first for me and we landed 2 hours late.  The return was delayed 2 hours as well. Thank goodness I wasn’t on United!  Anyway, the Hunter and I were apart for about four days.  Four days to think and boy, he did a lot of thinking.  He’s made changes to the Kracken so that nutty dog now stays outside most of the time.  He will give up the dog if he needs to, but I have told him that I want the dog to stay.  I see daily improvement with the dog, so once again, I just need to have patience.

My dad’s birthday weekend was great.  It is really nice to be in your early 50’s and be one of the youngest people at a party.  I felt young again – LOL.  It was a wake-up call to see all of my family with secure, well-provided retirements as I am scrambling for everything at the moment.  Sigh. But it was great to reconnect with family.  It felt good.

I came home with a huge, nasty cold.  I am the crankiest, bitchiest sick person on the planet.  I don’t want people to even think about me much less talk to me.  I huddled up on the coach as the Hunter drove 10 hours to get home from his hunting trip.  He brought me soup and avoided me for fear of me snapping at him.  I held my tongue, watched TV and vegged until the cold subsided.

I am in the middle of renewing the lease on this crappy house.  I’m not happy about it, but I don’t have the Fuck You money to move somewhere else, so I am forced to negotiate with a landlady, who for whatever reasons, has been under my skin from Day One.  I have a residential realtor friend coaching me through this and even she commented that she has never seen me dislike someone as much as my landlord.  I am usually cool and calm through negotiations and I find myself writing vicious emails, holding them for a day until the anger subsides and then editing them into something businesslike.

I have to buy a car this month and I really am not looking forward to it.  My lease is expiring and I’m over on miles.  I know the overage will continue, so I’m forced to buy something.  Yep, right when money is tight I have to come up with money for the mileage overage and a down payment.  Joy.  Add to the fact that there are too many choices of cars and I have been stuck, weighed down by indecision.  The Hunter is helping and we have finally identified the likeliest candidate — a 1-2 year old compact SUV.  Now I have to drive one and negotiate terms in the next two weeks.

With all my bitching and moaning, I have to say that I feel good things coming.  I feel momentum from all my marketing efforts.  I feel like I can do this.  I know I can do this.  I went back through records of when I switched firms and had to start again.  I looked at the income stream and where it came from.  The scary thing is to see how many clients bit the dust for various reasons, but it also shows me how many fish are out in the great blue sea. The Hunter’s business is picking up momentum also and he is slightly ahead of me, which is great.  My earning potential far exceeds his — fact, not boasting — so I need my ship to catch the winds of success also.

I feel like Robin is discouraged.  I know she is because I have my discouraged days as well.  When I have them, I call someone because when I don’t have courage, I ask other people to share theirs.  It has worked for me in the past and it works for me now.  I try to be her courage.  Even with the projects we are currently working on, the money won’t be enough to hold us for 6 months.  It will hold us for 2-3 months at most.  Hopefully that buys me enough time to create new opportunities.  Every day I look at my Vision Board which is full of Patience, Underdog, Pushing Through, Stay Focused — you get the idea.  Every day I work on business development more than anything else.  That’s what will generate results.

Now I am going to the gym.  I joined a cheap one because I realized that if I am going to sleep and stay sane, then I need to exercise.  I’ll write something zippy and happy in a day or two.  I am an Amazon.  I can do this.  I can do hard things.  I am an amazing woman who will be successful.  Yep, I need to get back to my daily affirmations.

patience belief

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