"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Meltdown Aftermath

Yeah, I lost it over the weekend.  I find myself questioning the life I am now living —again.  I’m in the ‘burbs with a 70 pound incessantly barking puppy, renting a place I don’t love in a neighborhood that, well, I’ll be honest — it’s not my socio-economic level.  Yeah, I’m a snob and I’m not proud about it.  I want nice things.  I want to better my life.  So if that is what I want, I need to keep working hard to achieve it.

The Hunter and I talked on Sunday evening.  I drank 2 glasses of wine and spewed forth my resentment of the dog and how things are right now.  I asked him to step it up on the household cleaning stuff, among other things.  He looked at me and said, “we have been over this before.  Why are you bringing it up again?  You are just like other women — never happy.”  Ouch.  He wasn’t particularly mad.  He continued by saying, “we want different things.  I’m a simple guy.  I try to show you each and every day how much I love you and how much you mean to me.” Ouch again.

I don’t know what I want.  I want a lot of things and they involve money.  I want to walk down the winding country roads of Tuscany and eat dinner at different inns and hostels.  I want to go to a beautiful resort in the Caribbean with a private villa so I can make love to the Hunter in the pool.  I think what I need is a good vacation, but that’s not happening.  Not right now when Maggie & Co. is still in its initial stages.  I need more clients.  I need more business.  I need more money.  I need, I need, I need……

The other problem/issue/cloud on the horizon is that the Hunter, as sexy a man as he is, has minimal interest in sex.  He said his doctor had told him a year or so ago, during a check-up, that he has low testosterone.  He just isn’t wanting to pound my pussy with any regularity.  He claims it is not about me or my appeal to him, but his lack of libido.  I gave him a look, according to him, that basically was “WTF, go to the doctor and get that shit fixed.”  Ah, the look that says the thousand words….  But this makes me feel insecure.  I feel like I’m fat and dumpy and unappealing to him.  Sigh.

I have to be honest.  I am having doubts.  I am having doubts about what the fuck I am doing with my personal life these days.

I told the Hunter we need some date nights.  He told me the truth and I know it’s his truth:  he’s a loner.  He claims he doesn’t have any friends (which isn’t quite true because he talks to and sees hunting buddies and old childhood friends on a more regular basis than I hang with my besties).  He prefers to be alone, so any date nights will be when I plan them.  I’m actually OK with this, but here is another truth because this post is really about my deep inner  unspoken thoughts and feelings.

He has sabotaged outings in the past.  I wanted to go to a festival — he was sick with a migraine.  I wanted to go to a concert, he went and was bored to distraction (OK, it wasn’t a great concert, but I had the tickets and was going regardless).  He dragged his feet and made us late to a comedy evening with some of my old work friends — I was so pissed that night.   I could go on, but there is a pattern….

I don’t want to bury these problems.  I don’t have another 25 years to toss away on a relationship that isn’t making me happy.  Am I happy?  I honestly don’t know.  I have an eye twitch, I’m under immense pressure these days with work, money is tight, but I see a small pot of silver in the horizon so I feel OK.

I imagine my life without the Hunter and it’s lonely.  I know that.  I know that the Hunter’s new business would not survive without me and where would that leave this very good man? See, there is another pressure:  the success of his business is also partially my responsibility also.  I’m the marketing/business development force behind it.

Someone had recommended a book on Adult Attachment on ASV’s blog.  I got it and have just started it.  No big revelations at this point.  I finished another book on Morning Rituals for successful people, so I can work on my self-discipline.   My go-to move is always to find a book and try to research the answer.  I have pulled out and analyzed my business plan over the weekend — what am I doing right, where can I improve.  I revamped my marketing program and sent it to my business coach.  I created a series of marketing pieces (quite brilliant, if I do say so myself) that now need to be printed so I can use them as mailers.  Oh yeah, I have my taxes to gather up, my corporation to renew, finish up my mom’s estate, replace my car since my lease is up in 3 weeks, renew the lease on this crappy house for another 6-12 months because it expires end of May.  I’m headed out of town for my dad’s big 80 birthday celebration next weekend and I have no meaningful gift.  I did manage to book plane tickets for me and my son about 10 minutes ago. The list goes on….

Now as I read through all of this, I realize that I need to slow the fuck down.  I’m under so much stress and deadlines that I will make hasty decisions that I will repent in leisure.  I just need to get this year under my belt.  Give myself some breathing room by making enough $$ to pay the bills.  Now, I have to go join the gym down the street and get to a networking event.  Sigh.  I hope nobody notices my twitchy eye….

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Comments on: "Meltdown Aftermath" (8)

  1. I had a full breakdown a few weeks ago. I’m still recovering.
    But what came out was: I needed to do like a turtle for a while. When life gets too complicated/frightening, it’s Ok to withdraw in one’s shell and recenter ourselves.
    It is not a failure, it’s a necessary step back to have a broader look at the future.
    To calm things down and reflect.
    I am now better able to move forward.

    I hope you find some calm and the perfect solution for you.

    XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh my, my thoughts and love are with you through your struggle. I know you are bright, capable and loved by many, so I hope you feel those warm thoughts and love.

      I agree 100% that pulling back and re-centering is so important when the stress keeps mounting. I just did that about 2 weeks ago with my whole business strategy. I took a day and read a couple of books, re-adjusted my business plan and now I feel re-energized with my approach. But the stress is still there. I feel the pressure of creating business for me, my partner Robin and the Hunter, but now I have a roadmap of the steps I need to take.

      Anybody have any tips on calming a twitchy eye? That’s my biggest tell these days.

      Hugs to you, Dawn. Many warm hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My suggestion for the eye is go see a chiropractor. I’m sure he can help

    Liked by 1 person

    • I got a massage yesterday and I’m headed back to the gym. I think focusing on some stress relievers will do the trick. I feel much better. Still stressed, but not crazy-angry. We have some good business momentum, but I just have to keep plugging away.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Maggie. I’m so sorry to read all of this. There are a few things that caught my eye. I’m a bit spoiled as well and I think we were raised to just expect less – and I still don’t understand why that’s fair or even reasonable. So what if you want nicer things and expensive vacations. The problem is when you want those things out of balance or perspective with the funds to do it. It’s perfectly fine to work hard towards those things and reward yourself. I always have issue when someone tells me I “want” too much. I work for it, I earn it, why should it have it? People who want or have less are the ones who usually make these pronouncements. And it’s fine they want less, but they shouldn’t judge

    Also, I feel the pain on the disparity in style between you and the Hunter and it’s one of the reasons I have chose to stay away from someone who is too socio-eco too different from me. I don’t know if that’s a bridge you can span. Hunter also being a loner makes the imbalance more obvious.

    You do have lots of great stuff going on and taking a small pause to reset isn’t a bad idea. No sense in making all the big decisions at once. Too overwhelming. But they eye tic is a stress indicator and an alarm bell – I get it under immense pressure too. It goes away when I gain control. But it’s always associated with emotional stress for me.

    It seems like you have to accept Hunter for who he is. It doesn’t sound like there’s much expectation for change to what you prefer him to be and I’m not sure you would want that. In the attachment book there is a chapter on people who just stop pushing partners with different attachment style
    To change. They accept the difference and move on – it doesn’t sugar coat it and say they are happy with it – it just says they accept it because the rest of the relationship outweighs that particular discrepancy.

    Sending you love and hugs as you travel your road. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words. I knew that the Hunter and I had quite a socio-economic divide — it has been a concern and particularly at the beginning of our relationship. One thing I will say about the man – he never begrudges how I spend my $$ or my dreams. I want to go to Tuscany – fantastic! I want this type of car – OK, how about a used one that’s 30% cheaper (he adds practical advice). I never feel like money is a stressor in our relationship. I want a nice house, which is tough when you are renting & own a 70 pound puppy. I’m no Martha Stewart, but a clean, pretty home soothes my soul.

      The Hunter wants things himself and will work hard, but this B2B business development is new to him. He asks for help & advice, which I’m happy to give.

      We both have accepted certain things about the other (politics is a key example ), and he has changed his life radically for me. I think my meltdown was a stress indicator. I want new clients lined out the door and forget that each one is like a plant: it has to be planted, watered & nurtured before it bears fruit. I’m back to listening to my affirmations, going to the gym, joining some Meetup groups and telling myself to be patient. Patience is the hardest one.

      Like

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