Last night was rough. I woke up at 3 AM and was sucked into a vortex of fear. The spiral started a few days ago, but last night it sucked me down in earnest. New business is slow to develop and, of course, I am inpatient. I sat down to re-group, pulled out some books to refresh my approach and figured out where I am lacking. Basically I want to castigate myself and saying that I’m sucking at all levels of business development, but that would be melodramatic. It boils down to two simple problems: 1) not enough time spent on it 2) not enough focus on the right actions.
Back to 3 AM. I woke up, laid in bed for about 45 minutes, got up. Worried. Worried some more, totaled up the money I have spent out of my savings over the past year and gulped at the amount. Panicked a bit. Went back to bed. Had a really good idea for a marketing piece and finally fell asleep. When I got up this morning, the Hunter realized I was freaked out (which actually presents as angry and grouchy) and that I have been freaked out (i.e. angry and grouchy) for a couple of days.
I told him I was afraid. I told him that I was afraid of peeking into my bank account. I’m afraid to tap into yet more of my retirement fund (yes, I tapped my retirement fund for some of this $$) and I’m afraid because failure is simply not an option. I told him that I need to work more, much more. I told him that I needed to work smarter and so on and so forth.
He hugged me. He told me how much he loved me. He told me that we have been through a lot in our two years and we will get past this as well. He then spent the morning hustling so he can come up with some $$ over the next couple of months. It was great. I had felt alone and isolated before talking to him. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders because I felt like I have to produce business for him, me and Robin. But he made me remember that we are all adults and we can all shoulder some of that burden.
The remainder of the day was good. I felt more positive. I feel strong. The Amazon is strapping on her sword and tomorrow she will be back out there slaying dragons. But first, it’s off to meet my book club for pizza, wine and chat. My soul is looking forward to it. And who knows, I could get lucky later on……