Meltdown Aftermath

Yeah, I lost it over the weekend.  I find myself questioning the life I am now living —again.  I’m in the ‘burbs with a 70 pound incessantly barking puppy, renting a place I don’t love in a neighborhood that, well, I’ll be honest — it’s not my socio-economic level.  Yeah, I’m a snob and I’m not proud about it.  I want nice things.  I want to better my life.  So if that is what I want, I need to keep working hard to achieve it.

The Hunter and I talked on Sunday evening.  I drank 2 glasses of wine and spewed forth my resentment of the dog and how things are right now.  I asked him to step it up on the household cleaning stuff, among other things.  He looked at me and said, “we have been over this before.  Why are you bringing it up again?  You are just like other women — never happy.”  Ouch.  He wasn’t particularly mad.  He continued by saying, “we want different things.  I’m a simple guy.  I try to show you each and every day how much I love you and how much you mean to me.” Ouch again.

I don’t know what I want.  I want a lot of things and they involve money.  I want to walk down the winding country roads of Tuscany and eat dinner at different inns and hostels.  I want to go to a beautiful resort in the Caribbean with a private villa so I can make love to the Hunter in the pool.  I think what I need is a good vacation, but that’s not happening.  Not right now when Maggie & Co. is still in its initial stages.  I need more clients.  I need more business.  I need more money.  I need, I need, I need……

The other problem/issue/cloud on the horizon is that the Hunter, as sexy a man as he is, has minimal interest in sex.  He said his doctor had told him a year or so ago, during a check-up, that he has low testosterone.  He just isn’t wanting to pound my pussy with any regularity.  He claims it is not about me or my appeal to him, but his lack of libido.  I gave him a look, according to him, that basically was “WTF, go to the doctor and get that shit fixed.”  Ah, the look that says the thousand words….  But this makes me feel insecure.  I feel like I’m fat and dumpy and unappealing to him.  Sigh.

I have to be honest.  I am having doubts.  I am having doubts about what the fuck I am doing with my personal life these days.

I told the Hunter we need some date nights.  He told me the truth and I know it’s his truth:  he’s a loner.  He claims he doesn’t have any friends (which isn’t quite true because he talks to and sees hunting buddies and old childhood friends on a more regular basis than I hang with my besties).  He prefers to be alone, so any date nights will be when I plan them.  I’m actually OK with this, but here is another truth because this post is really about my deep inner  unspoken thoughts and feelings.

He has sabotaged outings in the past.  I wanted to go to a festival — he was sick with a migraine.  I wanted to go to a concert, he went and was bored to distraction (OK, it wasn’t a great concert, but I had the tickets and was going regardless).  He dragged his feet and made us late to a comedy evening with some of my old work friends — I was so pissed that night.   I could go on, but there is a pattern….

I don’t want to bury these problems.  I don’t have another 25 years to toss away on a relationship that isn’t making me happy.  Am I happy?  I honestly don’t know.  I have an eye twitch, I’m under immense pressure these days with work, money is tight, but I see a small pot of silver in the horizon so I feel OK.

I imagine my life without the Hunter and it’s lonely.  I know that.  I know that the Hunter’s new business would not survive without me and where would that leave this very good man? See, there is another pressure:  the success of his business is also partially my responsibility also.  I’m the marketing/business development force behind it.

Someone had recommended a book on Adult Attachment on ASV’s blog.  I got it and have just started it.  No big revelations at this point.  I finished another book on Morning Rituals for successful people, so I can work on my self-discipline.   My go-to move is always to find a book and try to research the answer.  I have pulled out and analyzed my business plan over the weekend — what am I doing right, where can I improve.  I revamped my marketing program and sent it to my business coach.  I created a series of marketing pieces (quite brilliant, if I do say so myself) that now need to be printed so I can use them as mailers.  Oh yeah, I have my taxes to gather up, my corporation to renew, finish up my mom’s estate, replace my car since my lease is up in 3 weeks, renew the lease on this crappy house for another 6-12 months because it expires end of May.  I’m headed out of town for my dad’s big 80 birthday celebration next weekend and I have no meaningful gift.  I did manage to book plane tickets for me and my son about 10 minutes ago. The list goes on….

Now as I read through all of this, I realize that I need to slow the fuck down.  I’m under so much stress and deadlines that I will make hasty decisions that I will repent in leisure.  I just need to get this year under my belt.  Give myself some breathing room by making enough $$ to pay the bills.  Now, I have to go join the gym down the street and get to a networking event.  Sigh.  I hope nobody notices my twitchy eye….

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I’m Having a Meltdown

More will follow as I hash things out, but I pitched a world-class, shoe-throwing temper tantrum this morning all before coffee.  Let me set the stage:

I spent yesterday cleaning the house.  It was filthy and I was disgusted with the squalor.  I cleaned for about 4-5 hours.  Then after a quick dinner at a taco stand, I plopped in front of the tv.  Time slid and I didn’t take a shower, so I crawled into bed smelly after dosing on the couch most of the night.

My sleep-deprived self was awaken by the Hunter merrily announcing that the Kracken had gotten some of my shoes and there was a “shoe graveyard” in the living room.  WTF  – I asked what shoes? The Hunter merrily responds that I should come & see for myself.  Then he says, “let me grab my phone so I can record this”.  Boy, he misjudged the situation.

I go to the living room and there are my 4-month old $70 sneakers, wet with the laces stripped off and the inner sole ripped out of one.  My favorite pair of keds for around the house – one of them was completely destroyed.  Second fave pair of keds chewed but salvageable.  “You need to put your shoes away – you left them out and this is what happens,” the Hunter gleefully tells me.

I fucking popped a gasket.  I begin screaming, “Fucking  dog.  I’m sick of this.  I can’t have anything nice anymore”.  Then the shoes begin flying around the house as I picked them up.  I was very disappointed that they do not have the umpf and velocity of a baseball.  I wanted to break shit.The Hunter went silent.

I decided then and there I needed to get the fuck out of the house.  I took a shower got dressed and left.  The Hunter had disappeared on a walk with the Kracken so  I left a note.  I turned off my phone because I was beyond livid and needed some space.

I’ve been out of the house all day – from 9-4.  I have thought and written down my thoughts on why I got so mad.  I have shed a few tears, and I’m still pissed but calmer. I walked in the door to the smell of cigar smoke permeating the house from the Hunter’s mancave aka garage, my dog had pooped by the back door and a swept patio (it was on my To Do list). I’m trying to take deep breaths and not lash out just to be hateful.

I am waiting for my bottle of wine to chill and then I’m going to have a Roommate Check discussion with the Hunter.  I am not a happy camper about our living situation and aspects of our lifestyle.  I now realize that I really miss my little townhouse and perhaps in my haste to please him last summer, I over-compensated resulting in me simmering with low grade resentment.  It’s nothing that can’t be fixed — I just need my glass (or 2) of wine, put on my big girl panties and USE MY WORDS.  More to follow.

Fear – Can I Control It?

Last night was rough.  I woke up at 3 AM and was sucked into a vortex of fear.  The spiral started a few days ago, but last night it sucked me down in earnest.  New business is slow to develop and, of course, I am inpatient.  I sat down to re-group, pulled out some books to refresh my approach and figured out where I am lacking.  Basically I want to castigate myself and saying that I’m sucking at all levels of business development, but that would be melodramatic.  It boils down to two simple problems:  1) not enough time spent on it 2) not enough focus on the right actions.

Back to 3 AM.  I woke up, laid in bed for about 45 minutes, got up.  Worried.  Worried some more, totaled up the money I have spent out of my savings over the past year and gulped at the amount.  Panicked a bit.  Went back to bed.  Had a really good idea for a marketing piece and finally fell asleep.  When I got up this morning, the Hunter realized I was freaked out (which actually presents as angry and grouchy) and that I have been freaked out (i.e. angry and grouchy) for a couple of days.

I told him I was afraid.  I told him that I was afraid of peeking into my bank account.  I’m afraid to tap into yet more of my retirement fund (yes, I tapped my retirement fund for some of this $$) and I’m afraid because failure is simply not an option.  I told him that I need to work more, much more.  I told him that I needed to work smarter and so on and so forth.

He hugged me.  He told me how much he loved me.  He told me that we have been through a lot in our two years and we will get past this as well.  He then spent the morning hustling so he can come up with some $$ over the next couple of months.  It was great.  I had felt alone and isolated before talking to him.  I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders because I felt like I have to produce business for him, me and Robin.  But he made me remember that we are all adults and we can all shoulder some of that burden.

The remainder of the day was good.  I felt more positive.  I feel strong.  The Amazon is strapping on her sword and tomorrow she will be back out there slaying dragons. But first, it’s off to meet my book club for pizza, wine and chat.  My soul is looking forward to it. And who knows, I  could get lucky later on……

What’s Going On?

Last week Taz and Hubby were in town.  I had two days of Taz and utter relaxation.  Seems impossible, right?  Actually she needed R&R in a big way, so we chilled on two different uncrowded beaches.  One day her college chum and her dog joined us, one day it was the two of us.  We sat on the windy beach, trying not to fry our delicate winter white skin and listened to the beautiful sound of the waves.  It was divine.  Even more divine because I am a firm believer that the beach is better with adult beverages.

For the first time in almost 2 years I had Taz in a normal, calm state of mind.  She slept, ate and enjoyed being outdoors.  When her Hubby joined us midweek, he took one look at her and said, “Your mom is great medicine for you — you look so rested.”  She played with the Kracken, the Hunter made her delicious home-cooked meals and I made her amazing coffee from the fantastic espresso machine she gave me at Xmas.   We saw Hubby for an afternoon because he flew in a few days after her and we enjoyed a fun afternoon outdoors ending with drinks at a legit biker bar.  It was an idyllic visit.

Now I feel like I’m behind at work.  Some potential new business has fallen apart, but that’s the nature of my beast.  I just say, “Shit!” or “Fuck it” and move on.  Robin, my business partner, is a solid comfort to me.  We just keep moving and trying new approaches.  I’m more willing to chase some minnows, but she’s too smart for that. What’s interesting about my minnow chasing is that it is taking me down unforeseen paths — like talking to a Masters class at a nearby university or having a whole bunch of folks calling me instead of me calling them.  You never know where these things lead which is why I hate to say no to the minnows.

In the meantime, my big, beloved client who followed me to Maggie & Co is moving on.  They are changing their business model and it will no longer include us.  It has nothing to do with our service and they have already told us how much they will miss us.  If all goes according to plan, we will part ways in the next 45 days.

I’m looking at March, April and May with horror.  My car lease is up, our house lease is up and we are moving for sure, the Hunter turns the big 50 and I still have to do my taxes….Oh yeah, and my dad’s big 80th birthday bash which requires me traveling out of state falls in April.  And the Hunter has a huge speaking gig and….well, you get the point.  It’s never dull around here.

Now let me continue my hunt for new clients…..the Amazon needs some cash!