Cleaning the house is meditative time for me. I crank on music or podcasts for some of it, but sometimes you can’t hear it, so you end up spending time inside your head. As I ranted about Stuff, I have also been thinking about where I want to be in a year, 3 years, 5 years, etc. The Hunter mentioned this past week that we are coming up on two years together. Wow, really? It seems so short yet so long. Time is a funny thing.
In any case, he has a clear direction on what he wants and where he wants to be. He wants to be out in the country with his dogs, his toys, his land. I like that but only so far. We compromised with thought of two places. I just wrote a post about how Life is good and it is, but…..
I have been thinking about me. Am I living my dreams or someone else’s? When I was a growing up, I did as my parents wanted and what everyone expected of me: get good grades, get a college degree, get married, have kids, etc. Then I finally had enough and got my divorce. Some of the “what is expected” continued due to my son’s graduation, my daughter’s wedding, things like that. But old habits die hard….
Right now I have entered a period where the only “Expected” event will be my son’s college graduation next year. In the meantime, I want to ponder about what I want. During my entire life, I have subordinated my dreams, wishes, desires, career, etc. to what others want. Shit, I’m so damn submissive that I rarely picked out the restaurant, the TV show or the movie during my marriage – it was simply easier to acquiesce. Now that I can make my own decisions and have a say that will be heard and valued, I am realizing that I often don’t have an opinion. I don’t have a cool idea of something to do or someplace to go. I don’t know the hip things going on in town anymore. That’s a shame and it makes me a bit sad at times because my FOMO kicks up.
For example, next summer is the Hunter’s big 50th birthday and he wants to go hiking on the Appalachian Trail for a couple of weeks. Cool, but not really my thing. I will day hike with him, be a Trail Angel, but he can haul the 30-pound backpack up and down mountains, sleep in rat-infested shelters with other unwashed bodies while I cool my heels at a nearby B&B. The weekend camping trips are his thing, not necessarily mine. I enjoy them and it’s very relaxing, but I enjoy going to the beach, art festivals and other things too.
But what’s my next big trip? Where do I want to go? Italy has always been a dream, so perhaps that should be my goal. This summer I had a couple of poignant FOMO moments as everyone was on summer vacations and the like. This year I have been trapped during the first half with family obligations (Taz’s wedding and graduation) plus the new business launch for the second half of the year, so very little time or money is left for any big trip for me.
The other issue at hand is money. I need to replenish my savings and get my act together at work. This new company is fine and dandy, but I need it to generate revenue quickly because my savings are small. The Hunter is doing great, but he needs a year to 18 months for it to really solidify an income stream. I’m not sure he even realizes that it will take that long, but I’ve been there, done that and know this for sure. In the meantime, I need to put my head down and WORK. Work hard and work smart. I can make a whole lot of money if I put my shoulder to the wheel and really stay disciplined. Then I can enjoy 2-3 weeks in Italy…..