"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for September, 2016

The Next Work Chapter Has Begun

I forgot how weird it is to sit in front of your email Inbox and find it….empty. Yes, I quit last week and they promptly turned off my email. No worries, I was expecting that.

At first I was going to give my clients and my former boss a day or two to digest the news, however, my boss, God bless him, is already aggressively talking to these clients to try to keep them. He’s circling wagons and I don’t blame him. I have sent out a gentle “Change is Good” intro email with a benefits piece on why they should keep me, but it won’t be as easy as I hoped. We are business people for heavens sake, so as much as they like me, they need to look after themselves first. The good news is I have meetings already scheduled with the two biggest clients – they called me. The bad news is that I not only have to compete with my former boss , but also outside folks for the biggest account. However, I am the eternal optimist, you know, so I feel confident that if I remain calm, humble and clever, I will win the day.

I felt such peace and had no anxiety about this “conscious uncoupling” as Gynweth Paltrow likes to say. My partner-in-crime was with me and we said “Hasta la vista”. My former boss had nothing to say to keep us wanting to stay. I explained that I wanted this to be friendly and family. Then after a weekend to digest the pending divorce, because it is a divorce from his “Work Wife”, my boss called to discuss it a bit further. He is apparently going through the 5 Stages of Grief and was working through anger.

It’s funny listening to someone else processing their hurt. Not funny haha, but funny interesting. He wanted to blame anyone but himself, although he is self-aware enough to know blame rests with him. He accused me of surprising him and I gently said, “How else am I going to do this without somehow surprising you?” He wanted to divvy up the clients, but I said that was not for us to do, but the clients needed to decide what was best for themselves. He sought informal legal advice from a buddy, challenged me on a few things and the list goes on. He is on the losing end of things, his work world has fallen apart and he just lost a really sweet income stream that had virtually no overhead and a huge return for him. I can’t blame him for being upset.

I have been telling the Hunter and my partner-in-crime, who we will call Robin (Batman’s sidekick) that I wanted to keep the former boss calm. It’s like keeping a tiger mellow because if the tiger is unleashed, it will not be pretty. I told my former boss that I wanted to give us space to discuss our separation, so I would not be issuing press releases or any announcements to our rabid colleagues. Quite frankly I am doing this to limit the competition of keeping my clients, but also I want our story to be mutual –when you swim in a shark tank there is safety in numbers. However, having said all the nice, sweet Maggie things, don’t fuck with me. These are my clients, regardless of what he thinks. He has talked to one only twice in three years; one he has never spoken to and the other, my sweet jewel of a client, he has repeatedly missed conference calls although they do like him personally. That’s going to be the toughest one to keep, but I’m ready for the battle and my secret weapon…Robin. They have never met Robin and will love her once they do. Now, it’s time to fly out of the BatCave out into the world and kick some ass.


It’s All About the Bass

I wonder if one reason the Hunter isn’t being as physical with me is my weight. I gained a lot of weight over the last year. I mean a lot. Let’s put down the number – 23 pounds. Yes, I have gone off the deep end. In my defense, the Hunter gained quite a bit of weight, but between being sick and now walking the dog and cutting back, he has dropped 20 pounds. Men, damn them, have an easier time than women when it comes to weight loss.

I tried combating the weight with personal trainers and while my body got stronger, I didn’t lose weight. I know this is because I haven’t changed my eating habits. As my last trainer said, to lose a single pound a week, your output needs to be 3,500 calories more than what you are inputting.

I’m disgusted with myself. I did a lot of work and lost about 40 pounds when I first moved out. It wasn’t that easy but with consistent exercise and cutting back on the food, it was achievable. I’ve been thinking about what I am doing now and it’s the diet – the Hunter’s diet. He is a meat and potatoes kind of guy. I need less of both. I need more veggies, more salad, more yogurt, more fish (he hates fish) and less of all the things he makes. Sigh.

On the positive side, he loves veggies, loves salads and eats them all. He has cut back on making big meals during the week because we don’t have that much time, but I need to figure out some healthier solutions for me. I need to prioritize a healthier diet for me. I need to control my portions. I need to have some better options for my sweet tooth.

I dumped the personal trainer – the money is too much and quite frankly I was getting a bit bored with his routines. He tried to coax me back into his group classes, but those are too intense. Right now I am walking the dogs for about an hour or more a day and then I have access to a gym which I use at least twice a week. What’s interesting to me is that I have learned enough over the years from the trainers, the boot camps, the Y classes, to develop some decent routines that work all areas of my body, so I feel like I’m getting great workouts.

Now I need to focus on results. I think that’s the key for life right now. I need results (and a smaller dress size). Now I’m off to the grocery store to stock up on healthy options.

Crazy Week

Here we are midway through the week and it has been a rollercoaster.  Twists and turns, but great excitement.  I’ll write more this weekend, but for now just know that life is one heck of a journey for me right now!

My New Discovery

I have never been a drinker. I like a glass or two of wine, a beer, a good cosmo or coconut rum with some pineapple juice and a splash of lime, but after two drinks I am DONE. I hate hangovers and I’ll puke at the drop of a hat if I’m really drunk. It makes me a cheap, but sober date.

The Hunter is a daily pot smoker and while I enjoy the occasional buzz, I don’t like smoking. It’s too harsh on my lungs. Last week, the Hunter told me that he could get me some edibles and what would I like? Interesting….I decided on chocolate. He got me a chocolate bar and last weekend was hilarious. I have discovered edible cannabis and oh my!

First of all, I felt a bit like Alice in Wonderland with the Eat Me portion. I ate a piece of chocolate the size of my thumbnail –that was it. An hour or so later……I was floating away. It was a very different buzz from smoking. I was bit high energy and bouncy at first, not really sleepy. It was relaxing and I enjoyed it. I had a second piece after a couple of hours and that put me out for the night. The next morning I woke up with a bit of fuzzy head from it all and realized that two pieces is probably one piece too many for the lightweight that I am. I went back to one piece and enjoyed it.

The Hunter’s reaction was priceless. When I was buzzed and happy, he had a big “YES!” because he finally hit on some cannabis I really enjoy. It’s going to have to be only weekend fun for me, but I like this way better than smoking. Add in a beer or some coconut rum and the party has cranked up…..

Damn, Life is Complicated

Life is moving along and quite interesting right now. We have been really busy and the Hunter’s company has launched to resounding great response. He’s already been asked to submit a proposal to a huge company and has strong leads for two others. It has finally dawned on him that this new gig can be an incredible success. Duh! I knew this man had it in him and it just needed to be unleashed. We work well together and make a great team because our strengths complement one another while our weaknesses are compensated by the other.

For me, it appears my new company will launch very soon. My situation is a bit complicated and those who know my boss have advised me to lawyer up. Therefore, I’ll be meeting with my Ex on this week. He’s willing to help, I trust him and since I know he’s an asshole, why not unleash that on my soon-to-be former boss?! I’ve got a website under design, new business phone and a colleague who is just as excited and invested into the dream as me. It’s nerve-wrackingly thrilling.

Then we have the romantic relationship of me and the Hunter. It’s an interesting dynamic when you are working and living virtually 24/7 with a person. Right now he is off at a seminar and exam that has him overnight in another town. He’s been a bit distant literally and for several nights this past week he slept in the other bedroom. His claim is that I’m crowding him in our queen size bed or snoring or whatever. This situation lightly concerns me and makes me sad. I feel a waning of physical affection from him and not only from the sex. Yes, I have to realize that we are both in a stressful, intense professional phase of our lives. Yes, I have to live with the ramifications of my recent tirade about my life and that tirade has come back to bite me in the ass a bit. Yes, I know the man has test anxiety.

The Hunter’s anxiety comes out in interesting ways. He wants to know that if this new company doesn’t work, are we over? He wants to know that when the lease on this not-so-great house is up, are we over? On that one, I told him that if I wanted it over, a lease on a house wouldn’t stop me. His old jealousy rears its head and he questions me occasionally. I have nothing to hide, and since we are together so often it annoys me slightly. He asked what I have been writing on my blog and I’ve told him nothing –we are too busy. I have to remind myself that these are only symptoms of his anxiety. We all show our vulnerabilities different ways and the Hunter shows his by testing/questioning my love. I get it, I really do. I also know that working from home causes cabin fever. We both realize that and we each individually take steps to get up and out of the house several times during the week. We are also taking steps to go out with our friends separately so we have something to bring back to share with the other.

He’s taking an exam today that is huge for him. Add to the stress of the exam the fact that his eyeglasses broke right before he left town. He’s forced to wire them back together and has an old semi-broken pair for backup, but it’s miserable. That alone would freak me out. The test is for a major accreditation that will give him a lot of credibility in his consulting, so he feels the pressure. While at the conference, he’s been asked to immediately take another big exam next week for another major accreditation that he had but it lapsed (lack of money to renew it). He needs to immediately pass the second test so he can teach a course. Yes, he’s being asked to teach.

His future is blindingly bright. I know that between the two of us, we will make it a resounding success. He has asked me to help and I am grateful that he will ask for help. I told him this and he shakes his head in disbelief. Obviously he hasn’t been married to someone who was a Know-It-All. We talked about that. I told him that my Ex would spur all my suggestions and offers to help. Anyway, I find the Hunter’s new company thrilling and I love working on it with him. I love discussing the strategy of it, how to put together the proposals that have been requested, how to market the firm. I get into a beautiful work flow that is fantastic.

Then we have him not in my bed every night. He fucks me occasionally and leaves the room. No snuggles. He doesn’t smooch on me like we use to. Our physical touch isn’t what it used to be, and I miss it. I told him that I miss it. Physical Touch is one of my Love Languages. I know the man loves me. I know that he has changed his life for me. BUT, I still need the touch. I still need the morning snuggle, the hug, those things that show me that he’s attracted to me.

He tells that I hate his dog. I think that part of my rant really hurt him. I do feel bad, but with all that is going on, when the puppy is picking on the other older dog, chews up my flipflops (I’m now down two pairs), pees on the floor still – that’s chaos I don’t like right now. The Kracken is now over 30 pounds.  He more than doubled his weight and size in a single month.  He’s almost 5 months old and I cannot imagine how big he will grow to be.  The barking gets on my nerves. But then the pup snuggles up to me and tries to woo me and love on me. I relinquish. Then he bites on me… sigh. I thought my child-rearing days were over….

So life in Maggie’s world is complicated, but isn’t life always a bit complicated? We have a lot going on. I need to remind myself to relax. Everything will work out.

Did I Screw the Pooch?

Perhaps I screwed the pooch when I let loose a barrage  of emotions and words last week.  The Hunter has been a little distant.  He is commenting on my faults and they have been sticking out more.

Just tonight we were watching Shameless and I made a critical/catty comment and the Hunter looked at me and said I shouldn’t be so critical.  That stung.  I was being judgmental but trying to be funny also. I asked him about it the next day and he said that it reminded him of his mom who was always critical.  Ouch.

Earlier in the day I told him I was sorry that my controlling behaviors were popping up.  They are sprouting everywhere and I have to bite my tongue and yet they still slip out.  Sigh.  It isn’t attractive.  He told me that I should relax and just let things flow.  He said he doesn’t really understand why I have to bite my tongue — basically he doesn’t really get my compulsion to control.  Yes, control because at the end of the day that is what I am attempting.

Add to the pile that I’m not very adventurous in the sack anymore.  He wants anal and I’ve lost interest in that.  Regular sex is still really good, but I’m pretty vanilla these days.

Is the end in sight? Is he tolerating me because right now he needs me to launch his new business? He doesn’t snuggle with me much.  Yesterday we had a great, vigorous round of sex and when he came, he got up and walked out of the room.  Nary a tender moment to be had.  WTF? That’s not the first time of late – as a matter of fact it’s fast becoming the new normal.

I don’t know. I am trying to reconnect and be sweet and loving. I was telling him that I appreciate his feedback on something and he said it makes the hair on his neck go up when I say things like that. I was simply trying to tell him I appreciate his candor.

Well, I need to use my words and try to figure out what’s up.

Letters to My Daughter & Her Hubby

My daughter, Taz, called me yesterday.  She had just completed a 40-day rotation without a single day off and where a good work day was only 14 hours.  She survived and is now at a different hospital and learning the lay of the land there. She even survived two shifts without a cell phone when she broke hers one morning.  Her hubby was out of town, so she had no one to help her get a new one.  Add to the fact that nowadays doctors and their cell phones are intrinsically wired together for innumerable reasons and yet somehow she survived.  I sent her and her hubby separate notes today and I’ll share them with you, Dear Readers.

Dear Taz,

I just wanted to send you a little note to hopefully brighten your day.  You have moved into a portion of your life’s journey that defies my comprehension at times.  Residency application process, marriage (although I do have some experience with that one!), graduation, beginning your residency all wrapped up in the span of a single year – that’s breath-takingly ambitious!  If anyone can make it through to the other side with all their marbles, that would be you.  I have always loved the fact that you have NEVER been one to shy away from a challenge.  You continue to impress me as you rise up to each and every new experience in your life.

When we talked yesterday, I loved your new mantra of “this day will end”.  That is so true and profound.  You are an amazing woman.  I love you very much. 

My heart goes out to her husband because he is undergoing his own series of transitions. He has a new wife who has no time for him, a new job and a new city.  I sent him a note as well.

Dear Hubby,

So, how are you enjoying the roller coaster of life with Taz?  Wow, what a ride it has been in the past year for you both!  I am so happy that she has a man who understands her for who she truly is and loves her as deeply as you do.  I am also incredibly impressed and proud of all that you have accomplished in the past year – moving twice, the wedding, getting a great job with a new company –navigating that new company to redefine your job, and so much more. 

I am sure that you and Taz are learning to navigate the shifts of compromise that are inherent in any relationship, but most particular to marriage. The good news is that you have unlocked one of the most important keys:  open communication.  As I hear about her hours and work load, I cannot imagine how you, as her partner, must feel as you watch her in action. 

My thoughts and love are with you both.

Parenting adult children is interesting.  The Hunter, last week, described me as a Mother Hen.  Not the sexiest description, but oh well.  I hope they enjoy the notes and the love I am sharing.  Now let me send one to my son along with his new AAA card.  LOL.  Yes, I’m feeling good today.  It’s been a much better week than last week.  My big D-Day of launching my new company  and the big confrontation of quitting my current job is fast approaching. I gotta get my ducks in a row, so let me run.

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