OK, this is me ranting so I can get it all out of my system. I usually feel much better after I write down all my grievances. Let’s hope that’s the case today.
I hate my job. I hate it today. I hate having to chase after new clients. I hate the constant rejection or disregard when I reach out to people. It’s brutal. I need to find new clients. I have to service the clients I have and right now they are all fraught with issues. I have some bat-shitty crazies I am dealing with right now that make me pull my hair out. People who are indecisive and then get upset because part of my job is to force them into a corner and force them into a decision. It’s frustrating. I have to work, but I really just want to win the lottery and live a life of leisure.
I have been working hard on creating a prospect database. It’s mind-numbing work. I send out introductory emails and letters. I make some phone calls. I send out a carefully crafted newsletter every two weeks. I’m on LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook. Fuck, I do it all. But the problem is that I have no patience. I know it takes 12 touches. 12 rejections and/or disregard before somebody will finally decide to even have a conversation. I’m not even close on the touches. Ugh. It’s brutal.
I’m not happy today. Not by a long shot. I wore a pretty dress to my business lunch and played nice with all my colleagues. My boss showed up unexpectedly and I showed everyone what a “team” we are. This whole starting a new company thing is tough. We are about a month away from the launch and I still have things to do to crank this sucker up.
At the same time, I’m kick-starting the Hunter’s new consulting business. I spent two business days this week creating a marketing piece, contract, and proposal for him. I reached out to a few more contacts to get opinions and begin opening doors for him. He’s nervous. I can see it. I think he’s afraid that if he isn’t successful at this venture that we are done. I don’t know. I can’t say for certain that there isn’t a grain of truth in that. I’m frustrated.
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Money is tight. I’m about to have someone follow me out the door of our current company because she believes in me. The Hunter is leaning on me to be the brains behind his new company. I know that I’ll have to go on the sales calls to help smooth the way. I own 25% of his company. I see its potential and perhaps I should say “Fuck it” and roll my dice on the Hunter’s company. It’s got an easier sales cycle and more potential. Perhaps that’s my long-term strategy. But I need to see him succeed at it before I jump in with both feet.
I just know that today I hate my job. I hate the puppy too. He’s noisy, willful and still isn’t housebroken. He threw up all over me this weekend when he got carsick on our little roadtrip. The Hunter planned this delightful outing for us to help my cabin fever. We took the Kracken because he’s too little to be left alone for 10+ hours. We got halfway to our final destination and the pup upchucked his breakfast all down my leg and on the floor of MY car. We had pulled over, but I wasn’t quick enough to toss him out so he tossed his biscuits on me. It was funny and the Hunter was wonderful about cleaning everything up. We ended up cutting the outing short and never reached our final destination. I spent the road trip with a 20 pound carsick puppy on my lap. It reminded me of motherhood – the self-sacrificing part I really didn’t enjoy.
I want out. I want out of all this stress and responsibility. I want out of this house that I insisted on renting that is too big. Now we have a puppy that is growing into a large dog, so that’s going to hamper our ability to lease anything else. I feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin today. My commute has begun to suck – school is back in session and now, if I try to leave in rush hour, it just increased 50% to 1-1/2 hours. I can’t do that. I can’t have a day where lunch and two appointments are the max I can handle before I have to hit the road to miss traffic.
I need to take big action steps. EVERY DAY. Big, strong, self-assured action steps and I’m not doing it. I’m in the limbo stage of feeling like anything I do now may benefit my current company and yet, I know I need to keep pounding the pavement because people hire me because of me, not my company. It’s been that way for 15 years. None of my clients really know my company or its leadership – they never have. I need to figure out my life. I need to figure out my career. I need to win the lottery…..