"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for August, 2016

Journaling the Truth

I have recovered from my meltdown last week. I unleashed that rant on the Hunter after I wrote it. I added in some extra stuff, tears and really let it all out. He took it well considering I basically said I hated the life we had together. He held it together and was actually great even though some of my thoughts pissed him off.

It appears that I am burned out in my current career. I just sat down at my desk, opened my emails and instead of being thrilled by some of the activities, I felt anxious and uninspired. Not a way to start a Monday. A good friend sent me something she read this weekend and I wanted to share it with you all.

Writing in your journal about what you really want will automatically attract circumstances that can arrange for those exact things to happen. That is why you must be very clear. They say “Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.” To some degree this is true, but in a good way; as these things you’ve always wanted begin to appear, you may realize that some are not so important to you after all.

Your vision will begin to shift and develop into what you truly desire. In fact, your vision may change dramatically over time, so it is a good idea to consistently re-create and revise your vision in your journal. If you do so, it will always reflect what you want to attract.

Actress Salma Hayek has talked about how she wished to be a famous actress, but as she achieved success in her own country as a beloved soap opera star, she questioned whether that role was the right thing for her. Later, when she became a successful actress in Hollywood (which everyone told her she was crazy to attempt, barely speaking English at the time), she again questioned whether the dream she had achieved was what she truly wanted. Finally, she realized that her dream was not just to be a famous actress, but to contribute something she was proud of —something that would be a lasting symbol of her voice in the world. She explained how she figured this out for herself: “How do you recognize what is your true dream and what is the dream that you are dreaming for other people to love you? If you enjoy the process, it’s your dream. If you are enduring the process, just desperate for the result, it’s somebody else’s dream.”

Use your journal to make certain that the work you are doing and the life you are living, every day, in your every action, reflects your true dream, not somebody else’s.

We have made the following decision: we will spend the next 18 months to 24 months pushing forward on our new companies. At the end of it we will sit down and decide if this is what we truly want. If it isn’t, we sell everything and hit the road. Sounds far-fetched, doesn’t it? I don’t think so. I’m finding that I am clinging to this life because it’s what is expected of me. I need to figure out how to unwind my bourgeois life and live more authentically. Now its time to get back to work to make some money so I can then uncover my true passion.

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Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

OK, this is me ranting so I can get it all out of my system.  I usually feel much better after I write down all my grievances.  Let’s hope that’s the case today.

I hate my job. I hate it today. I hate having to chase after new clients. I hate the constant rejection or disregard when I reach out to people. It’s brutal. I need to find new clients. I have to service the clients I have and right now they are all fraught with issues.  I have some bat-shitty crazies I am dealing with right now that make me pull my hair out.  People who are indecisive and then get upset because part of my job is to force them into a corner and force them into a decision.  It’s frustrating.  I have to work, but I really just want to win the lottery and live a life of leisure.

I have been working hard on creating a prospect database. It’s mind-numbing work. I send out introductory emails and letters. I make some phone calls. I send out a carefully crafted newsletter every two weeks. I’m on LinkedIn, Twitter, Facebook. Fuck, I do it all. But the problem is that I have no patience. I know it takes 12 touches. 12 rejections and/or disregard before somebody will finally decide to even have a conversation. I’m not even close on the touches. Ugh. It’s brutal.

I’m not happy today. Not by a long shot. I wore a pretty dress to my business lunch and played nice with all my colleagues. My boss showed up unexpectedly and I showed everyone what a “team” we are. This whole starting a new company thing is tough. We are about a month away from the launch and I still have things to do to crank this sucker up.

At the same time, I’m kick-starting the Hunter’s new consulting business. I spent two business days this week creating a marketing piece, contract, and proposal for him. I reached out to a few more contacts to get opinions and begin opening doors for him. He’s nervous. I can see it. I think he’s afraid that if he isn’t successful at this venture that we are done. I don’t know. I can’t say for certain that there isn’t a grain of truth in that. I’m frustrated.

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Money is tight. I’m about to have someone follow me out the door of our current company because she believes in me. The Hunter is leaning on me to be the brains behind his new company. I know that I’ll have to go on the sales calls to help smooth the way. I own 25% of his company. I see its potential and perhaps I should say “Fuck it” and roll my dice on the Hunter’s company. It’s got an easier sales cycle and more potential. Perhaps that’s my long-term strategy. But I need to see him succeed at it before I jump in with both feet.

I just know that today I hate my job. I hate the puppy too. He’s noisy, willful and still isn’t housebroken. He threw up all over me this weekend when he got carsick on our little roadtrip. The Hunter planned this delightful outing for us to help my cabin fever. We took the Kracken because he’s too little to be left alone for 10+ hours. We got halfway to our final destination and the pup upchucked his breakfast all down my leg and on the floor of MY car. We had pulled over, but I wasn’t quick enough to toss him out so he tossed his biscuits on me. It was funny and the Hunter was wonderful about cleaning everything up. We ended up cutting the outing short and never reached our final destination. I spent the road trip with a 20 pound carsick puppy on my lap. It reminded me of motherhood – the self-sacrificing part I really didn’t enjoy.

I want out. I want out of all this stress and responsibility. I want out of this house that I insisted on renting that is too big. Now we have a puppy that is growing into a large dog, so that’s going to hamper our ability to lease anything else. I feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin today. My commute has begun to suck – school is back in session and now, if I try to leave in rush hour, it just increased 50% to 1-1/2 hours. I can’t do that. I can’t have a day where lunch and two appointments are the max I can handle before I have to hit the road to miss traffic.

I need to take big action steps. EVERY DAY. Big, strong, self-assured action steps and I’m not doing it. I’m in the limbo stage of feeling like anything I do now may benefit my current company and yet, I know I need to keep pounding the pavement because people hire me because of me, not my company. It’s been that way for 15 years. None of my clients really know my company or its leadership – they never have. I need to figure out my life. I need to figure out my career. I need to win the lottery…..

Zip Ties and Relationships

I’ve been busy and must apologize for not writing, but life has been hectic. Last week I had a eureka moment with the Hunter that I wanted to share with you, Dear Readers. The Hunter was working on repairing our fence because of the new puppy — oh yes, I’ll tell you about the puppy later. Anyway, the chain-link fence had some holes that were perfect for a puppy to scoot through. The Hunter got some wire fencing and was attaching it to the existing fence line with zip ties. He was working away and doing his usual thorough, methodical, thoughtful job and making it look effortless.

I popped outside to give him some water and see how it was going. The puppy was sprawled in the shade. The Hunter was almost done and it looked great. I was watching him work on the final hole and I noticed that another piece of fence was loose from the top of the frame. I pointed it out to him and he came over and added a couple of zip ties to secure it better.

Later he laughed about it because he said that the zip ties were only there to make me happy and wouldn’t affect the fence’s performance. The Hunter went on to say that sometimes you need to do things in a relationship that you know don’t really matter in the vast scheme of things, but you know they will make your partner happy. Like zip ties on a small section of fence. I found that immensely profound.

He’s right. Sometimes it’s important to do things for your partner just to let them know that you care. It doesn’t matter one iota, but it makes them happy. I know that I can be bossy. Yes, bossy, which I know is somewhat of an anti-feminist term these days. But I am. I have an opinion and will voice it in the belief that my solution is the only one or the best one. I have to remind myself to sit back and take a breath because 1) not everyone needs/wants my solutions 2) oftentimes my advice is for adults and they can figure it out without me taking control of the situation 3) I need to conserve my time and energy on things that matter to me first and foremost. The Hunter takes my bossiness in stride. He recognizes that my bossiness comes from a place of care and concern, so sometimes he puts a couple of zip ties on the fence just to make me happy.

Now about the puppy — he is an adorable terror. The Kracken, as he will be known here, arrived at 6 weeks of age and just over 5 pounds. He is now about 9 weeks old and over 12 pounds. He is a hound mix with a howling bark that is beautiful to hear. The Kracken talks back to us both when scolded (oh yes, it’s ridiculous) so we have our hands full with him. He’s terrorizing my ancient Lhasa Apso, but I think the Lhasa is secretly enjoying it occasionally. He chases the Lhasa and grabs his feathery tail like he’s grabbing a wild boar (that’s his breeding). The Lhasa fusses and then they start again. Yes, we intercede after a few minutes.  

This puppy is a snapshot of child rearing for us and we are endlessly amused watching the other parent. I have firm expectations, use diversionary tactics or a quick swat when inappropriate behavior occurs and read books on puppy training incessantly.  The Hunter is full of love and patience, then he yells and stomps his foot. He listens to my ideas and tries them all.  The Kracken talks back, we all giggle and start again. God help us. Like I have time for this? But the dog is so smart, so very smart and we are fortunate to work from home so he’s getting the very best start a puppy could want. Plus he’s got a very secure backyard to play in thanks to the Hunter and his zip ties.

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