I feel the swell of anxiety inside of me. It’s tight, scary and I feel like I’m walking a tightrope. Last week when I woke at night, it would descend upon me instantly. It would erase all thoughts of sleep as my mind spun on an endless loop of fear. This week has been better, but now I just paid bills and looked at my future income forecast and the anxiety reappeared in full force. It makes me really cranky.
This year with wedding, trips surrounding Taz, less income, my son’s Study Aboard in Asia, and who knows what else, money has drained from my account at a rapid pace. Couple that with less than normal income and I feel the strain. I just looked at a two-month cash flow and added in the new company expenses, which are minimal, but constant. It makes me scared, terrified. Somehow my credit card debt has escalated and I know why, I leaned on my credit cards during the lean months and now I’m paying the piper. They are almost maxed out. I borrowed from my 401k to shore up my cash flow and that money is almost gone leaving behind a sizable monthly loan repayment. Now we are living in a place where the rent is more because we based it on two incomes. The Hunter’s unemployment insurance will hopefully cover his COBRA insurance, but nothing more. That means I must feed and house us both, plus create enough new business to take care of us and my partner.
The Hunter is figuring out his next step. I am blessed that I have a lovely client who is throwing some business his way to help him out. That will help us in the short term. I have some paperwork to do for my mom’s estate which will ease the burden for few more months, but then I will be tapped out unless I withdraw from my 401k with the tax penalty. That’s better than ruining my credit, but it doesn’t make me happy.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I’m turning 52. I plan a quiet celebration, but I know that I have to get busy and really work hard now. It’s up to me and nobody else but me. I am re-working my business plan. I decided that I was trying to take too many and too large steps. I need to cut it down to basics and simply work my plan.
After I wrote the above, the Hunter walked into the room and I switched the screen out. He asked what I was writing and I said the blog, but it wasn’t ready and I didn’t feel like sharing it. He asked what I was thinking about and I told him that I was feeling really anxious. He smiled. Yes, he agreed. We are in a tight place right now. But he reassured me that we can both work hard and be successful. We just need to focus on work in the coming months. He told me that he is realizing that he needs to stop smoking pot completely since he can’t smoke in moderation. I looked at him and asked him, “am I asking too much of you? Do you want your simpler life back?”
He said no. He said that he wanted to prove to himself that he can be successful and not be a loser his whole life. I appreciate that sentiment because I feel the same way. It’s our time to ROAR. We just need focus and self-discipline. We will be fine. We won’t be homeless or hungry. Now, it’s time to have a drink because today was a doozy. Not only was I battling anxiety, but I had to deal with both my old landlord and my new one.