"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Money Woes

I feel the swell of anxiety inside of me. It’s tight, scary and I feel like I’m walking a tightrope. Last week when I woke at night, it would descend upon me instantly. It would erase all thoughts of sleep as my mind spun on an endless loop of fear. This week has been better, but now I just paid bills and looked at my future income forecast and the anxiety reappeared in full force. It makes me really cranky.

This year with wedding, trips surrounding Taz, less income, my son’s Study Aboard in Asia, and who knows what else, money has drained from my account at a rapid pace. Couple that with less than normal income and I feel the strain. I just looked at a two-month cash flow and added in the new company expenses, which are minimal, but constant. It makes me scared, terrified. Somehow my credit card debt has escalated and I know why, I leaned on my credit cards during the lean months and now I’m paying the piper. They are almost maxed out. I borrowed from my 401k to shore up my cash flow and that money is almost gone leaving behind a sizable monthly loan repayment. Now we are living in a place where the rent is more because we based it on two incomes. The Hunter’s unemployment insurance will hopefully cover his COBRA insurance, but nothing more. That means I must feed and house us both, plus create enough new business to take care of us and my partner.

The Hunter is figuring out his next step. I am blessed that I have a lovely client who is throwing some business his way to help him out. That will help us in the short term. I have some paperwork to do for my mom’s estate which will ease the burden for few more months, but then I will be tapped out unless I withdraw from my 401k with the tax penalty. That’s better than ruining my credit, but it doesn’t make me happy.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I’m turning 52. I plan a quiet celebration, but I know that I have to get busy and really work hard now. It’s up to me and nobody else but me. I am re-working my business plan. I decided that I was trying to take too many and too large steps. I need to cut it down to basics and simply work my plan.

After I wrote the above, the Hunter walked into the room and I switched the screen out. He asked what I was writing and I said the blog, but it wasn’t ready and I didn’t feel like sharing it. He asked what I was thinking about and I told him that I was feeling really anxious. He smiled. Yes, he agreed. We are in a tight place right now. But he reassured me that we can both work hard and be successful. We just need to focus on work in the coming months. He told me that he is realizing that he needs to stop smoking pot completely since he can’t smoke in moderation. I looked at him and asked him, “am I asking too much of you? Do you want your simpler life back?”

He said no. He said that he wanted to prove to himself that he can be successful and not be a loser his whole life. I appreciate that sentiment because I feel the same way. It’s our time to ROAR. We just need focus and self-discipline. We will be fine. We won’t be homeless or hungry. Now, it’s time to have a drink because today was a doozy.  Not only was I battling anxiety, but I had to deal with both my old landlord and my new one.


Comments on: "Money Woes" (7)

  1. I can empathize with your situation – I had a wonderful freelance job that I lost back in February and, since then, my bank balance has been dropping and dropping. I hadn’t realized how much I depended on the extra income! I must start to analyze my spending and figure out where I can cut corners. That’s going to be an adjustment for me because, while we were never wealthy, I was always able to purchase day to day things, groceries, and the occasional luxury item like a massage or having my nails done, without having to ever worry if there was money in the bank to cover it. I had continued the same way after the ex and I split — but that will have to stop now. I hate that waking in the night with worrisome thoughts and then being unable to get back to sleep. Here’s hoping that Hunter finds a great job quickly and that your business takes off!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Ugh – I feel for you! I am confident that we will be fine – it’s just that road in between appears to be full of potholes. I too have been tightening the belt the past year, while – it’s not enough, it does help

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hugs.
    Envision what you want, and it’ll come to you when you need it.
    And how pleased I am for you that you have a great partner to share this with.
    Sending more hugs and love.


    • Thank you! I had a couple of ideas last night on some work I can do that will bring in some good $$ and the Hunter has figured out another side gig that will bring in some $$. We are resourceful!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I never doubted your resourcefulness! I’m starting to wonder how I’ll manage after the divorce is settled, but I’m also looking into other options. Just not sure I have enough energy for it at the moment, with all the shit the ex is putting me through. Each battle in its own time. I’ll keep my eyes open and will take each step separately. For now, it means not changing much. I may have to wait a year, or something better will come up when I am finally free. I have to trust that the Universe will provide 🙂
        Good luck!


      • I agree that everything has its time and the power of the laws of attraction. I’ve been told by many to set up my own company for years, but it has taken all that time for me to feel ready for that step. Now I feel empowered and strong as I make my plans, so I know it’s the right step.

        Good luck to you – I’m sending you thoughts of support and strength thru this difficult time.

        Liked by 1 person

      • LAst night was a bit tough. Today I’m feeling chirper. Not fine (I probably won’t feel completely fine until I hear from my love, but that’s another story!), but at least not as dark as last night. Need sleep though 🙂


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