"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for July, 2016

The Unrealistic Optimist

I expect instant, unrealistic  results.  I’ve been working out religiously but haven’t changed my diet yet I am disappointed that the scale has not budged. I have been putting more energy into business development but have yet to gain a new client (I have a long sales cycle so that’s reasonable).  We have a new puppy and I expect him to have manners overnight.I make long To Do lists for work and home and become frustrated when I can’t complete 1-2 weeks worth of work in a single day.I just re-wrote my business plan because I had crammed too much into it.

I’m overly optimistic and dare I say unrealistic  about life and it spills over into how much I expect of myself and others with oftentimes me becoming  disappointed.  I have never hit my projected income goal yet every year there it is.  I haven’t seen my targeted goal weight yet and I’ve been “trying” for a decade.  

I tell myself just to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  True, but I also need to work smarter by saying NO more often.  I need to value my time more and stop taking meetings that cost me too much of my valuable work hours. I need to focus on my future but realistically. The next year is going to be tough. No vacations, few dinners out – very frugal and I am going to have to work longer hours 50-60 hour weeks.

The Hunter is helping me and doing an outstanding job doing a task I despise – cold calling.  He excels at it with his beautiful deep authoritative voice and quick thinking, but I know it is wearing so I only ask for 100 dials.  My client’s job for the Hunter didn’t materialize and his unemployment hasn’t begun, so he is dead broke.  He doesn’t feel well today and has a colonoscopy next week, so he was moody.  The puppy’s demands can sometimes stress us. Our idea for his new business seems brilliant but how long is the ramp up time? We have 2 meetings this week to pick the brains of some of my colleagues to see if our idea is as brilliant as I think. 

Life is tough right now.  My commute is long and when school starts in a few weeks it will become even worse. I arrive home tired and need time to decompress but that is off-putting to the Hunter. I find myself sitting in the driveway for 5-10 minutes wrapping up a call, listening to NPR and procrastinating. 

My boss’ disrespect and lack of support are clearly evident even to blithely optimistic me.  I am suppose to be his “partner” yet my contact info on our webpage is his phone & email.  That was a slap across the face.  First he didn’t tell me it was being overhauled, then I discover the contact info.  I haven’t said anything – what’s the upside? He told a vendor that he wouldn’t expand a service I need because he thinks I’m just going to “dabble”. It just confirmed what I already knew– he no longer trusts me.I thought he had my back, but he only sees me as an income stream.  

What have I done? I wasted my money over the past 3 years.  I lost my focus and mojo which will take me 2 years or more to recover. Yes 2 years.  It’s like starting from almost zero. i can do this.  I have done it before and I can do hard things, but tonight I’m tired and feel defeated. The Hunter went to bed in a snit and here I sit with a worn out pup on my lap watching the convention.  Even the news defeats me so I’m taking a break. I’ll write something more uplifting in a couple of days.  I’m fine – just looking at the boulder I need to roll up the mountain.

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Money Woes

I feel the swell of anxiety inside of me. It’s tight, scary and I feel like I’m walking a tightrope. Last week when I woke at night, it would descend upon me instantly. It would erase all thoughts of sleep as my mind spun on an endless loop of fear. This week has been better, but now I just paid bills and looked at my future income forecast and the anxiety reappeared in full force. It makes me really cranky.

This year with wedding, trips surrounding Taz, less income, my son’s Study Aboard in Asia, and who knows what else, money has drained from my account at a rapid pace. Couple that with less than normal income and I feel the strain. I just looked at a two-month cash flow and added in the new company expenses, which are minimal, but constant. It makes me scared, terrified. Somehow my credit card debt has escalated and I know why, I leaned on my credit cards during the lean months and now I’m paying the piper. They are almost maxed out. I borrowed from my 401k to shore up my cash flow and that money is almost gone leaving behind a sizable monthly loan repayment. Now we are living in a place where the rent is more because we based it on two incomes. The Hunter’s unemployment insurance will hopefully cover his COBRA insurance, but nothing more. That means I must feed and house us both, plus create enough new business to take care of us and my partner.

The Hunter is figuring out his next step. I am blessed that I have a lovely client who is throwing some business his way to help him out. That will help us in the short term. I have some paperwork to do for my mom’s estate which will ease the burden for few more months, but then I will be tapped out unless I withdraw from my 401k with the tax penalty. That’s better than ruining my credit, but it doesn’t make me happy.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I’m turning 52. I plan a quiet celebration, but I know that I have to get busy and really work hard now. It’s up to me and nobody else but me. I am re-working my business plan. I decided that I was trying to take too many and too large steps. I need to cut it down to basics and simply work my plan.

After I wrote the above, the Hunter walked into the room and I switched the screen out. He asked what I was writing and I said the blog, but it wasn’t ready and I didn’t feel like sharing it. He asked what I was thinking about and I told him that I was feeling really anxious. He smiled. Yes, he agreed. We are in a tight place right now. But he reassured me that we can both work hard and be successful. We just need to focus on work in the coming months. He told me that he is realizing that he needs to stop smoking pot completely since he can’t smoke in moderation. I looked at him and asked him, “am I asking too much of you? Do you want your simpler life back?”

He said no. He said that he wanted to prove to himself that he can be successful and not be a loser his whole life. I appreciate that sentiment because I feel the same way. It’s our time to ROAR. We just need focus and self-discipline. We will be fine. We won’t be homeless or hungry. Now, it’s time to have a drink because today was a doozy.  Not only was I battling anxiety, but I had to deal with both my old landlord and my new one.

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