When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun
Those days are gone
I think of all the friends I’ve known
But when I dial the telephone
All by myself
Don’t want to be all by myself anymore
All by myself
Don’t want to live all by myself anymore
One of my more difficult transitions from married life to single life was confronting and dealing with loneliness. During my marriage, I quit talking to my Ex during the work day. If one of us called before lunch, it was because something serious that needed to be addressed had happened. When I moved out, I didn’t think I needed idle chitchat of how my day went. I was wrong. I soon found myself often alone with my dog and cat in front of the TV. I was busy with work, gym, friends. I kept my social calendar thriving but not overly full. Sometimes I could have an entire weekend completely alone. It was during one of those weekends that I created this blog. I needed to connect and I needed to be heard even if I am a bit of an introvert. I needed to release my innermost thoughts.
I recognized my need to be connected to someone who cares about me somewhat early on. I had men that I texted and sexted with to keep the lonely blues at bay, but I was always ready to dive into a deeper relationship than what they wanted. I think many of us seek that person who you can check in with during the day to relay the good, the bad, the mundane. Sometimes I simply wanted someone to know that I am alive.
Now I have the Hunter in my life. In the beginning, he was incessant about calling multiple times during the day. I think part of it was the boredom of his then job, but I think part of it was the joy of having that special connection to someone who always listens and cares. He still calls me every morning to wish me good morning and make sure I’m up, and I love that call. However, I see him evolving. He is very busy these days and his calls are rushed now and perhaps a bit rote. As he becomes more successful, he becomes a little more wrapped up in his job and himself. I get it. I am guilty of that too. The challenge is to keep the connection sparking.
But back to loneliness. I have asked myself what would come of me if things ended with me and the Hunter. Would I immediately seek another man? Would I lean into my solitude? My mother was solitary and not by choice. She picked bad men, wounded souls. I think it’s because she was lonely and never learned how to make friends. She didn’t have girlfriends to hang out with. I know I need to work on friendships and perhaps work harder than I would like too. I have realized many of my single girlfriends need to be invited, I cannot wait for them to invite me. I know moving to this new area has the potential of isolating me. I have friends around there from work that I haven’t developed because of geographic distance, so I will need to be proactive. I have just joined a gym and I’ll be starting with some business organizations as well mainly for the social aspect.
Loneliness is scary for many people. I need to recognize it and make sure my actions aren’t a reaction to a fear of being alone and don’t allow myself to become isolated. If I am feeling lonely, then I must take constructive steps to address it: cultivate new friendships, tap existing acquaintances to see if they can develop into closer relationships, contact friends even if it’s just a check-in call. It takes action and effort — two of my major focus points this year.