"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for June, 2016

Another Shitty Monday

Monday, Monday, can’t trust that day;
Monday, Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way.
Oh, Monday morning, you gave me no warning of what was to be.
Oh, Monday, Monday, how could you leave and not take me?

The Mamas and the Papas

And as I write this, it isn’t even over…..

My heart stopped today and then it tore a bit. The Hunter was, without warning or just cause, fired from his dream job today – on a Monday morning no less. He was brought into the office by his new boss, who has been on the job for about two months, and fired in front of his brand new supervisor, who has been on the job for about three weeks. Apparently the company’s top dog didn’t like the Hunter, so the new boss is firing the Hunter rather than standing up to the top dog. It makes no sense to us. There was absolutely no warning – it was a complete ambush. The cause they used was weak and one that would usually result in perhaps some counseling if even that, but the boss, when the Hunter suggested this, said that he didn’t have time to do that. His supervisor cried out, “Boss, what are you doing??” because he didn’t even know this was coming.

It all doesn’t really matter – the Why, the empathy, the reason. They betrayed the Hunter. This great job for which we moved out of my cozy townhouse and set ways is gone. The funny thing is that I am happy about the move and have no regrets about it. I just feel so hurt and anguished about the Hunter. He’s a good man who was working diligently and giving it his all. He got more done than his predecessor and was well-regarded, or so we thought. Words cannot describe my anguish and anxiety over his situation. Words cannot describe my anger at his now former employer to have treated him so shabbily. Welcome to corporate America, I suppose. I just want to call his former boss and the top dog and rant at them, but it will do no good. I want answers, but in today’s legally-charged environment, answers will not be provided. All I know is that the boss will provide a letter of recommendation. Wow, I’ll believe it when I see it.

I look back on the times I have been fired and once when my Ex was fired the week after our first child was born. He was actually given a month to find a job before they cut the strings, but every firing has always been horrible in its own unique way. Every time, I have been fired it’s not because I have done something so grossly incompetent, but simply a change in management who comes in and cleans house. Every time it has been a blow to my ego and made me sit down and re-group, re-think how I want to live my life. The last firing was five years ago this summer. It was due to a new manager who was brought in to whip our office into shape and force us to conform to the corporate norms. I knew I would be fired within about 30 days of her entrance and sure enough, I lasted 6 months, long enough to make some contingency plans after a lovely bout of denial.

I feel a lot of anxiety right now. I am in the planning stages of launching my own company; money is tight already for me even without the company launch. I cannot postpone my launch for very long. Once I re-negotiated my position last summer with my boss, he has shut down on me. I have become an income stream and no longer a valued partner. I took his assistant out to lunch with my teammate and she vomited so many disconcerting things that I was rocked to my core and began the earnest planning of my own firm immediately. My teammate was similarly aghast and she will be joining me.

Everything is up in the air. Everything is spinning and now I need money. Lots and lots of money, so I better get back to work and make some because my lottery ticket didn’t win this week.

All By Myself?

When I was young
I never needed anyone
And making love was just for fun

Those days are gone
Living alone
I think of all the friends I’ve known
But when I dial the telephone
Nobody’s home

All by myself
Don’t want to be all by myself anymore
All by myself
Don’t want to live all by myself anymore

Eric Carmen

One of my more difficult transitions from married life to single life was confronting and dealing with loneliness.  During my marriage, I quit talking to my Ex during the work day. If one of us called before lunch, it was because something serious that needed to be addressed had happened. When I moved out, I didn’t think I needed idle chitchat of how my day went. I was wrong. I soon found myself often alone with my dog and cat in front of the TV.  I was busy with work, gym, friends. I kept my social calendar thriving but not overly full. Sometimes I could have an entire weekend completely alone. It was during one of those weekends that I created this blog. I needed to connect and I needed to be heard even if I am a bit of an introvert. I needed to release my innermost thoughts. 

I recognized my need to be connected to someone who cares about me somewhat early on. I had men that I texted and sexted with to keep the lonely blues at bay, but I was always ready to dive into a deeper relationship than what they wanted. I think many of us seek that person who you can check in with during the day to relay the good, the bad, the mundane. Sometimes I simply wanted someone to know that I am alive. 

Now I have the Hunter in my life. In the beginning, he was incessant about calling multiple times during the day. I think part of it was the boredom of his then job, but I think part of it was the joy of having that special connection to someone who always listens and cares. He still calls me every morning to wish me good morning and make sure I’m up, and I love that call. However, I see him evolving. He is very busy these days and his calls are rushed now and perhaps a bit rote.  As he becomes more successful, he becomes a little more wrapped up in his job and himself. I get it. I am guilty of that too.  The challenge is to keep the connection sparking. 

But back to loneliness.   I have asked myself what would come of me if things ended with me and the Hunter. Would I immediately seek another man? Would I lean into my solitude? My mother was solitary and not by choice.  She picked bad men, wounded souls. I think it’s because she was lonely and never learned how to make friends. She didn’t have girlfriends to hang out with. I know I need to work on friendships and perhaps work harder than I would like too.  I have realized many of my single girlfriends need to be invited, I cannot wait for them to invite me. I know moving to this new area has the potential of isolating me. I have friends around there from work that I haven’t developed because of geographic distance, so I will need to be proactive. I have just joined a gym and I’ll be starting with some business organizations as well mainly for the social aspect. 

Loneliness is scary for many people. I need to recognize it and make sure my actions aren’t a reaction to a fear of being alone and don’t allow myself to become isolated. If I am feeling lonely, then I must take constructive steps to address it: cultivate new friendships, tap existing acquaintances to see if they can develop into closer relationships, contact friends even if it’s just a check-in call. It takes action and effort — two of my major focus points this year. 

On the Road Again…..Someday

Woah, all I want is on the road again
Just can’t wait to get on the road again
The life I love is makin’ music with my friends

And I can’t wait to get on the road again
On the road again
Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway

We’re the best of friends
Insisting that the world be runnin’ our way
And our way is on the road again

I can’t wait to get on the road again
The life I love is makin’ music with my friends
And I can’t wait to get on the road again
I can’t wait to get on the road again

Willie Nelson

There is a new company called Roam. Their concept is to co-live in amazing spaces across the world. It’s for the work-independent types who don’t have a 9-5 job and can work remotely. This screamed at me when I saw the first location they opened was Bali, then Miami and Madrid is opening as we speak with London next. Bali is at the tiptop of my bucket list and has been for decades, so of course I see this as a sign. Imagine living in these amazing cities for $1800/month. Yes, a beautiful room, well-designed common areas, etc for only $1800/month and they encourage you to stay for more than a month at each. 

My imagination runs amuck with this. I need to transition my life to embrace such an adventure. This is what I want!! I want few to no strings, the nomadic wandering life with the Hunter by my side exploring the world. How romantic! How adventurous!! We already want to roam the US in an RV – this just expands that adventure by a few continents. 

Now practically speaking, the Hunter is not too interested in globe-trotting and his work will keep him location-bound always. I don’t foresee being able to do this unless we hit the lottery or retire early. I guess I need to go buy my lottery ticket today. As that old joke goes, God can’t let answer my prayer and me win unless I buy the damn ticket!

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