"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

My life is a whirlwind and I need to accept that the wind of change is blowing fiercely this year. My children are brilliant in their own respective ways. Taz is poised for such an amazing, successful life.  Her hubby achieved the impossible — an amazing, high-profile job in their new locale. Their new apartment lease is signed, she is headed into one of the top programs in her field. Their lives are shining so brightly that I am secretly praying that it continues unabated forever.  They are at a high pinnacle of success and happiness that will probably only happen a couple of times in their life, but I don’t want to say that.  Instead, I savor their happiness and success. 

We just ran a quick errand in preparation of her graduation. We talked about her amazing synchronization of events.  We talked about her pending residency. We also touched on priorities. She is committed to having a family and being as actively involved as I was in attending the vast majority of my kids’ events. That takes determination and a willingness to subrogate your life for others, so we will see. I am grateful that she has such a strong sense of family and has already relayed this to her hubby. She is slowly realizing her years of fiercely fighting and competing for top spots and success can now wane. She is a doctor, her residency is set.  But I know her competitiveness will only shift, but never subside. 

The Hunter is also on a fantastic trajectory of success. His new job is tapping into his many talents and now he is truly appreciated and recognized as the rock star he is. His new boss insisted that he apply for a promotion and the job description fits his current duties to a T.  He loves his work and is happier than ever.  I love seeing his growing confidence, self-esteem and well-deserved success. He has just about doubled his income since we have met. The Hunter has big plans for us and how we can make even more money. I love his energy and creativity. I am so proud of him that I could burst. He is tapping into his true potential and making vast career strides. 

I, on the other hand, am still struggling to kick my business development into overdrive. Work was very complicated this week and my boss was unavailable.  His daughter is graduating,and this coupled with previous family deaths, has made him distant and not focused on our firm this year.  I need him right now, but since I re-negotiated my contract, he has become distant and I feel a barrier between us. Now, more than ever, I feel like only an employee or income stream. I don’t feel valued.  With my pending move outside our city, I believe he thinks I am leaving.  He may make it a self-fulfilling prophecy if we cannot bridge this abyss. His only communications with me that he initiates revolve around how I am servicing his client. No new ideas, no encouragement. Just whatever benefits him directly. Our day of reckoning is approaching.

My other wince is with the Hunter. His communication during the work day has waned as he has gotten busier. Even over the weekend, he has relished his solitude and hasn’t really missed me, I think. I am initiating more and more of our daily contact. He didn’t fuck me before I left even though I was horny. He was tired and felt sore. Rather than just pouncing on him (which apparently is a form of confrontation for me), I didn’t insist. He commented on my timidity as we snuggled up to go to sleep.  He gently said that other women would have just grabbed his dick, sucked it, then fucked it. Shit, I guess I just need to grab the bull by his horn. LOL. 

I am ending the weekend on a bit of a melancholy note. I didn’t feel up to going to one of the parties — I was just too damn tired. I don’t know when I will next see Taz. She can’t visit for the holidays, although I could go see her. But the first year is stressful and complicated with both her and Hubby tackling new, stressful jobs in a big, new city. As I hugged her today, we talked about FaceTime, Snapchat and my favorite, snail mail. Then we have my son leaving for Asia in two weeks. My dad told me today that both my kids are gone for all intents. He’s right. Those baby birds are now flying far from their nest, which is exactly how I raised them. 

But today is about the shining brillance of Taz. She is a rock star. 

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Comments on: "Blustery Winds of Change" (11)

  1. Reading this, I could feel the pride that your dear ones are succeeding, but also had some crazy sense that you felt left out. “Everybody is succeeding but me. I’m not as good as them”
    Or maybe it’s what I would be feeling 😉

    Good luck with settling the abysses!
    XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • You nailed it! I am feeling a bit left out. I suppose when everyone’s good news is so awesome, my ordinary life pales in comparison. I have some more writing and thinking to do on this topic. I need to focus on the positives though and realize how blessed I am that my loved ones are happy, healthy & successful. I am all those things too — I just need to believe in myself.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Exactly 🙂
        Glad I wasn’t out of line! I think I could feel his because we have some sort of shared background, in the way our lives went on until we made the choice to step out of crappy marriages.
        It’s good that you can be happy for your loved ones. And know that they will be happy for you too.
        Also, a little bit of this may be that you’re losing both kids. As a mom, someone who dedicated a good chunk of their life to taking care of them, part of your purpose is now gone too. Except it’s not really, is it? I mean, THAT’s your biggest success! And no one can take it away from you 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • It was bittersweet to hug Taz good-bye and know that she is 100% fully launched on her life journey. But you are right — my kids are my biggest success. I’m so very proud of them and that they are their own selves — true individuals who adore each other.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I remember how hard it was to hug my oldest baby goodbye after moving him for university. I am sure it must be even harder when they’re gone for good!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It is difficult to feel that sense of dissatisfaction with our jobs, live, relationships, etc. While I’m grateful to have a job, I often compare myself to my siblings — and even my children — who are so much more successful in their careers. While I was with my ex (and even now — we’re having a “no strings attached” sexual relationship) — I would become hurt and feel “less than” when I was always the one that had to initiate contact. At least I am aware of it now and can talk myself through it — and I’m less likely (I hope) to keep fucking the ex and justify it as being better than being alone and unfucked.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have my moments of frustration when I realize I seem to do all the initiating with friends (and sometimes family), but I have learned to shrug it off and I most definitely do NOT keep score — that would be awful.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Mama you’ll be fine. You’ve done your job perfectly … now it’s time

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I 💖 So much in this post. All these great things are happening around you. Give Hunter some time to acclimate to the new role and tell him how you are feeling about the communication.

    The year with Taz will probably wiz right by and I hope you decide to visit her so you can visit me too!! 👍🏻

    As far as the job, I have no doubt that it will right itself. Perhaps once you adjust the commute etc your boss will drop his gaurd?

    Liked by 1 person

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