Madeline insisted that I write about how the Hunter and I went about insuring that he had a clean health check for his new job. It is a funny story although at the time, I thought both of us would explode from stress over the situation. This post is for everyone who needs to pass a drug screening but isn’t clean.
The Hunter’s new employer moved through the hiring process at warp speed. We thought it would take perhaps 30 days and instead he was offered the job in the same week he applied. Yes, we were thankful that things were not drawn out, but he had to pass the drug test hurdle and he was not clean at all due to his daily smoking.
He came home happy but freaking out on how to handle the test. Interestingly, during his two previous drug screens for jobs prior to me, he said the staff was very suspicious., so he is incredibly nervous. He bought several drug tests and he failed the first one, which we knew would happen, but we wanted a benchmark. We went on the Internet to research the situation and it came down to two ways: a cleanse or a swap of urine at the test. It is said that our internet search history is perhaps the most intimate, revealing evidence of ourselves. Mine will fascinate an archaeologist from the future.
Anyway, I suggested that we visit the local head shop for advice, after all surely they deal with this daily. Our seasoned sale associate, with eyes as red as an albino bunny, advised us that the cleanse worked great or we could use synthetic urine. The Hunter opted for the cleanse. I was ambivalent about the cleanse because THC is stored in fat cells, so how would a cleanse flush this? We had the weekend to do a couple of experiments and trial runs.
Saturday morning the Hunter gets up and prepares for the cleanse. He decides in the name of science, that he would keep a log of each action and reaction. First, he needed a high fiber meal. I made him steel cut oatmeal, which he had never had. And he never will have again since he hated it with a passion. Next he drank the recommended amount of fluids including the cleanse. I can’t recall all of the steps, but he followed and documented them meticulously. We waited the allotted time and he took another drug test. Fail. He grabs the paperwork and packaging to consult with the head shop.
He returns with synthetic urine. Apparently synthetic urine is sold as a novelty kink item for those who enjoy a golden shower. It is real human urine which has been reconstituted from dried uric acid. For about $50 you get a low-tech kit consisting of a rubber band, hot pack (think hand warmer) and the urine which is in a simple plastic squeeze bottle that has a temperature strip on the outside. I could assemble all of these elements for $5 at Walmart.
The Hunter adamantly refused my idea of using my urine or his son’s (who was ironically clean). He wanted the professional stuff. I created a pouch in his underwear by sewing a side flap shut. I purchased extra hand warmers just in case. He practiced the placement of the bottle. He walked around the house so I could listen carefully for any sloshing liquid sounds — the jeans muffled the sound. We were ready. Nervous, but ready. The trick to the swap method is temperature. The urine needs to be between 95-99 degrees. You warm up the synthetic stuff in the microwave. Yes, I thoroughly cleaned EVERYTHING afterwards.
We head off to the urgicare center. Our smartest move was asking to go to the branch closest to our then current home rather than by his new employer. Our local center was lax while we later found out the other was vigilant and strict because the employer is a high-profile client there. Anyway, we walk in about an hour before closing. Timing is critical because of maintaining the urine temperature. The Hunter gets the paperwork and then they tell us that once we sign the drug screening consent we cannot leave the building until after the physical is completed. The clinic is packed, so I asked how long was the wait. One hour, we are told. I pause.
“Honey, I’m sorry but I can’t wait an hour and then another hour for your physical. I promised my sister we would go to her house for that thing.” The Hunter stares at me intently because he knows I don’t have a sister. I turn to the staff and sweetly say, “I’m sorry, but we are tight on time. I had no idea this would take two hours. Is it less crowded first thing in the morning?” They assure me yes, it’s quieter. I turn to the Hunter, “Darling, I am so sorry, but I promised her and we would be too late if we stay. Are you OK with coming back first thing tomorrow?” He slowly nods and hands the paperwork back to the staff.
I present like a very normal, nice, vanilla, professional woman. People don’t know that I will bend/break rules or step outside boundaries at the drop of a hat. I have tons of stories of me using my Miss Innocent persona to my advantage. This is one of those situations. I thank the staff, check my phone and say, “Honey, we must go now”, and head out the door. The Hunter follows gratefully. We decided on the way home that it had been a successful dry run. He was thankful for my decision to abort the mission.
The next morning was flawless. The urine was easily maintained at the perfect temperature (he absconded my favorite digital meat thermometer for the second attempt – I sterilized it thoroughly afterwards). We had no wait and the Hunter tried my “kill them with friendliness and chitchat” approach which worked like a charm. He passed with flying colors, no one was suspicious.
Now you know from the voice of experience on how to pass a drug screening. My hope is we never have to do this again — the stress was unbelievable LOL.