It has been an interesting week. Taz was here for three days for wedding planning. Man, this young woman can be tough for me to handle. She is so much like her father and it brings up some strong emotions in me at times. Before I rant, know that 70% of the time was fine. She had a couple of times when she snapped at me and I was dumbfounded because it was completely out of line. I swallowed my hurt and anger but became a bit cool. She calmed down and realized she overstepped, but the damage was done. Just like her dad.
One interesting thing is that perhaps I have been able to be a strong positive influence on her. I like to think so. On one ride home, we talked about her high school counselor, a man that I am forever thankful for being in my daughter’s life. She has stayed in touch with him and by some weird 6 degrees of separation, he is somehow related to a dear friend of the groom. We are talking a thousand mile connection – bizarre, but I digress.
Anyway, during Taz’s senior year of high school, she was a handful. Too smart for her own good, strong alpha personality, the rigors of all AP classes, the pressure of college application process and a host of other things in her life made her a force to be reckoned with. My Ex and Taz were clashing regularly and both expected me to resolve it. I was stuck in the middle with my Ex bitterly complaining about her, directing me to correct her and then furious when I apparently “failed”. Taz was simply growing to hate her dad for all his controlling actions. In steps the high school counselor who wisely told Taz that her dad was never going to change — most adults don’t, so she needed to decide if she could accept her dad for who he is. He told her much more, and she listened to him. Heaven has a special place for people like that counselor. I begged him not to retire until my son graduated and fortunately my son was also able to benefit from his wisedom when I moved out of the house before my son’s senior year.
But returning to the present, Taz really churned up some emotions in me. They weren’t all happy thoughts either. She said some really sweet and loving things but then she zapped me a couple of times. The Hunter has gently asked if I am over-reacting. Perhaps, but I know without a doubt that she will not be my caretaker when I get old and senile. She’s too tough. She is headed for a glittering, successful career at the top of her profession. She will be a rock star and I am so proud of her. I just hope that the success doesn’t come at the sacrifice of her loved ones.
Then after the highs and lows of Taz’s visit, I ran into a colleague at a cocktail party. She told me she ran into my Ex at the bar of her neighborhood restaurant. She told me that he’s excited for the wedding, worried about walking Taz down the stairs in her dress and then she told me that he looked so woebegone. That it is glaringly apparent that he pines for me. WTF. I told her that perhaps if he wasn’t such an asshole we would still be married.
After I left I called a girlfriend to discuss the conversation. Why the hell did my colleague feel the need to share the conversation with me? She could have simply told me that they ran into each other and left it at that. As I told my girlfriend, part of me wanted to tell my colleague not to have pity on my Ex because he hates her and always called her a dyke when we were married. But there was no upside for me to do that. I simply had to listen and then retreat. My Ex also talked shit about all my business colleagues. He had nothing nice to say about any of them. It always pissed me off because if he was insulting/belittling those in my trade, wasn’t he also doing the same to me? I asked him once and he kinda of laughed and admitted that I was right — he didn’t have any respect for my work.
In any case, it feels good to write this and get it off my chest and out of my brain. Today I feel fabulous. I figured out some complex financial stuff, cleaned my office and flirted with the Hunter. I broke my alcohol-free January a bit early and feel great about it. My positive affirmations are working and I see a very bright and happy future before me. I found my dress for the wedding and Taz said that it was the most beautiful dress she has ever seen me wear. Let’s leave it there – happy.