"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Post Christmas Thoughts

I know that divorced families have to negotiate the holidays and oftentimes it can be a minefield. I came from divorced parents who needed a judge to determine the holiday schedule and it was still a stressful time. I think that gave me a little PTSD when it somes to holidays. 

I planned to have my kids over for Christmas Eve. The Hunter invited Niño and his girlfriend, I had Taz, her fiancé and my son.  My thought was to have them on Christmas Eve and then they would spend Christmas Day with the Ex and his family. That worked out fine, but my Ex was a bit tricky because he caused my kids some guilt because he was spending Christmas Eve alone apparently. I tried to mitigate it a bit by inviting him to church, but he refused and things sorted themselves out.

I have learned that I still have lingering bitterness and anger towards my Ex.  The Hunter is encouraging me to let go, but I am grimly, doggedly hanging onto those emotions. I have done the horrible thing of “keeping score” and I need to let go of that mentality. I am hoping that since I recognize it, I am on the way to healing. 

Here’s an example of my score-keeping:  I had Taz and the fiancé over for Christmas Eve. They hung out for about 5 hours. My son is staying with me while the Happy Couple stayed with my Ex.  On Christmas morning, my son headed to my Ex’s for Christmas breakfast compliments of Taz, then on to the Ex’s family (2 parties), back to my Ex’s and he spent the night (under duress — both Taz and my Ex pressured him into staying).  On Christmas Day, I got no phone call from Taz and only a response to my Merry Christmas text. WTF. I was hurt. 

Then she had plans with her girlfriends and so I didn’t see now hear from her until Monday because we had a dress fitting. Then we spent a lovely day together and the fiancé joined us for a great lunch.  I had Taz all day, but I was still grumbling to the Hunter that the time spent with me is all wedding plans and errands. I don’t get “fun” time. 

He chastised me by  telling me that I am lucky because she knows I can get that stuff done and trusts me. OK, OK, I get that, but sometimes I want to be the fun one!  He replied that I need to stop keeping score and just ignore the Ex’s existence.  Easier said than done, but he has a point. 

One thing that dawned on me as I bitterly counted up the hours they are spending with the Ex versus me, is that baring an unforeseen calamity, I will outlive my Ex easily. He’s almost 56 to my 51 and as I mentioned in my previous post, his three decades of smoking is beginning to haunt him.  He was hospitalized briefly and although Taz says he’s fine, I am not so sure. The Hunter, when he first met him, noted that his color was bad and that he looked sick. I agree. Plus my Ex’s dad died at age 62….

Anyway, that morbid thought has put things into perspective.  Also, I know that he whines to the kids for more time. I sit back and don’t guilt them. My son appreciates that. My daughter prefers the Ex’s faster-paced neighborhood and lifestyle. That’s fine too.  I just don’t want to be taken for granted and ignored. I don’t want them to think that simply because I have the Hunter that I don’t want them around. OK, I am getting horny and fooling around with my son here is a bit tough since our bedrooms are side-by-side. LOL. 

But I like seeing my kids and spending time with them. I just need to perhaps come up with more activities.  I know that visiting my dad was dull because he never knew what the heck to do with me, so I need to apply that lesson to my own kids. We have invited my son to go camping with is over New Years. Once again, he is mindful of his dad and may only join us for a night or two. Damn, I guess I should be proud of the thoughtful son I have raised. In the meantime I get to take Taz and the fiancé to breakfast and the airport. Lucky me!

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Comments on: "Post Christmas Thoughts" (3)

  1. Ah! I feel for you. I had a similar reaction when I heard that my eldest, now a student in a nearby city, sees the Ex almost every other week, when the other kids are with him. I felt hurt because I only got a visit after 6 weeks, even though I’m the one who took care of finding the apartment, moving everything in it and so on… Then my mom mentioned a conversation with her grandkid, in which it transpired that the Ex is ‘demanding’ a bi-monthly visit and our child is getting weary of it. So it’s nothing against me, it’s all because ‘dad asked for it’, but the kids don’t enjoy his demands quite as much as he thinks.
    At least I try to reassure myself that when my kids are with me, they want to be with me (at least the older ones). They don’t feel forced or guilted into it. And I know that at the end of the day, that’s how I’d prefer it 🙂
    But it’s tough not to feel hurt, not to fear that the ex is winning because he’s telling them lies about us and so on.
    As you say: becoming aware of it is the first step towards sorting it 🙂

    Good luck with all the fun things you get to do with Taz and the fiancé!
    XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m lucky because I think the Ex is no longer saying negative things, which is a relief. I just need to let my little birds leave the nest and begin making their own (particularly in Taz’s case). Sigh. It seems like only yesterday they were only teens and Tweens…..

      It’s interesting, my son and I sat down today and ran through his expenses to see how he is doing. My son tends to be a bit more frugal than necessary which is charming. I am actually having to encourage him to spend more on “entertainment”stuff. The Hunter came home at the tail end of our discussion and his comment was that I have nothing to worry about with my son and I am oh so lucky to have such a great son. My son overheard all of this — he was pleased and my heart was filled with love for them both. So sweet.

      Liked by 1 person

      • See 🙂
        All is well, and everything will be fine 🙂
        Lucky you about the ex not saying bad things any more. I don’t know when I can say the same, but I’m sort of looking forward to it, for the sake of the children as much as my own 🙂
        Oh well… things will find a resolution in some way 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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