"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for December, 2015

Post Christmas Thoughts

I know that divorced families have to negotiate the holidays and oftentimes it can be a minefield. I came from divorced parents who needed a judge to determine the holiday schedule and it was still a stressful time. I think that gave me a little PTSD when it somes to holidays. 

I planned to have my kids over for Christmas Eve. The Hunter invited Niño and his girlfriend, I had Taz, her fiancé and my son.  My thought was to have them on Christmas Eve and then they would spend Christmas Day with the Ex and his family. That worked out fine, but my Ex was a bit tricky because he caused my kids some guilt because he was spending Christmas Eve alone apparently. I tried to mitigate it a bit by inviting him to church, but he refused and things sorted themselves out.

I have learned that I still have lingering bitterness and anger towards my Ex.  The Hunter is encouraging me to let go, but I am grimly, doggedly hanging onto those emotions. I have done the horrible thing of “keeping score” and I need to let go of that mentality. I am hoping that since I recognize it, I am on the way to healing. 

Here’s an example of my score-keeping:  I had Taz and the fiancé over for Christmas Eve. They hung out for about 5 hours. My son is staying with me while the Happy Couple stayed with my Ex.  On Christmas morning, my son headed to my Ex’s for Christmas breakfast compliments of Taz, then on to the Ex’s family (2 parties), back to my Ex’s and he spent the night (under duress — both Taz and my Ex pressured him into staying).  On Christmas Day, I got no phone call from Taz and only a response to my Merry Christmas text. WTF. I was hurt. 

Then she had plans with her girlfriends and so I didn’t see now hear from her until Monday because we had a dress fitting. Then we spent a lovely day together and the fiancé joined us for a great lunch.  I had Taz all day, but I was still grumbling to the Hunter that the time spent with me is all wedding plans and errands. I don’t get “fun” time. 

He chastised me by  telling me that I am lucky because she knows I can get that stuff done and trusts me. OK, OK, I get that, but sometimes I want to be the fun one!  He replied that I need to stop keeping score and just ignore the Ex’s existence.  Easier said than done, but he has a point. 

One thing that dawned on me as I bitterly counted up the hours they are spending with the Ex versus me, is that baring an unforeseen calamity, I will outlive my Ex easily. He’s almost 56 to my 51 and as I mentioned in my previous post, his three decades of smoking is beginning to haunt him.  He was hospitalized briefly and although Taz says he’s fine, I am not so sure. The Hunter, when he first met him, noted that his color was bad and that he looked sick. I agree. Plus my Ex’s dad died at age 62….

Anyway, that morbid thought has put things into perspective.  Also, I know that he whines to the kids for more time. I sit back and don’t guilt them. My son appreciates that. My daughter prefers the Ex’s faster-paced neighborhood and lifestyle. That’s fine too.  I just don’t want to be taken for granted and ignored. I don’t want them to think that simply because I have the Hunter that I don’t want them around. OK, I am getting horny and fooling around with my son here is a bit tough since our bedrooms are side-by-side. LOL. 

But I like seeing my kids and spending time with them. I just need to perhaps come up with more activities.  I know that visiting my dad was dull because he never knew what the heck to do with me, so I need to apply that lesson to my own kids. We have invited my son to go camping with is over New Years. Once again, he is mindful of his dad and may only join us for a night or two. Damn, I guess I should be proud of the thoughtful son I have raised. In the meantime I get to take Taz and the fiancé to breakfast and the airport. Lucky me!

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My Crystal Ball

Christmas has kept me busy. Both of my kids are in town and Taz’s wedding plans are in high gear. Today I am working on my business plan and figuring out how 2016 will look.  It is shaping up to be a transformative year. Here are some of my predictions:

  • The wedding is going to be exhausting, expensive but oh so amazingly beautiful, emotional and awesome.  We are about 60 days out. Dear Lord, hear my prayers….  
  • My son will embark on a big adventure.  I am encouraging him to do a semester aboard for the summer, a road trip across the country, hiking either parts of the Appalachian Trail or the Pacific Crest. The Hunter and I gave him gifts to further that adventure. I am excited to see what he does. 
  • I will transform my business ….. Or go broke trying. I am looking at some new technology, read some good books and have thought long and hard on how I want 2016 to look professionally. Now I need to Get Shit Done by finishing my business plan, creating my routines and stick to them. 
  • I will learn Self Discipline or die trying.  I need it for work and to lose weight and live a healthier life. I need to have a stronger self-control muscle and realize that procrastination is not my friend. 
  • The Hunter will get promoted at his new job and rather quickly.  He will continue to excel and will be rewarded. 
  • My Ex will struggle a bit in 2016. He has some health issues that Taz is downplaying, but I think 30+ years of smoking (1-2 packs daily) is catching up to him. I don’t wish bad on him, but I am realistic. I don’t know how this will impact me, but the possibility is there. 
  • I will expand my social circle and get out more. I spent 2015 hibernating with the Hunter, which was delicious. I recognize that if I want to remain interesting (both for him and me), I need to get out more. 
  • 2016 will be an expensive year. The wedding, my work re-positioning, Taz’s graduation, my son’s big adventure — not to mention my own adventures!  This makes my work re-design oh so important. 

Christmas with the Hunter and our blended families has been lovely. I have been struggling a bit with wanting equal time with my kids, but I’ll talk about that in another post. I’m happy and at the end of the day, that’s what matters. 

Letting Off Some Steam

Life is running full steam these days, but I’m not so much. I am overdue for a rant, so let’s go!

 I am disappointed that one of my new virtual hires didn’t work out and was a complete waste of time and, more importantly, money. She was an important component of my business development plan and achieved zero results, so she’s out and I have to start interviewing again. Ugh.

Then Taz is needing me for a variety of reasons. Her interviews have kicked in and I am her coach for these. I am so thrilled for her because she is really kicking ass and taking names. Her stories are funny, alarming at times, interesting and it takes time and mental energy to give her the right advice. I am honored that I am her “go to” for a lot of this. I just finished interviewing four florists for the wedding, checked on the dress and arranged the fitting, ordered a cake for the bridal shower so we can see if we want to use this person for the wedding cake, and the list goes on. My list is nothing compared to hers. 

Then we have the upcoming bridal shower. About 20 people gathering at my former brother & sister-in-law’s home. I have some of my posse attending , but the entire clan of the Ex will be the majority of the attendees. I opted to have the Hunter stay home because I cannot expect the Ex and his two brothers will behave.  A small gathering in enemy territory with flowing alcohol is a recipe for a clash. Plus the holidays caused quite a few fights between my mom, my Ex and me as I tried to balance time between her and the Ex’s family, so I have a PTSD reaction to conflict during the holidays. The Hunter is accepting of this, however, he (and I) want to make it clear that his absence is due to them. Something along the lines of “He’s not here because I knew you couldn’t be civil” is how I want to respond. Dear Readers, your thoughts are appreciated here. 

Today I have a colposcopy scheduled and I dread it. I am taking headphones so I can listen to music since this apparently will take half an hour. I didn’t sleep well and had a hilarious aniexty dream. The Hunter has a chest cold, but he is concerned and will be picking me up from the doctor. A neighbor is dropping me off.   I am grateful. He brusquely told me this morning to relax and let people help me. He’s right. 

My daily affirmations are wonderful and keep me from sinking into a funk. I need to work on my 2016 business plan and my coach has been awesome with directions, encouragement and praise. She’s amazing. I need to remember that action begets action. I need to take care of myself first and foremost. I need to let people help me. Interesting — I wrote that line twice. Hmmmm.

Last night I came home and the Hunter pounced on me saying that I looked upset. He kept asking me what was up and why I had such an angry face. I finally snapped and said something along the lines of: Why in the world should I be upset? I have a moderate (for me) amount of demanding work (always at the holidays– WTF), my daughter’s interviews and wedding demands, my kids haven’t sorted out Xmas schedules like I asked, the upcoming bridal shower and the stress of that, Christmas for which I haven’t shopped, oh and a couple of medical procedures designed to see if I have cancer. He’s right – I should just be full of sunshine. 

He was a bit abashed and toned it down immediately. I continue to think that he is a sensitive soul and thinks my bad moods directly relate to him. I appreciate his sensitivity, but he needs to accept when I say it’s not about him. So enough ranting. It’s time to get back to work and to be thankful for the many blessings in my life. I am thinking of some right now and it’s the  Hunter, my kids, and the beauty that surrounds me as I sit outside typing this. Lucky, lucky me. 

Twistin’ the Night Away – Not

Here’s a man in evening clothes
How he got here, I don’t know, but
Man, you oughta see him go
Twistin’ the night away
He’s dancin’ with a chick in slacks
She’s movin’ up and back
Oh, man, there ain’t nothin’ like

Twistin’ the night away
They’re twistin’, twistin’
Everybody’s feelin’ great
They’re twistin’, twistin’
They’re twistin’ the night

Sam Cooke

I am not a party girl.  I was never into the club scene when I was young. Screaming small talk into somebody’s ear was never my preferred way to meet someone. Combine that with my inability to hold my liquor plus a lack of dancing skills  and you’ve got Baby in the corner (without a hunky Patrick Swazye to teach me — RIP sexy man).  Anyway, it surprises a lot of people who know me that I am not a fan of a big party. Give me a small dinner party, cocktail party and I shine, but large events are making me sigh because damn they are a lot of work.

Last night the Hunter and I went to my boss’ annual toy drive Christmas party. It’s my fourth time at this 100+ person event and I have to admit — it’s boring. A bunch of old fart country club types who do not have any tilitillating small talk, small bites of food, drinks heavy with cheap liquor and a host and hostess working like crazy. The upside was a great excuse to get dressed up and go out with the Hunter, a stunning setting, a great band (who took the longest breaks I have ever seen) and saying hi to my co-workers and some folks I use to work with (but never really liked).  I tapped out after 2-1/2 hours. It just doesn’t ring my bell. The Hunter was a great sport for going because he doesn’t like these big parties either. It was the first time he met my boss and it went well.  

I had two parties yesterday plus I hosted a business party for over 300 this week and now I can say that I am a bit of a snob when it comes to parties.  I also now realize how amazing my house parties were back in the day. The daytime party yesterday was for the girls and I was grateful that a new friend invited me. We are in the same business and I had taken her to lunch so we could get to know each other better. She reciprocated with a party invite. It was fun — her friends are not my type (sorry, but I can be snobby on my blog if I want), but everyone was fun and in great spirits. You can tell that they are all very close, which can be a tough circle to penetrate, but they were welcoming. We did that crazy gift exchange/swap where everyone gets a number and can either swipe or unwrap a gift. I love these — it brings out my evil streak. I got a fabulous candle.  

The priceless moment of that party was the unwrapping of the second gift. A woman, who is a hoot, grabs a tall rectangle box and tears the paper off the top.  It says “Rabbit”.  Every soccer mom perked up like a lion that caught scent of its prey. The look on their faces was fantastic. It was an electric wine opener, but I immediately said that I knew what I would be bringing next year…and you know I will. 

The business party is put together by a very seasoned team, so it is effortless on my part. I am the hostess and have to run it, but that’s easy when you have awesome professionals behind the scene. It’s just a long afternoon and evening. We keep it to a firm two hour cocktail party but when you give people free food and drink, I am always amazed by the gluttony that ensues. 

My next party will be my daughter’s bridal shower. That will be a measure of my diplomacy and a taste of how the wedding will play out. It’s coed and a former sister-in-law is having it at her house. The Hunter and I decided that perhaps he will stay home for this one. I think it’s the wiser course of action. My Ex is one of 3 brothers and a sister. The sister is completely cool — she was at the Engagement party, but the brothers have been childishly ignoring me and rude, so I know it could be potentially volatile since we will be on enemy territory. The Hunter and I prefer to keep the focus on the happy couple…I mean the soon-to-be newlyweds and not us. Some may call us cowards, but I prefer to think that we are being diplomatic. 

Pity Party

This week wasn’t a great week. Work was fine, the Hunter was fine but I was in a slump. My body isn’t cooperating. I am in a Facebook diet group that is using the The Beck Diet Solution, which is great.  The first week I did fantastic, then Thanksgiving got me and this week I have been feeling lousy, so I hit a wall. Exercise will get me out of this slump but it’s raining so much I need to start thinking about my ark.  

I had follow up appointments at both my gyn and my regular doctor as part of my annual physicals. The regular doctor was OK and I’m glad I went back in because she got busy tackling my migraine and stuffy nose. She pronounced it as a sinus infection and now I’m on antibiotics, nasal spray, etc.  It hasn’t kicked in because on Day 2 of my antibiotics I still woke up with a nasty migraine.  I feel crappy and it’s this “not so crappy” that you will infect people with your plague, but it’s the crappy that you just want to curl up and have a pity party 24/7. Sigh. That’s the first ugh. 

My gyn was not the bearer of sunny news. The only good news he came up with is that my boobs are fine – mammogram and ultrasound came back clean. That is a good thing since my mom died of a non-heritary breast cancer. No, instead my lady parts have gone astray since my last physical. My uterine lining is twice the thickness it should be and my Pap smear came back dubious at best. This means two more procedures so they can check things out further and do some biopsies. Add in a double digit loss of bone density over 5 years and Maggie is feeling old and a bit nervous. 

My doctor is soothing and believes all will be fine. He is an exceptional doctor and I like him immensely. My daughter, through fortuitous timing, happened to call right after. I wasn’t going to burden her since she has so much on her plate.  She agreed with everything the doctor is doing, explained a bit more about the two procedures and agreed that I shouldn’t worry right now. 

The Hunter was warm and loving.  He immediately made plans to leave early so he can bring me home after the procedures. I felt safe and comforted. But I still feel crappy and I am one of those people who is a bit cranky when I’m sick. My sense of humor vanishes and apparently my resting bitch face emerges. He is a sensitive soul and becomes worried that I’m upset with him somehow. That actually lead to me getting irked last night. 

I felt crappy and just wanted to snuggle and watch a movie. He made me a delicious sandwich while I was wrapping up some work.  He wasn’t into a movie, so he headed upstairs to grab a shower. Lately he has been teasing me by running his tongue over my nose or ear in a funny, juvenile way that makes me squeal and push him away. Usually I am down for this and it’s funny. Not last night. I was watching a movie and I’m trying to pause it so I can pay attention to him, his tongue goes up my nose and I snapped rather than squealed. That sent him scurrying away and avoiding me for the rest of the evening. Sigh. 

As I write this, I still have a migraine — it comes and goes throughout the day.  It’s raining, the Hunter is still sleeping and I still feel like crap. I will give myself a little more pity party time and then I will have no choice but to pull myself together and get some shit done. It’s a rainy weekend – perfect for Christmas decorations and cleaning. Joy – can’t wait for that. Perhaps I would be better served just staying in bed and fucking the Hunter regardless of how I feel. The man deserves some TLC. He has promised to make this amazing shrimp dish for me. I’m a lucky girl, I just need to feel better so my fog lifts and I can see the wonderful things in my life. 

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