Don’t you look at me so smug
And say I’m going bad.
Who are you to judge me
And the life that I live?
I know that I’m not perfect
And that I don’t claim to be.
So before you point your fingers,
Be sure your hands are clean.
There is one blip on the radar with me and the Hunter these days. It’s about his pot usage (yes, Bob Marley was oh so perfect for my lead-in artist). As I had mentioned earlier, now that the Hunter has his great new job and drug testing isn’t in the future, he has started smoking again.
While he was on the wagon, he had said that he wanted to smoke and would always smoke, however, he would limit his smoking to probably only the weekends. When we recently talked about it, he said he didn’t want to go back to smoking morning, noon and night (literally) because he didn’t want to live in that kind of zombie state. But he is smoking almost every night and I caught him grabbing his pipe one morning to see if there was any left for a quick hit. I was afraid that once he started, he would fall right back into the same frequency and perhaps I am right. He has admitted that I have a point.
Then you have me, Maggie, who has changed her opinion on pot-smoking. While he was a heavy, daily smoker, I didn’t say anything or judge him. At least I like to think I wasn’t judging him. I was OK that he wanted to smoke every night. I don’t think I realized how addicted he was is, but I knew he smoked in the morning — I didn’t know about his lunchtime toke until recently. I always told him that I preferred pot to alcohol for a daily addiction habit. That is true, but somewhere along the line during his sobriety, my mind changed. Let’s jump back to my past and my baggage for a moment.
My parents separated and divorced when I was 7. My mom then went on to date men who were losers. She loved an alcoholic and her longest two relationships were with marginally abusive alcoholics. The last one she married and I detested him from the very beginning. In any case, my first college boyfriend had a serious drinking problem and my Ex has a drinking problem, so the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. I never have been a heavy drinker since alcohol sends me puking in the bushes if I get more than slightly buzzed. Add to the fact that the Ex would throw back 4-5 drinks in a two-hour span, so out of self-preservation I became the Designated Driver and sober person at all events. I have found that I don’t like to be too much out of control and I despise a hangover.
Pot is different though. Potheads never (in my experience) get aggressive. They are relaxed and silly — just don’t give a fuck too much. I enjoy the great sex that comes from a couple of tokes. I don’t like to be too high because then I don’t feel too much in control and find myself either munching out or lost in Walmart. But I do like a toke and I did slightly miss it during the Hunter’s hiatus, however, now that it is back, I find myself not so OK with it. I have been wrestling with the question of why my change of heart?
There is another problem that relates to my change of heart also. The Hunter can tell that his smoking bothers me and he is now feeling judged. That creates a line between us. We have talked about it a couple of times. I have told him that I want him to excel at this job and that he had said that he wasn’t going to smoke as frequently as before. He has said that he hears me, but he will always smoke because he enjoys it., but he hears me about the frequency. I have said that I am afraid that he won’t be able to control himself as it pertains to frequency and that he will immediately go from zero to 70 and smoke throughout the day. Now I watch him smoke with a slight concern peeking out. Why? He smoked frequently when we met and he moved in. He has smoked for decades, so I know that this is probably outside of recreational usage.
I find him gently pushing me a bit more to join him or perhaps it’s my imagination. Menopause has already taken it’s toll on my memory, so I tend to abstain during the week although if it’s been a stressful day, I will take a hit. I don’t like to get really high, but a light buzz is pleasant. Plus sex on pot is awesome.
In any case, I have to come to terms and accept the Hunter for who he is. He has never hidden any part of himself from me and I knew this about him from the get-go. On Thanksgiving, he got up and decided to make a quick run to BassPro to pick up some ammo. I didn’t fuss or pitch a fit even though part of me was thinking, “Seriously? Are you trying to see if you can piss me off?” While he was gone, I realized that he had made a subtle shift and was reacting to my cranky persona. He has been testing me and the BassPro run was a perfect example. I have been slightly judgy about the pot. I got a bit cranky this week as I worked my ass off preparing for Thanksgiving. I have been lapsing back into my former bourgeois self who wants the perfect holiday, the “right” lifestyle — whatever that is. I was a bit judgy in my former life. The Hunter was only reacting to the energy and signals I was sending. He even said in one conversation that he knew one day I would end up judging him for his pot usage. I had changed my tune and the Hunter wasn’t digging this new song. How I had this revelation in the middle of Thanksgiving morning food prep is a miracle in itself.
In any case, he returned. I wrapped my arms around him and gave him a big hug. I told him that I was sorry. I told him that it wasn’t fair of me to change my mind about his pot-smoking. We went into this relationship with me being OK with it, so I need to let go and realize that he can handle it and it’s OK. I told him I just want him to excel at his new job and would hate to have that ruin it., but he is a grown man and it’s for him to deal with. He wrapped his arms around me and murmured words of love in Spanish into my ear. The day was brilliant and we were so happy.
I am still thinking about this. I have discovered that the Hunter responds best to unconditional love and I suddenly had put conditions on my love. It was a subtle shift, but I saw a change in him immediately. He couldn’t quite put his finger on what was bothering me. I saw him teasing a bit harder, a slight lessening in true, loving affection. It is similiar to ripples in the water. You don’t know the current under the water, but you see evidence of the change on the surface.
This weekend of separation is good for us. I need a little space so I can think about this. Am I truly OK with the pot? Interestingly I think I am learning more about myself in all of this. We all have our short-comings, vices, issues, baggage from our childhood and past relationships, but when you love someone I think you need to accept it simply as part and parcel of who they are. If it is a deal breaker, then leave because changing a 48-year-old man (or a 51-year-old woman) is simply not going to happen unless he (or she) truly wants it. The Hunter is a complex man (aren’t we all complex creatures?), but he comes home every night, he is kind and thoughtful to me, he listens to me and is my biggest fan and supports me 110% unconditionally. He treats me better than any man has ever treated me and loves me deeply. He deserves better, so I am glad I apologized and I will strive to be a better partner by not bring so judgy and controlling — yes, I think my judgemental thoughts are a control issue on my part. I need to let go and let someone else drive for a change. We can discuss that in a future post.