"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Taz’s Future MIL

Sorry, I couldn’t come up with a song for this — I am just lazy today.

This past week I had the pleasure of spending a day and a half with my daughter, Taz’s, future MIL. I really like this woman. She is a divorce attorney and reminds me a great deal of my own attorney – no nonsense, pragmatic, smart and a “get things done” Alpha female. My kind of gal.

She flew down to scout out rehearsal dinner venues and I had volunteered to be the tour guide. We were able to quickly identify the right venue and then had dinner there so we could have a secret tasting of the items she wants for the event. Taz and the groom prefer a heavy hors d’oeuvres to facilitate more mingling. They don’t want folks sitting around. I love this idea and we found the perfect spot that is next door to a casual bar so later on everyone can join us.

Anyway, this post is not about wedding planning. It’s about relationships and divorce. The MIL had some interesting insight about relationships and divorce. The rest of this post bounces around a couple of topics, so sorry for the lack of great segue ways.

We were sitting at lunch and talking about her husband’s obsession with hunting. This came up because the Hunter is spending most of Saturday and Sunday in the woods this weekend. The conversation wandered to how she dealt with her husband’s extended hunting trips. It was interesting to hear the perspective of a woman who has been married 36 years. She began with the statement that her language of love is Time. How funny that she brought that up. I was fascinated because I haven’t come across someone whose primary love language is Time. I have written about my Love Language here.

In any case, that’s a compatibility issue if her husband is headed to the woods frequently. She said that when her two sons were young, she decided one time when her husband was gone that she was going on strike. No home-cooked dinners. Instead they ate out every night. Fast food, fancy restaurants and everything in between. It became a ritual for her and the boys that they all grew to love. Now that she is an empty-nester, she fills those weeknights with dinners with friends. When her husband gets homesick and wants to come home, she tells him that’s fine, but her evenings are booked.

I loved this story. I found it fascinating that with her primary love language being Time, she was able to shift it from missing her husband to spending quality time with her sons by going out to dinner.

The other interesting conversation was about the effect the loss of a child has on a marriage. She said that statistics show that 81% of marriages end in divorce when the couple loses a child. We talked about couples we know and how they dealt with such a horrific situation. Our experiences mirrored the statistics.

When we were bouncing around the first day, I asked her if she had contacted my Ex. With a guilty face, she said no. I told her that her breakfast the next day was open, so she loved that idea and they ended up having a nice breakfast together. I felt good about that. She told me that he still is recovering from the divorce. She didn’t mean that in a bad way; it’s simply her business and she notices those things. I laughed and told her I wasn’t surprised at all. Then I told her about my lunch with him back in February. She commented that people, especially men, need to spend significant time alone after a divorce so they can learn more about themselves. I told her that I spent a year alone prior to dating and she sagely nodded her head.

It was a good trip. We bonded, got the job done in the way that efficient, Type A women do and my daughter was very happy with the results. Life is good.

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Comments on: "Taz’s Future MIL" (3)

  1. Losing a child, no matter at what stage of pregnancy or age, is difficult. I think it gets more difficult the older the child. I was always wary, because I knew that there were a few things I could not forgive my then husband for, like a child severely injured or dying because he didn’t feel the need to restrain them properly in a car.
    I lost many pregnancies, and until we got into couple’s therapy, he didn’t realise how affected I’d been by it. And now that we are separated, he negates the existence of these souls completely. So I have young children telling me that their dad said there had been no other babies. I’m glad I am away from this man, because his only way to cope with anything is to pretend it didn’t happen (except if it serves him, like the FWB or the leaving him, which he uses to threaten me now). And I’m glad I had already worked through these emotions, accepted these losses and am able to discuss it with my living children without getting all emotional, so that at least they have some stability in their lives and can hear the truth they need to hear.
    I have friends who lost a baby. Congenital heart malformation. They are separated. She fell into heavy depression, her life took a spin for the worst, and now she lives an ocean away from her children and her ex doesn’t want them to see her. Sad situation.

    I’m glad you could see eye to eye with your daughter’s MIL. It’s nice when that happens. Just thinking about my MIL gives me goosebumps, and I know my mom, and grandma, feel the same way. Why oh why did I marry this guy? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • It was an interesting discussion. The examples we discussed were of older and even grown children. All are a tragedy. I am so sorry for the pain you have gone through and the loss you have felt coupled with the isolation. ((Hugs))

      Like

      • Thanks Maggie. It’s Ok now. I’m over the pain, I’m at peace with my angels, and so are my other children. I see a relative suffering from that same problem of her child having died before her… she feels lost, wondering why she is still here when he’s gone. :-/
        I think the longer you have with the child, to get to know them, develop a bond, the harder that loss is.

        Liked by 1 person

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