Sorry, I couldn’t come up with a song for this — I am just lazy today.
This past week I had the pleasure of spending a day and a half with my daughter, Taz’s, future MIL. I really like this woman. She is a divorce attorney and reminds me a great deal of my own attorney – no nonsense, pragmatic, smart and a “get things done” Alpha female. My kind of gal.
She flew down to scout out rehearsal dinner venues and I had volunteered to be the tour guide. We were able to quickly identify the right venue and then had dinner there so we could have a secret tasting of the items she wants for the event. Taz and the groom prefer a heavy hors d’oeuvres to facilitate more mingling. They don’t want folks sitting around. I love this idea and we found the perfect spot that is next door to a casual bar so later on everyone can join us.
Anyway, this post is not about wedding planning. It’s about relationships and divorce. The MIL had some interesting insight about relationships and divorce. The rest of this post bounces around a couple of topics, so sorry for the lack of great segue ways.
We were sitting at lunch and talking about her husband’s obsession with hunting. This came up because the Hunter is spending most of Saturday and Sunday in the woods this weekend. The conversation wandered to how she dealt with her husband’s extended hunting trips. It was interesting to hear the perspective of a woman who has been married 36 years. She began with the statement that her language of love is Time. How funny that she brought that up. I was fascinated because I haven’t come across someone whose primary love language is Time. I have written about my Love Language here.
In any case, that’s a compatibility issue if her husband is headed to the woods frequently. She said that when her two sons were young, she decided one time when her husband was gone that she was going on strike. No home-cooked dinners. Instead they ate out every night. Fast food, fancy restaurants and everything in between. It became a ritual for her and the boys that they all grew to love. Now that she is an empty-nester, she fills those weeknights with dinners with friends. When her husband gets homesick and wants to come home, she tells him that’s fine, but her evenings are booked.
I loved this story. I found it fascinating that with her primary love language being Time, she was able to shift it from missing her husband to spending quality time with her sons by going out to dinner.
The other interesting conversation was about the effect the loss of a child has on a marriage. She said that statistics show that 81% of marriages end in divorce when the couple loses a child. We talked about couples we know and how they dealt with such a horrific situation. Our experiences mirrored the statistics.
When we were bouncing around the first day, I asked her if she had contacted my Ex. With a guilty face, she said no. I told her that her breakfast the next day was open, so she loved that idea and they ended up having a nice breakfast together. I felt good about that. She told me that he still is recovering from the divorce. She didn’t mean that in a bad way; it’s simply her business and she notices those things. I laughed and told her I wasn’t surprised at all. Then I told her about my lunch with him back in February. She commented that people, especially men, need to spend significant time alone after a divorce so they can learn more about themselves. I told her that I spent a year alone prior to dating and she sagely nodded her head.
It was a good trip. We bonded, got the job done in the way that efficient, Type A women do and my daughter was very happy with the results. Life is good.