For Part 1, click here.
When the Hunter is upset with me, he leaves my bed. He won’t sleep next to me. Since one of our top love languages is physical touch, it hurts. Tonight we have a flare up and I stayed up late watching TV. He had gone out and was still angry when he returned. He went upstairs to bed. I followed about an hour & a half later. I was surprised that he wasn’t in our bed, but apparently he’s asleep on the office futon. The office door is firmly closed. It makes me sad. I am sad that we continue to have these jealous flare ups. For so long I led a life of secrets, and now I don’t hide anything from the Hunter but there are times when the truth doesn’t set me free and instead it bites me in the ass. It would have been so much easier to have lied about who I discussed my sex life with, but I refuse to lie anymore. I refuse to keep secrets. I read this blog to him and I don’t filter a single word. I never write with an inner voice asking “what will the Hunter think of this?” He hears, like you Dear Readers, the unfiltered thoughts in my mind. I process my thoughts and feelings more clearly as I set them down on paper. Oftentimes, my writings give the Hunter clarity on my thoughts, feelings and moods. But tonight it has cast doubt and angered him. He struggles to understand why I seek out this anonymous blogging world. He lives in a world of black & white where he confronts life head on. I don’t. This goes back to my childhood I suppose.
I grew up with two polar-opposites for parents. I am watching Mad Men and imagine my parents during that time. My dad has never been a great dad for kids. My mom was impulsive. In 1970, they separated when I was 6 and divorced when I was 7. My mom went back to college for the degree she wanted – not the one her parents pushed upon her. Because of my mom’s school and then career, we moved a lot. 6 towns in 10 years. I made friends easily but it got old starting over so frequently. I read a lot and played Little House on the Prairie with my Barbies. I was lonely oftentimes but books helped. I don’t exactly know where I am going with this or how it all ties into my current situation. I just know that rejection stings. His coldness burns. I struggle to have the proper empathy in this situation. I am very sorry he struggles with his jealousy. I feel bad that he doesn’t realize how much he means to me and that hurting him breaks my heart. But I also wish that he trusts me more. I know he has been burned before. I would never be unfaithful to him. He means too much to me. His jealousy may end up being our demise. Only time will tell.
For Part 1, click here.