"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

If you don’t know me by now
You will never never never know me (Oh)

All the things that we’ve been through
You should understand me like I understand you
Now baby I know the difference between right and wrong
I ain’t gonna do nothing to upset our happy home
Oh don’t get so excited when I come home a little late at night
‘Cause we only act like children when we argue fuss and fight

If you don’t know me by now (If you don’t know me)
You will never never never know me (You’ll never, never know me)
If you don’t know me by now(If you don’t, if you don’t know me baby)
You will never never never know me(No you won’t)

We’ve all got our own funny moods
I’ve got mine, woman you’ve got yours too
Just trust in me like I trust in you
As long as we’ve been together it should be so easy to do
Just get yourself together or we might as well say goodbye
What good is a love affair when you can’t see eye to eye, oh

Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes (sung by Simply Red)

WTF – I just can’t win sometimes. I was reading the Hunter this blog post where it mentions talking about sex with a friend. During the reading, he stopped me and asked who the friend was. He guessed one of my girlfriends and I said no, it was a blogger. Things became icy cold when he learned it was a male blogger. He can’t fathom why I find the need to talk about sex with a man. He felt that I am disrespectful to him and it sent us spiraling into a cold pit of anger.

I flounder around during these discussions. I don’t have much of a filter at times and have a tendency to over-share. I still feel like I am learning the ropes and I have questions at times. Questions that perhaps cannot be asked within my existing social circle because yes, then it would be a violation of our privacy and our relationship. To me, asking these questions within the boundaries of a blogging world is much like asking an advice columnist. It’s anonymous for a reason and meant to stay that way. I don’t really want to know you folks in person and I am sure the majority of you feel the same way about me. I don’t mean this in a bad way, but the allure, mystery and, most importantly, anonymity would be erased by meeting.

But back to the Hunter. He doesn’t get this about me. He gets coldly angry and doesn’t believe that I can separate a candid discussion about my sex life without it dissolving into flirting. The conversation wasn’t graphic by the way. He sees this as a form of flirting and he doesn’t think that flirting with other men is appropriate when I am in a relationship with him. I found the blogger conversation rather banal except for the fact that it involved sex. At the end of the day, the Hunter doesn’t realize how many of you are pulling for us and admire him.

Although there was no banter in this disputed discussion, I don’t know when banter goes to inappropriate flirting in his eyes. I know my limits and when a line is crossed, but perhaps his line in the sand is further than mine. This is confusing for me and I struggle to understand his preferred boundaries. I want him to be happy, trusting and comfortable with me. I want him to know that I am his and only his. I thought the post in question made it clear to him, but instead I am once again floundering and he’s upset. Shit. We just were at the end of a great day with tons of good news for him. Now he is out driving around and cooling off. Crap. I am at a loss. I have apologized and told him that I understand where he is coming from. He is tired of this and I understand his frustration. Like I said in the infamous post – relationships are a lot of work.

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Comments on: "If You Don’t Know Me by Now" (20)

  1. Not that this is the most important part of your post, but I think it would be cool to meet you 🙂

    I have had sex conversations with male bloggers but I’m not sure that they are ever 100% platonic. It’s hard to know, really, because we are anonymous and people have varying reasons for having those kinds of conversations. Unless you know for certain someone isn’t interested, and you’ve made it clear you aren’t either?

    Perhaps it’s the unknown that’s such a trigger for the Hunter. He doesn’t know any of the men you would be talking to, they aren’t his people, he can’t size them up or put his arms around you to claim you as your own. He doesn’t see the words you exchange. It’s a whole different world in blog land where it’s easy to lose sight of reality.

    I remember seeing a few very mild flirty messages on Johnny’s blog between him and another blogger and I knew he wasn’t interested but it still bothered me to see it, even when I knew he loved me. So I can understand how the Hunter would be upset.

    I’ve also been on the other side of it as well, continuing pseudo-platonic discussions with male bloggers while in relationships, but I tell myself it’s a different world and it’s okay. I’m not suggesting you are doing the same thing but it seems you may need to rethink the conversations you are having with men if you want to stop having it be an issue with the Hunter. He seems worth it?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I understand about the difficulty to understand why it’s so bad. I have had plenty of conversations with male friends about sex, both in real life and online.
    I know that for me, as a woman, hearing about sex from a male’s point of view is very interesting, it helps me better understand where my lover is coming from. Because, as women, we often see/view things quite differently.

    Maybe you want to show The Hunter my latest post about jealousy, and the mental path I took to get over the emotions that were shooting through me at first?

    Good luck with finding the balance again.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think part of the difference here is how men and women interpret relationships with the opposite sex. There was a video I saw a while ago that interviewed men and women and asked the question “can men and women just be friends”, the bottom line for the video was that sure they can be, but the male friend will almost always jump at the chance for sex. So, it’s kind of platonic, kind of not. It’s a simplistic opinion, with exceptions, but also not entirely inaccurate. Sex is a subtext to most male conversations with women. You might see a simple conversation about sex with another male, whereas the Hunter can see the potential from the other side… which might not be as platonic as it seems. I’m not saying either of you is right or wrong, but trying to give another perspective.

    Liked by 2 people

    • See – this is precisely why these types of conversations are so helpful to me!! I understand your point, but my PollyAnna self wants him to trust me to navigate through this appropriately. Perhaps my expectations are too high.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re expectations aren’t too high, they might just need to be… tweaked. That’s why I was trying not to pick sides, there isn’t a clear “right” or “wrong”. He sounds like he’s over reacting and he should have more trust in you, you and your explicit conversations with other men make him feel threatened. This whole situation is swimming around in the murkiness of emotion and opinion where right or wrong rarely play a role. It’s about communicating well and finding the middle ground that works for everyone.

        Like

      • Exactly! He is a very black and white kind of guy, so he doesn’t understand my “fantasy” world of bloggers and conversations. Having said that, he does see the benefits of my blogging and how the writing really allows him to better understand me. I just have to realize that explicit conversations with other men are over-stepping his comfort line and I need to stop. At the end of the day, do I really need to go there? I am thinking, no I don’t need to go there….

        Liked by 1 person

      • Every relationship is a balancing act, trying to find that sweet spot. Definitely not always easy, especially when communication isn’t always our strong point.

        Like

      • AGREED! The one thing he has made clear repeatedly is that he does not want to limit me. He doesn’t want me to stop blogging. He just wants me to respect our relationship and talk to him first and foremost. In the aftermath, I have to say that he is right. He’s a good man. I need to remember to use my verbal words more often with him. Thanks, Johnny.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. HUGS!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. […] Part 1, click here.  When the Hunter is upset with me, he leaves my bed. He won’t sleep next to me. Since […]

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  6. Oh god, I just want to hug you Maggie. If you can’t even have a conversation with an anonymous person then what kind of life are you living? I’m big on freedom and trust and they absolutely go hand in hand. So I ask you this: does he not trust you? You’re delving into what you’ve potentially done to upset him but you also need to delve into WHY he’s so upset over it. Does he have low self esteem issues? Does he have a big thing about privacy? Does he think you talking about sex to other men ‘cheating’ (and therefore has a different definition of cheating to you)?

    Don’t sit there and feel bad and blame yourself. You didn’t know he’d react like that and you didn’t do it to knowingly hurt him so guess what – you haven’t done anything wrong. He’s alerted you to the fact that he’s not comfortable so now really nut out why that is and work on that conversation rather that the classic emotional reaction, apology and moving on. Don’t leave a tiny ounce of confusion or doubt for either party or it’ll just happen again with another situation.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aww, thank you. It’s all about boundaries – his and mine. We have had some conversations that will remain between us, but it really cleared the air and we both feel much better. He has spoken from the bottom of his heart about how much I mean to him while I have realized that I love this man deeply.

      I love make-up sex. 😎

      Liked by 1 person

      • You don’t need to discuss those conversations with us, just so long as you’re having them 🙂

        It’s just little bumps in the road sunshine, no road is absolutely bump free! So glad to hear you’re on good terms again xo

        Liked by 1 person

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