"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for August, 2015

I’ll Make Love to You

I’ll make love to you
Like you want me to
And I’ll hold you tight
Baby all through the night
I’ll make love to you
When you want me to
And I will not let go
‘Till you tell me to

Boyz II Men

Life with the Hunter continues to deepen and mature. Sex continues to also deepen and satisfy me. I had an interesting observation that I shared with the Hunter recently. I was thinking about the drought of celibacy I had during my marriage and how once I was free, my libido kicked up with a vengeance. It was like coming out of a desert and wanting endless amounts of water. I couldn’t get enough and was insatiable. Once I gained a great, stable sexual partner who wanted nothing more than to please me, I found myself settling down. I wasn’t so sexually needy. Don’t get me wrong, I still get horny and I want sex sometimes more than the Hunter does, but I am OK with that. It’s better than the alternative.

For example, when my son was in town, the Hunter and I fooled around once, but then we held off until my son left. The Hunter planned on this intentionally I later found out, because he wanted me to really want it. It made the sex all that more delicious. We took our time and thoroughly enjoyed one another. We started with the mental games and just talked about wanting one another, what we wanted to do, just intimate talk that lovers enjoy. Then we slowly moved into physical foreplay. The evening slowly moved into a deep, intimate love-making session that left both us sated mentally and physically. I never knew that I could have a partner who was so attuned to me and would bring me such joy and happiness.

Sometimes it is more about the Hunter. As he was driving home on a Friday afternoon he called me. “I have been watching porn and I want to cum in your mouth. Be nekkid and ready when I get home.” And so I was and it was delightful. I knew I pleased him immensely and later he pleased me as well.

As a contrast, the Hunter was spending the day with a friend and came back full of appreciation for me. Apparently his friend was bored with his girlfriend, but he didn’t want to break up with her because she was good to him and took care of him. However, they aren’t sexually compatible. She won’t even give him a blowjob. Seriously? OK, I know that I needed coaching in order to improve my blow jobs, and as I learned how to better deliver them, I also have grown to enjoy them more. The Hunter gave him some great advice – he has missed his calling as a dating coach. He told his friend to have her clean his dick so she knows that it’s fresh and clean. He also told him to visit my favorite website – Lady Cheeky – for some couple’s erotica. I listened to the story and laughed gently as I asked the Hunter, “did you have a girlfriend appreciation moment?” He laughed, hugged me and kissed me passionately. I think that answered my question.

Have I Told You Lately

Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there’s no one else above you
Fill my heart with gladness
take away all my sadness
ease my troubles that’s what you do

Rod Stewart

I have been wanting to write about the whole Ashley Madison shit storm. I have quietly watched the entire debacle with an insider’s knowledge. I think about the drama these men I know are going through and at the end of the day, I have little sympathy. My email popped up on the data dump and I know that perhaps my photos and profile are now floating in the open. It matters little to me because my photos were not explicit and my profile was matter-of-fact and relatively vanilla. What could haunt me is people who will judge and condemn me for being on the site in the first place. I can live with that judgement. I had my reasons for being on that website and I was only on it for about two months before I realized that I deserved more.

AM was just part of my journey. I needed to understand more about myself. I learned that I am a very high value woman who can not settle for being anything less than #1 in my man’s life. I learned that these men were wasting my time and energy by diverting me from finding the right man who would treasure me. I learned that all people need someone who loves them and not only tells them but shows them every day. I learned that I need someone to cherish me and tell me how much I mean to him. The Hunter is all that and more. Every day I get a text from him about how much he loves me. Today he was sending me Rod Stewart songs of love. I adore Rod Stewart – the Hunter didn’t know that, but how lovely to wake up to the song above.

So Ashley Madison taught me that I deserved so much more than the shitty guys I was finding online. When Match.com advertises that 25% of couple meet online, it also tells me that 75% meet offline. That’s when I dumped the online dating sites. They don’t work for me. They worked for many others, but as for me, I guess that I am old school. Here’s the other Rod Stewart song, courtesy of the Hunter.

You’re In My Heart

You’re in my heart, you’re in my soul
You’ll be my breath should I grow old
You are my lover, you’re my best friend
You’re in my soul

My love for you is immeasurable
My respect for you immense
You’re ageless, timeless, lace and fineness
You’re beauty and elegance

Walking on Sunshine (Part II)

I used to think maybe you loved me, now, baby, I’m sure
And I just can’t wait till the day when you knock on my door
Now every time I go for the mailbox, gotta hold myself down
‘Cause I just can’t wait till you write me you’re coming around

Now I’m walking on sunshine, whoa
I’m walking on sunshine, whoa
I’m walking on sunshine, whoa
And don’t it feel good
Hey, all right now
And don’t it feel good
Hey, yeah

Katrina and the Waves

This weekend the Hunter and I enjoyed having the house quiet and back to just the two of us, the cat and dog. The Hunter is busy these weekends. He is either working or in the woods or headed to a shooting range (gun or archery) with friends. I am happy for him. I am thankful that he has hobbies and friends to share these hobbies. I enjoy my quiet time, but I have also realized that I need to get my lazy ass off the sofa as well.

I signed up for several upcoming events. One is a movie night of a special documentary that a girlfriend invited me to. The Hunter is welcome, but he isn’t very interested, so he was happy to see me go. The other is an outdoors event with a chapter of our hiking club. I knew he would be in the woods, so I signed up via Facebook. When the Hunter noticed I signed up, he quietly contacted the group leader and paid my entry fee. I was so impressed by his thoughtfulness. He is happy when I do these things. His invalid parents live in a condo with some great amenities, which I recently took advantage of for the first time. Anytime I want to go, he sets it up with his son for me to enjoy the facilities. It is beautiful and brings me such joy and relaxation. I am having a bevy of friends over next weekend for a Mary Kay party. A former work colleague became a Mary Kay consultant, so I have to help a sister out. I am also joining a book club. Once the weather cools a bit, I will be able to jump on my bike and get outdoors a bit more. I can’t wait.

It is interesting that as my relationship with the Hunter deepens, we continue to appreciate all that the other does. I don’t take him for granted and I know that he works hard to do the same. We talked about this Fall and the amount of time he wants to spend in the woods. I have told him that I will be honest if it begins to bother me. That’s a big step for me. I usually keep things bottled up and am not honest with loved ones when they upset me. When the weather cools, I may go with him. I have my daughter’s engagement party in October which will be in her current hometown plus I want to spend a weekend with my son at his college (awesome football town), so I have my fair share of weekends away.

I have spent my life living for others. I need to make sure that I continue to live my life for myself now. I need to make sure that I am doing the things that bring me joy. I have sorted through my work issues and have come up with a new business plan. I have begun negotiating some things with my boss that will re-structure our relationship, my workload and my compensation. It’s bold and very different from what we have done previously and it involves a generous raise for me. He is open to the discussion so I think we will come to the other side intact. If not, I have several firms that have already expressed serious interest in me and would pay me more than I am earning presently. A girl has to keep her options open.

I’m Walking on Sunshine

I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that it’s true
And I don’t want to spend my whole life just a-waiting for you
Now, I don’t want you back for the weekend, not back for a day, no, no, no
I said, baby, I just want you back, and I want you to stay

Oh, yeah, now I’m walking on sunshine, whoa
I’m walking on sunshine, whoa
I’m walking on sunshine, whoa
And don’t it feel good
Hey, all right now
And don’t it feel good
Yeah, oh, yeah, now
And don’t it feel good

Walking on sunshine
Walking on sunshine

Katrina and the Waves

The Hunter and I are back onto an even keel these days. He has forgiven me and I am fully aware of my transgression which shall not be repeated. As I sat with my therapist, Athena, in the aftermath, I realized a couple of things. 1) The topics I discussed should have first been hashed out with the Hunter and not a third party. 2) The Hunter is growing as well by learning how to more smoothly process his anger and hurt. He handled his hurt and anger much more maturely than he had in the past. He says part of the reason is that I stay the same and continue to treat him with respect and kindness, so he sees the good in me. I am glad he sees that.

For the past week, my son has been home from college. What a great kid he is. Quietly as brilliant as his sister, but he is interested in a different life journey. He went to Costa Rica with his dad, who tried so hard to provide an adventurous vacation. My Ex doesn’t necessarily plan well, so they were over-ambitious for part of it which caused a bit of travel stress. He arrived late on Saturday because his dad simply couldn’t let go. I get it. I know that my Ex loves our children with every atom in his body. I know that he gets lonely, but I also know that he is selfish. This caused my son to arrive late that afternoon even though my son wanted to arrive hours earlier. My Ex has now learned that there is a man in my life. The Hunter’s truck was beside mine. They did not meet – the Hunter didn’t want to meet nor did my Ex it seems. It was an amusing moment.

My son dropped off his luggage and apologetically told me he had plans with friends to go rock climbing. Off he went for four hours. I told him to bring them all back home for dinner. Thankfully they did, so I had four college men eating us out of house and home. I loved it. The Hunter was amused at how happy I was having them all there and being able to mother them all.

When my son stays with me, I give him space. I asked him if this was OK one day at lunch and he told me how much he appreciated it. My Ex’s controlling tendencies lead him to want to make plans constantly. He insists that my son invite his friends downtown and his nerdy friends (my son is a self-proclaimed nerd himself) have no interest in the sights and sounds of downtown. It causes stress and friction between the two of them. My son and I spent time shopping for things he needs for college. He had never been to Costco and was amazed at it all. He went back to school and I am over $500 poorer with all the stuff we bought during the week, a sushi dinner, etc. My son has a gentle, generous soul. He too has taken the 5 Languages of Love test and we laughed about the fact that we have the same answers. This visit he was more at ease with the Hunter. The Hunter is impressed with my kids – their intelligence, manners, and future ambitions. I must admit that they are my finest achievement.

My son is safely back at school, so the Hunter and I are falling back into our routines. It is good to have the house back to ourselves. It was interesting having both my kids visit for almost a week each in the same month. Next up is the future mother-in-law. She arrives for two days at the beginning of September. She isn’t staying with us, but I’ll be spending those days with her visiting rehearsal dinner venues, etc. Oh boy, the fun never ends around here.

If You Don’t Know Me By Now – Part 2

For Part 1, click here
When the Hunter is upset with me, he leaves my bed. He won’t sleep next to me. Since one of our top love languages is physical touch, it hurts. Tonight we have a flare up and I stayed up late watching TV. He had gone out and was still angry when he returned. He went upstairs to bed. I followed about an hour & a half later. I was surprised that he wasn’t in our bed, but apparently he’s asleep on the office futon. The office door is firmly closed. It makes me sad. I am sad that we continue to have these jealous flare ups. For so long I led a life of secrets, and now I don’t hide anything from the Hunter but there are times when the truth doesn’t set me free and instead it bites me in the ass. It would have been so much easier to have lied about who I discussed my sex life with, but I refuse to lie anymore. I refuse to keep secrets. I read this blog to him and I don’t filter a single word. I never write with an inner voice asking “what will the Hunter think of this?” He hears, like you Dear Readers, the unfiltered thoughts in my mind. I process my thoughts and feelings more clearly as I set them down on paper. Oftentimes, my writings give the Hunter clarity on my thoughts, feelings and moods. But tonight it has cast doubt and angered him. He struggles to understand why I seek out this anonymous blogging world. He lives in a world of black & white where he confronts life head on. I don’t. This goes back to my childhood I suppose.
I grew up with two polar-opposites for parents. I am watching Mad Men and imagine my parents during that time. My dad has never been a great dad for kids. My mom was impulsive. In 1970, they separated when I was 6 and divorced when I was 7. My mom went back to college for the degree she wanted – not the one her parents pushed upon her. Because of my mom’s school and then career, we moved a lot. 6 towns in 10 years. I made friends easily but it got old starting over so frequently. I read a lot and played Little House on the Prairie with my Barbies. I was lonely oftentimes but books helped. I don’t exactly know where I am going with this or how it all ties into my current situation. I just know that rejection stings. His coldness burns. I struggle to have the proper empathy in this situation. I am very sorry he struggles with his jealousy. I feel bad that he doesn’t realize how much he means to me and that hurting him breaks my heart. But I also wish that he trusts me more. I know he has been burned before. I would never be unfaithful to him. He means too much to me. His jealousy may end up being our demise. Only time will tell.

If You Don’t Know Me by Now

If you don’t know me by now
You will never never never know me (Oh)

All the things that we’ve been through
You should understand me like I understand you
Now baby I know the difference between right and wrong
I ain’t gonna do nothing to upset our happy home
Oh don’t get so excited when I come home a little late at night
‘Cause we only act like children when we argue fuss and fight

If you don’t know me by now (If you don’t know me)
You will never never never know me (You’ll never, never know me)
If you don’t know me by now(If you don’t, if you don’t know me baby)
You will never never never know me(No you won’t)

We’ve all got our own funny moods
I’ve got mine, woman you’ve got yours too
Just trust in me like I trust in you
As long as we’ve been together it should be so easy to do
Just get yourself together or we might as well say goodbye
What good is a love affair when you can’t see eye to eye, oh

Harold Melvin & The Blue Notes (sung by Simply Red)

WTF – I just can’t win sometimes. I was reading the Hunter this blog post where it mentions talking about sex with a friend. During the reading, he stopped me and asked who the friend was. He guessed one of my girlfriends and I said no, it was a blogger. Things became icy cold when he learned it was a male blogger. He can’t fathom why I find the need to talk about sex with a man. He felt that I am disrespectful to him and it sent us spiraling into a cold pit of anger.

I flounder around during these discussions. I don’t have much of a filter at times and have a tendency to over-share. I still feel like I am learning the ropes and I have questions at times. Questions that perhaps cannot be asked within my existing social circle because yes, then it would be a violation of our privacy and our relationship. To me, asking these questions within the boundaries of a blogging world is much like asking an advice columnist. It’s anonymous for a reason and meant to stay that way. I don’t really want to know you folks in person and I am sure the majority of you feel the same way about me. I don’t mean this in a bad way, but the allure, mystery and, most importantly, anonymity would be erased by meeting.

But back to the Hunter. He doesn’t get this about me. He gets coldly angry and doesn’t believe that I can separate a candid discussion about my sex life without it dissolving into flirting. The conversation wasn’t graphic by the way. He sees this as a form of flirting and he doesn’t think that flirting with other men is appropriate when I am in a relationship with him. I found the blogger conversation rather banal except for the fact that it involved sex. At the end of the day, the Hunter doesn’t realize how many of you are pulling for us and admire him.

Although there was no banter in this disputed discussion, I don’t know when banter goes to inappropriate flirting in his eyes. I know my limits and when a line is crossed, but perhaps his line in the sand is further than mine. This is confusing for me and I struggle to understand his preferred boundaries. I want him to be happy, trusting and comfortable with me. I want him to know that I am his and only his. I thought the post in question made it clear to him, but instead I am once again floundering and he’s upset. Shit. We just were at the end of a great day with tons of good news for him. Now he is out driving around and cooling off. Crap. I am at a loss. I have apologized and told him that I understand where he is coming from. He is tired of this and I understand his frustration. Like I said in the infamous post – relationships are a lot of work.

I Finally Found Somebody

Well I finally found somebody,
Who lives to give their love to me, only me.
She takes away my worries,
Shows me how true love’s meant to be, what a relief

Now love don’t have to be a ball and chain,
Or somebody pullin’ on a puppet string.
Danglin’ you around,
Like you got no mind all.

Love don’t fade when the dog days come,
And hangs in tough ’til it sees the sun.
And I finally found somebody who,
Lets that love light shine on through

Well I finally found somebody,
Who welcomes me with open arms, into their heart.
Thank God, my search is over.
I found a four-leaf clover, love took me long enough.

Kenny Chesney

I haven’t written about me and the Hunter lately plus I wanted to write about sex, so here is a post to cover both. How better to up my readership than to talk about sex? I have discussed this topic with a dear friend, but want to open it up to you, Dear Readers.

I went through a very, very long celibate period in my marriage – I didn’t have sex for over 12 years. When I was finally free and able to express myself, I was super horny and game for just about anything. Now that I have a steady and great sex life, I have noticed that I am still horny and willing, but my desires are more vanilla in nature. As I told my friend, sex is becoming routine. Horrors, right? I am moving into the part of a relationship where it is time to put more effort into keeping things spicy. My friend was laughing at my naivety, but felt that perhaps since my initial curiosity has been sated, I am satisfied.

Don’t get me wrong, sex is awesome with the Hunter. I would describe my sexual appetite as an itch that is being thoroughly scratched so I am not wanting to search for someone or something to scratch it better or harder. The Hunter is still teasing and asking for a threesome but not in way that makes me feel uncomfortably pressured. But with things falling into a routine, it is up to us to keep the sexy in sex.

What I have learned is that when you have a steady partner you learn each other’s “hot spots”, so when you do X it turns your partner on quickly. Once you have that winning move, you use it frequently because you want your partner to be pleasured. The problem is that you can’t keep using that winning move because you can wear it out. You have to branch out and try new things that may take a bit longer at first to yield the same result. I notice that my body is responding differently to things that would usually send it over the edge of bliss. Instead it’s over-stimulated in certain areas and not liking certain things as much as it liked in the past.

But with work and everyday stuff, it takes time and effort to keep things lively. The Hunter is awesome with the snuggling and smooching. We begin and end every day with that strong physical connection. We greet each other with a good solid kiss and hug. The Hunter does not allow any cursory pecks. He’s a smart man because as my friend commented, the connection is everything.

It’s funny that here I am at 51 years of age figuring out this basic relationship stuff now. OK we could be morose and say “funny” in a tragic, sad way. I prefer to think of “funny” in a naïve but ever-evolving way. So Dear Readers, what suggestions do you have? Keep in mind that the Hunter will be busy the next couple of weekends so I won’t be seeing too much of him and I know he will be worn out when I do see him. I have the following ideas:
1) Kick up the sexy texting again
2) Send some sexy selfies – I have been remiss
3) Massages because he will be needing those more than sex because he will be out in the woods for the next couple of weekends

I will stop there and let you weigh in on ideas – they are always welcome.

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