"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for July, 2015

Running on Empty

Running on – running on empty
Running on – running blind
Running on – running into the sun
But I’m running behind

Everyone I know, everywhere I go
People need some reason to believe
I don’t know about anyone but me
If it takes all night, that’ll be all right
If I can get you to smile before I leave

Looking out at the road rushing under my wheels
I don’t know how to tell you all just how crazy this life feels
I look around for the friends that I used to turn to to pull me through
Looking into their eyes I see them running too

Jackson Browne

I blog because when I write, I tend to work things out in my head. My head has been exploding over the past year, so I have been writing and thinking quite a bit. Then I hit a wall the past month and just needed more thinking time and less doing time. A dear friend described my emotional state as “red-lining” and I think that nailed it. I bought a couple of books about being burnt-out and headed off to the mountains to fuck the Hunter and vegetate in the woods. It was lovely. I have actually been off the grid for about three weeks total. Work has been put on the backburner and I have spent my days reading, thinking, playing on the internet and really just thinking about where I am and where do I want to go. I still don’t have all the answers but I feel much calmer about where I am and my future.

I started a separate journal to just write down all the random ass thoughts that were flowing through my head. It is a myriad of things ranging from a list of things causing me stress right now, a list of things I enjoy generally and then some ideas on how to cure/rid myself of the stressful things. I love a list. Today I finally hit a place where I can think about long-range a bit more coherently. When I was up in the mountains, I was ready to sell everything and run a hiking hostel with the Hunter. Never mind that I do not revel in domesticity and am an average housekeeper and cook at best. It did get me to decide that perhaps if I don’t want to actually do it, then I should write a novel about doing it, so I wrote a couple of chapters and will keep working on it.

One of the things I was journaling about today is that I have spent my life living the life of a “good girl”. I was a good mom, a good wife, a good employee, a good daughter. I have always put everyone’s needs before mine. That created a whirlwind of frantic activity for me. So as I wrote, I thought about this analogy. When we were driving to the mountains, the Hunter stuck to the right lane. I rarely drive in the right lane. I have been in left lane my entire life and that’s where I wanted to be – first in the line of cars driving too fast. Now I am realizing that I need and want to enjoy life in the slow lane.

I was talking to a business colleague today about a project that I hope to bid on but I will not win. He was calling to tell me that I will not win it. I appreciate his candor. He is one of several people that have jumped off the crazy train of my professional world. He has gone through hell: divorce, bankruptcy, money struggles that are nerve-wracking, but at the end of the day he and his Ex get along great and his son is fabulous. We were discussing how our business is one that can enable us to easily make the money we need, but how we no longer want it to consume our lives. We agreed that the expensive cars, restaurants and the accouterments of that life are empty and actually not necessary for the most part.

I am a lucky woman. I have the love of a good man, two amazing kids and a career that enabled me to have a mini-sabbatical this month. Now I just need to figure out the next chapter for me. There is so much to write about: an update on the Hunter, my daughter’s upcoming visit and her first meeting of the Hunter, how sex has changed, how I am re-defining my life. But I am in no hurry because for now I am riding along in the right lane, nice and slow.

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