"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Toes in the Water

I got my toes in the water, ass in the sand
Not a worry in the world, a cold beer in my hand
Life is good today Life is good today

On my five-hour road trip to my conference, I stopped at a beach where I spent many a family vacation. I have wanted to visit this place since I moved out two years ago, but I simply haven’t gotten around to it. With some extra time available, I stopped and was totally caught off guard when it became so emotional for me. I parked and began walking on the beach in an area that I have walked at least once a year for about 20 years. I made it about 50 feet and began sobbing. I wasn’t quite sure why I was crying and feeling so emotional. I’m emotional even as I write this.

I continued down the beach with tears streaming down my face. Thank goodness for sunglasses. I passed by the condo that we always stayed at. The sand, the families, the vibe of the place has never changed in all this time. Somehow this place is timeless. I had brought a towel with me, so I plopped down on the wet sand to think about why I was feeling so strongly. Why this wave of emotions? I came up with two reasons.

First, I realized I miss this place. I missed this beach with a deep, hard ache from the bottom of my soul. This beach reminds me of family. It reminds me of hot, sandy days sitting on the beach, of a reconnection to my soul. This place gave me the space to think and recharge. This was a place where my Ex and I actually got along 80% of the time. It is a place with no pretenses. No make up, no fancy clothes. Simplicity.

The second reason is the realization of my freedom from my marriage. Yes, it has been two years, but actually going back to a place with so many memories apparently triggered the intense emotions of freedom and liberation. My God, I put up with a lot. But this beach represented to me why I stayed in this shitty marriage. My kids grew up with fabulous memories and experiences at this beach. Our vacations here were times where we all bonded and grew closer as a family. We all relaxed. My Ex would wind down and was easier to deal with.

I arrived at my conference and the next morning I couldn’t get in a program I wanted. Instead of settling for something else, I took off for another beach for the morning. I arrived early. This beach is private, quieter but also beautiful. I watched an osprey fish and then shake off the salty water mid-flight. People were walking by the surf as people always do. I felt stress releasing in waves. Fuck my conference. I needed this more. It was delicious sitting on the beach. I played in the surf, walked numerous times and simply enjoyed the nature surrounding me. The sounds of the ocean, the salty breeze and soft sand soothed my senses. It was heaven.

Then it was time to return to the conference. It has been an unusual conference for me because for reasons unknown to me, I haven’t been able to rock this conference as I usually do. People are moving in groups and networking has been an uphill slog that I just don’t have the energy for. Perhaps it is the city where the conference is located. Perhaps my head is not in this game (that is probably the real cause if I would care to admit it). I will leave a little early today and miss the last session of chest-thumping experts, so I can get back to the Hunter. We have been missing each other, but we discovered a way to keep his insecurity and jealousy at bay during this trip. I’ll tell you about it later.

Photo Jun 04, 9 16 47 AM

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Comments on: "Toes in the Water" (5)

  1. Letting it out, and then recharging. This is very good for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh God, I need this!
    Another month then maybe I get to do it. And dive. I miss diving, the peacefulness of the sea and life going about, surprised but not threatened, curious maybe, going about their day…

    I’m glad you took the time to stop. Reading the first part of your post, I thought that the reason you got emotional is maybe because this place reminds you of good times within your marriage. And if I’m not mistaken, these were not too frequent. I would also think it’s because you miss these times, it is hard to admit something is gone forever! I know there are things I’ll miss (let me rephrase, things I miss) in my 20 year long marriage. Sigh!
    Yet, even with those times, it’s still a good thing we left.
    Writing this, something came up in my mind: this is the final step in grief over that happy family, happy marriage you dreamt of. There, you had good times. But deep down you know that what happened there was just a small respite in everyday life. Which was unbearable.

    I’m sorry if I write as if I was telling you what you think. I’m sure you know that it’s me I’m actually talking about 🙂

    Hugs my friend. Enjoy your time with the Hunter.

    Liked by 1 person

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