Saying “I love you”
Is not the words
I want to hear from you
It’s not that I want you
Not to say
But if you only knew
It would be to
Show me how you feel
More than words
Is all you have to do
To make it real
Then you wouldn’t
Have to say
That you love me
Cause I’d already know.
On Monday night, after an out-of-sync Sunday, I came home to a beautiful dinner. The Hunter had asked for an evening of no electronic devices. He simply wanted to talk and reconnect. I came home agitated from work. My dog had pooped all over the house. I cleaned up some that morning and the Hunter cleaned up a shitload (pun intended) when he got home. My aptly named Shitz Tzu wasn’t handling his change of food well. Ugh.
I close my eyes to the carpet I now need to shampoo. I close my eyes to a kitchen full of dirty dishes. Instead, I take a shower, pour myself another glass of wine and go sit down with the Hunter. We snuggle up on the couch. He knows I am still in the fast lane and haven’t begun to unwind. He asks me to close my eyes and just breathe for a few minutes and relax. I slowly unwind but it takes time. As I mentioned, this week is crazy and Monday was my only night I would come straight home from work.
The Hunter begins to talk. He starts by telling me how much he loves me. He too wasn’t happy about us being out of sync. He picked up on it Saturday afternoon. He tells me that he is nothing but open and honest with me. He’s right. But I hold back and keep secrets. He thinks I don’t love him as much and keep him around for convenience. Ouch.
I open up and tell him that I felt like I was played during our drama-filled Memorial Day weekend. That after my revelation about my blog, his decision to move out and stormy exit, I see him thru Facebook at his parents. I doubted he was going to move out and felt played. It made me put up a wall to protect myself. The Hunter said that he thought about and even went to look at a place, but he also thought about the quote I sent him about taking actions that create the outcome we want instead of merely reacting. He loves me, he decided, so he wants to do what it takes to be with me.
I continue to open up and tell him that I was disappointed we didn’t of out with my friends on Sunday. I knew not going was the right decision, but we don’t do things with my friends, his friends or anyone else. We often don’t do things I want. One of my girls nights out last week was to a stunning botanical garden at night. I had asked him to go with me early in our dating. It would have been a very romantic evening with dark corners for stolen kisses. He declined and I was disappointed. The Hunter, upon hearing my need for more social outings, said that one obstacle to this was money. I told him that I realize this and I was willing to foot the bill, but in such a way that he would still pay, so it wouldn’t wound his pride. We had watched the Teacher’s girlfriend pull out her credit card after dinner and that bugged the Hunter. He admitted that the $100 dinner he bought was with money he really didn’t have to spend.
He tells me that he knows he has to step up and find a better job/career in order to keep me happy. He has arranged to take a week off to take me on vacation because he knows he needs to do this for me. I am very touched. More to come on this.
My need for more social outings makes me wonder about pressuring the Hunter. He doesn’t want pressure, but he is feeling anxiety about us because the man can read me like a book and he sees my trepidation. I tell him that I spent a 25-year marriage keeping secrets big and small. From when I bought a certain outfit to an affair, I kept lots of secrets because I never knew what innocuous statement would cause a blow-up or bite me in the ass. I told him that I kept my needs and emotions in check to keep the peace. These are all very hard habits to break. Particularly since it has only been 2 years since that hellish marriage and our relationship is 4 months old. He isn’t happy that I am struggling with ending my secrecy habits, but he begins to understand. I explain that I am still adjusting to having people have normal reactions when I disagree rather than abusive, explosive bullying.
I told him my girlfriends think I am nuts to have him living with me, but I like having him around (he struggled with that because it made him feel disposable). He told me that although this is my house because it is filled with my material things, he feels like it is OUR home.
During our conversation, I had tears because emotions were welling up. I wasn’t sad or angry, just releasing my emotions which isn’t something I am accustomed to. I finally tell him that he treats me better than anyone else in my life. Yes, this was my revelation. He treats me more honestly, openly and kindly than anyone in my life. Better than my shitty Ex by far, better than my self-centered parents who did the best they could but not always looking out for me, better than my kids who try, but they rarely give me the Acts of Service that is one of my top love languages.
He is satisfied for now with our talk, so he scoops me up and we head off to bed. It is delicious. First I massage his legs because he has been getting some cramps. It relaxes him. He teases my nipples and my clit until I am squirming in delight. Then he eats my pussy endlessly. He loves doing that. He finally starts fucking me and it is so satisfying. As he approaches climax, I feel a rush of liquid. I am convinced he came. He goes down on me and laughs. Nope, that was all me. He knew he hadn’t climaxed, so he fucks me some more until he cums. We snuggle and I am at peace. Still teary because of the stunning revelation that this man is most likely the best thing to ever happen to me, but for now, at peace.
I found my therapist. Next Wednesday we begin couples counseling. I am interested in her reaction to my choice. Also, the Hunter has been opening up about past paramours and present day flirts. That’s a post for another day. Maggie may have to pay a visit to a certain coffee shop…..
By the way, this is one of my all-time favorite songs. So simple, yet so powerful. I sent this to the Hunter as I finished this post. It brought tears to his eyes – me too . I told him it’s his message to me. Enjoy .