"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Working in a coal mine
Going down, down
Working in a coal mine
Whew, about to slip down

Five o’clock in the morning
I’m up before the sun
When my work day is over
I’m too tired for having fun

Devo

This past week I had two nights out with the girlfriends. It was a good respite and helped me reconnect with them. I had another fun day planned with a girlfriend and her man, but due to utter exhaustion and a crazy week ahead, I postponed at the request of the Hunter. I am sitting here on a Sunday preparing to start some work that is needed for the coming week because the week itself is over-scheduled with meetings and an upcoming trip. The Hunter is napping, but this morning he was having some insecurities about me because, well, I have a lot on my mind and am not focused 100% on him. It’s his birthday today and the first birthday we have spent together. He is not big on birthdays, so my attempts to draw him out on birthdays past have gone nowhere. We spent last evening at a casual waterfront place having dinner with his best friend, Teacher, and Teacher’s latest girlfriend who was waaayyy to quiet. But I digress.

Here is where we stand with things. My therapist is MIA and I need to try this week to track her down or give up and reluctantly find another. The Hunter is moving along like all is well with us and that last weekend’s drama was merely a blip on the radar. I don’t really like that. We need to address the underlying jealousy issues he has and my closed-nature and reluctance to divulge my feelings.  I have always bottled up my feelings because I believe speaking up will cause more drama, but I need to value myself enough to not care so much. The Hunter has also wanted intimacy and sex constantly. He calls and texts throughout the day always, but this week there has been a slight increase in frequency. It wasn’t the week for that, but I understand this need. At one point he said he didn’t like texting me to ask if it was OK to call. I told him how much I appreciated that because I saw it as a sign of respect to me. I encouraged him to keep doing that because it really helps me.

Work is crazy busy with new clients coming on board and old clients needing a lot of things done. I’m lucky and thrilled to have this problem, but it does pull me in all kinds of directions. I just keep making my lists and trying to plug along through them. This coming week is insanity with my out-of-town conference and three public meetings that I need to attend with me moderating two of them. Seriously? I am thinking I will delegate the moderation of one to a better expert which will be a huge relief.

Plus I have the beginnings of Bridezilla with my daughter who, as a true Type A, over-achieving young woman, is planning to have a wedding in the 45 days span where she will graduate from medical school and transition to her residency program (which could be in a different city) all while her fiancé is studying for a major accreditation that is only offered once a year. Ah, that boundless energy and naiveté of youth. I spoke to her yesterday and gently suggested that eloping would be a viable option. After she curtly rejected that idea, “Mom, this is the second time you have told me this and although you would like me to do this, it is not something I want.” I had to explain to her  the meaning behind that suggestion.

I told my dear daughter, that her wedding represents the next chapter in her life. She and her fiancé should create a celebration of this milestone with an event that suits them first and foremost. I told her that I had the big traditional wedding because it was expected of me. All my friends and family were telling me how they couldn’t wait to attend my wedding, so I felt I had no other choice than to plan a 150+ person, open bar, live band wedding with all the trappings. I would have rather bought a house and toured the wine country of France for two weeks, but I didn’t have the gumption to speak up.  My next suggestion will be to postpone the wedding for a year.  I am sure that will be as well received as the elopement advice – LOL.

I think about that conversation yesterday and it speaks volumes. First, it demonstrates the relationship of my daughter and me. She backed off because we communicate clearly and openly. I rarely let her walk all over me because I know that by doing so; she will not learn boundaries and how to respect the feelings of others. I have a funny story about her teen-age years about how I drilled this into her, but that story is for another day.

The second thing about this conversation is how it illustrates that at the very, very beginning of my marriage and perhaps it is indicative of my entire childhood and young adulthood that my goal was not to upset the apple cart. I avoided confrontation and tried to be the “good girl” and the pleaser. I didn’t stand up for myself. The only thing I really pushed was to make sure that come hell or high water, I earned my college degree. Even though that meant I had to attend three universities in three states in order to achieve that goal. To me more than ever, I need to now live my life for me. If it means that I stick around with the Hunter, so be it. If it means I need to strike out on my own, than I am fine with that as well.

So with all of this crazy piling up on me, I have to manage my relationship with the Hunter at the same time. I cannot ignore him, push him to the side and neglect him during this. Plus I know with me out of town for two nights, he will be battling his own crazy as well. But work needs to be my top priority. I have two unlikely events that could occur (although my boss and I compare these events to winning lottery tickets to manage our expectations). If either or both of them hits, it would suddenly result in an unexpected huge bonus. Just in time for a wedding…..

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