"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Archive for June, 2015

Rejection

It’s only Tuesday and I am being pummeled with rejection. OK, I am being a bit dramatic, but I have had two instances of rejection that have hit my ego hard. The first is that my asshole client is, in fact, firing us. He found another firm to do the job cheaper. Good riddance, but that creates a hole in my income stream.  Plus I hate it when a competitor beats me — even when it’s some idiot who doesn’t deserve my expertise. 

The next rejection is that my son didn’t want to spend any nights with me during his visit. OK, I know he is here to visit his dad for Fathers Day, but he usually splits the time between both of us.  For the 4 nights he is here, I got 2 lunches. Sigh. At lunch yesterday, I told him about going back into counseling so I can better address my feelings and thoughts with loved ones. I gently told him that he suffers the same affliction. I also told him that I knew that he wasn’t comfortable staying with me now that the Hunter has moved in. He acknowledged that I was right. I simply told him that I was happy and that it wouldn’t change.  I also told him I would ask the Hunter not to try so hard.  He thanked me. I am trying to get him and his BFF to join us for the 4th of July weekend up in the mountains. I don’t know if he will, but it would be nice to have some extra time with him. The lunches were great with wonderful conversation. My Ex is the ultimate social director with outings planned each day. I lost this round.  

Then to keep layering on the bad news, my young, awesome associate is headed to a new career in the Big Apple. We are all so thrilled for him because he is a genuinely great, hard-working guy, but he will also be sorely missed for those reasons. Just when I had him trained ….  Oh yeah, then I got a complicated email regarding my non-profit and the rescension of some unused grant monies. I haven’t figured out if this simply takes back the unused money or do they want a refund of monies spent. If they want a refund, this will be the demise of this instituition. Good grief. When is my vacation?  9 days and counting….

 As I returned home from my lunch with my son, I suddenly felt lonely. I feel isolated from my business world when I work from home. My boss wants to combat this with meetings with clients and potential clients, but sometimes nothing beats the comradely of an office. The wind is out of my sails this afternoon. I feel on the brink of tears. Ouch. The best thing for me is to keep writing. I have some business writing I can do, so let me get started. At least I can take my heels off and be comfy. 

Advertisements

I Broke It

Shit, I can’t believe I did this.  There are so few people I can confess this to, but you, Dear Readers were my first thought. I broke it, dammit. Right at a crucial moment no less. Fuck.  This is a blemish on my perfect lazy Sunday morning. Fuck. 

The Hunter was up and out early this morning because is weekend he is doing a special wilderness survival course. I get him out the door and settle down with coffee, the paper, my dog and cat. Delicious. After my first coffee, I decide to pop upstairs for a nice interlude with my vibrator. Music is on, my bed smells of sex, I feel great, so out comes the Doxy.  Ahhhh. Very nice, but it has been having a hiccup lately. OK, not a big deal. I am THERE, peaking, oh yeah, baby..and it cuts out right at the BEGINNING of my orgasm. WTF?!  Are you kidding me?

I roll over, put my glasses on and see the problem. I have bent the head to much.  For my next not-so-smart move, I snap off the head as I try to salvage it. I killed it. It’s over. Fuck.  I pull out my backup, a sturdy, battery-operated one.  It’s not the same, very different sensation. Plus as I begin I realize it needs fresh batteries. I stop, change batteries.  OK, I am back to business. Shit, it’s just not the same. I start to orgasm, but my clit is over-stimulated and it actually becomes an uncomfortable sensation.  I surrender and stop. I roll onto my back hysterically laughing. It’s not going to happen. Fuck. Back to coffee and the paper.  

  

Thank You, Santa!

I was commenting on Madeline’s blog just now which is inspiring this post. Back in December, I wrote a post about what I wanted sexually.  Recently I read the post to the Hunter, because it dawned on me that Holy Shit, Santa Claus is REAL!  I got exactly what I was asking for.

I am watching Madeline wrestle with the conundrum of a relationship with a married man. The fact that she cannot be his top priority because someone else holds that slot. When I was seeing married men, it was fine in the beginning because my objective was theirs – sex. I had my independence and my space that I thought was so important to me. Then I began to look around and think about what I was sacrificing.  No holidays to be shared with these men, no daily contact or rapt involvement in my life — at best I came in third behind family and work. I realized that I deserved better. I also realized that these men were taking my time and energy away from pursuing relationships with available men. 

The Hunter came along at precisely the right time. He was ready to be in a committed relationship.  He wanted to make the right woman his top priority. When we wake up every morning (seriously, EVERY morning), we spend 15-20 minutes just cuddling. We kiss, fondle (sometimes a little sex) and quietly talk. The talk is mostly about our love for one another. It is a powerful reconnection boost that lasts the whole day.  This is completely his idea, but I love this time. I sneak out of bed to quickly pee and grab some mouthwash.  He pulls me close and murmurs his love in his sweet, sexy voice. This time reminds us both how lucky we are to have one another. 

The difference between my Ex and the Hunter is incredible.  When my Ex was angry, he exploded with furious, belittling, hurtful words. When the Hunter is angry, he never yells, but he is guilty of stubbornly shutting down. However, I always know that I can talk to him.  The Hunter is my biggest fan and loyal supporter in everything I do.  I know that he always has my back and he knows I do the same for him. My Ex claimed to support me, but his actions and words told a different story. I could go on and on, but you get the idea. 

I think my point of this post is that people need to really believe and know down to their very core and essence that the right partner will make them the #1 priority. Anything else is not acceptable. Now I realize that perhaps the daily business of life creates temporary priority shifts, but at the end of the day, where do you rank?  I am very lucky to know that I am the Hunter’s Queen. That is what he calls me and I am learning to accept all the love and respect he has to offer. Wow. Thank you, Santa. 

Just Another Day in Paradise

I can see how the Summer heat is zapping the Hunter’s energy. He comes home exhausted and sore after a long day in the sun. Somehow he musters himself to be present for me. He is a far better person in this regard than me. If I was in his shoes, I would shower, eat and collapse. Instead he engages with me by talking about our days, planning our upcoming vacation and then he is always good to help around the house. Lately I have taken over cooking dinner. First, because he hit a little rut and was bored with his repertoire. Second, I see how exhausted he is, so this is something I can easily do to help.

Our vacation is two weeks away and we are both getting excited about it. We are headed to the cool weather of my parents’ mountain cottage. He wants to sleep in, hike, eat and fuck. Sounds delightful particularly since we will have a roof, indoor plumbing and all the standard creature comforts. We will be alone — we will visit my parents on the way home. That will be a great story when the Hunter meets the Judge.

As for me, I am happy at home. Life is good. The Hunter mentioned that he noticed that I am more relaxed with being in a committed relationship with him. He’s right. I have settled back and embraced my good fortune. I love sharing my life with him, although as I write this on my iPad, he is deeply snoring. Like I said, he’s very tired these evenings.

I figured out one reason I am having a funk and it’s due to having a couple of asshole clients. I need to focus on getting new ones to replace them. My boss and I are talking about our next chapter. We have discussed the fact that our profession is not for old farts, particularly old women. I only have 10 years at the most remaining in my career. That is crazy to me, but I know that it’s true. All the more reason to begin spending time on the Hunter’s business idea as well as planning my next move.

I do need to push myself more with work. This week I didn’t head into the office, so I have been farting around the house and not plowing through my To Do list. Same thing happened last week, but business is slow right now so I should be getting much more done. Meh, such is life. I can’t beat myself up over this. I just need to set up some routines and then stick with them. For some unknown reason, that is easier said than done with me. I did wake up last night in a bit of panic thinking about money, my daughter’s wedding and my pipeline of projects (or lack thereof). I hate when that happens. My dreams were confusing and my sleep was restless. I will talk to Athena about all of this very soon.

The Hunter has laughed about his strong, professional Maggie turning into a domestic goddess. I smile and enjoy taking care of him. Tonight before he dropped off to sleep, he thanked me for making tonight all about him. I made him a dinner he loves, massaged his sore shoulders and then as we fooled around, I gave him what he claims to be my best blow job ever and he came without fucking me. Then he quickly dropped off to a deep sleep. Yes, right now it is all about him and that is fine with me. One thing I know for sure about relationships is that the balance constantly shifts, but so long as the foundation is strong,then it’s OK

Funk

Last week I had a night where I relapsed into a funk that kept me up until 2:30 am. I had these episodes regularly during my marriage where I would do nothing really – playing mindless computer games or reading crap on FB while staying up all night. I was doing nothing of any value. I was merely feeling numb and distant. In some strange, twisted way, I enjoyed it. Sometimes I feel the need to mope and clean it out of my system.

It pissed off the Hunter. He didn’t like the garbage of my marriage entering into our life. It was not only the spat with my Ex that caused my funk. All of last week I was in a non-productive mood and accomplished very little on my To Do list.

The next day, after my evening funk and before dinner, the Hunter gave me a pep talk. It is perhaps the first true pep talk of encouragement I have received from a loved one in many years. He told me I was a strong, powerful woman.

One of my issues was that my boss hasn’t been very supportive with resources for my work. I have to repeatedly ask for the same things over and over without resolution. I keep complaining about the same issues.  Isn’t that the definition of insanity? The Hunter suggested I leave my firm and set up my own. Why am I staying with this one when I don’t get the support I need?  To be honest, my boss doesn’t need to work. He could putter with his investments and his own book of business and be perfectly happy. I make him a lot of money. The Hunter said I should either start my own firm or find something with a stable salary rather than 100% commission.

I have to admit that I have been having the same thoughts. I don’t see myself doing this job in 10 years. I need to start making other plans. I need to see what other options are out there for me.

The Hunter also told me that I need to confront my Ex head on. Put him in his place. That is easier said than done, but he is right. I do need to stop these old tired patterns of behavior. After my spat with my Ex in the parking lot, the Ex called me up the next day telling me all these things “we” needed to do – meaning me. I calmly told him that all of these things were things for my daughter to decide and do. Then when he called me over the weekend, I ignored the call. Lo and behold, I receive an email transmitting the signed contract for the venue that my daughter and I want for her wedding. Ha! Victory!  I also went ahead and un-friended the Ex on Facebook.

But I do have a lot of thinking to do. The Hunter has some ideas for a business for us to open. We would pursue some government contracts as a “woman-owned” business since they are few and far between in his area of expertise. I need to determine where and what I want to be in the next couple of years. Both of my big bonus opportunities evaporated last week, so I am back to the grind. I realize these were like a winning lottery ticket, but the disappointment, although slight, is still unavoidable.

In the meantime, I ditched cable and cancelled my gym membership since I am not going anyway. I purchased a $30 HDTV antenna from Amazon so I can get standard network TV.  I have been using the heck out of my Amazon Prime membership for both movies and exercise videos.  Between those two changes and letting my housekeeper go, I am now saving about $3,600 a year.  Wow.  That felt really, really good.  I have been looking at my spending and thanks to the Hunter, my out-of-pocket expenses have dropped dramatically.  I have some more things to adjust in my financial house, but I feel like I am making progress.

 

It’s time to step up and be an adult. No more funks allowed. I need to get to work and stop procrastinating. I am very, very lucky to have my type of career. I just need to get my mind back into the game. My vacation is coming none too soon.

Wedding Bills — Not Bells

A main source of stress (besides a work event that really took the wind out of my sails this week) is that my daughter has changed wedding locales due to scheduling conflicts and now we are having a wedding here in her hometown in February. Good grief. Today I went to our top choice venue for a FaceTime tour with the wedding planner and my Ex. The venue is perfect and a tad pricey, but everything in this city is expensive, so that is no surprise. If my daughter would drop her guest count by 20%, we will probably be OK.

My Ex and I are in the parking lot afterwards and he immediately jumps on me to split the cost 50/50. I tell him that I cannot do this and that I have already committed to our daughter for an amount that is half of what he is demanding of me. He immediately asks me about “your mom’s trust for the kids”. What trust for the kids? That’s my inheritance and it’s in an annuity I tell him. WTF? He is going to spend my money for me? I don’t think so. He pisses me off because he is demanding and insisting that I cough up more money. He tells me that his contribution is 9% of his net worth. I could care less. I am not about to go broke for her wedding and the amount I am willing to contribute is really right on edge of my comfort level. It’s a big number for me.

I leave the venue and call my daughter. I tell her that her dad is expecting more from me and she cannot expect more from me. I tell her to consider culling the invitation list down and figuring out where she can cut some corners. This place is great; we just have to be judicious with the spending. She is fine and absolutely wonderful. She gets it.

Next I call the Hunter and tell him the entire story. He is ready to pound my Ex. Sigh. It is so nice to have a champion for me; however, I need to fight my battles myself. He is good about pointing out when I am falling back into bad habits of dealing with my Ex. He suggested I stop communicating directly with my Ex, but I tell him it’s too soon for that and I don’t want to make this uncomfortable for my daughter at this early stage. For the first time, I give him concrete numbers of what I am giving my daughter, the estimated cost of the wedding and my Ex’s contribution. We have never spoken about money so directly. Interestingly, this is one of my concerns I mentioned during counseling – our income disparity. I just know that most couples fight about money. We are fine for now, but at some point, the elephant in the room needs to be addressed.

In any case, I finish my chat with the Hunter, eat some lunch and head back to the office. On the way, I decide to call the future mother-in-law. She and I get along great. Over the engagement weekend, she told me that they were planning on making a significant contribution to the wedding outside of the rehearsal dinner. I call her and tell her that I want to have an off-the-record chat. I explain to her that my Ex is making waves about the money. I tell her exactly what I am contributing and what he is contributing. She was just texting with my daughter and about to discuss with her husband their contribution to the wedding. Money-wise, they are very comfortable and she appreciated my candor. She plans to cut them a check for a certain amount that they can spend as they see fit. That’s my plan also. These are young adults who should be able to plan and spend as they see fit. I think that my sidebar conversation with the Future-Mother-In-Law was extremely helpful and will get things back on course. In the meantime, fuck my Ex.

Couples Counseling

It has been an emotionally tough week for me. I just don’t have the push to move forward with work and have been in a bit of a funk. Combine that with my first session of couples counseling with the Hunter and then a lovely argument with my Ex over wedding expenses and I am burned out.

Let’s talk about the couples counseling first and then I’ll chat about my Ex in another post. We went to see the counselor that I used before and during my divorce. She is lively and opinionated, not someone who merely stares at you mumbling along, which is exactly what I need in my life. She now has this blog’s website, so I gained yet another reader. Yea! Since she is now back in my life, she will need a name, so I am going with Athena – Goddess of Wisdom and War, an apt choice I think.

It is fascinating to be in a room with two people who know me well. They both agreed that I tend to keep a wall up and hide my feelings from loved ones. Really? Athena explained to the Hunter that I needed to hide my emotions during my marriage, which was really helpful for him to hear from someone else. I felt like most of the evening was spent with the two of them talking about me. I had moments when I felt like, “Hello, I am sitting right here!” I don’t say that in a bad way, because the evening was loving and helpful. It was just funny being the main topic of conversation.

Prior to the session, we filled out paperwork which included some background on both of us. One question asked about significant events in our past that caused us great stress. The Hunter put down the trauma that had destroyed his last marriage. Athena gently touched upon it and said that grief had the power to destroy relationships or draw people closer. The Hunter had the former experience.

We all agreed that things appear to be great in our relationship. After Memorial Day, the Hunter has begun to regain trust in me. Reading this blog and my actions have reassured him. He told her that this blog is a very accurate account of events. She told us that we needed more time together because with time, we will continue to iron out the kinks. She was truly happy for me and liked the Hunter. He handled himself exceptionally well and was his usual thoughtful, well-spoken self.

One interesting thing that the Hunter and Athena discussed is that he is very confrontational.  He has no issue with confronting anyone about anything either nicely or not so nicely.  Then he made a very clear distinction that he does not do that with me.  I am the exception to his rule.  I felt special and loved.

One thing that Athena told him was that I would need time in order to be more forthcoming with my emotions and feelings. She suggested that I continue writing and give him notes or texts when it was too hard for me to confront things head on. I felt safe and loved during this session. However, it seemed like every time I opened my mouth I began crying. I just have a lot going on in my head and life right now.

I told Athena that I had lunch with my Ex back in February and apologized for the things I did to contribute to our marriage’s demise. I was surprised that he didn’t get it and would readily get back together. Athena commented that my Ex will not grow or change, so he will stay in a perpetual state of controlling mess. She said not to even bother trying with him. Ahhh, I no longer have to live with it. Hallelujah!

When we got home, the Hunter and I decompressed for a half hour and then he swooped me up to bed. We have been teasingly having a moratorium on sex this week to see who would give up first. I don’t know who lost, but we were both winners with a great romp last night. It felt so good to connect with him. He had told her that we spend 15-20 minutes in the morning connecting. She was beaming. I was too. I think I will take a couple of sessions with her over the next couple of months. With the wedding looming and some other work things, my stress levels are rising. This is a concern for both of them (and me). It will be money well spent.

Tag Cloud