"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

I Want You to Want Me

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I’d love you to love me
I’m begging you to beg me
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I’d love you to love me

Cheap Trick

The Hunter and I are working on our relationship. He is battling his insecurity which morphs into jealousy. He was relieved during the reading of my posts that I too battle with times of insecurity as well. The problem with his insecurity is that it transcends into thinking that I could potentially sleep with any man I cross paths with. That is no Bueno.

I have told him that this toxicity will destroy our relationship. I have told him that if he slut shames me and thinks that lowly of me, then we will be finished. I have told him that he needs to keep that crazy in a box and away from us. That’s how I describe it – putting the crazy in a box.

We all have our craziness and as I hear more about the Hunter’s past, I understand how this has developed in him. This doesn’t mean that I think I can fix it. The jury is out on that. I don’t know if I can stick around as he tries to turn himself around. I don’t know if he is willing to fix himself, because at the end of the day we all know that only people who really want to change can do so and all that heavy lifting has to be done by the person changing.

I won’t delve into the Hunter’s past because that is his story to tell, but suffice it to say, his experiences with women, going all the way back to his mom, have highs and lows with more lows than highs. I am not saying that to paint him as a victim. He has contributed to the problems as well. The Hunter has treated women poorly in the past. He has also treated them well and been shat on so it goes both ways.

Right now he is emotionally needy. He wants to connect with me often throughout the day. Yesterday I had an exhausting day. It started with an early breakfast and went through a series of meetings, phone calls and never-ending demands of my time. I scarcely had a moment to go to the bathroom much less regroup. I also had a horrible time with my memory which freaked me the fuck out. My mom and grandmother had significant dementia, so having a bad memory day is absolutely terrifying for me. I see how my memory is fading as I age and it is terrifying. That’s a post for another day.

In any case, I get home and I am exhausted both mentally and physically. I barely get a second to regroup. I go upstairs to change and the Hunter volunteers to give me a wonderful shoulder massage. It was great, but I needed to immediately change clothes and walk the dog. Then dinner is ready, so we sit down to eat. The kitchen needs to be cleaned and since the Hunter cooked, I clean. Finally 2-1/2 hours after I walk in the door, I get to relax on my patio and have a moment of quiet zen. Sigh. Then the Hunter wants to share a beautiful song with me. Lovely, but where is my time? He gets concerned because he can see that I am humoring him. I tell him that I just need to unwind and veg for a bit. He gives me some much needed space for about an hour. He’s horny and wants sex, but he can clearly see that my head is not into it. He ends up tucking me into bed early and that was the best thing he could have done for me.

But that left him horny and I wake up this morning with the Hunter telling me that he jacked off twice last night. Sorry, dude, but welcome to a relationship. Sometimes I cannot satisfy every need. It’s great that he craves me and wants me. I crave and want him as well, but sometimes I need space. I have more to write about this new “us”, but for now this will do.


Comments on: "I Want You to Want Me" (6)

  1. Well… aat least you’re working on things. No one knows where it will lead, but at least there is more hope than there was a week ago 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You sound more hopeful in this post than in the last few, so that’s a good thing. Keep in mind that we cannot fix other people, just as they cannot fix us, we have to fix ourselves and many cannot, or will not.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, I agree. My goal is to provide the forum or means for him to work on his issues. If he improves, great. If he doesn’t and I need to move on, than at least I tried. Don’t worry. My roller coaster keeps going.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You can delay it, but eventually reality has to show up

    Liked by 1 person

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