I left you, Dear Readers, with the cliff hanger of another curve ball in my relationship with the Hunter. My apologies in this lack of writing, but the short work week and other things have left me with no time to think deeply much less write. I am writing this as I wait for a callback from a cantankerous midlevel manager of a demanding client. I am reminding myself “think of the outcome that I want” but that makes me think evil thoughts, so I simply am telling myself to play nice and make friends.
In any case, what was the second curve ball? I started reading this blog to the Hunter. He doesn’t have access to it, but he asked if I would read posts that mentioned him. I started at the beginning with our New Year’s Eve and over the course of a day long road trip we worked through the blog thru April. I ended it there with the rule that a minimum of 30 days between a post and the reading. It was a wonderful bonding time for us. He said that I had nailed it and he agreed with my description of the events. He was touched with my stream of feelings and thoughts on our relationship. There were times he had tears and times where I had to stop because I was choked with emotion. It has been incredible.
Then we have had the days after this revelation and the Hunter coming to terms with this extreme deluge of emotion from me. As they said in the Spiderman, “With great powers comes great responsibility”. First of all, I don’t read him any reader comments. I do this because the purpose of sharing these posts is to talk about my thoughts and feelings. I also don’t want the discussions between the Hunter and I to digress into other’s opinions of our relationship. It’s not that I don’t value your comments, believe me, they are very important to me, but he and I need to stay focused on us. Make sense?
The other aftermath of this revelation is the Hunter processing this information. It has been incredible for his ego. He occasionally asks if I am going to write about something or if I have written this week. Friends are concerned that knowing he will be reading the posts, I will somehow filter my words. I am hoping this won’t happen. I need this blog as an outlet to process my feelings, thoughts, etc. If I start filtering my words, then the thoughts and feelings will log jam inside me. Not a good thing.
What I have learned about myself is that I do have a problem expressing myself to my loved ones. I am wary of confrontation, I want to please people and have them love me. I haven’t come to terms that people can disagree with me and still love me along with the big one that my feelings need to come first and foremost. Wow, that’s a big one. I do better writing about my thoughts and feelings than expressing them. For an articulate, verbose professional woman, I become tongue-tied and silent when loved ones probe into my feelings and thoughts on tough issues.
The Hunter is still fighting jealousy and insecurity issues. Unfortunately my therapist is apparently in the midst of changing offices, so I have sent her an email but haven’t found a phone number to call. Shit. I really need to talk to her. I’ll write more about his issues because I am out of town for the better part of next week at a conference and he is already nervous about it, but for now, just know that I learned another valuable lesson: my secrecy will only hurt relationships, not help, so I need to use my words whether written or spoken to advocate for myself.
By the way, in the element of time, I am giving up on the song intros. I’ll probably get back to them, but for now, you get me, unfiltered.