Oh boy, Maggie has destroyed the remnants of this relationship with an atomic bomb. He asked if I had anymore secrets so I told him I not only have a blog but a community similiar to Facebook who I chat with. I told him that I chat with some of you off the blog sites. I offered to print out sections so he could read it. He’s not interested. He is so furious that he will be moving out this weekend. Apparently I am full of secrets and not the open person I claim to be.
I will need to spend some time alone after I extricate myself from this relationship and think about what I really want in life. I will need to think about what I did. He said that I used him. I sadly have to face the fact that, yes, I did. I am embarrassed by the hurt I have caused another person. My powers of destruction are evidently strong.
Sometime in the night, the Hunter had climbed into my bed. He wanted to snuggle. I let him sleep there. In the morning he told me he was so horny last night, and he could have gotten laid within 2 hours of a couple of calls. He said that he wanted to fuck but it wouldn’t change anything. I had pretty much decided that I wasn’t going to fuck him if we were breaking up. I deserved more respect. He put my hand on his dick and balls. Then he overplayed his hand and said something about my shitty moral values. I got out of bed, washed my face and walked the dog.
Perhaps I do have shitty moral values. I need to look at my propensity to keep secrets from loved ones. He is furious because I claimed to be so open yet I have all these secrets. I told him that the blog is my diary and where I work through all the things I want to process. If people find it, so be it, but nobody knows who I am, where I live, etc. I told him that we regularly debate telling lovers about our writings.
At the end of the day, I do have to admit that, yes, I used him. I used him as a test for a LTR, for living together, for sex and a host of other things. But then again he used me too – for a great place to live, for sex, for helping him better himself and become the man he should be. He was always loving and giving. I thought I was also, but apparently a few secrets are a deal killer with him. Sigh. Everyone is flawed, I get that. I was accepting of his, but he couldn’t accept mine.
It’s gonna be a long weekend because now I am stuck here. If he’s moving out, I need to stick around. It’s 8 am, is that too early for a drink?