"Love My Way, It's a New Road"

Oh boy, Maggie has destroyed the remnants of this relationship with an atomic bomb. He asked if I had anymore secrets so I told him I not only have a blog but a community similiar to Facebook who I chat with. I told him that I chat with some of you off the blog sites. I offered to print out sections so he could read it. He’s not interested. He is so furious that he will be moving out this weekend. Apparently I am full of secrets and not the open person I claim to be. 

I will need to spend some time alone after I extricate myself from this relationship and think about what I really want in life. I will need to think about what I did.  He said that I used him.  I sadly have to face the fact that, yes, I did. I am embarrassed by the hurt I have caused another person.  My powers of destruction are evidently strong. 

Sometime in the night, the Hunter had climbed into my bed.  He wanted to snuggle. I let him sleep there.  In the morning he told me he was so horny last night, and he could have gotten laid within 2 hours of a couple of calls. He said that he wanted to fuck but it wouldn’t change anything. I had pretty much decided that I wasn’t going to fuck him if we were breaking up. I deserved more respect. He put my hand on his dick and balls.  Then he overplayed his hand and said something about my shitty moral values. I got out of bed, washed my face and walked the dog.

Perhaps I do have shitty moral values. I need to look at my propensity to keep secrets from loved ones. He is furious because I claimed to be so open yet I have all these secrets. I told him that the blog is my diary and where I work through all the things I want to process. If people find it, so be it, but nobody knows who I am, where I live, etc.  I told him that we regularly debate telling lovers about our writings. 

At the end of the day, I do have to admit that, yes, I used him. I used him as a test for a LTR, for living together, for sex and a host of other things. But then again he used me too – for a great place to live, for sex, for helping him better himself and become the man he should be. He was always loving and giving. I thought I was also, but apparently a few secrets are a deal killer with him. Sigh. Everyone is flawed, I get that. I was accepting of his, but he couldn’t accept mine. 

It’s gonna be a long weekend because now I am stuck here. If he’s moving out, I need to stick around. It’s 8 am, is that too early for a drink?


Comments on: "It Has Gone From Bad to Worse" (18)

  1. sassygirl40 said:

    Oh man. He sounds like he is having a huge temper tantrum and looking to make you feel shitty. Yes, allowing a conversation with another guy to be flirty and sexual isn’t the best, but it’s not worth blowing up a relationship like the Hunter is doing. I wonder if deep down he just thinks he wants to be single and is using this as his exit, so he is not the bad guy..he gets to make you feel crappy while he makes a break. My guess is that he will quickly regret his decision.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Nah, have the drink.
    I’m sorry hon…
    Your post reminded me of one I wrote a long time ago, about everyone being a bunch of users. I spoke about whether you liked the person or what they did for you / how they made you feel. Was it really the latter with you and the Hunter?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. So sorry Maggie. Its Memorial Day weekend, any BBQ to go to ?


  4. As I was reading through your post, I wanted to cry out: NO, you didn’t use him. Or at least, he’s not a victim. He could have walked out at any time if he felt used. The fact that you have friends that he doesn’t know about shouldn’t be a brake to any relationship.
    And he used you as well. If he’s unable to see this, then he doesn’t deserve you feeling bad about this.
    Then I decided I’d finish reading the post, see whether there was new information in it. And I’m glad to see that you arrived to the same conclusion that I have.
    He used you too, in hiding the fact that he could be so close minded and judgemental. You deserve someone who accepts you for who you are, not for what their idea of you is.
    He is obviously not that man, and the way he goes about it, he’s not ready to become that man (with anyone) any time soo!
    Long weekend, but look on the bright side: you can organise your long needed vacation now šŸ˜‰
    I know, I know, this lame attempt at a joke doesn’t help much! Maybe he is blowing this relationship up for his own reasons, but the way he’s going at it would probably make me feel even better that it’s over (a bit like I am with my ex). It looks like he’s pushing all the blame onto you, rather than looking at his own behaviour and trying to see what could have made it fail…
    Oh well! His loss!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. The Woman Invisible said:

    I’m with Dawn that he wasn’t used in the sense of being a victim. And with Ann that we really are all users.

    I like your tone in this post. You sound strong and resolved and clear headed….even though I know that might be temporary where our emotions are concerned!

    Glad you have your gf around!!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I do feel good about him moving out. This relationship went way to fast in many ways. I went in with my eyes wide open. When I knew that he had 3 long-term relationships end badly (baby mama and 2 wives), I knew the deck was stacked against us. I never anticipated this lasting long-term because I was seeing things that wouldn’t work for me long term. I tried. I loved him, treated him with respect, cared for him and I am terribly sorry he’s feeling hurt by all this, however, I also think he’s making too much of it. He needs to get a thicker skin and have more self-esteem so these issues don’t seem so threatening.

      Liked by 1 person

    • I am thinking about planning a boozy brunch next Sunday with all my gal pals. It will be his birthday. šŸ˜ˆ

      Liked by 1 person

  6. It sounds to me like he’s showing his deeper colors now. You sound good though, like a strong, independent woman ready for anything.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. +1 Dawn, Ann and M-self awareness and continuing to learn from your experiences, putting yourself out there is never easy. Ever. It’s a constant balance isn’t it? That you are strong in your sense of self and your need for your own way to journal and discuss your life isn’t a deal breaking “secret” for many people. And if it is, it is their issue. Hope you’re having fun with your GF, get to walk the dog more and enjoy the long weekend away from work!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’ve been holding back on commenting on your past few blogs waiting to see where this goes for you. As usual, I’ve been on a parallel track and am also negotiating an LTR, but boy is it difficult. And the whole thing about the blog–I don’t know what to do about it, so I’ve held back on my own posts for awhile. I’m starting to miss the writing, but feel dishonest. My friend told me that would happen. And yes, sex absolutely clouds our judgement: the better the sex, the cloudier the judgement. Unfortunately, I have no advice or words of wisdom, it’s all so bewildering to me. All I can say is that we’re strong and capable and even through pain, our lives go on. You’ll use this as another learning experience to go on and find the man you deserve.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow – thanks for the comment. Funny how things happen. I have a lot to write about but suffice it to say telling him about the blog has turned into a positive experience. Please keep reading!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: