Well, I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up
And when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
‘Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it
No, I won’t give up
It is a rough time. My tears have finally started flowing. I cannot make any headway with the Hunter. He is firmly entrenched in ending our relationship. This morning as he got ready for work, he climbed into bed and wrapped me in his arms. He had slept on the couch again, so I eagerly thought this was a good sign. I rolled over and sleepily said, “Baby, I love you.” He leaped out of bed and said he was late for work.
A couple of hours I texted him:
Was I dreaming? Your hug early this morning gave me a ray of hope. I love you – I hope we can work thru this.
No. I’m sorry should not have done that. I woke up feeling bad, I had a real bad headache and just had a moment of weakness. It won’t happen again. I’m sorry did not mean to mislead you.
Shit – really? I asked him this evening what that was all about. He said he liked how I had nursed him during his last headache and he wanted to be comforted, but he realized it was a bad idea. Sigh.
One of my girlfriends suggested introducing some drama since thus far I have been calm, pleasant and kind. Interestingly enough it did draw him in to talking.
I pulled out all my stops when I got home and was endlessly trying to reason, apologize, blame. When one tactic didn’t work, I backed up, adjusted and tried another. Tears, slamming my bedroom door, pleading, apologizing, bringing up things he had done. Nope, he’s firmly decided. I surrendered for now because he told me I was starting to sound like the Other Woman and blaming him. I immediately apologized and told him my stomach was upset, so I was cranky. Now I am sitting in bed listening to music and determining my next step. I think it’s time to circle back to pleasant.
My drama did draw him to my closed bedroom door twice. He sat on my bed while I was in my reading chair. I told him the real story behind my affair early in my marriage. I told him why I had gotten fat. I told him that I got mad during our initial conversation on the patio because he was laughing, so I felt he was mocking me. He apologized for that. He told me that he has cried too and that this has been the best relationship of his life. I have called him stubborn repeatedly and told him I am also stubborn.
After his second tap on the door and the Other Woman comparison, he has left. I don’t know where. I had sent him the above song via text. My numbness has worn off. I am hurting and the raw feelings are started. He said tomorrow he is going to find a place to live. The clock is ticking.
One question, Dear Readers, do I fuck him? I am debating the pros and cons. That may be the next post. In the meantime, I am spending the evening with Reese Witherspoon and Cheryl Strayed watching Wild. Raw fim suits my raw mood.